"If you try and use the stuff you found on the computer as part of the unreasonable behaviour, I'll go for full custody of the DS's"...........

[FAQ]

so says H on the phone today......

Basically if I agree not to use him looking up local escorts, joining dating websites (and contact people on them), and him coming into the house when i wasn't here and taking the base unit (which still had all my personal stuff on it) then he won't contest what I put down as his unreasonable behaviour. And won't fight for custody of the DS's, or try to get the house and our things "split" more in his favour than mine.

Oh and not to mention he'd rather risk me having my IS cut than be chased by the CSA as "if they chase me for money I don't have then I'll have sell the house, so you'll have to find alternative accomdation with the DS's.

Oh and he's still not budging on giving me the base unit back so I can download my stuff. He'll "download all the folders with my name on" and give me the disc next week - it's then up to me to trawl through 6/7yrs worth of stuff of mine on the discs and check if anything is missing - like I will actually be able to remember every last file on there........

Apparently him coming into the house and taking it was "understandable" given the way I'd spoken to him on Sunday (when I'd just found the documents/favourites) and the "100's of questions" I'd thrown at him and swearing........

You can call his bluff and put down quite bland examples of unreasonable behaviour.

I did not put down anything to do with the more extreme unsavoury aspects of my exH's behaviour.

Having said that he still did not like to be faced with the various points I did raise.

I also did a diy divorce. Tho did get an ex solicitor to glance over it.

Agree prime example of an abusive arsehole.

thanks for all your comments.

Just had a lovely shopping trip to town, bought DS1's carpet (£33 - an off cut from a cheap roll - and it's only £35 for fitting), bought DS2 a new computer game, picked up the rest of the lingerie which I bought the other week (but they didn't have one of the sets in my size so ordered it in for me), and bought pizza and garlic bread for the DS's dinner.

"Go for full custody" my arse. It's not about what he wants, it's about what's best for your children. Empty threats.

I know PG - but it doesn't make it any easier knowing that it's (mostly?) empty threats.

and obviously he;d get full residency when he has been shown to be an adulterous, lying , deceitful man?

empty threats and part of his controlling behaviour

get legal advice now

well now he's got the computer I can't "prove" any of it........

whereas now he's got it he can probably dreg up stuff on most of the stuff I mentioned in my 15.57 post (apart from me lashing out at him)

faq, was away for a qweek, whats happened in the last 6days?

here Misdee............

Did you have a nice week??

yes, we had a great time

what was on the pc?

cookies for dating websites dating back over 2/3yrs.

In relation to those a locked word document (which I unlocke ) where he'd copied and pasted a message he'd sent to someone on one of the dating websites in 2006.

Divorce websites saved under "IT" in his web favourites from November 2006 (1 month before we first discussed what was happening in our relationship, and just 2 months after I fell pg with DS3 - unplanned of course). Oh and 2 days after he uploaded a couple of pictures of a woman I've never seen in my life, with her 2 children (not his - they were white, blond hair, blue eyes lol). They were well hidden away too............

Escort websites/massage parlour types places (all local - or at least in places he often goes to within his job) from August last year (they were saved under "Muzik" in the favourites...... (both "IT" and "Muzik" are two things he'd have known I'd never browse through if he was foolish enough to leave the computer logged on and I went up to use it......)

Honestly though, you've no idea how many times this threat has been told to me by worried mothers and it is almost always unfounded. Or even if they do go and get legal advice about issuing an application, they are usually pretty sharply disabused of their ideas.

Sorry to say, though, he doesn't "have to provide you a home" - your home (as that of the DCs) is the number one priority but that's not quite the same thing if finances are tight. Sorry if I'm speaking out of turn or jumping the gun in any way. (I usually avoid threads like this as they are a bit of a busman's holiday for me)

PG

I'm not too worried about the home thing (as in where would I live) , don't really want to move out of here any time soon though - I've just started doing home improvements which he talked about doing for 3yrs........)- there are plenty of rental places around here that I could afford especially as I would definitely qualify for HB.....

it's his house, "our" computer - have been advised that technically it's theft - but whether it would actually be I don't know, and he took it on MOnday - that's nearly a week...

and tbh I'm a little worried (given how spiteful he's become) that he could delete/damage some of my stuff and/or become even more nasty or spiteful.........

FAQ - I don't think I've posted on one of your threads before but having been looking in - and btw what you've achieved in the last few months is really inspirational - so hope you don't mind me saying the following:

1. Your h is an absolute TWUNT of the highest order

1. It seems to me it's time for you to play hardball too. Is your solicitor a ball-breaker?

You are in the right here. I'm no lawyer, but he hasn't got a leg to stand on and is it a real threat? Would he really want full custody?

You've got so much support on here and it's all based not on sympathy but common sense and real life experience. Don't be afraid to win this!

(have had a glass of wine btw - can you tell?)

haven't has yet got one squeaver (sorting it out ASAP next week) as it looked like there was going to be time etc for us to work things out in a more amicable fashion.

However, I shall be going to the most recommended one in our town (once my new mans' mum has been to work on Monday and asked around for recommendations for shit hot solicitors round here..........she works for Women's Aid at the local Family Refuge - so has plenty of people that she works with who will know

(poor new man is feeling a bit guilty that it's all his fault this latest saga - as it was him that got the computer for me - if he hadn't given me a new computer then I wouldn't have been downloading the stuff, and I wouldn't have found it......... - told him not to be so daft lol)

Well I think that should be the first question to your solicitor, "are you a ball-breaker?"

Your new man...bless!

don't give in to his 'deals', he doesn't really sound that trustworthy.
poor you, hope it doesn't drag you down too much - it will pass

lol squeaver that has made me at first question to ask solicitor

Unless he's a techie of the highest order, "deleting" stuff will not remove it from the hard drive.

He is something else of the highest order though

Hope you can get the computer back soon, FAQ.

WW - he's pretty techie (he built it from scratch 6/7yrs ago - and has worked in IT for several years.......) and I know he knows about the software you can get to permanently erase stuff.......I just hope he doesn't I couldn't bear to lose all those photos of the DS's, especially not the ones with my Grandad not long before he passed away.....

Oh really? Damn

What if you "agreed" not to use the incriminating stuff, got the PC back and then used it anyway...???

I've already "agreed" (today when he rang) not to use it, and he's still not budging, he refuses to give it back to let me go through my own stuff

By the way, it doesn't matter whose name the house is in - if you're married it belongs to both of you. A colleague, having been burned in his first marriage, made sure on re-marrying that the house was in his name and even got her to sign a pre-nuptual agreement that if they broke up she would not seek any equity from it (romantic eh?). When they divorced it didn't make a blind bit of difference. He had to move out whilst she can live in the house till DCs are 18. If she sells it he'll be entitled to less than half of the equity of "his" house. That's what marriage means - pooling your possessions. There are very few things you can claim are personal to one of you, and the marital home is not one of them.

If you're not married you have a lot fewer rights, but then he can't go taking your things away as if everything belonged to both of you.

You poor thing, what an awful situation. You have my full sympathy and towards your horrible H.

I don't really know anything about divorce, but if I were you I'd get a good solicitor - get recommendations only, as some solicitors can be frankly rubbish.

Good luck, and though it may take a long while, things will get better.