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Original poster

Is this the script? Mental health an excuse for an affair?

41 replies

PatheticDistraction · 09/11/2025 12:40

I have 4 women close to me - mixture of friends/ family - who's partners/ husbands have all treated them abysmally for 18 months or so, under the guise of being depressed - essentially forcing a break up, when another woman miraculously appears out of the wood work.

I can't bear the lack of accountability. Each woman has been left fretting for their partners' well being - whilst all along he's been betraying her. Is this common place?

A couple who we are best friends with have just split, she had to leave the home they just bought together (for complicated reasons) & is so worried about his mental health, as he's been so low - they haven't been intimate in 18 months & he has said he has mental health issues.

Surprise, surprise - he's been seeing the woman who was his shoulder to cry on. My DH has just been away with a big group & saw them kissing. We all suspected - but this is definitive proof. My dilemma now is- do I tell our friend? She is still worrying for him, checking in etc. I hate it & don't know what to do for the best. I want to tell her - but would likely blow up our friendship group. I know I would want all the information in her shoes, but suspect the advice would be to stay quiet. I also don't want to be complicit in the deceit & hate being around her knowing her DH is with someone else.

OP posts:
Original poster
PatheticDistraction · 09/11/2025 19:41

DH is going to speak with friend, if he doesn't tell her I will when I see her later this week.

My worry is that he may tell her, but minimise. She loves him so much & has facilitated a brilliant life for him - it's so unfair.

OP posts:
TheHillIsMine · 10/11/2025 09:17

No doubt if your dh does tell her, she'll come to you anyway so you can tell her the whole truth if he hasn't. But I think it should be you as you're her friend.

tapaw · 10/11/2025 09:23

I’d risk the friendship to tell her.

I mean think of it the other way around - she could easily find out that you knew.

I hate people who do this to their spouse. It’s abusive and disgusting. I’m not sure why your DH wants a friend like that anyway. If he’s prepared to do that to his wife, he’ll be prepared to fuck your DH over when he feels like it.

As a society, we’d be far better off if cheaters were actually ostracised or faced consequences at work for their behaviour. I don’t understand where the attitude of “none of my business” or “doesn’t affect job” comes from. It’s a total lack of integrity on the cheater’s part and highly abusive to gaslight their spouse like this. The spouse will need years and years to recover.

tapaw · 10/11/2025 09:24

PatheticDistraction · 09/11/2025 19:41

DH is going to speak with friend, if he doesn't tell her I will when I see her later this week.

My worry is that he may tell her, but minimise. She loves him so much & has facilitated a brilliant life for him - it's so unfair.

And that’s why you should tell her anyway. He will 100% minimise. Perhaps he’ll say that OW was going through a tough time and hugged him, got the wrong idea and gave him a peck.

LovelyUser · 10/11/2025 09:31

@PatheticDistraction , I think I'd have a gentle word with her explaining that you think it could be that there's another woman. You could mention 'the script',and suggest she's on top of their financial and legal matters.

ozarina · 10/11/2025 09:37

I wish someone had told me.

Original poster
PatheticDistraction · 10/11/2025 19:40

ozarina · 10/11/2025 09:37

I wish someone had told me.

I'm so sorry - I was also cheated on in the past & I feel the same.

My only hesitation is jeopardising DH's friendship, but the consensus here seems to be that isn't a sufficient reason.

OP posts:
Flakey99 · 10/11/2025 19:53

Yes, the script word for word.
mental health issues…depression… suicidal thoughts…..

It’s all bollocks of course.

Trouble is they’re so bloody plausible with it.

You sound like a really good friend.

Sadly, in my case the friend couple chose to support the Ex as her DH didn’t have many male friends and she kept telling me they were trying not to take sides.

This was despite the fact she knew he emotionally blackmailed me into having an abortion that I didn’t want, by telling me he was desperately suicidal etc. I only found out about the affair by complete accident after the termination had taken place. Utter bastard!!

She was my best friend but our friendship never really recovered. ☹️

Original poster
PatheticDistraction · 10/11/2025 22:00

Flakey99 · 10/11/2025 19:53

Yes, the script word for word.
mental health issues…depression… suicidal thoughts…..

It’s all bollocks of course.

Trouble is they’re so bloody plausible with it.

You sound like a really good friend.

Sadly, in my case the friend couple chose to support the Ex as her DH didn’t have many male friends and she kept telling me they were trying not to take sides.

This was despite the fact she knew he emotionally blackmailed me into having an abortion that I didn’t want, by telling me he was desperately suicidal etc. I only found out about the affair by complete accident after the termination had taken place. Utter bastard!!

She was my best friend but our friendship never really recovered. ☹️

God, I'm so sorry

OP posts:
muddyboots · 10/11/2025 22:23

The Script was the end of my marriage. We continued to live together (separate rooms etc) whilst we talked about divorcing after his affair. Eventually I forgave him for it...but I could never get over The Script. The lies and the gaslighting were worse than him just shagging the nice woman over the road.

researchers3 · 10/11/2025 22:56

user946372 · 09/11/2025 13:12

make a throwaway email address and tell her anonymously? Gives her options and protects your friendship

Don't do this. It's cruel.

Yes, just tell her, put her out of her misery.

And yes, it's very common. Men are such cowardly selfish shits.

Thewookiemustgo · 10/11/2025 23:05

I agree with a previous poster, tell your DH to tell him that he tells his wife within the next (insert reasonable timescale here), or he does.
He and you have been put in an untenable position by this man’s behaviour. I’d be devastated to know friends knew but didn’t tell me.

Unexpectedlysinglemum · 10/11/2025 23:08

PatheticDistraction · 09/11/2025 12:40

I have 4 women close to me - mixture of friends/ family - who's partners/ husbands have all treated them abysmally for 18 months or so, under the guise of being depressed - essentially forcing a break up, when another woman miraculously appears out of the wood work.

I can't bear the lack of accountability. Each woman has been left fretting for their partners' well being - whilst all along he's been betraying her. Is this common place?

A couple who we are best friends with have just split, she had to leave the home they just bought together (for complicated reasons) & is so worried about his mental health, as he's been so low - they haven't been intimate in 18 months & he has said he has mental health issues.

Surprise, surprise - he's been seeing the woman who was his shoulder to cry on. My DH has just been away with a big group & saw them kissing. We all suspected - but this is definitive proof. My dilemma now is- do I tell our friend? She is still worrying for him, checking in etc. I hate it & don't know what to do for the best. I want to tell her - but would likely blow up our friendship group. I know I would want all the information in her shoes, but suspect the advice would be to stay quiet. I also don't want to be complicit in the deceit & hate being around her knowing her DH is with someone else.

Yes tell her but also tell her about the script and how common this is so she’s less wounded

Mapleunicorn · 10/11/2025 23:28

user946372 · 09/11/2025 13:12

make a throwaway email address and tell her anonymously? Gives her options and protects your friendship

Please don’t do this. Someone did that to me and it was awful. Didn’t help me in the slightest as I had no context of who was telling me

TennisLady · 11/11/2025 06:38

Kidsgotothatschool · 09/11/2025 16:44

She’d already have been told if she was my friend.

I certainly wouldn’t be seeking my husband’s agreement.

What he is doing is utterly vile.

And yes it’s very VERY common. I’ve been on here with various names for a number of years and have yet to see a ‘he’s depressed and leaving me’ thread, not end up with another woman waiting.

Edited

This.

Sadly with those types of threads you get lots of posters rushing to believe the DH is depressed but those of us who have been through this betrayal can tell all the signs!
Please do tell her. It’s awful when you find out that everyone knew and didn’t tell you.

Purplecatshopaholic · 11/11/2025 09:43

Please tell her. It happened to me and I so wish someone had spoken up. I was so worried about him, and all the time he was cheating on me.

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