What do you think i should do regarding best friend? (long sorry)

[iliketosleep]

This could possibly be me being unreasonable, if it is please do tell me!!

We have been good friends for around 12 years.

She is a single woman who lives in a shared rented house, she also lives for work and drinking which is fair enough!

I am a full time mum and 'housewife' I have 3 dc with number 4 on the way, I live with dp and have done for 8 years. So obviously my days are filled with housework, looking after dc etc etc normal mum stuff but we all know it takes up nearly every hour of the day!

Well my problem is, friend will randomly ring up "I dont have to be in work for a couple of hours can i pop round for a cup of tea?"

Being me I say "yes ok"......"ok be there in 10 minutes put the kettle on"

So i drop everything im doing, she turns up I make a drink, then she sits watching tele

I try to make conversation but it just seems like im interogating her as i get short replies and we fall into silence again.

She stays for about an hour and a half to 2 hours then grabs her bag and says right im going. By which time it is time for me to pick dc up start tea etc and what i was doing is left to go ontop of tomorrows chores or has to be done later on that night.

This happened a few days ago, she rang and was here by 1:30pm, I made the drink and sat down next to dp. He said something to her but she blanked him and carried on watching tele, then she asked me something about the baby but when i answered she was engrossed in the tele again. I said (half jokingly, but not joking in my head) "why do i bother talking to her". Dp is sitting looking like she turns and said "yeah yeah i heard you you said such and such" then turned back to the tele

at about 2:45, feeling totally pissed off as my afternoon was gone and i was trying to get clothes sorted and washed for holiday in less than 2 weeks, I said to dp " come on then we had better go and pick up dc from school" and started putting my shoes on. She got up and said "oh, suppose i will be off then".

I havent heard from her since.

It also annoys me that i never get invited round to her house for a cup of tea, its always can i come there.

The last thing is, she needs to have an operation towards the begining of august and i think was hinting at the fact that she would like me to be her taxi driver for the 4 weeks she wont be able to do anything, I will be 9 months pg/ have a newborn baby......

Am i just a miserable moaning over reacting bitch??

Sorry I've babbled on and thankyou so much if you read this far

i can understand why you would be miffed. i was asked a favour by someone i didnt really know, i thought it was quite rude. but i got to know her a bit better and realised she didnt think it was rude because she would be happy to do it for me and wouldnt consider it a big ask. your friend obv doesnt think its rude as she invites herself over to yours. she might think you dont want to go to hers and cant understand why you dont just turn up! i would expect a friend to feel comfortable enough to mention something that was bothering them if i had known them 12 years

I forgot to mention the hamster incident, I asked if she could look after him while we were away, said he will only need food and water as i will clean him just before we go (4 nights)

he sleeps alot so wont need playing with really and isnt a huge burden, she said " im not having it in my house, ive got no room for it"

So i would need to give her a key for her to come and feed the hamster......

things have gone wrong somehow havent they? im trying to be devils advocate and think of it from her point of view - here goes

• my best friend got married had kids and now never wants to see me

• i like going to her house for company but she always seems busy

• she never comes round but she wanted me to look after her hamster

do you two go out in the evenings? have fun? if not, why not? perhaps see if you can do fun things together on her night off - film/drinks etc - if not, then i wonder why you are still staying in contact?

• my best friend got married had kids and now never wants to see me

im not married

• i like going to her house for company but she always seems busy

I never say im busy hence the coming round when she phones and the only company seems to be jeremy kyle lol

• she never comes round but she wanted me to look after her hamster

She is always working, I dont get invited, didnt think it was that big a deal TBH

p.s. I dont drink, Also am 30 weeks pg so the only thing i want to do at night is go to bed

next time she calls say "oh I tell you what, why don't we go for a coffee/lunch/drink? I'll meet you at xxx cafe in 10 minutes instead?" that way you can move the friendship off your couch and into the wider world where you are free from the demands of the housework/television and you can establish whether you do actually still have anything in common over a cup of tea/lunch.

you sound defensive! ok - not dh but you live with your partner so freinds tend to get put to one side then - its natural - but friends dont always like it

you said you were busy - trying to get jobs done when she watched.

she isnt always working - she is sitting on your sofa

its up to you - depends if you want the freindship or not - it takes two - sounds like she does really like you

nah im not defensive

maybe i cant see what you can, sorry if i came across like that

Might she be pissed off you have to do chores while she is over?
Maybe she doesnt have a tv?
Maybe she lacks imagination what to do with her time between getting up and going to work?
Could you just get dressed and say "right, we are off to the park, come lets picnic, the weather is lovely"

What are you actually getting out of this friendship?

I dont do work while she is here, I drop everything to sit with her. On the odd occasion i have done something ie the washing but 99% of the time it waits till she has gone.

I know she also has a tv.

maybe i am just a bad friend, I just needed to vent abit.

I don't think you're a bad friend. Just at a different place in life at the mo. She will have no idea what it is like to have kids, dh etc. to think about. If she's worth it, then get out to lunch or dinner with her. Or the cinema. Don't rule her out.

i had a friend who would pop over, never had an invite back, my time was really precious, i would hide but she knew if my car was there i was in or out walking the dog! it was scarey and annoying. however she talked and talked. it sort of ended when i said I will come to you and when her DH got home he was annoyed i was there!
when i moved house and wanted her to come over, now a drive away, she didnt want to come

is it her coming so much that annoys you or the watching tv.
turn it off, have the radio on or something, talk to her..

ILTS, if you haven't heard from her then I wouldn't bother calling. I'd make myself 'unavailable' and wouldn't return calls. Or open the door if she pops round unannounced. I think she's being selfish by using you and your home as a recreational relaxation centre.

If you value this [ahem] 'friendhip, then I suggest you speak to her openly. If you don't want to rectify things, then let her go and use someone else. It is not unreasonable at all to decline her request to play taxi driver, esp. not in your condition. For the sake of your dc, DH and baby, learn to say no to her. She's on another planet than you and you'll be better off without her.

this is how you lose all your friends as a sahm. refusal to flexible and imaginging that the washing is soooo important that you cant possibly go out to a cafe. and god forbid someone else makes the first move. give it a couple of years and you are totally isolated. (thats not just to the op btw, loads of responses on here giving me this impression)

I can't help feel that she is trying to save a floundering friendship by coming to see you, but in reality its very difficult as you both have different lives and interests now. Unless you can make time when you can do something together, it just isn't going to work. Can you not get your OH to babysit and then go for a nice pub meal perhaps once a month?

On another point I remember my DP brother and sister in law never came to our house, unannounced or otherwise, it was always us making the effort and then getting conversation out of them was like pulling teeth. I remember the last time we popped in to see how they were, he opened the door, didn't say a word and went back to sitting in front of the tv. We closed the door followed him into the lounge and sat down. I found it irritating and rude, so I chose not to say a word either and it wasn't the first time this had happened either so I read the paper and having finished said to my dp who by now was also watching the tv, "right lets get off, lovely to see you X shall we let ourselves out". We never popped in again and actually I haven't been to their house since 2003 waiting to be invited!!!!!!

milknosugar, Yes, us SAHM should make a big effort to stay friends with anyone who will come around ignore us and watch TV, after all how could we find better friends being stuck in the house all day

but if we make no effort we will have no friends either old or new. its the attitude that time is so precious for doing chores that will lose the friends. afaiks this friend does all the running, if the op (or all the other posters!) dont have any suggestions then you cant really expect the visits to be incredibly interesting. which will lead to the visits stopping - and then we can all stay in with our washing because we have no time to go out and do anything nice. if you have time to do the nice stuff then invite the friend out then you are not sitting in watching the tv. but dont expect other people to do all the running and then complain that they are not doing enough when you always have an excuse so you dont do anything different

The OP's visitor is not a friend in any real sense of the word, she drops in on the way home from work and ignores the OP, even if the TV is turned off.

Friendships are relationships which need effort being made from both sides, watching TV at someone's house does not make you friends.

agree effort needs to be made on both sides but the friend is the one making the effort, the op is complaining she doesnt like what she is doing but wont tell her and wont suggest anything else.

friend calls op and suggests coming round at a time convenient to her. do you suggest she comes round when it isnt convenient? i dont understand this argument at all tbh. op has already said friend lives 2 mins away so she isnt looking for somewhere to hang around because she cant get home.

it seems to me the friend doesnt want to lose op, but they have very little in common any more. friend cant magically produce a couple of kids to give them something in common and op isnt willing to do anything other than sit in front of tv (friend doesnt switch it on, its the ops tv!). op should just tell friend she cant be bothered with her any more or make an effort to go out and do something more interesting. you cant use the argument that op wont tell friend she wants to do something other than sit at her house against the friend - if the op wants that she has to say it and not in a 'maybe next week we could.....' kind of way, she needs to suggest it when friend is on the phone asking to come round.

I am starting to think you are the OP's unwanted visitor

YANBU. She doesn't sound like a very good best friend.

I randomly pop over to see SIL (soon to be ex, but best friend at school) and she does the same, but we will always say if we've got stuff to do - and we can still have a chat while the other one does their housework (which is great for me cos she plays with DS so I can do some stuff).

hehe

i am more in the ops situation, i dont like going to other peoples houses with all the kids because they run riot! however i do appreciate it that my single friends make an effort to see me because i dont make the effort to go to them. i just think its a bit pointless complaining on here when you could just say something in rl and sort the problem. and if the friend is offended and doesnt come any more then the problem is still sorted!

Milknosugar, i think you have read into this a bit wrong, you seem to think i spend all day everyday washing lol

what my argument is, is this...

She doesnt ring to say are you free, she rings to say i am free can i come for a drink, if i begin to say im not free she challenges me and i end up backing down. So ANYTHING im doing not just washing is dropped. Ok my fault for not backing down but still.

When she comes round I am making all the effort to talk to her while she sits watching the tele, I could switch the tele off but if dp is here or the kids and they are watching something should i still switch it off?

I would be happy if a) we arranged a meet, even if it is her coming here just give me a little bit of notice and b) if you are going to invite yourself round to my house then at least make the effort to talk to me.

As i say i do make the effort and i text to see how she is etc, I text so she gets the message when she leaves work but never get replied to.

Different point of view, when I go visit my pil the tv is always going and I just can't concentrate on a conversation when the tv is going. Sorry but the tv wins , probably because we don't watch it that often at home.

This is not because I want to appear rude, or am not interested, but I can only focus on one "conversation" at a time.

I personally find it rude that they you have the tv going when you have visitors. To me it sends the signal that what is on the tv is more important than your visitors.

Next time she comes round make sure the t.v is off and tell her the t.v is broke