Feeling sad that this might be the end of my marriage

[mummybee1]

I have been married 20 years, the last 5 years have been sexless (not my decision) other than 3 months in 2023. My husband appears to have no desire to be near or with me. He seems disinterested in me physically and as a person. He doesn’t ask questions or seem interested in me, my thoughts, my activities etc We have 4 children and we both work so life is busy. I have tried making specific times to be together, talking to him and wearing sexy underwear to bed but my efforts are generally just ignored. If I try talking to him he denies there is a problem and if I drill down further then he ignores or avoids me saying he will think about it and then ignores the conversation.
I don’t think I want my marriage to be over but I don’t know what else to do

It doesn't sound very promising, sorry. It sounds like you need to force the issue with, tell him you're not living like this for another 5 years, and he needs to either address this together with you or make plans to split up.

Is it worth an ultimatum? If you really don’t want life to be like this just tell him straight. Has he not had any sex drive in the last two years? I wouldn’t want to be in the position of no intimacy. Does he still hold your hand? Hug you at night etc? It sounds lonely. And feeling lonely in a relationship drives resentment. I hope you find a way to resolve it as no one deserves to feel like that.

The only physical contact is what I have initiated. About once a week he might say do you want to give me your feet as I used to always rest my feet on him when we were relaxing on the sofa. He doesn’t kiss, cuddle or me or touch me in the day eg as he moves past me. He shows no interest in me if I get changed near him. In bed he will sometimes cuddle up against my back. I will sometimes then spend time stroking his arms or chest etc, in response he sometimes rubs my side but (this sounds ungrateful) in the same place over and over with his thumb so it gets uncomfortable and I ask him to stop or have to move his hand

How old is your dh? I'd suggest he goes to the gp to see what is causing the lack of libido.

Is he an avid porn fan? Is he getting sex elsewhere? Does he understand how rejected you feel?

He needs to do something. Pretending it isn't a problem isn't good enough.

This is so sad. How can you repair it if he stonewalls you, and won’t even acknowledge the problem? Is there an option besides clarifying that he either works on the marriage or you walk out? But you need to truly be ready to walk out if he’s not willing or able to come to the table. Empty threats do mothing.

I’d worry that he’s seeing someone else. If he is, he won’t admit it so there’s no point in asking.

I agree with PP that there could be someone else. But I would ask. If your relationship is coming to an end then have the serious conversation

He is 55, doesn’t watch much porn. I’m 99% sure there isn’t anyone else. He just seems to have turned this part of him off.
if I initiate anything he will usually lay still on his back. If I give him a blow job he will lie still, making appreciative noises. If I then take a break he might suggest to cuddle up and will want me to fall asleep even if I am half way through, he won’t touch me sexually at this point.
when I have mentioned this in the past and been firm or very upset about it he sometimes changes for about 2 weeks then goes back to this again.
I can give the ultimatum but I don’t know if I can go through with it which would be pointless

He’s already left. I’m so so sorry. Pulling the plug on this will be painful but only briefly so. And certainly better than your current death by a thousand cuts.

Is he depressed? Sorry it’s hard 💐

I think he probably is. He is quite disinterested in lots of things and rarely excited. He doesn’t do anything for himself like clubs, meeting friends, going out etc. he could do any of these things but chooses not to. He previously had said he was too busy with the children to do them but now just chooses not to. I think he would say there isn’t time/ money for him to do these things but that isn’t the reality. We live on the breadline financially but I choose to run 4-5 times per week, I read and I treat myself to coffee in a coffee shop once per week. I have offered all these (walk instead of run) and he says no.
he won’t admit he is depressed. He has been to the doctors for health MOT and all came back fine. I presume they ask about mental health at these
I think he would say I am very critical and it makes him feel not good enough. It’s true I am critical because if I don’t ask him to do each part of a job then he won’t do it eg please clean kitchen means wipe sides as well as load dishwasher, clean bathroom means tiles as well as sink. I have been really conscious of this and tried hard to not be so critical and thank him for what he has done but I’m not sure it’s made the difference and I think he now can’t hear me not criticising

Would he consider trying couples counselling? Pricey but not as expensive as divorce and may be worth a try.

I think this is the only way forwards. I had suggested it in the past but he said he would think about it and then never talked about it again. My fault really as I was too scared to bring it up as if he said no then I didn’t know what I would do so hearing nothing was better than no.
looking on relate they offer regular marriage counselling or sex therapy. I think sex is one aspect but is it the visible part that will make it accessible?
has anyone used relate before? Are we together for the sessions? I know they are online

They are online in my area, not sure about everywhere. Relate counsellor will speak to you both on your own and then also together. I would really recommend doing it - you will feel heard, you might develop more understanding of where your DH is at, and even if your marriage can't be saved it is better to go through Relate as they help you come to terms with things.

Thank you. I will definitely try contacting relate today

I wouldn't aim for sex therapy but relationship counselling if you want to change things. The lack of sex is not where your problems start from, it is a consequence of other factors. You are disconnected from each other on many levels. You can work on that if both of you want to put in effort to improve the quality of your relationship. If that isn't possible, then there isn't much of a future based on what you've written.

The 'ultimatum' suggestions on these threads always make me uncomfortable. I don't think sex issues are something that can be appropriately addressed through ultimatums. I certainly wouldn't respond well to it.

But maybe a sensitive conversation about how life is generally and a suggestion of going to couples counselling to help see you both back on track generally might work.

If someone is depressed, it can feel far easier to bury their head in the sand than go through the mental.and emotional labour of putting things right. It's a self protection mechanism. But not helpful in the long run because the problems don't just disappear.

People often feel more comfortable if they feel they're being approached side by side rather than head on over issues like this. That feels more supportive and solution focused rather than confrontational and critical.

Thank you, I think you are right and I wonder if in the past I have intended to start discussions in this way but then when I have felt frustrated have ended up being much less understanding.
I just want things to be better but I’m scared of rocking the boat. If I try to improve things and they don’t get better I then have to admit that and I don’t think I want to think about that.
I feel sad and rejected but everything that comes with my marriage feels safe so I have been pretending it’s not an issue.

I think really I knew this but it’s hard to admit the issues are wider than ‘just’ sex.

If you get the opportunity, just make the appointment for counselling.

Don't ask him whether you can go together - book it, give him the details and tell him you are going with or without him because your marriage can't continue like this, but that you hope he comes.

Worst case scenario & he doesn't show up - you will be a bit clearer on the effort he's prepared to put into your marriage and still have someone to speak to about how this makes you feel & how you want to move forward.

Update; I contacted a local marriage counselling service on Monday to enquire about face to face sessions, they haven’t come back to me yet.
Yesterday we talked a little about the problem but it didn’t really develop or extend into a deeper conversation just a vague - I like being with you, I like sitting next to you and yes let’s do something together. he wouldn’t engage any further but I thought maybe his actions would change, they didn’t. then this morning I thought enough and just said it, how I was feeling. He said he does love me and when I said I felt unloved he wanted to cuddle me. I explained how no intimacy made me feel and how I felt rejected. He just says as he has got older he just doesn’t want sex as much. I was a bit mean and blurted back what you haven’t wanted sex in 13 years (how long it’s been deteriorating for) He waited for about 30 mins before then saying what about we put some time aside this afternoon (neither of us working today, no appointments all day) I then felt sad and cross and impulsively said it’s going to need more than afternoon to move forwards. He says ‘what we need to schedule in something’ and I said that if you don’t want to have sex more than once a year then he needs to see the doctor and that sex was the manifestation of the problem, the issue was about desire, giving 2 physical examples of when I have felt rejected. He just excused his behaviour with a ridiculous excuse (I was turned away and moving away from you so I could be closer to my coffee). he didn’t reply further and after another 30 mins of silence I thought I can’t continue to sit here feeling sad and went out in the car. I know that was a cowards way out and that running and hiding isn’t the answer but I can’t face more and don’t want to realise an alternate future.

in the 80 mins we were sat there he didn’t say more than 20 words. I deliberately left silence as I know I often want to fill silence. I also know I shouldn’t have bitten back and been more compassionate but it just felt like he wasn’t being honest with himself.

im not sure what i am hoping for by writing this down but i am hoping that i will feel a little better for having emptied my head. I will have to head home soon and I don’t know what to do next. I have children to take to evening things tonight but could probably do with some time at home. I just feel drained

@mummybee1 has he been checked by a Gp for low testosterone etc?

No, not been checked by the doctor. Doesn’t really like going to the doctors. He is a heavy smoker and when younger regularly drank to excess (I would say alcohol dependent but he would disagree) and so I wonder if this worries him into not going

How old are your 4 children? This doesn’t sound very positive at all.

It sounds like he has sort of shut down all his personal needs and is going through the motions. Life has been very busy with 4 kids and 2 working parents and this is how he’s got through it. I know you’ve managed more but maybe you have more energy. He probably thinks it’s ok, not great but ok. Maybe in his head he is waiting to revive “himself” and your relationship till your kids are older/flown the nest?

I think if you just tell him you are unhappy, he will possibly just withdraw further. Of course you can share how you’re feeling but it will probably work best if you also make some concrete suggestions for things you want to change. So for example, a walk and coffee together every Sunday afternoon (I don’t know if this is possible with 4 kids …) Or, always cuddle up to me on the sofa. Or “date night” at home where you sit and have dinner together without the kids and chat. From the conversation you had it sounds like he is willing to make changes but doesn’t know where to start.