Does this message sound off?

[newusernamex1000]

Myself and my ex DH have been split up for numerous years, kids seen him regularly.

When it comes to Christmas, the children always stayed with me Christmas Day and went to him on Boxing Day. I offered to share days but this is what he wanted so no problem.

However, he has entered into a new relationship this year and while the new girlfriend has been nothing but nice to my kids she has messaged today asking what days they’re free over the Christmas period. She wants to pencil them into the diary. My daughter has spoken to me about this and said it feels strange she has to be penciled into a dairy to see her own dad.

My son, who just goes with the flow has also raised an eyebrow.

I’ll be honest, this isn’t the first time she has caused my kids to “raise and eyebrow”. She has become pregnant, after telling my ex DH and my kids that she is 100% infertile. My ex DH has mentioned that he feels like she knew she wasn’t and has become pregnant on purpose.

My kids are looking forward to a new sibling but have now noticed a pattern of broken promises and are not seeing their father as much anymore. Obviously causing upset.

I guess my question is, where do I go from here and how can I protect my kids feelings?

On the face of it, asking about dates doesn’t sound bad? Perhaps it is about making sure they aren’t double-booked with other things or letting the kids down if unclear when stuff is on?

Do you think your daughter has taken this the wrong way? It reads to me that she wants the dates the children are free so they can be kept free and not to book anything on those dates?

What were the broken promises your ex has made? He should really be the one organising when to see his own children. No wonder they feel a bit upset about this, it sounds like he is the problem rather than her.

That’s exactly what I said to my daughter, but she’s got a bit of a bee in her bonnet about it.

Her dad has made plans multiple times with her and cancels on the day so she’s just becoming increasingly upset

@PrelimThats exactly what I think too. They’re his children and he needs to be sorting this. It’s laziness on his part

How old are your children?

So it’s about him cancelling plans - which is shit. So pencilling in seems futile if it doesn’t really mean anything.

oh dear, I’m sorry, it’s hard, but not your problem to fix. Just agree with her that yes it’s upsetting when plans are cancelled last minute and it’s not her fault. Ex is a dick. Maybe don’t add that bit though.

She became pregnant did she?! How on earth did that happen I wonder? Why didn't he use a condom?

And there's nothing wrong with saying you want to put dates in the diary for Xmas. It's a busy period. And of course people don't just show up unannounced on random days round this time of year in the hope someone will be in and not busy.

It seems you and your kids don't like her. I don't really think she seems to have done anything wrong to you or the children though.

As for your ex moaning he got his Mrs pregnant, tell him to grow up and use contraception.

I dont think there is anything wrong with trying to make Christmas arrangements - essentially she's only asking the kids what days they are free to go over to their Dads. I wouldn't have an issue with that.

If their Dad has started a habit of cancelling plans and not seeing his kids then that is an issue and one you should raise with him - but ultimately you can't control what he does - so if he keeps cancelling plans eventually the children are going to give up on him (sad but true)

When the new baby arrives I'm sure patterns will change all over again - and my become chaotic for a while until the new baby settles into a routine so I@d be prepared to be flexible over this period (within reason obvs) and try to keep communications as open as possible between all of you.

Weather that communication is between you - or just direct with the kids entirely depends how old they are.

I remember growing up in this scenario. And it can be so hurtful so I get why your DD feels she is now like a plan B.
I also get why your DD is off that the current partner is the one sending those requests, it does feel off, why is their dad not the one getting in contact regarding this?

Children are not administrative tasks, and this all seems to be so cold IMHO.

If their dad is sloppy with his times with your DC, then this is a clear message what is to be expected in the future. Your kids are not daft and can identify the pattern, and what they eventually mean.

There’s nothing much you can do really. You could tell your kids that people do generally organise Christmas like that as there can be quite a few family visits depending on size of family. You could try to keep on good terms with stepmother as she’s clearly the one who’s going to determine what goes on.

As for her telling him she’s infertile and getting pregnant - well, that’s his problem and his naivety.

I think she’s aware that in the past few months your ex has made plans with his kids but hasn’t told her so things got double booked, she’s now making sure those clashes don’t happen again and that your dc aren’t let down again. I think she’s being way more sensible than your ex. She’s probably as frustrated with your ex as you are. She sounds nice tbh, whereas your ex doesn’t. She’s looking out for their interests. Your dd needs to now understand her dad now has other people to consider and not just her. As important as she is.

She didn’t spontaneously become pregnant he had unprotected sex with her without confirming 100% that she couldn’t get pregnant. If it’s true it’s obv unacceptable on her part but I simply don’t believe it happened like that. He’s then told you all about it and defamed his partners entire character to his ex, which is so disrespectful and a massive red flag.
if their dad isn’t seeing them as much that’s on their dad not on her, she’s the one messaged trying to arrange something with them
don’t get into that tired old pattern women have been entering into forever, giving the men a pass whilst blaming the other woman for everything.

you stay out of it, you don’t get into conversations slagging off the new woman, you appreciate she’s making an effort with dc since ex isn’t and you talk to dc and be supportive to them. It’s shit but it’s not her fault

When my parents got divorced, my dad’s ow wrote all of mine and my siblings birthday cards. For two decades. My dad couldn’t even be arsed to write us a birthday card, ever. Men like this who let the ow come stepmother deal with everything to do with their own kids really do dig their own graves. It’s so obviously hurtful to receive cards like it.

I’d agree here - it sounds like she’s trying to avoid the cancelling thing!

They need to speak ddirectly to their dad about when they want or expect to see him.

But pencilling in the diary doesn't really mean the same thing as scheduling them. It means ensuring those days are kept free so Dc are prioritised. I put my adult DC's visits into our diary so nothing else clashes.

@Freeyourmind they’re mid/late teens and he has a 7year old with someone wise who has also received the same message

They’ve been together less than a year and she already pregnant enough to announce it after saying she’s infertile? That’s concerning!

Also, it should be you and your DH arranging days and times for your kids. She can butt out. She is already seeing herself as the manager of the family, but it’s not her family!

@BillieWiperi don’t know her enough to like or dislike her, my priority is my children’s happiness. Since our split he has had numerous relationships and had more children.

He really is a piece of work but I tend to not say that

In a normal situation, I would see asking in advance about days kids will be with them as being about planing activities and events. Eg, an extended family christmas .... on a day they're there or agreeing to meet friends on days the kids are NOT going to be there. But it sounds like there's a bit of a backstory there.

Are the DC usually able to move betwen houses quite a lot? In which case, perhaps ask if they are looking for set dates for specific activities and events that they (the DC and ex and NewWife) need to commit to and that of course, as always, the kdis may come and go as normal?

@Pumpkindoodlesi am staying out of it, which is why I’m writing it on here.

@MattCauthonhe normally would have the children over night but he’s selling his 4 bedroom house and moving into her 2 bed. No idea how that is going to work with all the children he has

I completely disagree. It is her business to arrange her own life, if that means she’s now making sure days are free for the dc to visit that’s brilliant. New girlfriends are seriously never cut a moment of slack where exes are concerned. The fact she’s pg after thinking she was infertile is lovely for her, not ideal but it’s hardly unheard of. I have a step dd who I prioritise, I adore the ground she walks in and have done for 25yrs. My DH did spring her visits on me a few times, as often as I could I prioritised her but on occasion it was terribly awkward for me to rearrange my plans around it, pencilling in visits meant she was considered at all times. It’s not that she was inconvenient.

Any chance he’s in financial difficulties and that’s why he keeps cancelling on the children last minute?

Having 4 children and still choosing to downsize and move in with her is broke behaviour, really. It wouldn’t be done if it’s not out of necessity.

I agree there is nothing wrong with what she's asking..the problem is it should be their father asking. In a relationship less than a year and she's already taking over managing that relationship for him screams of lazy parenting.

I think your daughter could message her dad with dates and say she really hopes the visit doesn't fall through this time as she's looking forward to seeing him.

Why is she messaging you?

Your ex should be perfectly capable of arranging dates with you/his DC. Plus he has another child to make plans for.

At the mid/late teen stage I would expect this to be arranged either between myself and my EXDH if we were on relatively good terms, or in my case I ask my DC on what day they had plans for and work around that.

I certainly wouldn't engage in comms with his new GF. And as for the pregnancy, you're jusy hearing one side of the story of a man that seems pretty useless so I'd take that with a pinch of salt.

I would imagination your DC are perturbed by the fact that their DF is hopeless and another woman is sticking her nose in.