After a TIA

[finallyhappyinlife]

Hi is it normal for someone to change mentally after a TIA . Hubby had one about 3 years ago and lately he’s getting so moody and blows up like a bottle of pop at the slightest thing . It’s like he’s completely paranoid and thinks everyone is having a go at him . Is this synonymous with a TIA ?
im struggling to understand what’s going on . He says it’s me of course and not him . It’s the element of surprise that shocks me one minute he’s fine the next BANG he’s moody . I can’t cope with it much longer

I have my own terminal neurological condition to deal with and I don’t explode at my family. If I was, I would remove myself from them.

The op can’t help him. He doesn’t want help, like all abusers he insists op is the problem. Why do you think the op owes it to him to silently absorb his rages? She’s describing the abuse cycle perfectly.

If you remain rational then I could see you might remove yourself. But if you become irrational then you probably dont get to recognise your irrationality.

I don't say she should just suck it up, rather that she should understand this is likely not personal (though it will feel like it is) and seek some medical help.

But I suspect he's as incapable of controlling his internal rage as a one-legged man not falling over. Would you characterise the constant picking-up requirement as abuse and suggest she leave?

I think you're likely mischaracterising his behaviour as deliberately and wilful. I know my relatives when ill were awful to people they cared about and perfectly reasonable to strangers. It's almost like we have multiple faces we show the world.

How do you imagine he is incapable of controlling his rage when the op has clearly said he only does it to her? She also says it’s recent so not necessarily anything to do with his tia 3 years ago.

It’s not my nature to encourage women to stay in relationships where their mental health is suffering. She’s not a support animal.

See my earlier posts.

I have a relative who was a matron dealing with stroke patients. When I told her about DH’s behaviour she said that it was not uncommon for stroke victims to imagine that their wife was up to no good and therefore to become angry with them alone.

Fortunately, DH got through that stage: at one point he was convinced I was having an affair with a married colleague 25 yrs my junior.

Thanks for everyone’s comments I do appreciate it . I don’t think hubby is purposely out to get at me hence why I asked is this a characteristic of a TIA . Last night we chatted and He says he doesn’t know why he does it . It’s like something comes over him which he can’t control . He’s never been a vindictive man . I never ever mention to him about his TIA possibly being the reason for the outbursts/ anger / mood swings as I don’t want to give him a bigger complex . He says he only realises what he’s done after the event when I’m upset . It’s a very tricky situation

Gosh that must have been awful for you

It was difficult, but knowing why it was happening helped.

I recall that I did finally lose my temper: "Have you seen the state of me? Do you honestly think that a laddie in his 30s is going to be interested in this?!"

That sounds familiar. I recall DH saying "I don't know what's wrong with me."

I'm ND so lack "top down" control, which causes emotional dysregulation and lack of executive control.

So I sort of get it when people have a brain injury. If you google around this, you should get some idea of how to help. Plus he does need to take some responsibility for learning how to cope too. Life is easier if you understand the why, sometimes.

Does he apologise to you afterwards op? If you take him at his word, that it’s entirely out of his control, what is his plan going forward? Does he plan on getting any help with this or is he expecting you to continue silently absorbing it?

He did apologise last night because we never spoke all weekend over it . I spoke to him last night about it and he said I’m sorry but I had to broach the subject first . No way would he go and discuss with anyone he’s not the type to do that . I’ve not mentioned I’m concerned about the after effects of the TIA as I don’t want to make him more paranoid

So that’s like hubby said 😔

No, I wouldn’t accept that at all, that’s not good enough. You said recently, how long has this been going on for, and what was he honestly like before his tia?

You are stuck. He is an adult still and needs a 2nd opinion from a doctor. This can only get worse if you are on eggshells with him

There's a really good podcast by Annalisa Barbieri about difficult conversations with older adults.

He is an adult and he's also probably scared, which is a terrible combination.

Regardless, he does need to go get assessed properly. Literally stop pussy-footing around and tell him you support him, love him but he's got to look after himself too and that does mean going to the GP or a support group or whatever.

If you ignore it, it will get worse and the more talking about is avoided, the more awkward it gets. Honestly, we had this with my Mil and it got to be very, very difficult in the end, as she insisted she was fine and everyone else was the problem (to the social workers who had a referral from the paramedics)

The stress of not dealing with this does become overwhelming. Good luck.

He’s always been hard work but it’s the mood swings from zero to 100 in seconds I can’t cope with . He’s never been paranoid before but he’s always been a “I’m right it’s everyone else that isn’t “ bloke

That’s what concerns me the dare I say that situation

Thank you it is very stressful your right 😔

So he’s always been difficult and it’s gotten worse. There’s only really two explanations.

One is that he’s become severely mentally unwell.Paranoia can be a sign of psychosis.I have a relative who is severely mentally unwell and he often develops paranoia and thinks people are plotting against him and intending to harm him. paranoia is serious and I wouldn’t hesitate in ringing an ambulance.

The other explanation is that he’s always been abusive and like all abusers he’s escalated and is gaslighting you. Gaslighting can look like paranoia. By the time an abuser is acting mentally unwell they’re very well practised.

Paranoia and psychosis would involve others. Emotional abuse would only involve you.

Well I agree with the "horrid" suggestion.
OP shouldn't be his emotional punchbag. If he cannot control his temper, he will have to live alone.

This! DH and I have long experience of this. 6 years now.

It’s not his personality that has changed, it’s the fact that his brain is damaged and of course this will impact on his behaviour.

He says that he sees his outburst as normal behaviour. He doesn’t have dementia, he is a sweet, loving man, but he has had a life changing episode.

We are now going through melt downs and anxiety. I am giving Blessed CBD patches a go, I don’t know if they work but they are not going to hurt him.

It’s hard! We do continue to communicate and I do tell him how I feel, which he acknowledges and he apologises.

Reaching out to MN is a good step, you are not alone. You do have to look after yourself. And encourage him to keep active, if possible and
try to hold onto any amount of aware of his actions he may have. Because total lack of awareness and constant blowing up at you is not sustainable.

Is he depressed. We had a look at that with the GP, DH decided not to go with anti depressants.

Oh, and this is quite important, he was diagnosed with emotional lability. Look it up!

@finallyhappyinlife

Just to add...

After my husband became more like his old self (cognitively) he confessed that he'd actually had more TIAs than the medics had been aware of.

I'd witnessed one before the major stroke came along - but he refused to see a doctor.

He told me some time after the major stroke that he'd been cycling one day and came to in a hedge with a worried passer-by standing over him and then helping him up.

It may well be that your DH has had more than one TIA and the effects are accumulative.

OP

re your comment

"He’s never been paranoid before but he’s always been a “I’m right it’s everyone else that isn’t “ bloke"

That is a red flag in itself. If he can and does control himself around others and this from him is reserved solely for you then it is abuse.

He had a TIA three years ago but it's only recently you've noticed mood changes are you sure he hasn't had another one?