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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

Feeling sad that this might be the end of my marriage

29 replies

mummybee1 · 09/11/2025 23:40

I have been married 20 years, the last 5 years have been sexless (not my decision) other than 3 months in 2023. My husband appears to have no desire to be near or with me. He seems disinterested in me physically and as a person. He doesn’t ask questions or seem interested in me, my thoughts, my activities etc We have 4 children and we both work so life is busy. I have tried making specific times to be together, talking to him and wearing sexy underwear to bed but my efforts are generally just ignored. If I try talking to him he denies there is a problem and if I drill down further then he ignores or avoids me saying he will think about it and then ignores the conversation.
I don’t think I want my marriage to be over but I don’t know what else to do

OP posts:

Original poster

mummybee1 · 12/11/2025 13:16

minipie · 12/11/2025 12:56

It sounds like he has sort of shut down all his personal needs and is going through the motions. Life has been very busy with 4 kids and 2 working parents and this is how he’s got through it. I know you’ve managed more but maybe you have more energy. He probably thinks it’s ok, not great but ok. Maybe in his head he is waiting to revive “himself” and your relationship till your kids are older/flown the nest?

I think if you just tell him you are unhappy, he will possibly just withdraw further. Of course you can share how you’re feeling but it will probably work best if you also make some concrete suggestions for things you want to change. So for example, a walk and coffee together every Sunday afternoon (I don’t know if this is possible with 4 kids …) Or, always cuddle up to me on the sofa. Or “date night” at home where you sit and have dinner together without the kids and chat. From the conversation you had it sounds like he is willing to make changes but doesn’t know where to start.

Thank you, I’m going to try this as a way forward. We had tried to pencil things in but schedules were difficult. Children are 19, 17, 16 and 12.
i have always had more energy and been the one to organise, sort out, make time, arrange etc. I don’t even mind this but I just need him to want to on the journey with me

OP posts:

Whereismyfleeceblanket · 12/11/2025 13:22

My exh never wanted sex unless ttc.
I once initiated an early night in a last ditch attempt.. He declared he wouldn't be able to get to sleep as it was only 9pm. I had an affair and ultimately left the marriage. He accepted absolutely no blame in the ending of our relationship... He left me broken with ptsd and anorexic fighting for equal access to our dc... Leave now I. Before you re tempted to be fulfilled elsewhere.
Ime he has broken his vows by not being the dh you agreed to be with. You didn't sign up to be celibate...

Christmasisaroundthecorner · 13/11/2025 10:04

4 kids and you said you’re living on the breadline and you think he might well be depressed. It sounds really hard and you sound amazing that you’re making the best of it with going for runs for me time because it’s free and enjoying your weekly treat of coffee in a coffee shop. Is there anything you can jointly work towards, any joint projects or some reason to hope things will get better. I know it’s hard to remember what you liked doing together after two decades of kids but can you make a plan for something to go together eg could you sell stuff and raise enough for a nice meal out or a cinema trip or whatever you like. Have friends round or meet up for drinks. Something that makes life feel like it’s more than drudgery and survival. And maybe see if he will see the gp re possible depression. I hope you can find a way of making life better for both of you.

Christmasisaroundthecorner · 13/11/2025 10:08

this is probably weirdly specific, but if you have Lego the kids have grown out of that can worth selling. You get more if you sort it, and any boxes help. Trade off between time and money. I looked on eBay to see what was worth sorting and sold the rest by weight but there are probably other places.

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