Need to leave

[Howdidwegethereagain]

Hand hold needed. I am sat on the floor of my childrens bedroom whilst they sleep shaking as dp has lost his mind and been shouting, hitting things and throwing stuff around. He has been increasingly losing his temper more and more. He has never threatened me physically or the kids but the shouting and anger is very intimidating. He's now in bed and I think asleep, but I'm on edge.

I'm not sure what to do but think the best idea is to wait until tomorrow because if I wake the kids now then it will make the situation so much worse. They are very young and so it's not a case of quickly getting them out.

I'm devastated as to what this means for our family now. But I know I can't stay.

My mind is all over the place and heart only just starting to calm down.

We own, not married.

Thank you @AlertCat I need clear instructions at the moment

He's gone. But he was shouting and hitting the walls as he went. Actually it's good because it gives me the ammunition to do what needs to be done.

OP

I'm so sorry

This was me 8 years ago

Firstly posting on here saved my life

I was so lost and confised

Don't let him trick you
You must end it asap

Get into women's aid they can advise further
You can do this

Do not subject yourself and young kids to this

How fcking dare he 💔💔💔💔💔

As you both own, he has the right to ho back in the property at any time. In your circumstances, I would look to leave today to a relative or airbnb until the weekend at least

You've got this OP. Thinking of you. It will be difficult for a while while you sort through it all to disentangle your lives but waiting for you on the other side is a much happier life for you and your children. Just be careful not allow yourself to be dragged back in by him when he is 'sorry' and remorseful. He has shown you the real him and you and your children deserve better.

Sending strenght and a hug.🍀🧡
if possible eat something and drink.

Thinking of you OP, eat, drink and take pain relief for your headache, you need strength and a clear head for today. You have had great support and advice on here and l hope whilst he's at work you can take steps to put safety measures in place. lt sounds like his moods and temper have been escalating for a while so please protect yourself and your children. If possible take your family to a safe place today as if you own jointly he can still return to the family home.

I feel identified by everything you have described. Many details in common. My recent revelation: "he is not going to protect me or the children from his anger". Even if you feel you can brush over what happened last night, even if you don't leave immediately because it would mean dealing with the sh*t show of changing the children's schools. It will continue to be true that he will not protect you or your children from his anger. So you need to be the one to protect you and your children. That doesn't mean keeping the peace and brushing over things. Unfortunately it might not mean packing up all your stuff and leaving immediately. It means we need to do something though....

Please try to keep your head cool. Don't compromise on your values. Don't scream and shout even though he is putting you in a position to feel like doing so. He will weaponise it against you. You are not the shouter and screamer. It's him.

More experienced people than myself can offer you better practical advice but you need to leave.

Eat, hydrate and take pain relief then get planning.
Take photographs of any damage the arsehole has caused, pack up as much as you can .... As a pp said the arsehole will damage anything you leave behind.
Speak to your family to see if you can stay there and they can help you pack. Speak to women's aide etc.

If you find yourself doubting what to do then imagine a friend has just told you this story, what would you tell her to do.

You and your children deserve to be safe and happy, the arsehole deserves to rot. Good luck. Don't think you need to update all the time but occasionally to let us know you are safe would be good.

Getting support is a very good idea and if you can't stay with them, pack a bag with just the stuff you need when he's asleep tonight and go to a domestic violence refuge with your 4 year old. You can't be living in fear like that

If you’re going to your parents and possibly not returning straight away, take all your important documents with you. Sending care, you’re doing the right thing for you and your babies.

Speak to women’s aid OP. There are also solicitors who specialise in domestic abuse who would be able to apply for an order to get him out of the house and stop him contacting you for a period of time. There is legal aid available if eligible for these cases.

Now is the time to go before this becomes your normal.

It is truly shocking he has carried on with his violence this morning.

If there is any damage, take photos to remind you in case you start to forget or minimise his disgusting abusive behaviour.

Good luck, be brave, you will be ok.

Thank you all. You are keeping me on track. Back at home now just sorting stuff out. I have asked him to leave for a few days before we talk about what happens next. He is asking for forgiveness.

Yes

This is the riskiest time for you now !!!!!

Please be so careful

He will be even more angry

That's how they operate

Please don't think he will change OP. You will be back here is a worse position in the future and exposed your DC to more of this abuse. Don't allow him to minimise it either, he is abusive. I hope you can find safety aware from him, take care.

Just so you know, Many women are in denial and don't take it seriously enough.. Until they are faced with no other choice. Abusive men will make you take it seriously eventually just to warn you, even if you don't want to

Do call into a domestic violence service too. Even if it's just for a chat. Mind yourself

Forgiveness doesn’t have to mean staying with him. I would really go ahead and stay elsewhere with your children, to give yourself the time you need to get legal advice and the space you need to get your head straight.

The Lundy Bancroft book is written by a man with decades of experience running groups to try and steer domestic abusers away from violence, and its message is that these men don’t lose control. They choose the abusive behaviour because they can, because it benefits them. Your partner won’t kick off like that at work even if he doesn’t like the way someone looks at him. He’ll save it for his family, so that he gets to control everything and everyone- from mood to food to activities. They don’t change. Don’t be sucked in by his apologies and promises.

I wouldn't engage with him further, honestly. Don't engage in talks yet. Get some good advice from a domestic abuse service.

I echo all the wonderful advice on here

Thinking of you OP

Many of us have been in your shoes

You are braver than you realise !!!!!!!

Not sure what you have put in place already, but the National Centre for Domestic Violence may be able to help.
www.ncdv.org.uk

The pattern here is that he keeps saying sorry and then it gets worse, isn't it?

If he's genuinely sorry then he needs to go to relationship and anger management courses and then fi d someone else. The pattern is set with you and it would be too easy to slip back into the old ways.

You are doing the right thing, most of all for your children.

Btw after all this time, Ive become wary of the description "my child adores his father". It too often covers up for "desperate for his attention and approval because his father provides neither very securely, or at all". A healthier attachment is often calmer.

My child adores his father is code for me usually to think, they play video games together for hours on end