Lack of affection? Am I expecting too much?

[waitingtobloom]

Im six months pregnant at the moment and dont know whether the hormones are getting to me or whether it is a problem that is always there but is exacerbated at times like this. I am so sorry at the length of this post - cannot talk to anyone else and really miserable with it all.

Basically my DH has never been that affectionate or understanding of emotions and it has got worse over time. He has a tendency to be extremely logical/practical and emotions or how things make me feel never seem to play a role in it.

Thinking back it has always been like that but I think I kind of hoped things would change or he would get better - always blamed it on stress or something but nothing has changed.

He never ever tells me he loves me and when I question it he seems confused and says I should just know. He rarely hugs me, doesnt kiss me, wont cuddle with me etc - unless he wants sex. And then when he does want sex there is no affection with it - its about getting on with having an orgasm and nothing else.

At six months pregnant he has never once stroked my bump and refuses to try and feel baby kick. I have stopped talking to him about the baby because last pregnancy he had a major go at me for mentioning something to do with the baby nearly every day. He doesnt come to appointments or scans with me, doesnt know when they are, doesnt ask etc. But if I question him about it again he seems really shocked that I would feel unloved/uncared about and gives some very logical reason why not - completely devoid of any emotion. He was the same last pregnancy - wouldnt even come home from work when I was sent to the hospital at 37 with high bp. I had to drive myself - was told to ring him if they were going to induce me. When DS was born he went to work whilst I was in labour as I couldnt be definite when he would be born and he might of missed a days work "for nothing". When DS was born he went home afterwards - he had to and did need some sleep - but made sure he got his full 8 hours, leisurely breakfast etc before coming back to the hospital 12 hours later leaving me sitting alone.

Our son recently had an operation and he wasnt in the least bit stressed or worried by any of it. He couldnt understand why I was worried about it and why it upset me. Its as if he cant experience emotion.

The one thing I can never forget and I know I have to just forgive and forget about is our wedding night. Sometime during the night I fell asleep, woke an hour or so later to find him missing. Rang him and rang him with no answer. He finally rings back - he had gone home (staying in posh local hotel) as he couldnt sleep in a strange bed. Apparently he would pick me up after breakfast - couldnt see anything wrong with this at all.

Today he has just announced he is going to work fathers day - self employed and does not need to.

I am sorry to list so many examples and ramble on but I am desperately unhappy. If I explain any of this to him its as if he just does not understand. Its not as if he is cold and horrible to me but the emotion is not there. He is like it with others too - barely shrugged his shoulders at the news of his mum having breast cancer. He somehow manages to turn it back to me - I am too needy, have issues or am expecting too much emotionally from a man. He often tells me he is the nicest man he knows and other men would be far worse. None of this is said in a horrible way - he geninely believes it all.

I dont know what to do - I really need some affection and support but dont know if I am over reacting.

Any ideas or experiences? Shoudl I just accept this? I just feel so lonely.

I think I have to have a good think about this one. My eye has started to twitch... bad sign. Maybe its time to bail out before I get neck deep in this sh*t. DO I want always to feel as if I am nuisance because I have emotions? Because I like deep thoughtful things that aren't based on cold cut like a knife comebacks or 'obviously's'... Actualy I should have told him to open the F'ing window when he wanted air. why didn't I?... you see I've already started to accomodate the smallest of weirdest things without even thinking. not a good place to be. think think girl... what do we do now? I've just come to the conclusion that I have one of these and not sure if I want to keep it. Sweet or not sweet.. its sweet because I interpret it to be sweet.

erm OK my ex H does have OCD. He is obsessive about cleanliness and made our DS1 cry the other weekend because he wanted to wear white trainers and they were a bit dirty.

I almost texted him today (he is away on business) and said actually you know what your friend was right I think you do have aspergers. But decided that it might be best waiting for another time. We never actually meet save for handover of DCs but do talk on phone occasionally.

The realisation that he probably does have aspergers makes me feel very sad that all the time I thought that there was something fundamentally wrong with me (best part of 13 years) could have been spent working with his condition.

Sexandthecitylover - tbh now dh has said he thought he had it...I feel rather irritated with him for not being honest...but hey! He's never been professionally diagnosed, he just guessed. I'm irritated because he never said 'by the way, I don't do emotions because I think I have aspergers, still want a relationship?' Perhaps there was always that 'he will change' but he had no real idea he had aspergers. He thinks lack of emotion is the 'normal' way to be...his tendancy to possible aspergers does not enable him to think any other way. He does not act without emotion out of maliciousness, he just does not understand emotion. All this I've picked up over the past 5 years, and what I've now picked up about it on the web! but having an 'unofficial' diagnosis, only 5 years into the relationship (poor you, 13 years!) means I do have the opportunity to make difference choices. Must get this irritation with him out of my system...he just does not 'know' he feels different to neuro typical people...I suppose the way we think and feel is normal to each one of us...

Still bloody irritated with his comment about not needing 'emotion' in marriage...think 99.9% of wives would disagree with that one! But he logically think's he is right. I think I will phrase this one as 'this is really important to me that you show you love me'. He is capable of writing it down in cards...

This post rings so many bells with me. My dh is very emotionless alot of the time (can easily express anger tho) but rarely enthusiasm, worry, affection (well not much). Before i met dh he had a girlfriend who killed herself (dh was about 27 at the time) and he discovered her dead body in his house. He called an ambulance but when her friend called her after she was dead, he told them she's moved out (ie that she was still alive) . Also she had no family and he didn't arrange a funerel for her, just left it for the hospital mortuary to sort out. When i had high BP durong my pregnanct ( because fo us arguing) , he hardly reacted when i told him and we continued to argue later. he also went home fairly soon after ds was born because he was tired.There've been other incidents too. He also is very socially awkwards and never has much to sya to anyone.In soem ways he can be loving, eg gives me a massage most night, does lots round the house, etc. I've wondered many times about aspergers, but would never dare suggest it to him

This post rings so many bells with me. My dh is very emotionless alot of the time (can easily express anger tho) but rarely enthusiasm, worry, affection (well not much). Before i met dh he had a girlfriend who killed herself (dh was about 27 at the time) and he discovered her dead body in his house. He called an ambulance but when her friend called her after she was dead, he told them she's moved out (ie that she was still alive) . Also she had no family and he didn't arrange a funerel for her, just left it for the hospital mortuary to sort out. When i had high BP durong my pregnanct ( because fo us arguing) , he hardly reacted when i told him and we continued to argue later. he also went home fairly soon after ds was born because he was tired.There've been other incidents too. He also is very socially awkwards and never has much to say to anyone.In soem ways he can be loving, eg gives me a massage most night, does lots round the house, etc. I've wondered many times about aspergers, but would never dare suggest it to him

"He is capable of writing it down in cards..." - yes but he cant say it out loud. Saying that its not the biggest declaration but will be a couple of lines. He also really likes verses in cards - the sort i dont because they are too soppy/idealistic but he thinks are great. Somebody else writing it perhaps...

"Does your dh have problems with eye contact too" - yep rarely looks at me and looks odd if he does. If he is looking at me when speaking he then mumbles. Its a standing joke about our wedding day when he married the registrar because he didnt look at me once during our vows...

"And has your dh every been described as arrogant/aloof?" - all the time. He often comes home when my parents are there with me and doesnt actually speak to them! He will be silent when my friends are there- not in a nervous way but just not talking.

"My dh can also tell jokes and keep a deadpan face...or take the mick out of people deadpan. " Omg yes. He is always telling so called jokes like this and I cant tell they are jokes as often there isnt anything funny about the words. Hard to explain but he thinks he is being funny but there are no facial expressions or tone to go with it to suggest its a joke. For example I will say did you clean ds teeth before bed and he will say "no i couldnt be bothered" - but in a normal way so i have no idea whether he is joking or not. He thinks its funny and his wonderful sense of humour - i keep telling him that when you joke you add expression or tone or something to it...

Some other things...

Not really keeping track of the conversation. I was telling him something important the other day - was halfway through a sentence and he said something completely random about work.

Repeating things inanely eg if there is a jingle or way something is said on tv he repeats it over and over. He also says words and sentences that he doesnt mean - he just says them as if he likes the sound of thm. They are often very random and when I ask what he means he says nothing he didnt mean to say it. I try and explain that the point of language is communication on some level but apparently not

Getting into routines with things - he always brings a glass of water to bed each night (but never drinks it ever). He then leaves it there as taking it back down is not part of his routine.

When he is ill he plays the sick role exactly. He will wear a precise outfit - joggers with dressing gown and slippers. Sit in the same place, draw the curtains and eat chicken soup. Its precise and drives me nuts - its "how" you are ill you see.

Not understanding why things would upset me. His parents used to have goats. I love goats. They couldnt look after the goats so unbeknown to me they killed said goats and put them in the freezer. He then made me goat spaghetti bolognese without telling me - only to tell me after - asking if it tasted different to me. We had been together about 3 weeks.

Strangely he seems to be getting more and more affectionate with ds...

Will have to think of some more!!!!

I'm sorry...I'm laughing at the goat spag bol!! Omg that is so horrid! And so insensitive (except it clearly did not click with him that it was!!) Poor you after that...that is quite typical behaviour of my dh...remember once I asked if I could go on next night out with him and his mates...he said I could...so night out comes, I have nothing arranged...his mate rings...

dh: Hi how you doing...oh is she? yeah I can ask...

aside to me: can you drive us to x city? Mates girlfriend is coming as well....

I was too shocked but to say yes...I was in pieces over that..tried to explain why I was upset, considered leaving that night...but because he had not a clue what he had done... But I must say...your goat spag bol tops that one...another example is me going on about us getting a new bed rather than the temp one we have had for 3 years...which I have been having discussions and conversations with dh about replacing...he always maintained it was okay for him...I told him I wanted to replace it...time after time. So the other day...

dh: oh mum asked if we wanted the double bed from their spare room.

me: great, the one with the extra deep mattress? Fantastic, you did say yes?

dh: no, we don't need a new bed...

me: don't you remember me saying for the past 3 years about needing a new bed?

dh: I have a lot of more important things to think of than some random conversation.

I let that one go...he genuinely did not remember I know men don't always listen...but we discussed it more than once!!

You know...thinking about our wedding...you know the bit when they finally address you...or meant too...when doing the rings...looked over my shoulder..and I remember thinking 'you could bloody well look at me!!!'' But didn't say anything. He never smiles for the camera either...and he kinda looks through the camera and you if he does look at all...

I think on the sociability side I'm fortunate, he is very sociable and will talk to anyone...but he still comes across as aloof and arrogant...and doesn't look at them...but the mates who have met him like him.

That 'no I couldn't be bothered' that is him to a T!! All the time. And then I feel like a naive idjit! Yes the tone and inflection are missing...never thought of it that way...just accepted it

Have to say losing track of conversation...that's me in our house what with the 'lectures' I kind of lose track Read on a website one lady who's dh talked to her in his 'professor' voice...that is my dh! He can remember what people were wearing, what they said, the month and year they were talking (back to childhood) yet he cannot remember any conversations about beds

Dh picks up things...not jingles so much as phrases...and uses them often. Said the same thing to me at night since we met 5 years ago...'goodnight and thank you'. Its what david bowie said for his last concert...5 years...how many nights is that?

Try telling him its the man's job to bring downstairs random glasses of water in the main bedroom . My sister used to have a jug of orange squash and a cup of orange squash with a straw...when I was last in contact with her she was still doing this...that was at age 30!!

Perhaps he finds it easy to be with ds? Less complicated emotionally?

xx