Lack of affection? Am I expecting too much?

[waitingtobloom]

Im six months pregnant at the moment and dont know whether the hormones are getting to me or whether it is a problem that is always there but is exacerbated at times like this. I am so sorry at the length of this post - cannot talk to anyone else and really miserable with it all.

Basically my DH has never been that affectionate or understanding of emotions and it has got worse over time. He has a tendency to be extremely logical/practical and emotions or how things make me feel never seem to play a role in it.

Thinking back it has always been like that but I think I kind of hoped things would change or he would get better - always blamed it on stress or something but nothing has changed.

He never ever tells me he loves me and when I question it he seems confused and says I should just know. He rarely hugs me, doesnt kiss me, wont cuddle with me etc - unless he wants sex. And then when he does want sex there is no affection with it - its about getting on with having an orgasm and nothing else.

At six months pregnant he has never once stroked my bump and refuses to try and feel baby kick. I have stopped talking to him about the baby because last pregnancy he had a major go at me for mentioning something to do with the baby nearly every day. He doesnt come to appointments or scans with me, doesnt know when they are, doesnt ask etc. But if I question him about it again he seems really shocked that I would feel unloved/uncared about and gives some very logical reason why not - completely devoid of any emotion. He was the same last pregnancy - wouldnt even come home from work when I was sent to the hospital at 37 with high bp. I had to drive myself - was told to ring him if they were going to induce me. When DS was born he went to work whilst I was in labour as I couldnt be definite when he would be born and he might of missed a days work "for nothing". When DS was born he went home afterwards - he had to and did need some sleep - but made sure he got his full 8 hours, leisurely breakfast etc before coming back to the hospital 12 hours later leaving me sitting alone.

Our son recently had an operation and he wasnt in the least bit stressed or worried by any of it. He couldnt understand why I was worried about it and why it upset me. Its as if he cant experience emotion.

The one thing I can never forget and I know I have to just forgive and forget about is our wedding night. Sometime during the night I fell asleep, woke an hour or so later to find him missing. Rang him and rang him with no answer. He finally rings back - he had gone home (staying in posh local hotel) as he couldnt sleep in a strange bed. Apparently he would pick me up after breakfast - couldnt see anything wrong with this at all.

Today he has just announced he is going to work fathers day - self employed and does not need to.

I am sorry to list so many examples and ramble on but I am desperately unhappy. If I explain any of this to him its as if he just does not understand. Its not as if he is cold and horrible to me but the emotion is not there. He is like it with others too - barely shrugged his shoulders at the news of his mum having breast cancer. He somehow manages to turn it back to me - I am too needy, have issues or am expecting too much emotionally from a man. He often tells me he is the nicest man he knows and other men would be far worse. None of this is said in a horrible way - he geninely believes it all.

I dont know what to do - I really need some affection and support but dont know if I am over reacting.

Any ideas or experiences? Shoudl I just accept this? I just feel so lonely.

I'm lol too! How do we cope with them? You poor thing, I'm sure you do look lovely in all your clothes...and if you feel good in them...you will look good I'm sure very few of us look like top models here! I certainly don't, but make the most of what I have

I cannot believe how you are echoing the breastfeeding comments...and the labour sounds similar...

I think I'm going to ask him to take the quiz...he is open minded...I just want him to see how he relates differently to me...how sometimes we both need to meet in the middle and I am NOT being over emotional...just normal...whatever that is!...average...

Took the test myself (hey I could have problems too!...maybe it is me!) but I come out 'neurotypical'...I know I do have obcessive compulsiveness...but that is under control.

Will broach it as 'you know how we are different...would you be open to taking this quiz...it may help us understand each other better...' Maybe he does have aspergisms...or not...what if he comes out neurotypical?...Will I just go back to trying to get what I need from him by repeating it over and over? And thinking its me?

Oh and I never said...when the hv was still coming round...she mentioned next child (I have a neg blood so have to have injections etc) and he said ...and I was about 2 weeks post baby 'oh I'd start the next one today...' deadpan. NOt a hint of a joke. I brushed it off with 'let the stitches heal first darling'...tongue firmly in cheek!

Does your dh also have very little range of emotion...not angry, not silly...just very limited range? Spock like almost . He cannot understand me getting cross or raising voice with dd at times...thinks looking after her is 'easy' which then makes me feel like I'm a crap mum and complaining about nothing...feel quite worthless at times...and that I don't deserve a break...

Hugs to you again for the dress comment...going to ask him to do quiz...cross fingers...he doesn't get upset so what have I too lose?

xx

My friends often comment how nice my maternity stuff is and say how well I look - I actually think I look better pregnant as I lose so much weight and my dodgy part is usually my stomach anyway lol. Its just he doesnt understand how to put things or when to leave things eg "i dont really like it" would have been sufficient not a list of ways it was awful.

He doesnt really have emotions at all to be honest - not much makes him happy...not much makes him annoyed. He is very level shall we say. Although he does hate waiting etc. Apparently he thinks I am very high maintenance emotion wise - no one else thinks this at all! He also makes me feel like a useless mum as doesnt find it hard (but has only spent about 2 full days ever with him). He never says im doing a good job or coping well etc...doesnt see why i need it.

There are some fantastic comments on that website - I love the one of "i told her 37 years ago that i loved her i will let her know if it changes" - that sums it up perfectly!

This has so cheered me up talking to you - nice to know there is someone else who understands.

I got the name of the book wrong it's: 'Loving Mr Spock'

The patio story made me feel so sad for both of you,it sounded like your dh was desperately trying to do something that would help you.

I try to help my son as he struggles through his friendship with a girl at school and I often wonder how he'd cope with a full on relationship when he's older-although he knows when I'm upset(through some books and films he knows).

The other day ds wrote me a list of things after he'd been taking his anger out on me and one of the things he wrote was 'I am glad I came out of your tummy' some of the the others were 'I like your age-31 years old' and 'you can be the boss'(!)I've already got the idea of laminating that list-sad as it is-because it means so much to me.

Could I ask,how well do you know your dh's mum-does she ever talk to you about their relationship when he was growing up/now?Sorry if too intrusive or personal-I know that you said his mum had breast cancer-from earlier post-wondered if his parents have commented on his difficulties to you.

I do appreciate how hard it must be for you - I know my ds1 loves me, but he won't sit next to me and hugs are at the same time every day!
I think if you read books by people like Wendy Lawson (who has aspergers) you will find that people with as are not unemotional - just very very different to neurotypical people in the way they see the world.
people with as can learn to share emotion - I do RDI( a kind of therapy) with my ds1 that is all about learning to share and empathise.
I have heard of relate offering therapy specifically for an aspergers marriage, but that was on a random google search a while back!
I really believe that a greater understanding can only lead to a better relationship. Your dh perhaps doesn't realise that you consider not going on with the relationship.
I suppose what I'm trying to say to a lot of the posters on this thread is give people with as a chance to get help and change before writing them off. Not you waitingtobloom - I think you have a remarkably understanding attitude to your dh considering his behaviour.
I think it was simon baron-cohen (i think his clinic offers adult diagnosis) who descibed this as extreme maleness - so most people can empathise a little bit - I would share more about your relationship and then you might get more support.
Sorry to ramble on, but i've thought about this all day - one of my constant worries is what on earth will ds1 do when he's an adult.

His parents - his dad seems quite the same - will be really blunt and not consider feelings at all. His mum is always sending me lovely cards when I do things or just for being a great mum - maybe she realises what he is like.

No one else seems to think he is odd in anyway though - although he doesnt really have any close friends any more. They all seem to think he is lovely - which he would be as a friend. We have never really talked about past relationships but he has made a couple of comments "girls only wanted to be friends with me" "they said i was nice but werent in love with me". Perhaps this is what they meant.

Sorry - was called to bath time half way through that...

Your son sounds lovely - and what a lovely list. I would be getting the laminator out too! Hopefully with a lovely mummy like you he will learn about emotions etc - I really believe they can learn even if not fully understand. Strange that you mentioned learning from films and books - my dh is very like that - if a character in a film does something really romantic its like it dawns on dh that maybe is what he could do too. Problem is he refuses to watch romantic films as they are "stupid".

At least my patio is very nice lol

Sounds a lot like my ex-h who I have frequently felt has Aspergers. He refused to accept I was in labour with dd2 (I didn't seem to be "in enough pain") then when we finally made it to the hospital, he fidgeted about the room constantly, made weird conversation with the midwifes, then went off to get a curry which stank out the labour ward! They sympathetically told me that some men just don't get it!

Not much help to you, but I get the feeling your dh may not really be capable of changing. If you can cope with the fact that he doesn't mean any of it maliciously, that may be a help. I in the end got most of my emotional support and empathy from female friends, which was partly why the marriage came to an end - there was little affection left from me (on top of his violence and alcoholism, but that is another story and hopefully one which will not apply to you). Could you cope if you had more friendship and affection from others?

Just reading this with great sympathy and interest. I am dating a man now, for the past year who I thought was a bit 'nerdy' to begin with. Unlike any other man I have met. Also very collected and functional and routinely. At first when all was clear as a bell, I thought that he was slightly 'weird' in his way... but what the hell... sweet natured, quiet, moralistic and with values. Also was comparing inside of me about EH who was an emotional rollercoaster, so thought this man was total opposite and I'm just not used to normal people. But reading some of the things you guys are saying, it scared me that he maybe slightly like this. He was married but told me his wife had pnd depression and she completely turned cold on him. I believe him, he's is also very honest. He doesn't go into his past at all but insists on 'moving forward' with our relationship, as if its from a list he has composed of how to proceed with a relationship. Mmmmm.... made me think deep about the things I noticed initially about him as odd, but have slowly gotten used to and no longer get concerned with... its just him... his ways. He is extremely sweet and I adore him. The only thing that doesn't fit with him is that he is very loving in the bedroom and although not spontaneous, allows me to express myself however. This has been interesting reading and made me think about things...I will be noticing more from now on.

Kally - the list idea for relationships seems to be common - almost like they have put themselves together a how to book. My DH actually started mentioning getting married very very soon - almost like it was something to be done on a list. I told him I wouldnt even think about getting engaged until we had been together a certain length of time.

Guess what - the night we had been together that certain amount of time - he must have worked it out - he proposed.

What do you mean by "extremely sweet"? If he is making caring gestures, worrying about you - or at least voicing that worry then perhaps he is just very honest and practical. Im not sure I could describe anything my DH does as extremely sweet any more. I really hope your partner doesnt turn out this way xx

Oldcrock - snap and why on earth is it always stinky foods??? Mine then spent the next couple of weeks telling everyone how tired he was after having to miss a nights sleep at the birth - despite getting his full 8 hours every night since whilst I never regained that night and was up every hour or so with very frequent breastfeeding baby...the midwives are right...some just dont get it.

I met my guy on the net. He was so persistent almost 4 months before I agreed to meet him because he sounded almost fake. Then when we met I was still in the same frame of mind, this guys not for real. as if he was following instructions from a book.Sweet, walked me to the train, then as I didn't initiate a kiss he did, then kept on persuing me when I was a bit cool as I felt there was a strangness about him. But his persistance paid off and now he comes to me regularly and I do feel very fond of him. Almost as if he was starved of love and affection and really needed to be shown how. Me and my DD are very OTT with affection and altho he never withdraws, I do initiate it. I see he gets quite upset if we row, he is always cool and collected and orchestrates it letting me vent, then becomes very calm and logical (making me sort of defuse) we row about his lack of consistant contact as we live apart, so now he calls me regularly, every day. He has accomodated my request. I hope he is not like this, but it has made me bite my nails a bit. I can imagine him being like this once he no longer needs to 'strive' so to speak. He does get very upset if we row to the point that its 'me saying ''thats it''.. almost as if I am ruining his master plan. But perhaps I am being paranoic now. he is not a control freak in the least. He once called me upset that I was going out with friends and asked me if I was playing head games with him (I was not) and this somehow gave me a glimmer of a hope that he does have real feelings of vulnerability. Yes, thats the word, they seem as if they are invulnerable emotionally. He does get jealous, altho there is no need as I am not the type to deliberately stir this. Does your husband seem as if he is invincible emotionally? He brought his son to us, (he is raising him) and the child was sweet and he was relaxed and very warm with him... less official but very functional again..

He also proposed to me quite early into the relationship, as to which I said 'its early days yet'. He then suggested we live together and understood I have no intention of moving to his town as DD in school and we have not long come back to the UK. He is considerate of my life. But its as if I change the contents of the plan, he adapts and functionally goes about setting up a different strategy to 'keep' me in his life. He is into IT. He doesn't elaborate much on that. Loves current affairs but I think thats typical since it can be read on a daily routine basis - nothing more routine than a newspaper - he has gotten me into his routines as well, they formed out of nowhere. Breakfast, shower, another tea... I see he is comfortable with it and without realising, accomodate. How strange it is to read all these posts here... a real awakening. He also remembers everything I tell him.

Also I felt our relationship was fine at the beginning whilst I was a bit less vocal and when I lived in his flat for a few months before I got married.

But I would say the deterioration started when we moved into our MH where patterns and routines were more up for negotiation.

I felt alot of the time I was battling against 'his way'.

It wasn't like that when I lived with someone in my 20s.

Emotionally invincible - what a wonderful way to describe it! Yes completely and it drives me nuts. We dont argue really. If we do its because we disagree over something - usually me getting upset over something - i cant remember the last time he argued or was upset with me - and then once I get upset or raise a view which he doesnt understand he just shuts off. It just doesnt seem to affect him.

When we were first together we had a big fight about something - or he did something, i got upset, left etc. Spent night crying, day stressing before going to see him. He was painting a room as happy as larry. We made up - mainly me agreeing i was being over emotional and then he went back to painting the room...

When we have had very big fights - eg him leaving me on my wedding night and once when i found he had been sending kinky texts to a random woman (long other story) he just reacts very non emotionally. He couldnt actually understand why I was upset when i found fairly graphic texts on his phone to another woman. He just didnt get it. He hadnt done anything wrong apparently and besides I wasnt meant to find out (?!). This was made worse by the fact he will never text me as he doesnt see the point - he is busy doing other things and can talk to me when he sees me (again highly logical).

Anyway he said sorry - in a non emotional way but did nothing else to try and make it up to me. Was very emotionally distant. Almost stated his case like in a court of law and waited for me to forgive him but without doing anythign to increase the chances of that. When i said he didnt seem to care he said of course he did but he didnt know how to make me change how i was feeling as he didnt understand why i was feeling that way. Anyway I forgave him and we just got on with things - but he never seemed sorry - not maliciously - but like he didnt understand.

Does your partner tell you he loves you? Do nice things with you? Want to cheer you up and make your life better? Does he know how to do these things - and not just not knowing because you havent been together long.

My exh couldn't say he loved me and if we did kiss (without sex being involved) it was a peck and he giggled like a school boy!

He always got angry when I cried and would shout at me-making me cry more,which is what my ds does to dd now.

I was meant to be starting a new job once and exh went AWOL-no mobile to contact him and I had the dcs so I couldn't go in.Turned out that he'd gone to the cinema to see Harry Potter film-one that he knew I also wanted to see.He turned up at home and when I told him about my job he just didn't react-wouldn't even say sorry as "what good would it do,I'd only be saying it because you want me to,not because I meant it."

Not exactly DO things. I did loose my job and he called immediately saying he felt cold from this. He also gave me a good phone because mine was useless and this way he could call me without problems (functional). Actually if I was honest, I do most of the nurturing things and find myself waiting on him (I don't mind doing this)as he is very appreciative in that he will say rather oddly ' Thank you for your show of affection' (like he read somewhere.. thats what I should say now).. he bought my daughter a beautiful little ipod for her b'day, for mine nothing, but he did txt me early a.m. to wish me a good b'day. He did want to buy me stuff, but it was odd, like... take a coat, then in another shop, take some boots... (didn't think perfume or something less functional) he often and likes to take my body creams (another guy wouldn't dream of this right?) (which as he has black skin enjoys them extremely), is fastididious almost about his grooming, a pain in the ar$e infact.. but has never offered to massage me with oils etc (as I do him). He did bring his music to copy to cds for me... come to think of it, the fact of the matter is no, he doesn't really do a whole lot for me... yikes.. me thinks me's got me one o'them guys..will have to exaimne this. But your posts will haunt me now.

I think all men can show some signs of being emotionally selfish and emotionally 'retarded'. They act in response to negavtives how they would react with their mums I think. Like being quiet and withdrawn instead of acting and making an effort to build things back up and create reassurance. Perhaps thats how he was when reprimanded or scolded as a kid. I allow my kids fight back time, to voice. Perhaps he wasn't but somehow or other things would sweep over and he sort of stayed put, didn't loose anything by being withdrawn. A lot of men can be like that. Thinking of EH who was a total nutcase emotionally.

I think the absolute best you can expect of people like this is that, with careful training (chocolate button vs smack on head) you will be able to get them to say pre-scripted emotional things and give hugs if they are given a timetable to do so. IE you can teach them manners and rules, but you can't teach a person how to have feelings. Will that do you? Because, not only do they have no particular reason to change, but they can't and actually they shouldn't have to. They are who they are.

Waitingtobloom...do you ever find when people say 'and how is dh? What is he up to?' that you struggle to tell them how he is, without it being the same as last time you told them?

Dh doesn't do waiting well, and yep...I'm so glad you echo the 'doesn't find it hard'!!! Makes you feel like a spare part! And ask yourself why your complaining/wanting empathy about things if its all so easy!!

That "i told her 37 years ago that i loved her i will let her know if it changes" made me smile too!

My dh re friendship does have friends...but they are strange. He has had girlfriends in the past but from what he has said of their behaviour they too had problems with how he was/is. His family have their problems but I don't think any are autistic in anyway. Where as my own family...I was attracted to dh as he in some ways is like my dad...now I realise its the Aspergers I'm attracted too...long rambling talks on faviorate topics, unemotional, unaware of others feelings...my sister seems a prime candidate for it too..she obcessively collects dvd's of tv series...all of them. She watched 3 childrens films over and over and over again...2 or 3 times every day when we were kids...up until present day. She too can be...well blunt isn't the word for it...she cannot seem to communicate in a normal way...she will talk very stiltedly in a very 'put on' well spoken voice with a strange expression. She will insult friends without a second thought 'oh I don't like that handbag, why did you get that?'...she was horrendous to me when we were growing up together. She cannot maintain relationships with men. And as for my paternal grandad...he was renouned for his friends being people other people did not associate with due to their strange ways, he collected everything...when he passed away it took weeks to clear his room of cornflake boxes (hundreds/thousands), matchboxes, bullets, newspapers, fireworks...all good for a fire . He also could bore the socks off any body who came to call...on his specialist subjects...one of which was buildings that had been knocked down in the city he lived in. And even a slidesshow of them before and after . My paternal uncle also seems to have symptoms of it too. Starting to think I'm seeing it everywhere! But they all have that obcessive collecting, lack of friends/strange friends, inability to see others emotions...it all fits in.

Anyway...back to dh! He refuses to watch romantic films for same reason...romantic gestures happened twice. He got me a very expensive bunch of roses on valentines day...but only because I asked (so on his list...like that one!). He did again the next year but has not bothered since. He didn't bring flowers or cards when I had dd (will add to his list for when we have another dc!), he doesn't do 'sweet'.

sexandthecitylover - 'I felt alot of the time I was battling against 'his way'.' My god yes! I say no to nights out...its as if I have a brick wall to ask for him to change his routine...so most of the time I don't ask...when I do tho he is very accomodating and changes his plans accordingly...

Waitingtobloom - dh never argues. We discuss. He doesn't get upset with me either...he can shut off too...tho he did once say 'I get upset too'...made me he feels?! Dh also very very rarely apologises...as he cannot see what he has done wrong...and logically if he cannot understand how he hurt me, how can he apologise for something he does not know about? Poor you about the texts...don't worry...I understand why you would be a mite upset!!! Dh says same thing about texting to me too! Oh and on 'other women', he told me about in his town they had a tradition where on xmas eve/ny eve you could snog anyone's girlfriend or girl that you wanted (and vice versa for the girls)...luckily he told me this story just before xmas eve...I did say 'You think that's okay? Would you still do it??' Naturally the answer was 'yes' so I told him I would NOT be happy about it and he accepted that...strange town he lives in tho .

Kally = love the 'accomodated my request'... just how I would describe dh changing any behaviour due to my requesting change (should send him an office memo ). And the adapting the plan to keep you in his life...yes for dh too. I do all the housework...afterall its logical separation? He does all the heavy manual labour at work that I could not do and I look after dd and the house.

Madamez - agree with what you say.

Almost forgot as well...I did ask dh to take an aspergers test last night...he was wary and wanted to know why (I appealed to his logical side...it would help us understand each other better hopefully in the long run). He came out neurotypical/aspergers. He did say he suspected he had it when he first read about it...or many of the traits so it was of no surprise...but I feel happier now I have something to go on. Did get a comical moment when doing the test tho...question came up 'do you find it easy to describe your feelings'...it was the only question he paused for ...for about a minute...then said 'yes'! Hmm...having heard his feelings once in 5 years I have my doubts about that answer...or maybe he tells his friends his feelings that he goes boozing with...

Also meant to ask...WTB, does your dh have problems with simple instructions? My dh puts on dd's shoes wrong way, clothes on the wrong way round, inside out, dirty, cannot cope with our first car seat, cannot remember things like putting toilet seat down, keeping a particular door shut...been on about 4 things for the past 2 months now due to our kitten...put down toilet seats, shut both bedroom doors, take key out of front door as dd can open it...he's finally managed to remember the last one this week...drives me nuts...let alone 'leave the bathroom towels straight so they dry quicker' he has more important things to think of sure he does...

Yours frustratedly

weshareadh xx

That was long lol - but I am again open mouthed - they are the same man arent they!!!

In reverse order perhaps...

"does your dh have problems with simple instructions" - oh yes. He cannot deal with the car seat either. And the biggest problem is him leaving sharp knives on the surfaces after he uses them. Despite telling him time and time again, him knowing its dangerous as ds could reach them he still does it - its like he just cannot learn to put them somewhere safely

"I do all the housework...afterall its logical separation" - yep. despite me being main wage earner I do vast majority of day to day things - its like it doesnt occur to him to do them. I cant remember him ever cleaning, chaning bed etc. However he automatically does all the "male" tasks without a second thought. I recently told him it was a fathers job to do bath time and since then...he has done every bath (need to play this to our advantage"

"Dh also very very rarely apologises" - omg. I dont think he ever has - he just kind of says right we've finished discussing this. Doesnt even say the word sorry for big things - its like he doesnt get it.

Where on earth is that town?!?!?

He got me a very expensive bunch of roses on valentines day...but only because I asked (so on his list...like that one!) - he is like this. If i explain something is romantic he does it. If I basically ask him/tell him he should get me flowers he will. Hmmm...rules for diamonds maybe...

do you ever find when people say 'and how is dh? What is he up to?' - yes yes yes! I kind of say "um yeah hes fine" - because hes done nothing, expressed no emotions etc.

Family links. Yes. I (and my mum) are convinced my dad has it. Saying that I have no idea why I am attracted to my dad as had bad childhood relationship with him. Perhaps we seek patterns. I am certainly not attracted to my dads behaviour but perhaps I expect thats how a man behaves?? My dad has different traits though - he does show emotion and kiss my mum a lot but its almost following rules. I remember him getting very annoyed when I was a child because I refused to kiss him hello - and i mean freakily annoyed. If you ask him what he wants to do for a special occasion he says "what did we do last year".

I also think his mum may have had it. My mum was recently cleaning her house out after she died. Now bear in mind she was 91. She had a whole chest full of sanitary towels and a tiny string bikini. LOL. She also had every jumper she had ever had labeled in a bag along the lines of "my blue jumper" "my green jumper" - there would be one in nearly every colour. Along with every shoe box.

I often ask my mum if she thinks I have it - she says no im very different but i worry now for my son. However he is very very social and loving without any kind of obsession so fingers crossed not.

ARGH. Are you sure they are not the same man???

Don't think so but were they separated at birth??

The safety issues are so true. When we went on holiday to seaside (again ) he took us for a walk on the beach...round to another cove...I was really worried, I was aware the tide would be coming in, had told him the tide time...he was all blase until he saw tide had definately turned...then he suddenly seemed to realise the importance of knowing the tide times...it doesn't sound much but at the time I had mentioned it a number of times to him...he's like a brick wall!!! After that scare he is now very careful about it all.

Love the 'its a fathers job' will utilise that one...I can see him going along with the 'logic' . And the diamonds...it is a mans job to be romantic . Still waiting for an engagement ring...we had a secret wedding (tho he would not let me grab two witnesses off the street and was very stressed at me asking 2 friends to travel from an hour 30 mins away incase they did not make it...I was very laid back about it! He even suggested they stay overnight at the town we were getting married in to be sure they got there on time...). Anyway...because it was secret and a functional thing to do...no romantic engagement ring...when I ask for one he tells me the money can be better spent on dd and what do I want a ring for

So glad I'm not the only one with the 'he's fine...'. I feel such a muppet and like I don't pay attention to my own dh! But there really is nothing to tell, is there?

We do seek patterns...we form our first relationships with family members (in general) and then we seek to replicate them with lovers and friends because they are what we are comfortable with. Even at times acting as we do with our family to get the friend/partner to act as they would...all subconcious...

Your dad and grandmother sound like they have it...love the jumpers, sanitary towels and string bikini ...

I worried I may have it...but I took the test too...came out neuro typical (they call it...) I do have other problems...but I seem to be okay on this one...thank goodness!

Does your dh have problems with eye contact too? My dh looks over peoples shoulders or about 5 foot to the side of them when he talks to them. Used to feel but will be more resilient about it now . He does make eye contact with me. And has your dh every been described as arrogant/aloof? My dh can also tell jokes and keep a deadpan face...or take the mick out of people deadpan. He also sometimes talks to people serving him ie waitresses in an almost 'lord of the manor' way. He does it with me at times too . At times I have sarcastically tugged my forelock and said 'yuss surr' in a good west country accent...

Did you also find when you were pg with first ds (who sounds fine...but I understand at a young age obcessions can be normal...I hope so anyway...if I have to watch peter rabbit...again.....) did dh say that you would sleep when the baby slept during the day and catch up on sleep that way? Unfortunately even tho this was not the case when dd was born (screamed unless bfing) the advice did not change (would have upset his routine...)

Also notice aspergers is called 'extreme maleness'. Now that does make sense! Dh has got physical in the past...when I don't 'do as I'm told' he will jokingly (in his 'funny' way) twist an arm behind my back...that sort of thing till I 'submit' and do as asked ie on one occasion take a picture of something (not anything rude!!). Sounds a bit kinky written down but its what he does. I did go along with it at first...(I know...) and now I tend to make it clear I will not submit...even if my arm is broken, not that he would but it is v aggressive and I don't want my dd seeing him do that. Actually...I need to be much firmer about it having reread that. That is not neuro typical! Anyway..all that may all just be my dh...it seems a bit too 'weird' to be your's as well...

Oh oh oh...and does your dh have a very bored and disinterested voice when you ask him something...ie

me 'can you shut the curtains please'
dh 'riiiiggghhhttt' in irritated, sarcastic, disrespectful way...that makes me a) b)

Will stop now...hope you prompt more thoughts...its good to share this...

xx

And he likes the dark...

My guy will lay in bed (yes, likes the dark as well) and say 'it is very hot in here can you please open the window' and its right on his side... I have to get up and go round the bed to open the window. Also our bikes have to be brought in the house when he comes over (paranoic about them being stolen). Does not go off into rambling talks and is a good listener, remembers everything I say and about whom... even scares me sometimes, his accuracy. I can make him laugh intensely, but he can strangley stop and then get up and go read a newspaper as if 'thats that now' or will say 'can you bring me a drink please' totally off the wall out of context... because that what he wants right now. Doesn't say long goodbyes on the phone, can almost put the phone down on you. Once he's said what he has to say... its click. I used to send him long loving emails, poems, how I felt etc... his answer? Thank you darling I love you too. Or 'that was a particularly beautiful peice' and thats that. Or 'I read your email, thankyou'.. I used to wait for some long peice back but no. If there was other info in the email about day to day stuff.... he's say 'thanks for the update'!!!! Like I had to report in or something. Texts? Very short and almost non existant. He would never initiate a horny text or something like that. I think mine is aware that he is like that, and has probably decided he will do his best to normalise himself. he does try, you can feel the forced effort when he is trying to appear normal. He did say that people think he has OCD.. but laughed at that, (because he is very clean) washes hands a lot and showers etc. He hates my cats. Pretends to be interested at their growing, but really its false interest to appear normal.

Oh you get the 'thanks for the update!!' too!! Tis very very frustrating...pour thoughts and emotions into an email and get back the 'thanks for the update!'...

Just spoken to dh at teatime...apparently relationships don't need emotion logic does just as well

He is very good at reading peoples intentions...and what they will do next...so he can read into peoples emotions...or rather he's logical about it all...he classes that as emotional intelligence. I call it logical deduction...

This is going to be a long road

Arse. Just outed myself was hoping to keep 2 separate personas but there ya go!