Hi all, feeling really stuck and looking for other people's experiences to help guide my thinking. All rather outing but I currently feel so low about it all that I don't think I really care.
I really struggle to be around my SiL. She's my age, always been a bit of a tricky character when I look back but I've tried to have a good relationship with her. She was one of my three bridesmaids along with my sisters which I hope demonstrates how I viewed her. Unfortunately there was an incident two years ago where she said some very hurtful and personal things to me, some of which I continue to find unforgettable and unforgivable. (Full disclosure as while I don't want to dredge it all up again for public debate I do think context is important to understand why my reaction is as extreme as it probably looks from the outside - She shared a view publicly about some women being responsible for being sexually assaulted and more broadly that if women don't report the assault immediately they shouldn't be believed... All of which she knows is something I connect with due to experiences in a previous abusive relationship. I told her privately that it had been hard for me to hear her say this, which I now deeply regret as she doubled down and stated that me being assaulted was my own fault. I then said nothing other than I needed space and she responded by continuing to attack me on a wider level via messages, phone calls and a two page letter she sent to me about the "problem with the #metoo movement" and how niave and uneducated I am about it all). As some can probably imagine, to say this was all shocking and upsetting to me is a bit of an understatement. I blame myself for sharing my hurt with her, but I honestly never thought she'd respond like that in a million years or I'd have stayed silent from the off.
I've managed to tolerate being in her presence every two months since this purely for the sake of my husband, our children and my MiL and FiL, but I'm constantly on edge when I'm around her. I cope by drinking which I know doesn't help but in the moment is the only way I can numb everything in my head that I want to say to her and keep a smile on my face. SiL acts as if nothing happened and is all smiles and sunshine infront of me, has been since it happened.
In the weeks leading up to seeing her I notice my mood is lower and I'm very preoccupied by it all. I think part of this used to be anxiety around being around her, but now that seems to have changed to intense anger that she's been able to treat me as she has and yet I'm expected to smile, keep quiet and play happy families for the benefit of everyone else. There's pictures of her kids/ things she's bought for DH all over the house, which mean as hard as I try I'm reminded of her and the impact of her words on a daily basis.
My DH doesn't like the impact this all has on our relationship and feels burnt out with my ongoing negative feelings around his sister, which I understand. Sometimes I don't think he understands just how painful her views on this have been to me, it feels like he expects me to just get over it as if she said my fringe is wonky or something. I explain to him that I feel silenced by it all - his position (which I do reluctantly agree with) is that any attempt to talk to SiL about it won't result in any change in her views and she's likely to just go for me again. He also says that he thinks my feelings don't really belong to SiL, but to my abusive ex. I do see where he's coming from, but again I feel this downplays how she has behaved, as if it's somehow something I should find acceptable. He is now saying he thinks it would be easier for everyone if I just went completely no-contact with her.
If this decision wouldn't affect anyone but me then honestly I'd jump at it and can see how much lighter I'd feel if she just didn't feature in my life. But I know that if I ever did this it would hurt my in-laws (although they also struggle with SiL so I think would understand to some degree, obviously she's their daughter so they just want everyone to get along). My biggest pull is my children, who I know want me there with them. DH's family do a holiday away together every year, which I absolutely dread now. I didn't go to the one that was booked after the initial big fall out as I couldn't face it, and I know my children were both upset that I didn't go. So I feel a pull to play happy families for their sake. But I'm also acknowledging that I am miserable and it's really affecting my mental health having her in my life.
I'm also not sure how this would work practically- speaking. We live 170 miles away from DH's family, so if we went every couple of months as we currently do then I don't know what I would do when SiL and nieces pop over- just make myself scarce for several hours!? I'd never seek to stop my kids or DH having a relationship with her, I think that's for them to decide.
If anyone has a similar experience where they've cut contact but their family remains in touch can I ask how this works in reality and what the pros and cons have been if any? Sorry this has been a bit of a ramble.