I (26f) have just found out I am 5 weeks pregnant. It was unplanned, I was on birth control however I was also taking some medication that I admittedly did not read the side effects on which was that birth control may be defective while taking. We were trying before starting contraception but I said I would be going on birth control for a set period to avoid a 2nd/3rd trimester pregnancy or having a newborn when we wed which my partner agreed with.
I will be due to give birth 7 weeks before the wedding. So it is still early days but me and my partner (36m) are already arguing what we should do about the wedding. I have been planning this wedding for 1 year, I have put a lot of savings into it to set us up financially for those big monthly costs to be reduced at his request and of course intentionally was on birth control to stop this exact situation from happening. He said he wants to either cancel the wedding entirely to then revisit in 5-10 years or keep it exactly as it is. I want to move it by 8 - 15 months.
He has said his reasons are financial and the fact we have already committed to the date. We can cancel and say goodbye to our money we have already put down or keep the date and deal with it. He only took into account that we only have £4000 left to pay off in eight months for the wedding which is doable on our current salaries but doesn’t realise, despite explaining, we WILL need to save for the baby’s arrival and that we will need to buy all baby items and spend money on preparing a room in our house, not even taking into account a buffer fund for when bills are higher than normal or if we are hit with an emergency, like the boiler breaking, house repairs, baby proofing or needing to replace things like furniture.
I don’t know if I will physically be recovered within 7 weeks to have a whole day where we are the main attention, I must have a dress fitting and measurements taken 12 weeks before the wedding date which I will be in my 3rd trimester unless I pay extra to put a rush on it on top of alteration costs but again don’t know if I can pop out a baby and be measured in the same week due to not knowing how I will be physically. I could still be bleeding upto 8 weeks after birth, could end up having a c-section, I won’t have enough time to lose baby weight to fit into my already brought dress even without it being fitted, I won’t be able to have a celebratory drink if I’m breast feeding and I don’t want to parm my child onto my parents and his during their first wedding of any of their kids. If baby is only two months old they will need more shielding from illness and sickness than a 1 year old and his logic is we will give our guests without a role shifts to watch our child which I don’t like the thought of not only for my child’s health by interacting with so many people in one day but also I don’t think it’s right that we expect our friends and family to have to leave our wedding for an hour long shift of holding our child, soothing them, changing nappies or feeding them.
And I don’t want to cancel it either as I have put down money on this wedding from my savings and have been the person who has dealt with all the vendors, booked everything, planned the perfect honeymoon, did all the running around and dealing with people on questioning every decision I make. I’m not losing £4000, £1500 of which is my personal money that was meant to be used for a new car but was convinced to use to help pay off the wedding prior to us finding out we were expecting, when I already have spoken to our venue and honeymoon agent and can get things moved at minimal additional cost (I’ve been offered 10% of original prices on top for changing dates as both venue and honeymoon have been generous given the circumstance instead of 10% and additional admin fees and charging us extra for a weekend date or for any perks we had for free as I waited for deals to roll in before booking ) and that would allow us to save for our baby and still pay off the wedding in full if moved by 8-15 months, we may be slightly indebted before the wedding but I again have additional savings that can help with this and estimate in a worst case scenario we would be indebted by £1000 by going off higher end prices within my research. I will need to check other vendors aswell but have a good feeling as plenty of them are saying they have openings for 2027 dates but will need to check before saying for definite. I luckily earn commission within my job so while I will only be on less than £1000 for maternity pay and child benefit, I will still earn commission and office bonuses while on maternity which can range from between £200 - £1000 extra a month, whether this is taxed I don’t know.
He says the wedding is materialistic and we can marry in 5-10 years if I am so set on pushing it back. I always knew a child would be his number one priority over a house, pet, holiday or wedding if for any reason he had to choose between them but I thought he would be understanding to my financial justification and just how I feel about wanting my wedding I have worked hard to put together and not let the money we have already spent (which is higher if you factor in our honeymoon) go to waste. He has tried to convince me I will be fine to carry on life as usual quickly after the birth as he has spoken to two women about how their births went but I unfortunately follow medical advice and don’t want to take a chance on potentially not being okay physically or mentally. I was in the NICU when I was 6 weeks to 12 weeks old, I was perfectly healthy in the womb and upon birth but caught an infection and do not want to risk going through anything like that with my child while also facing a fast approaching deadline of my wedding.
Please tell me your honest opinions and what you would do in this scenario, I will admit my decision making is mostly financially driven and with my health and babies health at the centre of reasoning but I do not, selfishly, want to give up my special day because of it or cancel entirely and lose the money that is already out of our pockets. I could be convinced if I knew we were getting at least a 80% refund on the total of the wedding and that would be enough for baby essentials and thrifting any big items we would need and would just need to save up a buffer fund for any unexpected bills which is doable in 7-8 months without a cost of a wedding looming over us but I feel we are at a stale mate.
I don’t know if it’s worth mentioning but I had made the suggestion when I first found out that we explore all options and he said termination was not an option he would consider and would put our relationship on the line, I accepted knowing this was something we were worried wouldn’t happen given us previously trying but i said would really want the wedding moving simply due to it being too soon after I give birth, which he agreed and is why I spent time researching our options and speaking with our big cost vendors so this has taken me by surprise.