Husband gone

[Lizziewest88]

Hi,

just want to get other peoples opinions. As I am so confused as to what to do!

My husband left our home about a week ago and has gone to his parents to ‘fix himself’. As he’s down not coping with life. He’s refusing to tell me when he is returning. He’s starting therapy next week.

We have 2 children one with ASD. He’s not seeing them at the moment. I’ve said he’s working away which he often does.

He says he still loves me but is getting annoyed that I’m pissed off not knowing when he is coming back. But he’s left me with a child who doesn’t sleep and needs a lot of support and a 3 year old.

Do I put up with this or draw a line? How long do I wait?

It’s confusing and I am exhausted.

You know the answer to this OP!! He’s thoughtless, selfish and of no use to you. Loving you isn’t leaving you to cope on your own.
we all need to “sort ourselves” sometimes but as parents & co-responsible adults, we don’t just up sticks and run back to M&D!! He’s thinking purely of himself. What would you tell a friend if their husband just deserted their family for some me time???
You deserve more!!

"has gone to his parents to ‘fix himself’. As he’s down not coping with life."

Sorry, this sounds like The Script, ie he's cheating.

He can’t just opt out of being a parent. What’s your relationship with your in laws? Do you feel comfortable speaking to them?
I’d be inclined to say (in the firm of a lawyers letter) that you are going to formalise the separation and want some sort of visitation put in place and money to pay for extra child care (I have no idea if this is possible).

Relationship is mixed, but I feel that they are facilitating this behaviour. At home everything done no responsibiliies. I just feel physically sick. I just don’t understand it. And how can you not tell someone when you are coming back, it’s work as child with ASD needs routine and structure.

Thats also crossing my mind. I just need clarity on the situation

That makes me so mad for you. Women don’t just sod off to their parents or wherever to ‘fix themselves’, they maintain their responsibilities. It drives me so insane that women are still always the default parent.

Anyway, they usually do have another woman OP. They don’t tend to leave their comforts until some more comforts are lined up. Just how they are.

He seems to have checked out. I would formalise the arrangement.

How are you fixed financially? Is he still contributing? Did he help with childcare previously?

It doesn't matter if he is cheating or wants to cheat - that is irrelevant.
What matters is that he feels entitled to opt out of parenting, and is cruel enough to just leave OP dangling and in the dark, in an emotional mess.

OP - take back control. Decide for yourself how long you will give him before you declare the relationship over. He doesn't get to decide this unilaterally. He doesn't get to delay the decision, or make it on his own terms. He doesn't get to have his cake and eat it, being physically absent but still "in" the relationship.

Decide - will you give him two more weeks? A month?

You set the deadline for him to get his sorry arse back home to you and start grovelling. You set the terms of accepting him back - do you want to go counselling together? For him to go to counselling? Or do you think that would be a waste of time? Do you need him to transfer you some money in the meantime? Do you need him to commit to parenting X evenings while you go out for a bit of respite?
What do you need from him to make it right?

If your deadline expires and he is not back, or if he comes and goes again, or if he is showing insufficient signs of being sorry for what he has put you through, then you take action - see a solicitor and get the divorce ball rolling.

Ask him when he's coming back so you can arrange some time away to fix yourself.

What is your financial and housing situation? Do you have a joint bank account? In your place, I would make sure that you and your children are financially secure just in case he found another woman and wants to leave you and the kids. They will lie and lie but in 90% of cases this is what stands behind it all sadly. Give him an ultimatum and if he doesn't come back in a week, take half of the money from your joint account to your personal account. Take also some legal advice as to next steps. You need means to secure yourself and the kids and if he has an affair he might be starting to syphon the money away (they never tell you this). So you need to be prepared and 1 step ahead of him.

No mother would ever do this. It’s absolutely maddening that he thinks it is acceptable. Also very poor that his parents are facilitating in my opinion.

I saw it defined very well once: the difference between motherhood and fatherhood is demonstrated perfectly by the fact that a mother could 100% never have a secret second family in the way that some men do.

Ah, this is a tricky and confusing situation for you. Unfortunately men tend to be in the more fortunate position of being able to opt out of family life when they want to, leaving you alone with caring responsibilities and no certainty about how long this situation may last.

I disagree with the suggestion that he is cheating. If he is starting therapy shortly, then I believe that he really is doing what he says he is doing and taking some time out to sort himself out.

It does seem unfair that he has left you with no indication as to when he might be back - and maybe this is understandable from his point of view, as he doesn't know how long it will take until he feels ready to come back, but at the same time you need to know - as do the children. It's not fair on either of you.

As it sounds that he genuinely doesn't know when he will be back, I would suggest that you both agree to have regular check-ins (whether that's every couple of days, or weekly) to see how he's doing.

Again, as I said, this is grossly unfair on you, but the calmer you are able to remain in the situation, the less resentful he will become to you checking-in or wanting an answer.

I realise that this may sound like I'm taking his side in this situation, or giving him a free pass, but believe me, I am not. I think the thing to remember is that we can't control what another person does, so it's about thinking about what you can do to make this difficult situation a little bit easier for you.

Wishing you all the best.

God I hate to generalise but I'm going to anyway, it's always fucking men who think they can just dip on life to go and "find themselves" because they know full well the poor woman they've left behind will pick up the pieces.

I'd bet my left tit if you pissed off to your mam's and left him with kids and house to look after with zero communication about when you're coming back he'd blow a gasket!

I'd be telling my husband he either grows a spine and comes back and we sort out whatever is going on as a team, which is what we are supposed to be, or he can get himself to the solicitors because I'll be seeking a divorce.

Ask him!

THIS 1000000%

What a child. I'm sorry, OP. 💐

It's just so absurdly childish. You couldn't do this, could you? Because there's no one else there to be the real grown up and take responsibility. He relies on mummy being there always always. You're the mummy, he's the baby, and you must look after him as well as the (other) children.

Drop the DC off at his DP's house?

He's having an affair OP. So fucking predictable.

Aww diddums he’s a totally selfish prick

Start preparing for him not returning. Get your finances in order. If you have joint accounts for your wages etc, get them moved to an account in your name, grab 50% of all savings etc. Start snooping on his finances, pension values etc.

He's a bloody waste of space running home to Mummy to get pampered.

I disagree with the suggestion that he is cheating. If he is starting therapy shortly, then I believe that he really is doing what he says he is doing and taking some time out to sort himself out.

Nope. They all say this. You see it time and time and time again on here. And in real life. He's not having therapy.

It's a line they roll out to play the victim / get sympathy and to distract from what's actually going on. They know if they say they need to "work on themselves" and that they're unhappy that there is nothing their wife / partner can say really because they're putting it completely on themselves.

In the meantime he can carry on with the OW and then weeks / months down the line, he will miraculously be feeling better. Around about the same time he will tell you he has met someone new.

Then he comes out of it completely scot free.

Message and say I need you to have the children on Friday night for a couple of hours - will you please have them in their own house or shall I bring them to your parents? Then once he has the children, go and stay somewhere for the weekend. Text him and explain you’ll be back on Monday for the school collection.

Omg girl rise up

Drop the kids at his parents and insist that they take them every weekend as you are a firm supporter of mens rights to see their children

Come on!

I saw it defined very well once: the difference between motherhood and fatherhood is demonstrated perfectly by the fact that a mother could 100% never have a secret second family in the way that some men do.

This is amazing and so true.

OP, I’m really sorry this is happening to you. With regards to your child with ASD and sleeping - have you considered melatonin? I was really wary at first about giving my DC medication, but it’s something that our bodies should naturally make and ppl with ASD often don’t. We’ve just started and it’s transformed our lives. Maybe do some research around it if you haven’t already?

Good luck, I know how hard it is in a similar situation with two parents, I can’t imagine what it must be like coping solo. Hope you’re ok and wishing you all the best and hopefully loads of support from your friends and loved ones 🩷

Time to get your ducks in order. Lawyer consult as to what to expect in a divorce and when you can file for child support, get copies of all financials and @OSTMusTisNT had some good financial advice. Prepare to operate as a single parent. Call in any support you have for help, family and friends.

Your husband doesn't care about disrupting your child's routine. Get extra childcare in place. If funds permit, a cleaner. Meal prep, use paper plates, make things as easy on yourself as possible.

Try to get a little break for yourself if possible.