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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

please help - need to make an impossible choice

28 replies

tobefree · 07/06/2008 05:23

HI -
It's a really long, long story. But - In Feb I asked DH for a separation following years and years of emotional abuse (apparently he didn't realise what he was doing) and prolonged unemployment. His first response was that if we separated I would never see him again.

So, decided to give it anouther go on the proviso he got help. Which he has done and which has helped with the constant anger - but he is still critical, negative and self serving.

Anyway - after a great deal of soul searching I came to the decision that he really just makes me completly miserable. I don't even want to be in the same room as him etc etc. So last night asked if we could talk about our relationship and am completly gobsmaked that he is adament that it is all or nothing.

Essentially - he stays, or he goes. If he goes however - he will refuse to see the children or have anything to do with us at all.

To be honest - any respect I had left for him is gone - how can he even think of hurting his children like this? I did ask and he said it is about his self preservation and that he needs to look after himself.

So I find myself faced with the prospect of a very unhappy marraige which makes me miserable and teaches my children nothing about a good healthy relationship. Or telling the kids (10 and 8) that their father who they love - what - what would I tell them? I can't see them hurt so much - a separation woud be bad enough but with positive parenting we could muddle through - but this is just a horrible choice.

Help.

OP posts:

escape · 07/06/2008 05:36

i don't think there is any option.
HOWEVER i have seen a number of relatives live all their lives as you envisage yours - their Kids turned out the same - Save your own life - and therefore your Kids too

queenrollo · 07/06/2008 07:37

that is hard......but i couldn't bring my child up in a home with such an obviously selfish man as their father.

How much of what he's saying will he stick to? i'm wondering how much of it is just him trying to emotionally blackmail you into staying in the relationship, because he does sound controlling. If you do seperate, would the reality of not seeing his kids at all make him change his mind do you think?

HereComeTheGirls · 07/06/2008 07:43

I think he is also trying to control you and make you stay. Although his pride could make him go through with it if you left, which would be terrible and very much his loss.

However, IF you do leave him you must never never ever blame yourself because it is HIS choice if he doesn't see his children,it is in NO WAY yours, although he is trying to make it so!!!

ssd · 07/06/2008 07:45

what an awful man (and I use the term lightly)

what a bad example you will show to your kids if you stay with him

think of your children first and make him go, you are doing them no favours staying with him

OverMyDeadBody · 07/06/2008 07:47

Call his bluff.

He is emotionally blackmailing you into not leaving him, by using the kids like that.

Leave him. If he's any sort of decent father he will still see his children and have a relationship with them. If not, he's not much of a father anyway so it will be his loss, not theirs.

You don't need to tellthe children much at this stage.

But I think you do need to leave him. For your own happiness.

PortAndLemon · 07/06/2008 07:48

What sort of relationship do you and your children have with his parents? Would they provide a constsnt presence in your children's lives, or even put a rocket up him for being such a git?

I don't think you have much option, though -- he's critical and negative and has shown you how selfish he can be. It's no life for you and not a good environment for your children.

OverMyDeadBody · 07/06/2008 07:49

HereCometheGilrs has also made some very good points.

How he decides to react to you two splitting up is his responsibility, not yours. He is a grown man and capable of acting in a mature responsible way, it's his choice if he doesn't and in no way your fault. Remember that.

laidbackinengland · 07/06/2008 07:49

I agree. I think at the moment, he is trying to call your bluff. If/When you do separate, I think you might find he changes his mind. If he doesn't, you could continue to encourage contact and make it clear to him that you want him to have a relationship with the children (i.e. write formally from a solicitor), so that when the kids wonder why daddy isn't seeing them, it can be clearly shown that it is not you preventing it.

Good luck with your choice.

OverMyDeadBody · 07/06/2008 07:50

You are not faced with am impossible choice if you put yourself and your children first. As you said, you don't deserve to spend the rest of your life miserable and your children don't deserve to see their mother in an unhappy situation when they are growing up.

miffymum · 07/06/2008 07:51

You poor thing. He is being completely poisonous. I think you have to call his bluff though in the hope that he wouldn't / couldn't stay out of his children's lives in that way.

My DP's parents have a really destructive relationship and have stayed together - the result of which is that DP and his sis suffered by them staying together and the atmosphere of misery / fear in the house. DP wouldn't even speak to his parents and hadn't seen them for years when I first met him as he just wanted out of that situation. I don't think there's a way to win here but I do think there's a possibility for your children to grow up in a positive, happy atmosphere which ultimately will help them and you.

Anniegetyourgun · 07/06/2008 07:59

Emotional blackmail indeed. It is his choice whether he sticks to that threat. If he really cared that little for the children nothing would stop him walking out of their lives forever some day anyway. FWIW I don't think he has any such intention. He knows what upsets you and is using it to put you back in your place; using your own goodness as a weapon, which is sheer wickedness. Been there, the T shirt is in the wash. It was when XH started using the children in the blackmail games that I knew leaving him was the right thing to do. If your old man is anything like mine, if you do call his bluff it will actually take dynamite to move him out...

ALMummy · 07/06/2008 08:00

What a horrible person.

You know why he is doing this. He knows your children are the most important thing to you so he is using them to keep you in line. My DH can and has been a real arse - we are trying to work through our problems now - but the one thing that has made me think that my relationship might be worth saving is his complete and unwavering devotion to his children. What sort of man or person for that matter says he has think about himself as the most important factor when discussing whether to have relationship with his children. Do you think he means it? Personally I would get out of a relationship with someone who felt about his kids like that but only you know what really is going on with him under the surface. I feel sad for you and your kids, he sounds like a real pig.

EffiePerine · 07/06/2008 08:01

Call his bluff. He is being an arse. What happens if you stay in the marriage and he walks out anyway?

OverMyDeadBody · 07/06/2008 08:05

Take control and call his bluff.

Tell him in no uncertain terms that it is over. Be strong and be firm.

What he does after that is his responsibility and his problem. If he cuts the children off he's an arse and they're better off without him anyway.

BoyzntheShire · 07/06/2008 08:05

'fraid i reckon he has to go.
escape said it first; save yourself, and your children follow.

savoycabbage · 07/06/2008 08:12

He is trying to control you and blame you for the children not seeing their father if you don't do what he wants. You can't take responsibility for what he would do after you have split up. It sounds like your life and the lives of your children would be much better without this oaf.

charlottesmum5 · 07/06/2008 08:46

I was with a man like this for 13 years. He told me that if I left him, he would never see us again, or he would take te children so I would never see them again - the relationship dragged on for another 5 years as I was scared of his threats.

He is probably calling your bluff - emotionally abusive, manipulating, bullying, controlling men will do this.

Call his bluff too - say yes it's over. If he chooses to never see his children again then that's his loss and on his conscience and up to him to explain to them in 10 yrs when they come looking for him.

You and your children will be better off without his influence in the house. We only have one life - make the most of what is left in yours.

Hugs xx

littlepinkpixie · 07/06/2008 08:55

This is a control thing. If he is really that selfish that he means what he says then they probably wont lose out by him going.

MuthaHubbard · 07/06/2008 09:58

Like charlottesmum5, the first few times I told my H I wanted to separate, he made a few threats re taking the kids, me having to move out etc. Things limped along for 6 or 7 months until something inside me just clicked and I knew I had to do it for my happiness and (hopefully) that of our dc.

All the above where empty threats.

I must admit the worst part was telling my son (13). He was a obviously upset to start with but then when we chatted frankly he said that he would be okay with it, if it made me and his dad happier people to be apart then we would all be fine. My daughter (5) took it totally in her stride. They see their dad as often as possible.

But I can't describe the feeling of relief, a weight being lifted, etc, when I actually took that last step and told him it was over.

I am so much happier, I no longer live with a man who was uncaring, unloving and almost spiteful towards me. I didn't want my dc growing up thinking that was how an adult relationship should be.

And H also said he's happier than he has been for a long time!

Put you and your dc first. You'll never regret it.

savoycabbage · 07/06/2008 12:38

bump

girlnextdoor · 07/06/2008 13:53

I think he is talking nonsense- when you leave him does he really want never to see his kids again? No. it's emotional blackmail. Call his bluff and move on.

BobDowne · 07/06/2008 14:51

tobefree - that could have been written by me 3 years ago. Exh threatened everything possible to stop me leaving, including moving abroad and never seeing the kids again. I tried to carry on in the marriage, but after another 6 months realised it was going to make all of us miserable. He hasn't carried out any of his threats, but it has been hard. He still makes threats about whatever he can, and he hasn't moved on yet. I think i made the right decision to leave though, the kids seem much more relaxed and so am i.

Original poster

tobefree · 07/06/2008 16:56

Thanks all so much.
I know what needs to be done and you are all right - it really is his decision and his problem.

Still can't help feel like a total worm - but will get over it - and the kids would be better without him if he simply cannot see they need üs both. I would rather he was not around than use the kids to hurt me and destroy them in the process.

He has no family or friends - do feel bad for him and how this must be hurting.

But cannot forgive this. Time to move on - wish me luck. Thanks again.

Mwah

OP posts:

NotABanana · 07/06/2008 17:11

Tell him to go.

He is no father to them.

Feel really sad for you all.

He is an idiot.

ProfessorGrammaticus · 07/06/2008 17:29

Don't let him blackmail you - he probably won't stay away (a lot of men say this, they don't usually do it). He is trying to get you to back off, I think - ie trying to control you.

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