"If you try and use the stuff you found on the computer as part of the unreasonable behaviour, I'll go for full custody of the DS's"...........

[FAQ]

so says H on the phone today......

Basically if I agree not to use him looking up local escorts, joining dating websites (and contact people on them), and him coming into the house when i wasn't here and taking the base unit (which still had all my personal stuff on it) then he won't contest what I put down as his unreasonable behaviour. And won't fight for custody of the DS's, or try to get the house and our things "split" more in his favour than mine.

Oh and not to mention he'd rather risk me having my IS cut than be chased by the CSA as "if they chase me for money I don't have then I'll have sell the house, so you'll have to find alternative accomdation with the DS's.

Oh and he's still not budging on giving me the base unit back so I can download my stuff. He'll "download all the folders with my name on" and give me the disc next week - it's then up to me to trawl through 6/7yrs worth of stuff of mine on the discs and check if anything is missing - like I will actually be able to remember every last file on there........

Apparently him coming into the house and taking it was "understandable" given the way I'd spoken to him on Sunday (when I'd just found the documents/favourites) and the "100's of questions" I'd thrown at him and swearing........

Can I use the c word?

you can use what ever word you want (as long as it's not about me

Make copies of everything.

Don't agree to anything and werite down everything he says to you and dates for use later.

Can you write off the base unit and get your own? (no idea what a base unit is)

He sounds lovely.

for you and

He is a big, fat, useless, cunt-whacking, mother-fucking cock wart.

well the house is in his name.......so therefore "he" would be selling it

I really don't give a shit (now) what he has to hide, I just want my personal stuff back that's on there and to get the papers through ASAP.........

If you were married, it makes no difference whose name it is in, you can register a charge against the property in your name and the DCs and he can't sell it without your name being all over the deeds. Joint property has to be split 50/50, and whether you paid for it or not, you looking after the children meant he could go to work. You earned that house too.

Do you have a solicitor - if not get one quickly. If you do have one, you need to talk to them about registering your interest in the property to protect yourself.

NAB - the base unit is the bit that your hard drive is on (where you switch it on, put your CD-roms in etc). I was about to start downloading my stuff off the computer (as I have a lovely new one) when I found the above mentioned stuff.

All my files, photos (and videos including the only video I have of my dear Granddad - who passed away just before Christmas last year with DS3 - only time he ever met him) , emails, address book, everything - 6 years worth of stuff that I'd got on there. I can't just write it off......

Please tell me that you have a solicitor!
If he's being such a complete arsehole, then I wouldn't trust him not to do all that stuff anyway, no matter what you do.

Georgie, I'm seeing a solicitor (and CAB) next week. I've been paying for all of the bills (apart from Mortgage and council tax) for at least the last 3 1/2yrs) . And since he moved out I've been giving him £400 a month towards the mortgage (as I'm not having to rent anywhere privately - which would cost me a hell of a lot more round here).

must pop into town now - I've promised DS2 he can have the PC Version of Junior Monopoly - and if we don't go and get it today I'll never hear the last of it.

Shall check back later

BTW SY - love those names

Happy shopping.

Family law is not my thing but I think your solicitor will tell you he has to provide a home for your children until they are 18. Not necessarily the family home, but it has to be suitable. The usual if a splitting couple is going to sell the family home is to split any profit 50/50, and H will then pay mortgage or rent on wife's new home until youngest child is 18. Even my git of a father did that much.

Remember that this is the classic pattern of the abusive arsehole men: 'If you don't shut up, obey me and let me have everything my own way I will take you to court and take the DC away and make you homeless etc etc etc@
HE CAN'T DO THIS. He has legal obligations to his children and you have legal rights. Tell your solicitor what he is threatening and that he has trespassed and stolen your property.

change your locks asap faq

I forgot to add "cock-sucker" into my diatribe.

Tbh, if what you already have on the divorce petition is sufficient to get your divorce granted on the grounds of unreasonable behaviour then there's no point adding more - you might as well go for the minimum that's needed and keep things relatively civil.

Why are men always threatening to fight for full custody? Unless they are the primary carer or the mum is woefully unfit then they are never going to get it and it's just going to cost them money and heartbreak. I'm amazed by how many exps on here threaten to "take the kids" and how many women stay with their partners because they believe them

And yes, he has to provide a home for you and the DCs. It might not be the one that you're in now, depending on equity and stuff, but he can't just leave you homeless.

Speak to your lawyer and good luck

frans - I changed the locks on Wednesday morning

MAdamez - I know that it's the classic pattern, but he's got the computer at the moment, with all the emails I sent/recieved when I was really really bad the other month, drinking, suicidal, etc etc, not to mention he's threatened to use my gambling addiction (stopped several years ago) and the fact that in the past (up until around Sept '06) in our very worst arguments I sometimes used to lash out at him and slap him/thump him.

I've never "hidden" any of that stuff from people that are close to me, and I@m scared he's going to try and use it all against me (despite the fact that none of it now applies).

I haven't actually got as far as the divorce petition yet - was quite happy to take our time over it until the events of the last 6 days......

Right must go - even DS3 (12 months!) is now trying to bite my bum and whack me over with the computer chair !

Now I know what it is, of course you cna't write it off. I think you need professional advice as it seems like he is the type to damage/erase them to spite you.

good on you for changing locks xxx

i am having to keep diary of contact, maybe you could to? (if not already).maybe you could tell the sol as last poster says and tell them everything, that way if you do have to go to court, nothing will be a shock for them.(((((((((((((((((faq)))))))))))))))

make sure you have the marriage certificate and YOU need to divorce HIM. Puts you in control. Everyone said that to em a few months agao and I didn't understand why - now I do. My exh has been trying to bully me and now I'm at the stage where I just ignore him and listen to my solicitior. Some of the solicitor's advice in the early days didn't make sense as I was too emotionally involved - now I see exactly where he was coming from. Your ex has a legal responsibilty to his children and any court will put the children first. get the last 12 months copies of bank statements etc then you cna prove you financial input etc etc. You'll probably need those anyway as I've just had to fill out a financial statement form. Don't let his threats about going for custody etc get to you - my ex tried that but my solicitor sais they all try it and it's just another bulying tactic. You take care. xx

Oops, sorry - should have occurred to me you hadn't got that far if you haven't seen a solicitor yet

Might be worth calling them and letting them know that your situation has escalated and see if you can bring your appointment forward (unless it's Monday morning anyway), and try to avoid engaging with him until then. Otherwise I'm bang out of advice, sorry.