Please tell me what you would do 😢

[Harrietparker]

I feel I already know what the responses are going to be but I really need clarity.

For context, we have been together 15 years and have small children. Things have been tough recently and we rarely share a bed due to youngest suffering night terrors. Therefore haven’t had sex often. I’d say 3-4 times a month?
Anyway, he’s been abit distant recently and I thought it was stress related with work. He asked me today to check and go over an email he was sending which I did but I had a look in the sent folder and found messages to prostitutes on 2 seperate occasions asking how much they would charge etc. He didn’t really argue it said it wasn’t him and walked out as he had things to do. I’m a mess right now and don’t know what to do. The worse part is that I live in his house so I feel so trapped 😩 I should add I found the same messages years ago but was stupid enough to stay. I just don’t know what to do I feel so out of control

I'm so sorry. Are you married?

I think you know he's trying to fob you off. Personally I would end a relationship over this. It's also not like you never have sex. Have it out with him and get an STI check. I'm sorry this has happened to you

I assume you’re not married?

As for what to do. Do one thing at a time. Can you call someone now? And tell them? That’s thing number 1.

Can you go somewhere? Your parents?

No we’re not married fortunately. I just feel so vulnerable and stuck as I’m in his house, insured on HIS car. I’m angry at myself for ever letting myself become reliant on a man

Your financial and housing is urgent, can you find somewhere to live? Being unmarried and dependent on a boyfriend for housing is precarious.

Consent cannot be purchased, this vile man is not fit to be around any women at all. Consider getting STD tests.

I have just ordered an STI test I feel so physically sick 😢 x

Also, I have no where to go I really don’t know what to do I just feel so lost

Well done for recognising what’s going on and speaking up. It’s the first step towards making the changes you need.

Can I ask would this be a relationship breaker for you?

Of course, coercing consent out of prostituted women shows he's depraved, he considers womens bodies to be vessels for males to purchase and use.

100%

Well yes, it would absolutely be a deal breaker. You said you found similar emails years ago. It’s not a one off.

Do you have a job?

Yes. Christ have some self respect.

Also the frequency with which you have sex is irrelevant and has no bearing on how faithful someone should be.

This is total a relationship deal breaker and it would have been the first time. Are they the same messages from back then or new ones? Either way I would be walking away and not looking back.

He’s done this before and you stayed, you just need to ask yourself can you go through this again in another few years or months? The answer should be no, you shouldn’t even have to be going through this at all!! Regardless of how often you have sex or not being unfaithful is never ok.

Yes I would be appalled at him and it would be a deal breaker.

And it's not the point but sex 3-4 times a month is good going for parents of little ones.

How much does he earn? How much would you receive in child maintenance and how much universal credit would you receive? How much would it cost to rent a home for you and the children and how much of that rent/council tax would be paid by benefits?

You obviously can't stay with this vile man

You need to leave but first of all work out the figures ^

Go and see Citizens advice. They'll help you

I was thinking that...... 3 - 4 times a month is bloody brilliant when you have tinies. Fgs don't let the man touch you again

You need to leave - he may have put you at risk and he doesn't care enough to discuss, apologise or reassure you. Get help and get out. Men who pay for sex are abusers because, as stated above, consent cannot be purchased. They don't tend to have a very high opinion of women.

I mean if this isnt, i dont know what would be.

Everyone goes through spells of not having much sex (although I know some people who be delighted to have as much as 3-4 times a month) but to run off to prostitutes is awful.

This will be controversial but I would give him an ultimatum, marry you or you’ll leave with the kids.
Not everyone gets a happily ever after so if possible protect yourself and the children.

I’m sobbing reading your messages. This year has been very hard and I’ve lost someone so tragic and close to me. I’ve piled on weight, don’t put effort into myself anymore and I’m so angry at myself for ever letting myself become so vulnerable and reliant on a man. Yes I work, part time. First time in years I’ve looked at housing today and I can’t believe the prices. I physically don’t know how I’m going to do this. He’s refusing to leave.. if I had the money I’d pay for me and my children to go to a hotel I don’t want to be in the same house as him I’m so embarrassed and disgusted 😓

I wouldn’t marry him if he payed me. Pardon the pun..
He dosent deserve me and I’m starting to realise that

If he owns the property you can't ask him to leave.
Contact the agencies someone posted upthread to see if you can get any benefits, and calculate child maintenance depending on how much the scumbag will parent his kids.
You'll need to work full time, get your pension paid into, and find a home.

You can use a parenting app to communicate with the prostitute user, so no need to allow him to text, call or email you.

He’s refusing to leave his own house? Well, yes!