Should I set up my colleague

[81Claire81]

Hi everyone, I’d really appreciate a bit of advice. I’m 44 and have been seeing a guy in his 30s casually for a while. He’s brilliant in bed and, more importantly, he’s a genuinely good person.

The thing is, we’re in completely different places in our lives. He’s keen to settle down and start a family, which just isn’t going to happen for me now. I do care about him a lot, and honestly, I don’t think I’d be jealous if he went out with someone else.

My concern is more about him making a choice that’s not right for his future.There’s a woman at work who might be a great match for him. She’s got the same sense of humour and has actually told me several times about her bad luck finding a decent man.

I’m not especially close with her, but my colleague is and really rates her. I’m a bit more senior as well, so I do feel slightly awkward about getting involved in her personal life.I’m not trying to arrange anything casual between them, just wondering if I should suggest they go on a date.

Has anyone else ever found themselves in this position? Did it work out, or was it best to leave well alone? Would love to hear your thoughts.

Well there’s nothing to prevent you dumping him and then as he’s sobbing into his coffee saying well what about Claire from accounts, she’s really sweet and I know she likes you and see what he says…

"My concern is more about him making a choice that’s not right for his future."

"I just worry about her being similar to who my ex cheated with, that "type."

In the kindest way because I can see that you care about him, this is very weird and quite controlling. He's not your son! Also, have you thought about how your friendship with him might be effected if this nice colleague decides she doesn’t like you being involved in his life because it's all a bit too close for comfort?

I've thought about this and I don't think I would be, I'd be happy for them.

Yeah that's true, I get what you mean. I just think they'd be well suited.
He is my FWB. It was almost all physical but as time got on I got to know him and we've had some very deep chats. He's still in his thirties, wants different things so we both know it wouldn't work

In that case I wouldn't have an issue with stepping back

You appear to not be very good with boundaries. This has the potential to get very messy, very quickly. Just stop!

Just reading your increasing protestations of wanting the best for him is giving the ick.

He helped me lot with my confidence after a difficult time so I'm grateful for that.

Eh? You dont get to police who an ex dates yet.

Break it off with him if you don't see a future. Then let him live his life.

He's not an ex, just an FWB

He's not your responsibility.

Can you see how to outsiders it appears lightly ridiculous that you're trying to control who he dates?

It also suggests you think he has poor judgement - in which case why are you attracted to him?

There may be colleagues who are talking about YOU and wondering why he's wasting his time with a [unsuitable] woman 11 years older who won't have children.

Can you see the irony?

@ITIgnoramus
I'm attracted to him because his very handsome and has a great body. We have a strong physical connection. At first that's all it was but we have some pretty deep conversations about life, his past and where he wants to be in the future. I'm not trying to 'control' who he dates, just making a recommendation of someone that appears to be a nice person and more suited than myself.

My colleagues can say what they want about me, I'm not bothered.

What difference would that make? You still don't get to control who he dates next. Drawing the FWB distinction makes it sound even weirder to talk about "accepting" him being with someone new.

At first that's all it was but we have some pretty deep conversations about life, his past and where he wants to be in the future. I'm not trying to 'control' who he dates, just making a recommendation of someone that appears to be a nice person and more suited than myself.
My colleagues can say what they want about me, I'm not bothered.

You're lying to yourself. Of COURSE you're trying to control who he dates! That's the absolute essence of your post!

The first thing you should do is stop having sex with him unless he's happy to carry on AND date women who are possible long term partners and want children.

My colleagues can say what they want about me, I'm not bothered.
It's not so much about whether you're bothered or not but missing the point. If you're using him for sex and he wants a family, you should back off. You can easily get a hook up if that's what you want.

If he's junior to you in the company and you're having sex with him for your own needs, but know there is no future in it, it looks a bit shabby. Rather than 'match make' you should first detach yourself from this man.

Many of my exes who I've remained friends with (I had several long term relationships before DH) met what I'd call terrible women, married them and in some cases divorced.

It wasn't my role to try to stop them and it's not yours to set him up with Sally in Accounts.

There have been several guys I’ve been on dates with that I’ve not felt a spark with for whatever reason but thought that he’s a really nice bloke and I’d happily “recommend” him to someone else I know who might be a better match.

However the only way this can work is 1) if you have no feelings for him whatsoever and therefore definitely will not have jealousy over him being with the other person 2) the other person isn’t going to get with him, and then feel weird about you

Point 2 is especially important in this situation as you have to work with her. If she’s potentially going to date this bloke and then feel some type of way about being around a woman her partner was with before then it’s going to potentially affect work. So whilst I don’t think there’s anything wrong with it, you need to consider possibly negative effects for yourself moving forward.

I’m not especially close with her, but my colleague is and really rates her. I’m a bit more senior as well,

If he rates her and she's available, what's stopping him asking her out?

Only you, it seems by prolonging your FWB set up.

Once you're out of the picture he may very well pursue her. He doesn't need a map and instructions from you.

At a stretch I could see myself "recommending" a former FWB, who had many great qualities but with whom I wasn't compatible, to a friend - or a friend to him - but only after our FWB situation had ended. Long after. The water would have to be long under the bridge. The bridge would need to be bone dry.

I cann't imagine thinking this would be a good idea if he was not only still my FWB but they were both my junior colleagues!!! That's skating on thin ice and then taking a hammer to it to make it crack faster. You shouldn't be this invested in your junior colleagues' romantic lives even if you weren't currently shagging one of them, which you probably shouldn't be doing anyway.

I'm unsure why you think he isn't fully aware of what his FWB relationship with you entails. He knows he's not going to have a family with you. And yet he is continuing to be your FWB, which indicates that having a family isn't an immediate priority and he's happy with the status quo for now. If he wanted to pursue this other woman with a view to settling down with her, he has the agency to do this. He knows who and where she is, presumably.

You'd likely make both of them very uncomfortable if you tried to set them up. Trying to imagine my senior colleague trying to matchmake me with her current FWB because he's good in bed and shuddered a bit.

Also if a man was shagging a female colleague 10 years younger and then recommended her to a male colleague around her age because she was so good in bed....... I can't even finish that thought.

You sound really wierd and controlling - let the guy move on with his life.

Regardless of the work colleague situation, I would only set people up if you know they’re open to it. It’s so annoying and kind of rude to have it sprung on you.

This is so unhealthy and weird!

Just break up with him and let him get on with his life...
He isn't a child you need to mother.

And the unsuspecting coworker who you want to make some consolation prize while he pines for you as you mill around desirably.the foreground ... wtf???

😵‍💫😵‍💫😵‍💫

You sound like you need therapy.

I wouldn't want my boss's leftovers and I'd think it weird if she tried to set me up with him. Very weird.

I'm surprised at the mild responses so far TBH.

I think who he sees after you is absolutely none of your business and what you're suggesting is really condescending

Slightly.

Is this a feature of FWB people.

How is it being controlling? It's a suggestion. I get it's debatable how good of a suggestion it is. But can't see how it can be perceived as controlling, he is free to do as he wants.

You're trying to push a certain woman on him as his new gf because you don't trust him to choose the kind of woman you want him to choose.

You don't see how wildly controlling that is? Really? You think he can't choose his own partner? It comes off as patronizing too. And all this in the workplace? You're senior to this woman. Think for a minute.

Your issues with your ex are one thing, but you're projecting that onto trying to force something for someone else's future.

The only person you can control is yourself.

It's hard to understand why at 44 you're behaving like this.

Yes, it's controlling.
And it doesn't really warrant all the angst.

Have you ended the FWB set up?

Because if you have, you could say something very light hearted such as 'I'm sorry we are on different paths with life blah blah.....I'm sure you'll find someone who can give you what you want in life. There might even be someone lovely here at work.'

Unless he's a complete idiot he surely knows that there are other women available. And not that hard to find.

He doesn't need you to hold his hand and be guided to them.