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Original poster

Should I set up my colleague

77 replies

81Claire81 · 12/11/2025 21:36

Hi everyone, I’d really appreciate a bit of advice. I’m 44 and have been seeing a guy in his 30s casually for a while. He’s brilliant in bed and, more importantly, he’s a genuinely good person.

The thing is, we’re in completely different places in our lives. He’s keen to settle down and start a family, which just isn’t going to happen for me now. I do care about him a lot, and honestly, I don’t think I’d be jealous if he went out with someone else.

My concern is more about him making a choice that’s not right for his future.There’s a woman at work who might be a great match for him. She’s got the same sense of humour and has actually told me several times about her bad luck finding a decent man.

I’m not especially close with her, but my colleague is and really rates her. I’m a bit more senior as well, so I do feel slightly awkward about getting involved in her personal life.I’m not trying to arrange anything casual between them, just wondering if I should suggest they go on a date.

Has anyone else ever found themselves in this position? Did it work out, or was it best to leave well alone? Would love to hear your thoughts.

OP posts:
Friendlygingercat · 13/11/2025 17:17

Best to stay out of office politics and office romances. You never know when they will turn around and bite you in the bum. You can be a good colleague by being professional and friendly but not too friendly.

ITIgnoramus · 13/11/2025 18:06

Friendlygingercat · 13/11/2025 17:17

Best to stay out of office politics and office romances. You never know when they will turn around and bite you in the bum. You can be a good colleague by being professional and friendly but not too friendly.

But she's having an office romance! And is asking if she should pass him onto a colleague because she can't offer him what he wants.

SlimeBag · 13/11/2025 21:38

Maybe it's your way of mainting the FWB side of it if you manage to get him palmed off with someone you know.

I honestly don't know your motives.

Goditsmemargaret · 13/11/2025 22:08

It's weird.

RichPetuniaAgain · 13/11/2025 22:12

Set them up. I know someone who was set up by a work colleague and the relationship has been a success. They are moving in together soon, are very happy, so go for it! As far as I can see, there’s nothing to lose.

Prelim · 13/11/2025 22:16

Sounds very controlling.

Bungle2168 · 13/11/2025 22:26

OP, you are poking your nose into places it does not belong. If you think your relationship with this chap has run its course, just end it. Amicably, if possible.

As for the private lives of your colleagues / subordinates, that is something you do not need to be concerned about. Take a big step back and re-evaluate your role in life.

Arlanymor · 13/11/2025 22:32

No, no, no, no, no. This is wrong on so many levels.

It's inappropriate to be matchmaking in the workplace - if people naturally gravitate towards one another, that's one thing - but orchestrating something when you've been involved with him is really quite revolting, sorry but it is.

"I just worry about him getting with someone that isn't suitable. Like I could accept it better if she was a good person." Erm, that's not for you to decide.

Come on OP, surely you can see this is not something you should be doing?

ITIgnoramus · 13/11/2025 22:40

"I just worry about him getting with someone that isn't suitable. Like I could accept it better if she was a good person."

My guess is you're more emotionally involved than you want to admit to yourself and it's not just about great sex.

Part of the reason you want to match make is to keep some control over him but also to make yourself feel better for ending it. You went into this with the expectations it was just sex. Now it's not but you have no future together unless of course he agrees never to have a family.

Original poster
81Claire81 · 14/11/2025 06:43

SlimeBag · 13/11/2025 21:38

Maybe it's your way of mainting the FWB side of it if you manage to get him palmed off with someone you know.

I honestly don't know your motives.

@SlimeBag As I've got to know him he is a good person and there is some attachment. Naturally I don't want him to choose the wrong partner, I would feel the same about any friend. And like with any friend I can be supportive and make suggestions of what I think is the best way forwards, but ultimately it's down to them.

OP posts:
Original poster
81Claire81 · 14/11/2025 06:45

ITIgnoramus · 13/11/2025 22:40

"I just worry about him getting with someone that isn't suitable. Like I could accept it better if she was a good person."

My guess is you're more emotionally involved than you want to admit to yourself and it's not just about great sex.

Part of the reason you want to match make is to keep some control over him but also to make yourself feel better for ending it. You went into this with the expectations it was just sex. Now it's not but you have no future together unless of course he agrees never to have a family.

Edited

There's definitely an emotional involvement. There's also been a fear of it ending as well when he inevitably finds someone else.

OP posts:
Original poster
81Claire81 · 14/11/2025 06:46

RichPetuniaAgain · 13/11/2025 22:12

Set them up. I know someone who was set up by a work colleague and the relationship has been a success. They are moving in together soon, are very happy, so go for it! As far as I can see, there’s nothing to lose.

Great to hear a success story, that's fantastic

OP posts:
daisychain01 · 14/11/2025 07:03

81Claire81 · 12/11/2025 21:59

I just worry about him getting with someone that isn't suitable. Like I could accept it better if she was a good person.

Show quote history

What business is it of yours who he gets together with.

if you don't want to be with him, tell him you're calling time on the relationship, let him go - after that he's a grown adult to make his own choices.

I can't believe the way some people occupy their thoughts with concerns that are genuinely pointless and nothing to do with them.

ETA it all sounds so controlling....

LilySad91 · 14/11/2025 07:10

Sounds a bit like her boss wants her to service her boyfriend

WeepingAngelInTheTardis · 14/11/2025 07:13

No, its inappropriate in the workplace. Almost sexual harrassment rocking up to this lady and telling her hes great in bed. Confused
Just leave him to it and let him decide who he wants to be with next.

Original poster
81Claire81 · 14/11/2025 07:20

WeepingAngelInTheTardis · 14/11/2025 07:13

No, its inappropriate in the workplace. Almost sexual harrassment rocking up to this lady and telling her hes great in bed. Confused
Just leave him to it and let him decide who he wants to be with next.

I absolutely wouldn't mention that

OP posts:
WeepingAngelInTheTardis · 14/11/2025 07:25

81Claire81 · 14/11/2025 07:20

I absolutely wouldn't mention that

Show quote history

It’s still wildly inappropriate to set them up op. He may not appericate it either!

Original poster
81Claire81 · 14/11/2025 07:28

daisychain01 · 14/11/2025 07:03

What business is it of yours who he gets together with.

if you don't want to be with him, tell him you're calling time on the relationship, let him go - after that he's a grown adult to make his own choices.

I can't believe the way some people occupy their thoughts with concerns that are genuinely pointless and nothing to do with them.

ETA it all sounds so controlling....

Edited
Show quote history

It's so hard to break if off while we're both single. If he gets with someone else then it's done.

OP posts:
Gazelda · 14/11/2025 07:36

I’m uncomfortable with the thought that two of my colleagues are talking about me in this way. Your colleague has presumably shared that the woman you’re thinking of setting up is single. And that she’s nice.

the other thing that makes me feel this wouldn’t be a good idea is that you obviously care for the man. Almost too much. What if you set them up, he falls hard and then the woman breaks his heart. How would you feel? Would you be able to be 100% professional with her at work?

if she were your friend, I think it might be OK. But a colleague who you don’t know very well, it seems quite odd. And you’re not just setting up two people you know. You’re emotionally connected to one of them and have a sexual past. Quite odd.

berlinbaby2025 · 14/11/2025 07:38

Creepy and controlling. Because you’ve had some great shags, you want your colleague to have the same? Focus on your own life.

Can you not see that this could potentially open up a can of worms at your workplace?

ITIgnoramus · 14/11/2025 07:38

81Claire81 · 14/11/2025 06:45

There's definitely an emotional involvement. There's also been a fear of it ending as well when he inevitably finds someone else.

Show quote history

There's definitely an emotional involvement. There's also been a fear of it ending as well when he inevitably finds someone else.

@81Claire81 Ah- so we've got to the heart of it at last!

What I'm picking up is this was a ' FWB bit if fun' - lovely younger guy, he's boosted your confidence (after a break up or being single for a while?).

But you've fallen for him in a way you didn't expect. But long term it's not going to work because he's said he wants a family (not clear if you have kids of your own already?)

I think you'd have had kinder replies if you'd said that from the start rather than focusing on match-making.

Maybe you could start a new thread and say you've fallen for your (younger) FWB and are upset it has to end, especially when you work together.

The advice there would be you have to let him go and the longer you carry on seeing him the worse it may be when he ends it so he can meet someone else.

Hard as it may be, ending it yourself (ripping off the plaster) may be better for you in the long run. The alternative is he will tell you one day that he wants 'out' or that he's already seeing someone else.

Pushing him towards someone else of your choice is not the answer for all kinds of reasons. It does come over as you wanting to maintain an emotional attachment and keep him on your radar (because both he and the prospective match are your colleagues.)

I'm sorry you've got in too deeply. IF he was head over heels and happy not to have children of his own, that would work but what you're saying is he doesn't.

Give yourself time to grieve and move on.

AudHvamm · 14/11/2025 13:57

81Claire81 · 14/11/2025 07:28

It's so hard to break if off while we're both single. If he gets with someone else then it's done.

Show quote history

It does sound like you are seeing setting him up with someone else as a way to end the relationship in a way you feel in control of - this must be a really difficult situation for you and I expect the longer it goes on the harder it feels. But your other colleague is not there to be drawn into service for you or to make the situation less distressing. I think as hard as it is, the only right thing is to end things with the FWB and let yourself feel all the frustration of right person, wrong time.

Original poster
81Claire81 · 14/11/2025 17:15

AudHvamm · 14/11/2025 13:57

It does sound like you are seeing setting him up with someone else as a way to end the relationship in a way you feel in control of - this must be a really difficult situation for you and I expect the longer it goes on the harder it feels. But your other colleague is not there to be drawn into service for you or to make the situation less distressing. I think as hard as it is, the only right thing is to end things with the FWB and let yourself feel all the frustration of right person, wrong time.

Show quote history

@AudHvamm yeah I think you've probably hit the nail on the head the more I reflect. Going to be so hard to end it. I think I'd rather end it though than find out he's seeing someone else.

OP posts:
AudHvamm · 14/11/2025 20:24

I'm sorry you're going through this, it's a shit situation, and choosing to do a hard thing knowing you'll feel pain is a shit choice to make. But it's a choice you can make for yourself unlike choosing who he moves on with.

Rainbowshine · 14/11/2025 20:47

I would think that you are really unprofessional if you do this. There are codes of conduct and policies about this in most workplaces, and some people prefer not to blur private personal matters with professional.

And he’s allowed to do what he wants after you go your separate ways. I’m confused about why you’re so invested in who he sees next.

Overall I would advise you to think about boundaries and that you are not an author dictating what your characters do, these are real people with agency to make decisions for themselves whether you consider them good or bad decisions is irrelevant

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