kissing

[Imaginatio]

Hello

I’d love your perspective on this matter that is causing us to argue a bit.

We’ve been together a year, love together and are engaged. It’s been a lovely year and over that time we’ve learned to live and love. It all feels right and lovely.

One thing troubling me is that she has stopped kissing me the way we used to. I’m talking passionate kissing and the kind where you feel very connected.

we’ve talked about it over the months but it stopped at about month 4. It comes and goes but for a day or so, but it’s never like it used to be and I really miss it.

it’s now at a point where it has become and thing and difficult to get through.

any advice would be lovely. I’m the guy here but came on here for a woman’s perspective. Both 40s.

thanks.

Ask her.

I have been married since 1992 and we kiss as passionately now as we did then.

Passion is very important to our relationship, but it might not be for her and unless you ask the problem is going to get bigger and you’ll grow apart.

She probably has more important things on her mind.

I have a friend who won’t kiss her husband in this way and it’s because his dental hygiene is really bad. This isn’t meant to be disrespectful but are you flossing and brushing your teeth twice a day? Is this something you’ve discussed? If it’s been months of you saying this is an issue I think you might have to accept this isn’t happening or end the relationship if you feel your needs aren’t being met.

I do brush twice a day and use mouth wash too. We both tend to get lazy about flossing but we both have good white teeth.

it has been months and I’m upset that it was here and then stopped so soon after meeting.

We’ve been together a year, love together and are engaged.

This is very quick, and it’s likely that you are still very much at the early stages of getting to know each other. The ‘passionate kissing’ was only for four months. Maybe she’s just not into it. You can’t really argue someone into snogging you in your preferred way.

This is the point of our argument. “Preferred way” feels a bit OTT when we’re talking. About something so crucial in a relationship?

You’ve discussed it, so what has she said as to why she’s not doing it?

We have got friends that once admitted to us that they never ‘snog’ and never have. We think this is really odd, and it raises all sorts of questions we can’t ask them, but I guess not everyone sees it as an important aspect of a relationship. Or perhaps some people just don’t like it?

IMO this is so important, id be struggling also 😟

Thats great. I think in the beginning it’s the drunken love stage. That usually wears off when you get used to each other. I have heard a saying that the issues in the beginning you ignore will be the issues that end you. I think it’s concerning after only a year you have an ongoing intimacy issue and resentment building. Intimacy is HUGE and you don’t want it to build where you are here after 5 years suffering from a sexless marriage. Take action now not just talking about kissing but compatibility together. You can work on things that naturally come to you and you enjoy but you can’t CHANGE someone. If she’s telling you hey this isn’t who I am really then it’s time for a look inwards if you can say I’m okay without this and it’s something I can compromise on.

Are you following, responding to her need? I’ve backed away from kissing like this when men aren’t sensitive and responsive. Some dive straight in, no build up, tongue rammed down your throat or filling your mouth. Some produce gallons of saliva. It’s a massively intimate experience and really needs you to be in tune. Pausing so everyone can breath and you can swallow excess spit 🤣, starting gently and waiting for the invitation to do more- it’s a conversation, with conversational etiquette, not rummaging through the bargain bucket at Woolworths.

She said it’s my need not hers and that her needs are other things that take priority and none of them are intimacy.

I can't stand open mouth kissing, I find it disgusting and my husband had horrible wet kisses and I just refused.
His teeth aren't great either , t's just the wetness I can't deal with. So it's something we don't do. Everything else is fine though.
We ve been together since 1976 .
Five kidsm

This is why I’m asking on here. I can be easy to think “surely everyone wants a snog” but clearly that isn’t the case.

But SHE doesn't want a snog. This alone tells you that not EVERYONE wants a snog. Also, to be honest, it doesn't really matter how anyone else feels about snogging, she is not keen, which is the only thing that matters to you in this situation. It's not like if 90% of people enjoy a snog you can say, "aha! 90% of people like snogging so now you have to snog me!"

If she doesn't want to do it and is unwilling to do it just because you like it then you need to either accept little / no snogging or you have to leave.

So, she doesn’t want to. She’s told you she doesn’t want to. What advice are you seeking?

I'd just get out of there if I were you and find someone who values intimacy in a relationship as much as you do. If she's actively avoiding you physically now, a year in, with no kids on the scene, it's going to be awful for you in a decade. Get out now, seriously

This.

Too much tongue is very off putting.

I watch Love Island and often I’ve thought “yuck, I couldn’t stand that” as one of them sticks their tongue in immediately and generally leaves it there. Ewww

Do you tease and tantalise? Delicate tongue action may be the answer. Soft and sensual. Change your technique

we don’t even get to tongues.

I once dateted a man that was like this he was lovely but the kissing.
How to explain it 🤔 I called it dry kisses like he would rub his lips on mine that was it.
Like a fish out of water gasping for air.
It was so off putting.
It was weird.
I ended it it became a turn off in the end.
I don't mind a quick peck but I also want a full on snog.

I’m suspected adhd and autistic
I cannot do eye contact even if I really try and full on kissing gives me the heebie jeebies!

my partner gets it, we can laugh about it and occasional I oblige during intimate times as I know he likes it, he knows I don’t but it’s a happy medium 😂

Maybe she's just not a kisser. Neither me or DP are really, despite our relationship beginning with a drunken snog on the dance floor.

Once we'd started having sex, then kissing basically stopped outside of sex, and even then it's not a major feature of our sex life.

I've had girlfriends in the past who wanted a lot of kissing, and to be honest it just seemed a bit pointless to me. The fact that DP feels the same as me is just one of the many ways in which were compatible.

I think you need to make a choice @Imaginatio . You're not going to change her, you can't force her to be into kissing any more than you can force her into any other sex act. So you need to work out whether this is a deal breaker for you.

Thanks for this. It’s not a deal breaker for me as i love her to bits. I think the way we’ve tried to discuss has become more of the problem rather than the kissing. We’re still learning how to disagree and be ok with it, if you know what I mean.

I’ve only met two men in my kissing career who don’t coat my face in slime and try to gag me with their tongue.

I had one boyfriend who got very arsey with me about my not wanting to kiss him with tongues anymore, but the way he kissed was the opposite of intimate - he would kind of force my head down so I couldn’t get away and use his tongue like a toilet plunger down my throat. So much saliva it felt like I was being digested by a mollusk. It made me despise him in the end.

What happened when you did kiss passionately? Did you just kiss, or did you start getting handsy and going straight for sex?

My ex always thought passionate kissing meant sex and two minutes kissing was sufficient foreplay. That put me right off and he never (still doesn't) understand that is a turn off. To prevent being sexually harrassed I stopped with the kissing.

Jonathan Ross always said his relationship was solid as he and his wife used to make out and snog for hours on the sofa with zero expectation of sex. They acted like teenagers even though they had been married for years with kids. Now THAT is a turn on. Just kissing for fun, and nothing else.

It’s good that you recognise that you’re still getting to know each other and learning how to disagree in a healthy way. What you also need to consider is how you manage your own feelings about what you may want that she doesn’t. You can’t always get your own way, either of you. She doesn’t want to snog like a teenager.
Can you be affectionate and intimate in other ways that meet both of your needs? That could be worth exploring. Perhaps cuddling, holding hands, touch and communicating your feelings could help you feel better?
Also it might be worth addressing the elephant in the room, are you actually any good at kissing? I’ve had previous partners who were and some who really weren’t. Too much tongue action (like a pneumatic drill) and slobbering puts me off. Do you have a beard or stubble that exfoliates all the skin of her chin and mouth and leaves her red raw?
She might have put up with technique that doesn’t work for her to start with then given up and sacked the whole thing off as you’ve been together longer. Like you say, she has other priorities.