Is this the script? Mental health an excuse for an affair?

[PatheticDistraction]

I have 4 women close to me - mixture of friends/ family - who's partners/ husbands have all treated them abysmally for 18 months or so, under the guise of being depressed - essentially forcing a break up, when another woman miraculously appears out of the wood work.

I can't bear the lack of accountability. Each woman has been left fretting for their partners' well being - whilst all along he's been betraying her. Is this common place?

A couple who we are best friends with have just split, she had to leave the home they just bought together (for complicated reasons) & is so worried about his mental health, as he's been so low - they haven't been intimate in 18 months & he has said he has mental health issues.

Surprise, surprise - he's been seeing the woman who was his shoulder to cry on. My DH has just been away with a big group & saw them kissing. We all suspected - but this is definitive proof. My dilemma now is- do I tell our friend? She is still worrying for him, checking in etc. I hate it & don't know what to do for the best. I want to tell her - but would likely blow up our friendship group. I know I would want all the information in her shoes, but suspect the advice would be to stay quiet. I also don't want to be complicit in the deceit & hate being around her knowing her DH is with someone else.

Amazingly common judging from many threads I've read on here over the years.

The poor men are so depressed they have to cheer themselves up by sticking their dick into another woman.

Yes

Definitely tell her. My ex did this and I found out a lot of people knew, including my sil who I thought was also a friend. I wish someone had told me.

make a throwaway email address and tell her anonymously? Gives her options and protects your friendship

Sadly I think it would end up being obvious it was me

Just tell her. Nothing worse than realising you were the last to find out

You need to tell her OP, I think you know that deep down.

Wow. I am always the one saying ‘don’t tell’ but yes in this case I think I might, very carefully (face to face, in private etc). They’ve already split up and tbh it sounds almost as if he’s keeping her on an emotional string. What a fuckwit.

Men have been doing this for decades.

Over forty years ago, my first boyfriend did this to me.

I wish someone had told me it was an excuse and he had another girlfriend. Would have been much easier to just hate him and move on.

Thankfully, it taught me a lesson to never believe a word men said.

If she really is your friend, then you need to tell her. Initially, she may be upset with you but she’ll thank you eventually. Rather than her being mugged off now.

You should tell her.

He is making a mockery of her and blaming an illness.

It's is quite common though OP. They want the best of both worlds. To live the single life and fuck around, but also to have someone to fall back on.

My ex pulled the "I'm depressed" card after he first told me he wasn't happy. From what I've read on here since this is classic Script.

Someone I know had an affair. Confessed as had to. Mentioned suicide. Wife separately worried. Said he'd cheated to make himself feel better. Ditched her. Marriage carried on then ended more than five years later over something thought to be unrelated.

Tell her. Kindest thing to do.

Yes tell her, she deserves to know that she’s better off without this lying cheating piece of shit in her life.

Horrible suggestion and selfish.

This is exactly what he's doing - she went back to the house to collect belongings and discuss the logistics of selling up etc & he spent the whole time in tears - saying he loves her to bits. It's fucked up.

I know I need to tell her - I just don't want to create drama.

The man involved is DH's very best friend & she is a very close friend of mine, so I'm sure DH will need convincing this is the right thing to do.

I really wanted him to have it out with his friend & tell him he needs to tell her, but since he's a proven manipulator, maybe I just need to bite the bullet.

She will find out eventually anyway and when she does, it will make it far worse for her to know that you knew and kept it from her. Now you know the only chance you have of keeping your friendship is to be honest. He’s manipulating and humiliating her more and more every day this goes on. He has created the drama, it’s not on you when it all blows up.

You aren't the one causing drama.

Do you care more about saving her pain, or at least limiting it, or about not getting shouted at or hassle from your friends or dh?

He absolutely isn't going to. You need to tell guys friend what you know. If the shoe was on the other foot, wouldn't you expect her to do the same?

Don't clear it with you DH first. Of course he will try talk you out it it, he will be routing for his friend. Just get together with her and let her know what you know. If your DH asks just say it just popped out, but it's best she knows so can move on.

She is being manipulated and misled OP. It is a cruelty perpetrated by her husband. Try and imagine how she would feel, to know not only has her husband belittled and betrayed her, but her so called friends were complicit in the deception.
Tell her, face to face, in a place where she can be in a puddle of tears and no one will notice. Her children don’t need to see her like this. However, if you throw this grenade into her life, you are signing up to support her. She will need someone in the weeks to come who has her back.

This husband cannot have his cake and eat it too.

I would tell
DH to tell his friend that either he tells her or you do and give him a deadline

This!

She’d already have been told if she was my friend.

I certainly wouldn’t be seeking my husband’s agreement.

What he is doing is utterly vile.

And yes it’s very VERY common. I’ve been on here with various names for a number of years and have yet to see a ‘he’s depressed and leaving me’ thread, not end up with another woman waiting.

Please tell her.

She is wasting time and energy worrying about him. What a manipulative arsehole.

Get your DH to tell him to tell her immediately.