Exhausted and don't know where to go

[Zeemie22]

I hate living in a constant fight or flight mode, not knowing what tomorrow is going to look like. Had another argument with my partner today about sharing of the workload. He hates loading the dishwasher with his own dirty dishes or making his own breakfast and expects me to do these things for him when I already have a full time job. It took me three hours to pack his lunch and breakfast, cut his fruits and pack a slice of cake I baked for his day shift yesterday and even though I had the day off myself, I was out looking at house viewings on my own because he was on shift. I’m the one looking at places, shortlisting them, booking viewings, liaising with agents etc and I came home just as tired as he was. I am not someone’s service dog and I never will be and the least he could do is load his dirty lunch boxes in the dishwasher. and not throw a tantrum about it. This was after I invited him to a restaurant close to his place of work at the end of the day, bought him some fresh juice, paid for both of our dinners, paid for both of our dessert also and when I came home, I knew he was tired so I ran him a hot bath in the tub with bath salts and a soak, lit up candles for him in the washroom, gave him my ipad so he keeps himself entertained through his bath. I won’t be putting his dirty dishes away on top of everything else that I do. I feel like I'm drowing here and he bloody well knows how much this affects me but keeps pushing for me to do more. I hate it and I resent all of this now.

Also he has been using the house move as a bargaining chip and I hate that. He has been bargaining how much I coul dcontribute to the bills (he pays rent and basic groceries) and I agreed to pay council tax, water and electricity. We don't need Wifi. He has threatened that he will move out at least 10 times these past few days and asked me to look for a studio myself and keep switching morning and evening between what he wants and all because I refuse to have a baby with him, I have my reasons (weaponised incompetence for one). My head hurts and my shoulders are killing me from all the stress.

He's hit you in the past, just not the past 6 months? Is that correct?

Did he grow up in an obscenely wealthy household with servants, or is he from a culture where the women do absolutely every last thing for the men, short of wiping their arses?

Either way this is nuts. Is your home country and situation really so awful that you'd rather stay with him than return?

How are you dependent on his visa if you're not married? Are you allowed to work in the UK?

He doesn't respect you at all. What a miserable existence for the pair of you. You know you need to leave him.

This isn't just the VISA by the way, I know I can get it anywhere else in the world if I needed to, I have three degrees and I will soon be graduating with a PhD. We've tried living apart and for seven years we've both been miserable. My mental health deteriorates when I am not living with him and so does his. I can't explain this but that's how it is and as horrible as it sounds, I am less productive and more depressed when I am not living with him. I've got no one else.

I just came here to vent and I realise from reading all the comments I need stronger boundaries. We both know we won't ever remarry if we are to separate and he is set in his ways where women serve the men in the family but unfortunately for him he fell for someone who won't do that. It's really complicated.

It’s not about remarrying. You are almost a slave

You said you were reliant on him for your visa

Are you now saying - you are in fact not reliant on him for your visa @Zeemie22

That's the case if I decide to stay with him, I am not out of options however. It's just complicated because there's familiarity here and because at one point I did love him a lot. I'm checked out by now but I find comfort in him coming home and sleeping next to me even if we don't talk much. And then there is this hope that he would one day change enough for me to make this work somehow. I've definitely lost that hope over the years and months progressively so.

I’m confused
so if you stay with him you are reliant on him for a visa
but if you don’t stay with him, you aren’t reliant on Him for a visa?

You lived apart for 7 years despite being married? Where were you?

Yes that's kind of where I'm at. If I leave him, the VISA goes and then I can switch to a work permit if I needed to, I'm employed by a British company and have been for the past 10 years. I've actually had both my university degrees from the UK and I've been here on and off longer than he has and he has. I also have my own company now and I could sponsor myself also or just go back to Germany and start all over again there (that's where I was for the last 7 years). We've lived together on and off and it's always been difficult. It's that decision to whether to stay as is or start over.

Find a way without him. Really you should have called the police and had him charged last time he hit you. It’s a crime and you let him get away with it.

So you can move out anytime you wish and just get yourself a work visa?

you lived apart for 7 years despite being married

you take 3 hours to pack a lunch

OP, to say your set up in life is weird would be a gross understatement.

Friends…. Any?

He is very unreasonable and it will only get worse. Leave.

The only way to get men to do their share is to go SUPER rigid and unreasonable until they are used to equal labour. Being generous and doing more than your share has only ever made a man expect you to keep doing it.

Until that point they will take the piss because its how they have been brought up by society from the second they are born. But this one seems like a lost cause.

For goodness sake start over. This is no way to live.

He will only get worse and you deserve to give yourself a proper life.

You say you're not a service dog but you literally behave like a service dog.

Get out of there before he baby traps you. And stay single and seek counciling to work through your codependency issues.

If you are German with an EU passport (not clear if you are), why not hop over to Ireland. No visa required and that economy is doing very well. You could fly back and forth from your studio to see him whenever you feel the need to reconnect.

No you don't need 'stronger boundaries'. An abuser attacks boundaries like a bull charges red flags.

You need to get away from your attacker.
The boundaries you need are 'i don't stay with men who hit me'. But that's a boundary for YOU. Not for him.

He belongs in jail. Men who hit women belong in jail. No excuses.

This is really helpful, thank you. I am going to discuss this in my next therapy session (resumed last week) and find a way to have rigid boundaries and see as a last shot if that works for both of us. After that, I'm on my way. My nervous system has had enough.

Comments regarding the time I take to cook - I don't think I'm a very good cook and if I live on my own I usually don't cook at all, I usually don't have the energy. I think I spent a whole year back in Germany off of packaged food because I had a full time job and evening classes. This isn't something I enjoy doing for myself or anyone else. I make a decent amount of money and I am good at that but that's about it.

So because he hasn’t hit you for 6 months you think he is not abusing you? You are a professional person you are entitled to ask for help. Have you spoken to anyone? Do you want to stay in this miserable marriage as it’s better than nothing, promise you it’s not. Nothing worse than being disappointed in someone when you expect more from them.