Had An Amazing First Date And He Keeps Texting But Not Made Plan For Second Date

[HelpHedgehogsByFeedingThemCatBiscuits]

I had an amazing date 2 days ago. We met for a 2-hour coffee date, and he seemed v keen, lots of chemistry and he suggested meeting again as we parted.

He messaged me that evening with a light-hearted message, some nice compliments. I replied the next morning and we exchanged a few jokey texts. I left him on read as I want a boyfriend not a pen pal.

The following morning, he sent me another light-hearted message and we continued in this vein a bit. I thought I should move things on if he was unable to so replied, “it would be nice to meet up again”.

He replied immediately, “when and where”.

At this point I wilted. He also wanted me to suggest a place to meet for the first date - I suggested the area (between both our homes) but I asked him to decide - he found a lovely place, so is capable.

We are both in our 60’s so it’s quite rare to get a mutual attraction. I’m just find it irritating that he can’t he make a plan. I feel the lust draining from my body which is a shame as he really was terrific (in the flesh at any rate!). I am wondering if attractive men get a bit spoilt and are used to women running around making plans for them? I’d so much prefer him to

Am I doomed to pen-pal purgatory if I persevere?

Just tell him what you want/ need.
Explain.
He may think he is being considerate and easy going. But if that doesn't work for you then let him know.

It sounds as if he's had an imagination by-pass; that could get tedious after a while. Just my initial thought, though.

I feel your pain OP.
There are times when picking up the phone is so much easier than exchanging 200 texts with a stranger.
Also it is impossible to gage nuance over text.
It’s a shame people are so terrified of the phone.

If you had chemistry then I'd give him a chance. Yes, you picked the area for the first date, but he picked the place. You choose the place next time and see what happens after. If he continues to avoid making choices then let it peter out. Alternatively, for next date tell him you'll pick the venue, but ask him what location he'd prefer. Maybe he has self esteem issues and is afraid of getting it wrong, or somehow doesn't believe he's worth of being seen for a second date.

I think you’re being too picky if this is the only thing wrong with him at this stage. I would suggest somewhere now and on the second date tell him your needs/ expectations that he is a bit more decisive. Talking about these sorts of things in person is better than by text.

You'd think that both being oldies the phone wouldn't be so terrorising.
I always think things start as they mean to go on in relationships.
As it is, I feel the lust draining from my body.

I think you're being a bit harsh. He may think you prefer to choose?

Silence is also an answer. I would ignore until he texts with a plan. You made it hard for yourself by suggesting meeting up again though. I would have answered one or two of his follow up chit chat texts and then ignored until he asked. I would not reply to anything else until he comes up with date details. This is me though. I like men to do the planning and arranging. My husband was quite happy to luckily

I agree.
However I probably will persevere but it's become a bit like a job now and that delicious fizzy feeling has evaporated.
Men take note!

Tell him when (as he doesn't have psychic access to your schedule) and ask him to pick where!

Maybe he just didn’t want to seem pushy, and thought he should let you decide rather than him suggesting something and you not being keen.

@HelpHedgehogsByFeedingThemCatBiscuits

"As it is, I feel the lust draining from my body."

Yikes! If that's all it takes, then don't see him again. There's no way he'll be able to keep your interest.

He can make a plan though, he did for the first one. He offered you the choice, and when you didn't want to make it, he did so. Surely that makes it your turn to choose somewhere this time.

I typed the conundrum into Grok and got quite a good response. I like the phrase `pen pal purgatory'.

`I hear you—you’re excited, you felt the spark, and now it feels like he’s tossing the ball back without even swinging. At any age that’s frustrating, but in your 60s you’ve earned the right to expect a grown man to step up and lead a little.

Here’s what’s probably going on (and what you can do):

1. He may think “when and where” is stepping up

A lot of men—especially from our generation—were taught that “giving her options” is polite. He’s not necessarily lazy; he might genuinely believe he’s being accommodating. Annoying? Yes. Malicious? Usually not.

2. Texting has replaced calling for most people under 70

He may not realize a phone call feels more intentional to you. Some guys default to text because it’s low-pressure and they’re afraid of “bothering” you.

3. He’s still interested—otherwise he’d ghost

Two follow-ups plus a quick “when and where” means the ball is in play. He’s just playing pass instead of shoot.

---

What you can do (without becoming his social secretary):

Reply with a gentle nudge that sets the tone you want:

> “How about you surprise me? Pick a spot you love and a time that works for you this week—I’ll be there with bells on. 😊”

This does three things:

• *Puts the planning back on him* (politely).
• *Shows enthusiasm* so he doesn’t think you’re annoyed.
• *Signals you prefer a man who leads* without lecturing.

If he still deflects (“I don’t know, what do you want?”), then you’ll know he’s either conflict-avoidant or genuinely clueless—and you can decide if that’s a deal-breaker.

---

Bonus: If you really want the phone call

Add one line:

> “Or give me a quick ring when you’ve got a minute—I’d love to hear your voice.”

Direct, warm, zero games.

---

You’re not asking for a wedding proposal—just a second date with some effort. A man in his 60s who’s truly keen will rise to that. And if he doesn’t, you’ve saved yourself weeks of pen-pal purgatory'.

How is he supposed to know when you’re free?

How is she supposed to know when he is free?
honestly these low-energy guys are hard work.

x

Really?! And how is he meant to magically know that’s the game she’s playing!?
if someone I was interested in said they wanted to meet and I asked when and where, I would assume they’d thought better about it if they then ghosted me!

I'm really not playing any games. I've already put myself out on a limb by suggesting meeting up again but to have to plan everything as well just feels like a lot of heavy lifting so early on.

I think you might be being betrayed by your own hyperbole, OP. You met someone for a couple of hours over coffee and got on well with each other. That, in no sense, is “amazing”.

Just wait. If he doesn’t suggest anything then he didn’t feel as amazed as you did.

He's possibly testing out other options and he definitely isn’t that bothered about meeting.

But he picked the last place..?

He asked when and where - why not answer ‘you choose’ or ask him when he’s free and say you’ll go from there

Seems like you expect him to know your arbitrary rules of a game he doesn’t know he’s playing. Surely early dates should be a discussion?

He maybe feels he is doing the gentlemanly thing letting you choose? I know my now husband was like this. He told me he didn't care where we went as long as I was with him. I have no idea why you didn't reply to his texts after the first date - surely that's only being polite?

It's not difficult or complicated though is it? To say let's meet at x place. I'm thinking you might not be ready for meeting new people with your frame of mind.

You sound like a nightmare.

Maybe hes being trying to be a gent.

Playful messages are nice.

Replying to your suggestion of meeting up again straight away is nice.

Asking where youd like to go, nice.