Can I ask for people's lived experience of going no-contact with an in-law if your DH and kids maintain contact please?

[mummabubs]

Hi all, feeling really stuck and looking for other people's experiences to help guide my thinking. All rather outing but I currently feel so low about it all that I don't think I really care.

I really struggle to be around my SiL. She's my age, always been a bit of a tricky character when I look back but I've tried to have a good relationship with her. She was one of my three bridesmaids along with my sisters which I hope demonstrates how I viewed her. Unfortunately there was an incident two years ago where she said some very hurtful and personal things to me, some of which I continue to find unforgettable and unforgivable. (Full disclosure as while I don't want to dredge it all up again for public debate I do think context is important to understand why my reaction is as extreme as it probably looks from the outside - She shared a view publicly about some women being responsible for being sexually assaulted and more broadly that if women don't report the assault immediately they shouldn't be believed... All of which she knows is something I connect with due to experiences in a previous abusive relationship. I told her privately that it had been hard for me to hear her say this, which I now deeply regret as she doubled down and stated that me being assaulted was my own fault. I then said nothing other than I needed space and she responded by continuing to attack me on a wider level via messages, phone calls and a two page letter she sent to me about the "problem with the #metoo movement" and how niave and uneducated I am about it all). As some can probably imagine, to say this was all shocking and upsetting to me is a bit of an understatement. I blame myself for sharing my hurt with her, but I honestly never thought she'd respond like that in a million years or I'd have stayed silent from the off.

I've managed to tolerate being in her presence every two months since this purely for the sake of my husband, our children and my MiL and FiL, but I'm constantly on edge when I'm around her. I cope by drinking which I know doesn't help but in the moment is the only way I can numb everything in my head that I want to say to her and keep a smile on my face. SiL acts as if nothing happened and is all smiles and sunshine infront of me, has been since it happened.

In the weeks leading up to seeing her I notice my mood is lower and I'm very preoccupied by it all. I think part of this used to be anxiety around being around her, but now that seems to have changed to intense anger that she's been able to treat me as she has and yet I'm expected to smile, keep quiet and play happy families for the benefit of everyone else. There's pictures of her kids/ things she's bought for DH all over the house, which mean as hard as I try I'm reminded of her and the impact of her words on a daily basis.

My DH doesn't like the impact this all has on our relationship and feels burnt out with my ongoing negative feelings around his sister, which I understand. Sometimes I don't think he understands just how painful her views on this have been to me, it feels like he expects me to just get over it as if she said my fringe is wonky or something. I explain to him that I feel silenced by it all - his position (which I do reluctantly agree with) is that any attempt to talk to SiL about it won't result in any change in her views and she's likely to just go for me again. He also says that he thinks my feelings don't really belong to SiL, but to my abusive ex. I do see where he's coming from, but again I feel this downplays how she has behaved, as if it's somehow something I should find acceptable. He is now saying he thinks it would be easier for everyone if I just went completely no-contact with her.

If this decision wouldn't affect anyone but me then honestly I'd jump at it and can see how much lighter I'd feel if she just didn't feature in my life. But I know that if I ever did this it would hurt my in-laws (although they also struggle with SiL so I think would understand to some degree, obviously she's their daughter so they just want everyone to get along). My biggest pull is my children, who I know want me there with them. DH's family do a holiday away together every year, which I absolutely dread now. I didn't go to the one that was booked after the initial big fall out as I couldn't face it, and I know my children were both upset that I didn't go. So I feel a pull to play happy families for their sake. But I'm also acknowledging that I am miserable and it's really affecting my mental health having her in my life.

I'm also not sure how this would work practically- speaking. We live 170 miles away from DH's family, so if we went every couple of months as we currently do then I don't know what I would do when SiL and nieces pop over- just make myself scarce for several hours!? I'd never seek to stop my kids or DH having a relationship with her, I think that's for them to decide.

If anyone has a similar experience where they've cut contact but their family remains in touch can I ask how this works in reality and what the pros and cons have been if any? Sorry this has been a bit of a ramble.

Op you have every right to go low contact, regardless of what role they play in your DH life.

But maybe it will give her power over you if you let her impact you so much. She is after all quite emotionally poor, and her self awareness is lacking. There are people out there who just love their own voice, and feel their opinion is the right one, but you hold more power here than you know.

Take control over how you respond to her, stand by yourself by not letting her feel she has this control over your past and present experiences. She has no knowledge of what happened to you, even if you told her, some people just cannot grasp things even if they are told to their face.

Hold your head high, hold your worth up there, and if you can muster it, learn to see her for what she is, not what you need her to be so that things are good. She is a bit of an odd one by the sounds of things, so perhaps see her for what she is. Dont go reminding her of your worth, or overexplain yourself to her, or anyone around her, its pointless and will continue to hurt you if you keep letting her at this pedestal she seems to be on. Leave her where she is at, you own her nothing.

Thank you @TheAvidWriter. Intellectually I agree with every word you say. I can see the power she has over me at the moment and it drives me scatty that I can't just turn my own brain off! I'm sure she doesn't give me two thoughts a week, whereas I think of her every day without fail. 🤦🏻‍♀️ I guess I need to try and adjust my reaction to having a thought about her and to just see it as a thought, rather than an invitation to nosedive into a mental pit of doom.

It sounds like you have tried to make the relationship work but that just hasn’t been possible.

If you travel to visit your PIL once every two months perhaps you could go on alternate visits. That way your kids and DH can see SIL while you get a bit of time to yourself. I don’t know your PIL situation but if they could make some visits to you then that would help with the logistics.

There might be some initial teething problems but overall it sounds like you’re likely to feel calmer and happier without her in your life. She sounds deranged btw.

The problem I think I would have with it, is why when her vile comments were so hurtful and personal to you, did your DH not pick her up on it? I also wouldn’t be comfortable with my children being around a person with such views on sexual assault, she doesn’t sound like a very good role model.
How old are your kids? I think I would want to scale back the visits slowly in your shoes, rather than NC, as NC is probably what she wants - she probably wants you out of the equation. I would drop it to every 3 months at least and when you come back for visits see your MIL/FIL but fill the rest of the time up with other things so there is less time for SIL.
As your children get older they will probably rather spend time with their friends than keep trekking back to see the in-laws.

@LeavesTrees DH did discuss this all with her at the time, he says he was cross with her. I wasn't a part of those conversations and SiL made it clear my views aren't to be voiced in DH's family. So I think from DH's perspective he feels like it's been managed/ resolved, but of course as I've not been able to say anything to SiL about any of this it still leaves me stuck in a position where it all feels 'live' even though it was a long time ago now.
Our DH are primary school age. During the latest visit from SiL she behaved in a way which led me to say to DH I don't feel safe leaving our children alone with her. He disagrees but accepts this is my position. Of course this then also makes me more nervous if I ever were to step back contact as it would mean trusting others to safeguard my children from her behaviour.

She wouldn't be seeing me or my children again.

Awful human being.

If he wants to see her he can travel alone.

No wonder you’re to overwrought with it all, you’re carrying the expectations (supposed or actual) of every member of your family and your DH’s family in your shoulders, when you’re the one who’s been insulted and hurt.

Stop it. Just, stop trying to be everything to everyone. If she had come and punched you in the face then carried on as usual, and you thought your in laws expected your in laws to carry on as usual, you’d feel like you’re living in a parallel universe. Did they not see what just happened?

I’m guessing in this case your children and PILs don’t know what’s happened and that you don’t want to tell them. You’re allowed. You’re allowed to be insulted. You’re allowed to treat her like she’s a hurtful, rude and insulting person. You’re allowed to protect yourself. You’re allowed to do all of this in front of your PILs, and if they ask you why you’re being this way you can tell them that this is how you act in the presence of someone who’s done something as deeply hurtful to you as SIL has. You don’t tell your DC anything, you let them carry on. You just act like she isn’t there: don’t talk to her, don’t consider her, don’t take her into account. If she addresses you directly, you stare at her blankly or give her the bare minimum response. You freeze her out of your life in thoughts and actions. She’s the one who has to defend herself. Not you.

You need the courage of your convictions, you need to stop people pleasing, you need to stop appeasing and placating and smoothing over. You’re letting her walk all over you and you’re hurting yourself by letting this situation go on. Take control of your life, of this situation. Do you have a DD? What would you want her to do?

Thank you. You're correct - my children don't know anything (SiL told her two children that I had hurt their mummy and was a bad person, which I can't say I appreciated). My PiL's know that there was a falling out, my MiL has said she doesn't want to know the content which in all honesty I completely respect as obviously SiL is her daughter. I've never told them what was said, but they know I was very hurt by it. MiL's response was "you know what (SiL) is like, this is why I don't challenge her anymore because I don't want to have to deal with her reactions". I definitely did not know that this is was SiL was like 🤦🏻‍♀️

I do try and 'grey-rock' as much as I can when around SiL and wish I had the balls to actually be more overt in my disdain for being around her. Last time she visited us (stays for 2-3 days due to distance) I made sure I was out for bits of it to give me space, maybe I need to do more of that.

Didn’t want to read and run as I’ve been in your position with my SIL who is a nasty piece of work, (won’t go into details here). Like you I dread seeing her. Due to the fact that both PILs are dead now, the only time we see each other is at weddings and funerals. Years ago, the family went on holidays together. I always tried to get out of them as I didn’t want to waste my holiday leave from work and hard earned money spending a holiday with the SIL. Unfortunately the family saw me as awkward and at fault. Of course they didn’t want aggravation within the family. They knew of our difficulties but chose to brush it under the carpet. They have since felt the wrath from SIL and now have similar feelings to me. I have now managed to grasp being in the same room as her without conversing and making it look like I am being pleasant. I will say it gets easier as the family gets older as they tend to drift off. Keep the moral high ground, be pleasant but very distant. Try to encourage your PILs to visit you, this will reduce the times you have to go to their house and see SIL.

She comes to stay with you? You allow someone who insulted and hurt you to stay in your house? Is this because your DH insists? Even if she's respectful of your home and space - why is she staying in YOUR house? Yes, it's your DH's house - but it's also your one and only home. If someone had assaulted your DH, would you be okay with them coming to stay for 2-3 days at a time in his home? She can stay with her parents, or in a hotel, or not come at all. Of all the solutions, you allow this woman who badmouthed you to your nieces/nephews, to stay in your home?

I would see your MIL's remarks as encouraging or supportive, should you need encouragement or support. Stand up for yourself, draw a line in the sand: it's incredibly reassuring. You will feel on a stronger footing, you'll feel true to yourself and will appreciate that you're not being walked over.

People can't go through life allowing people to behave appallingly towards them. It's so utterly destructive to self-esteem and a person's sense of worth. There will always be people throwing rockets at you, because that's how humans are. It's not an option to pretend like they're not there. It's a vital life skill to learn to protect yourself and look after yourself and the people who depend on you.

Your sil is toxic. Your DH and family are protecting her! It’s probably because they’re scared of her too.
You have married into the family and seen the unhealthy dynamic and actually non of them like you rocking their boat!!
But your job is now to protect your children, not only from her, but from this whole unhealthy family relationship. It’s not normal for people to say arguments which result in a person not going on a holiday are nothing to do with them! That’s nonsense…. In normal healthy families it’s all dealt with, not brushed under the carpet

I’m sorry to hear how awful your SIL is. You’ve had some great advice here and if I were you I’d definitely try to minimise the time spent with her.

I went no contact with my FIL several years ago, he was always low level rude and difficult but on one particular occasion totally lost his temper with me because I had a different opinion to him on a topic we were all discussing. He then went on to tell me that it was my fault he shouted and swore at me. I no longer visit him and he is not welcome in my house when I am there. My DH is fully supportive of this, he maintains contact with him and will visit him occasionally. My children are adults, one remains in contact with him but the other does not.

My DH would be a bit more than "cross" with anyone who treated me like this, sister or not. There's no way he'd consider this kind of thing "resolved" after a bit of a cross chat with her.

Your husband needs to step up and be your married partner. If you haven't been fully clear to him about how much this is affecting you, tell him.

I wouldn’t want this dreadful person anywhere near my DC

She wouldn't be anywhere near my kids if she was that bad.

Oh and your Dh is an arsehole.

Thank you @DaphneDahlia. I'm really sorry you've been in a similar situation. It's so hard because I want DH to have the relationship he wants with his sister, and equally this means she'll never be out of my life. 🤦🏻‍♀️ Your words have brought me comfort and hope though that it might not feel as intense as it does now.

I would rather she didn't come, but also feel I have to respect it's our home, not just mine. I have arranged to have some personal therapy as I'm starting to recognise I can't change the system I'm in but need to find a way to cope with it all.

I have told him, many times. And I understand his position that she's his baby sister that he grew up with. He sees that she's being attacked a lot by family (due, in my view, to her terrible behaviour towards others), but he feels she had a hard childhood and is acting that hurt out - which I don't disagree with. The difference is that I don't think this should give her carte blanche to hurt people and not be challenged when she does.

Gosh your SIL has got everything sorted to her liking hasn’t she….her Mother too reluctant to confront her, (I was going to suggest you have a sit down talk with MIL, and explain how/why you feel as you do, but that’s obviously not going to happen. Whilst she’s shooting off her mouth regardless of who might be hurt by her thoughtlessness.

Yr H is weary of it all as lots of males get, esp ones who dislike confrontation. But who on earth enjoys confrontation anyway?! But he’s the one who could do more to understand andsupport you.

I would definitely not have this woman in my house to stay her 2 - 3 days! That has to be absolutely hellish for you. The guilt you feel on behalf of your children missing you on these family occasions will be the hardest to bear. But if you are drinking to dumb feelings regarding all of this, this spells disaster. Quit the alcohol and quit seeing her. Sounds so easy but I honestly know it’s not. I’m so sorry she’s bringing so much angst into your life.

Tell your DH that you won’t be seeing SIL at all whether it’s at her home, at your PIL or in your home and do it. You’ll feel so much better once you’ve put firm boundaries in place. Get counselling if it helps you, but you might not need it once you’ve cut the poisonous bitch out of your life for good.

If DH insists on having his sister to stay, make arrangements to stay elsewhere for the whole time. I suspect he’ll be less keen to host the scumbag and look after the DC completely on his own.

I already don't go to where she's living (she had an affair last year with another married man and just moved into his house after his wife had to move out, so I refuse to go there on moral principle). I think I am erring more and more towards no contact. I don't mind if she comes here but I don't have to be here. It will mean I likely lose contact with my two nieces but equally at this point I think something needs to be done to protect myself more.

A few years ago I went no contact with my FIL. He had never been particularly pleasant to me but there was one specific incident that triggered this. During a conversation, I expressed a different opinion to him which sent him into a rage. He apologised afterwards but told me he couldn’t help himself because I made him so angry.
As a result of this he is not welcome in my house nor will I visit him. My husband and one of my children still speak to him and occasionally visit him. I have seen him once at a family gathering but did not engage with him other than to respond to him when he greeted me.
It’s a relief not to have to spend time with him.

No way would she get to stay in my house. I’m appalled that your Dh thinks this is ok. She had an affair and the affair man’s dp had to move out? wtf?! I would insist she doesn’t come to her parents’ house when you’re visiting, your Dh can go round to see her, don’t think your dc need a relationship with her from the sounds of it. I think you’re being treated very poorly by your Dh.

I couldn't let her stay in my home, make her food and so on. Such a cow.

DH could perhaps persuade her to stay in a local hotel and he could visit her.

Can you suggest that?

Only just seen the more recent replies, thank you. I did decide to go no contact in the end. I called my PiLs and explained this to them, they are being supportive. My DH told his sister, as I showed him what I wanted to say and he felt it wasn't enough to explain why I want space and told me not to send the message (which made me feel silenced yet again, he's aware of this. On one level I'm just working on accepting that although I didn't get to do it how I wanted to, it is done). Currently causing some tension between DH and I but I know this was the right decision for my own wellbeing, no one else was going to look out for me or protect me and I also want DC to learn (when they're old enough to ask and understand) that they do not have to tolerate unkindness in their relationships.