Need to leave

[Howdidwegethereagain]

Hand hold needed. I am sat on the floor of my childrens bedroom whilst they sleep shaking as dp has lost his mind and been shouting, hitting things and throwing stuff around. He has been increasingly losing his temper more and more. He has never threatened me physically or the kids but the shouting and anger is very intimidating. He's now in bed and I think asleep, but I'm on edge.

I'm not sure what to do but think the best idea is to wait until tomorrow because if I wake the kids now then it will make the situation so much worse. They are very young and so it's not a case of quickly getting them out.

I'm devastated as to what this means for our family now. But I know I can't stay.

My mind is all over the place and heart only just starting to calm down.

Could you call the police now and ask them to remove him?

I just can't work out what to do for the best. Everything is calm now - he was not throwing and hitting things in the same room as me so I don't know if they'd even do anything and it would all probably wake my children up. I'm really worried about the effect of all this on my 4 year old. Luckily they slept through it tonight.

Have you got somewhere safe to go to tomorrow when he’s at work? (Presuming he works).

What sets him off? Has he always been abusive?

Yes. 4yo at school and baby at childcare tomorrow. I'm not going to go to work and instead think I'm going to have to go and tell my family what's been happening. Oh God this nightmare is real isn't it. I feel so so anxious.

Does he drink? Or is this sober anger.

yes tell your family - it sounds like they will help you

No, we've been together 6 years and it has been in the last couple of years that it started and getting progressively worse. There were signs of a temper before but never directed at me.

Anything can set him off. Tonight our 4 year old was a nightmare going to bed and so he was stroppy saying I'm just going to bed. I asked if he wanted me to put food on and he said no. I went up and asked again, he said no. Then it got to half 8 and he just lost it because he's starving and there's no food. It's pathetic. He went to sleep and then woke up again and kicked off just after 10

He's sober

It sounds awful. Is he taking out work stress on you?

Definitely get help from your family and get him out. He either needs to change rapidly and with a recognition of why he needs to change or he needs to leave

I don't think he's going to go easily. I just can't get my head around the logistics of it all. My family live just under an hour away so wouldn't be near my little ones school if we went to stay there. I need him to move out but not sure a reasonable conversation will be possible. Have no idea how to go about this when the kids are always with me (except when I'm at work)

OP, make an exit plan. Here are some links to help you.

https://www.nhs.uk/live-well/getting-help-for-domestic-violence/#:~:text=women%20can%20call%20The%20Freephone,non%2Djudgemental%20information%20and%20support

womensaid.org.uk/information-support/

So sorry, I grew up with this and wonder how it changed me. This is violence ..breaking things, shouting and making you fearful all amount to violence. You are right not to keep this shut away. My 81 year old Mum has told social services for the first time my Dad assaulted her this month as he did for the countless time (embolded by his dementia I think), please don't give your life to this. Make a safe plan, guard your safety and you will reach a happy life 💐each step is a step towards something better.

Thank you. Those links are really helpful. I feel so embarrassed that I'm in this situation and have put up with it for so long. The outbursts were so few and far between to begin with and he's always very retrospective and sorry after.

Thanks @Anyahyacinth it's good to here from your perspective having been a child in this situation. I've got to do this for them.

My son adores his dad and will find this very difficult.

Yeah hitting and flinging things around in the same room as you is abuse. It's designed to intimidate. That's it's purpose. He's not abusive because he's angry, he's angry because he's abusive. And it's not on either way. Good on you for deciding to go. Your little boy shouldn't be raised seeing his mother screamed and bullied. Good luck op. Maybe contact a solicitor asap too.

You are making the right decision. Living with this will keep you walking on eggshells as you never know when he will act like this, and it will cause your children emotional harm. You and your children deserve a safe, calm and loving home. Well done for speaking out.

Does he do lots of gym ie steroids
Not to excuse as the reason doesnt matter
Good luck and you are right to go

No, nothing like that. But a physical job.

Thank you, these posts really help.

DS was 2.5 when we left. The impact on him was huge. Anger/frustration/rage/upset. Some learned behaviour.
He had support from SS, school and DV services from 3-7 years old. Go before it affects your kids more than it already has xx

I’m sorry you are going through this OP, thinking of you. I work in a Public Protection Service and see first hand the consequences for Women and children living with all types of DV, please leave as soon as
you safely can for you and the children. Leaving to move closer to your support network might feel
difficult right now, but will ultimately make it much easier for the three of you moving forward. Take care

This is what worries me I am just starting to see signs of copied behaviour and that's giving me the push I need.

He has woken up still very angry and is stomping around. My heart rate is up. Just need him out the door at 7 and I can get on with what I need to do. 4 year old still asleep, just relieved he is not experiencing this feeling too right now.

I've had four hours sleep and no dinner last night. Banging headache! I need the strength to get through today

Do you rent or own? Married?

Once he’s gone you can sort all that out. You just stay safe with the kids until then.

After that, pack everything precious and important- assume he will destroy anything you leave behind. Get it somewhere today, maybe your parents’. Once that’s done, at pick up I would go and explain to the teacher what has happened. At four your DS doesn’t legally have to be in school so you can keep him out for a few days, until you work out the details. Stay away at your parents for now- tell DA it’s a little holiday.

Please also find the time to report to police. If anything else happens then you have that evidence on file (also for Clare’s law).

One step at a time. Safety first.

Legal advice here: www.rightsofwomen.org.uk

And info in this book: Why Does He Do That by Lundy Bancroft.

You are super strong, mama. Well done 👏

Incidentally, when similar happened to me the police removed him and barred him from the property for two days so I could move out. I imagine that won’t happen at this point but reporting to the police should give you something to use if he does refuse to leave.