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Original poster

What do you think i should do regarding best friend? (long sorry)

51 replies

iliketosleep · 07/06/2008 17:53

This could possibly be me being unreasonable, if it is please do tell me!!

We have been good friends for around 12 years.

She is a single woman who lives in a shared rented house, she also lives for work and drinking which is fair enough!

I am a full time mum and 'housewife' I have 3 dc with number 4 on the way, I live with dp and have done for 8 years. So obviously my days are filled with housework, looking after dc etc etc normal mum stuff but we all know it takes up nearly every hour of the day!

Well my problem is, friend will randomly ring up "I dont have to be in work for a couple of hours can i pop round for a cup of tea?"

Being me I say "yes ok"......"ok be there in 10 minutes put the kettle on"

So i drop everything im doing, she turns up I make a drink, then she sits watching tele

I try to make conversation but it just seems like im interogating her as i get short replies and we fall into silence again.

She stays for about an hour and a half to 2 hours then grabs her bag and says right im going. By which time it is time for me to pick dc up start tea etc and what i was doing is left to go ontop of tomorrows chores or has to be done later on that night.

This happened a few days ago, she rang and was here by 1:30pm, I made the drink and sat down next to dp. He said something to her but she blanked him and carried on watching tele, then she asked me something about the baby but when i answered she was engrossed in the tele again. I said (half jokingly, but not joking in my head) "why do i bother talking to her". Dp is sitting looking like she turns and said "yeah yeah i heard you you said such and such" then turned back to the tele

at about 2:45, feeling totally pissed off as my afternoon was gone and i was trying to get clothes sorted and washed for holiday in less than 2 weeks, I said to dp " come on then we had better go and pick up dc from school" and started putting my shoes on. She got up and said "oh, suppose i will be off then".

I havent heard from her since.

It also annoys me that i never get invited round to her house for a cup of tea, its always can i come there.

The last thing is, she needs to have an operation towards the begining of august and i think was hinting at the fact that she would like me to be her taxi driver for the 4 weeks she wont be able to do anything, I will be 9 months pg/ have a newborn baby......

Am i just a miserable moaning over reacting bitch??

Sorry I've babbled on and thankyou so much if you read this far

OP posts:
snice · 07/06/2008 17:56

SHe sounds lonely

StealthPolarBear · 07/06/2008 17:56

err no yanbu
Makes you wonder why she does it! Do you think she's lonely?

maidamess · 07/06/2008 17:57

I think you know what the answer is. She is a parasite. You need to start being 'unavailable ' whne she rings.

You need to get your coat on earlier if she does come round (even if you are not really going out)

She is not your child, she is supposed to be a grown woman, and a friend. Get rid, or be honest that you havent got time for her to come round all the time, just to 'sit' is my advice.

You don't need people in your life like that when you have 3 kids and a new baby!

maidamess · 07/06/2008 17:57

Oh dear. I sound very heartless don't I?

StealthPolarBear · 07/06/2008 17:57

Or let her come round but expect her to fit in with your family routine - can she sit in the kitchen, drink tea and chat to you while you're getting on?

snice · 07/06/2008 17:58

Oh and I dont think YABU but I feel a bit sorry for her as she obviously not as happy with her single life as she'd like to make out.

BroccoliSpears · 07/06/2008 17:58

Have you tried turning the television off?

VaginaShmergina · 07/06/2008 18:02

It sounds like you have a very full life as it is without "carrying" this friend.

Does she not do anything to help ?

If I visit my friends or vice versa if one of us is hanging washing out or taking in we help one another, make the cuppa etc etc, empty dishwasher. Its not always like that but as we are all women with children we fully appreciate the demands of daily life.

You have been friends for a long time but it sounds as if you dont have an awful lot in commmon anymore does it ?

Has she something on her mind do you think ?

You must be feeling used and I completely sympathise.

Try chatting to her without having the TV on and DP being there too (if poss) or maybe not even in the home environment, couldyougo out for a drink maybe to explain how you feel and you dont want to lose her friedship ?

ComeOVeneer · 07/06/2008 18:05

Why is this person you friend never mine "best"? Is this all you do together?

lazarou · 07/06/2008 18:16

well, if you haven't heard from her since I'd keep it that way. She'll have to find some other mug to ferry her around. You will have enough on your plate.
Next time she rings and asks if she can come round say no and that you have to go, really, you'll wear yourself out.

Original poster
iliketosleep · 07/06/2008 18:29

Thankyou for your replies, i appreciate them very much

I doubt loneliness is the issue as she does have a lot of friends and has always done this or that with him or her iyswim

If i say I am unavailable then i get questions like how long is it going to take i could come round after that, and as I back down very easily I say "oh it doesnt matter ill do it another time" That one is my fault as i should be stronger.....

The only sitting place in my house is the living room, my kitchen is tiny so no room for table or chairs etc I think if i switched the tele off then it would be sitting in COMPLETE silence for the rest of the visit, at least with the tele on I can have one eye on it or at least listen to it.

She doesnt help do anything while here, If i need to swap wash loads she will sit and watch me fold all the dry clothes, heave the wet ones to the dryer and carry a heavy load upstairs. I do say let me know when you have a day off and we can go out for lunch or something, as I would like to get out the house too!! But it never works like that its always ring up can i come now?!?!

OP posts:
Original poster
iliketosleep · 07/06/2008 18:33

I cant say no

OP posts:
maidamess · 07/06/2008 18:33

I had a friend who kept 'poping' round, and while she wouldn't sit and do nothing, she would talk, and talk and talk and talk...so much so that my precious time from coming home from work to picking up the children was monopolized by her.

So I stopped answering the phone. I responded to her texts when it suited me. I practiced saying 'Oh, this isn't a good time I'm afraid' if she appeared on my doorstep. She has backed off.

I will still see her, and do not wish to cut her out of my life. But the balance was all wrong, and she was draining me and I was dreading seeing her!

Be strong, put yourself and your family first.

lazarou · 07/06/2008 18:33

She isn't really a friend is she? Friends talk to each other and enjoy each others company. She sounds like a weirdo, tell her you won't be free for the next ten years.

Original poster
iliketosleep · 07/06/2008 18:39

i would love it if she came and talked and talked, even about stupid things!!! she works in a pub so there has to be a fair bit of gossip??

The sad part about it is I probably WONT be free for the next 10 years lol

I just dont think she realises how much I do have to do.

OP posts:
VaginaShmergina · 07/06/2008 18:41

Are you the closest friend to her workplace ?

Think you are being used without a doubt.

You need to learn to say no to this person, either that or "bugger off" !

ComeOVeneer · 07/06/2008 18:43

As I asked earlier, is this the sum total of what you do together? If so then that isn't my definition of friendship. If I were you and I was refering to this person as my "best" friend I would have a rethink, be firm with her when she calls and start looking for some real friends!

Original poster
iliketosleep · 07/06/2008 18:45

We are in the same area i am right in the middle of her house and her work.

I am aren't I......Such a fecking pushover

OP posts:
Original poster
iliketosleep · 07/06/2008 18:48

sorry ComeOVeneer i missed your message!

Yeah, its what happens every time, I use best friend as like i say we have been friends for 12 years so its just an automatic thing that comes out. You are probably right that the word friend doesn't belong in there anywhere.........

OP posts:
NotABanana · 07/06/2008 19:28

Looking at it another way. If I was her, I must be either very thick skinned, very lonely or very rude.

Try getting caller display on your phone, let the answer phone pick up, always put your coat on to answer the door. Depending on who it is you have either just got back (for people you want to let in) to just going out (for those you don't want to let in)

My Dh has served up dinner so have to go for now.

milknosugar · 07/06/2008 19:41

do you ever call her and ask if you can go to her? sounds like you dont invite her over to see you either, she calls and asks if she can come round when she is free. when is she supposed to see you? you say you are in the middle of work/home so it seems logical to see you on the way - unless you are more than an hour from each surely she could go home if she wanted. i find it really bizarre that you would expect her to do any of your housework, my friends will make drinks or hold the baby but i would be mortified if they did anything with my washing (or felt they should). and turn the tele off, how rude to keep it on when you have visitors! i find it difficult to concentrate on conversations when it is on, you might find if you switch it off you talk more. sorry, but it sounds to me like she is making all the effort to come to you, i dont really get what the complaint is. i have 4 kids and i manage to get stuff done and see people, you cant be busy with washing every minute of the day!

Original poster
iliketosleep · 07/06/2008 19:48

Very good point, we live 2 minutes away from each other. I dont ring her as i do not know what her work timetable is, although i do text at least once every 3 days to ask how she is but never get a response. I also would never invite myself over to someones house. If they didnt ask i wouldnt go and then would ask if they would like to come to me, with a bit of notice though.

OP posts:
milknosugar · 07/06/2008 19:53

not everyone is the same tho - try calling her and inviting yourself over, she might be really pleased! especially if you suggest getting a bottle of wine on the way (call when the dc are in bed of course). you might find you have much more fun seeing her when you are out of your mummy role. if she says she is working ask her when she isnt and say you will come round then. i think inviting yourself to peoples houses has a lot to do with confidence - if you lack it you are not sure they really want to see you, but if she is still calling you she obviously thinks of you as a friend. i rarely text people back the same day btw, thats the point of texting, you do it when you get round to it!

Original poster
iliketosleep · 07/06/2008 20:23

To be honest though I have always been brought up to believe that inviting yourself to peoples houses is rude and cheeky and it just seems to be something I have carried through to my adult life. I do appreciate what you are saying though. Although I dont think it should take me asking to come to her house to get an invite iyswim.

OP posts:
alice123 · 07/06/2008 21:20

I think the difference is being single and having kids. I never used to thinks people who had kids were busy or understand until I had them.

I don't think you should cut her out of your life but just say you'd love to see her when she calls but need to arrange a time because you're busy at the moment. Say how about next week and arrange a time and place that isn't your house. Then confide in her all the stuff you have to do etc maybe she will invite you over...

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