At wits end

[tryingtocarpediem]

Last night our 18 year old was really winding us up to the point of ‘just leave the room’ and he wouldn’t do as we asked. Dh and I both riled but I’m not shouting but loudly saying. Leave the room. Dh flips and shouts, tells him to F off several times. Calls him a nob and various other names. Charged him out of the room while angry and swearing. It was just awful. My other child comes out telling him to stop swearing and shouting. We are all shell shocked by his out burst. I went to my room after. I don’t go back to talk to him as he’s so defensive and it’s guaranteed to be another shouting match. I text him to say he needs help and he was out of line but he disagrees and doesn’t see any of it. It’s just so unbearable. I suppose I’m writing this down to just get off my chest and for some confirmation that it’s all a bit mental.

Im sure I will be shot down but youre telling an 18 year old to leave the room ???? An 18 year old thats winding up a situation and not doing as requested?

If you think thats a suitable punishment, im not surprised your DH snapped.

How is your DH with conflict normally? Does he often shout? If so, then absolutely this is a dh problem.

Wow!!!! You are talking about an 18 year old. From my experience this is normal behaviour especially for a male of this age. It's a bit like commanding a cat to march to the tune of the drummer. It's not going to happen.
Your DH needs to do a parenting course to understand how to deal with teens. He must have a very short memory because he was a male teen once.
I'm not an expert of course but I bought up my boy on my own. He's now 44 yrs old and he is just gorgeous. Doesn't drink or do drug, has a qualification which supports his steady job and is happily married. We can have normal adult conversations. When he was 18 years old I never thought it would turn out so well.
Unfortunately you have to get over the hump, don't confront him, he will turn out fine.

Your DH's behiour was not acceptable. But it does sound as though he is absolutely at the end of his tether with his DS.
Is your DS generally causing problems in the home? Because focusing just on your DH's behaviour last night seems to be taking the focus off the behaviour of his son that caused the argument.
It sounds as though the three of you should be sitting down and discussing what happened and working out some rules for behaviour in the home.

My son is generally a really good person and I totally get it’s a teen thing. I’ve done a parenting course. I would have dealt with it by consequences. If he doesn’t do as he’s told he can forgo any money he wants or any driving around until he does as asked (obviously I’ll pay for his life essentials still).
He just wound us up and I needed him to go away. My husband can’t manage his stress and just exploded. It all escalates really quickly. I get raising your voice but telling your kid to F off and name calling is not ok.

I also went back to my son after and talked about how his behaviour was unacceptable. He’s never to do that again. Explained and said life will be made hard for him if he can’t do as requested.

My Dh believes he was fully justified in his behaviour and he was standing up for himself.

Wow!!! Second time.
Your son didn't wind you up. You both allowed yourselves to be wound up.

Not sure I follow you. How would you handle it?

Your DH was absolutely in the wrong! I have a DS of a similar age and I would not tell him to F off, charge at him and call him names. Imagine how that felt for DS. Yes, his behaviour could absolutely have been better but DH needs some anger management, that is not ok!

It reads as though your son was being a fairly typical 18 year old male, and the situation would have dissipated fairly quickly. But you know how your DH deals with things, so you were keen to get DS out of the room asap before things blew up. Son didn't leave and your DH predictably blew up.

While an 18 year old needs to learn how to behave like an adult, it sounds as though your husband is the problem. He's meant to be the adult in his relationshop with his son. But he made things much worse.

Plus, how can your son learn how to be a decent adult if that's the example his father shows him?

Is your husband often shouty and angry?

Yes he is.

I wouldn't have tolerated that bullshit from my 18 year old DS. He would have found himself looking for a new home. It sounds like your DH has had a gutfull of this over time and just lost it.

Do not use stress as an excuse for your H's behaviour here.

I am certain your H can manage his stress perfectly well when he is at work and would never dream of talking to his work colleagues like he barked at your son yesterday. And why are you with a man who is often shouty and angry?.

I haven’t said what my son was doing. He was being a pain, yes but does that justify a grown man name calling and swearing at him. For the record he’s not quite 18 yet.

I have no idea Attila at this moment in time.

So your H kicked off at his 17 year old son. Ok so the 17 year old was acting daft but his behaviour did not warrant such a response from his father of all people. He is supposed to be setting his son an example as are you as his mother. His father would not swear at his work colleagues even if they did stress him out.

I would give that question I asked you some more serious thought.

By the way was your father himself angry and shouty too?.

Not shouty, no. It’s ok for people to be angry but it’s how you express that. Aggressive is not ok.

It sounds like after years and years of no boundaries permissive parenting, your DH finally snapped at the manchild you have produced. Parenting courses and all that are useless when dealing with an adult, he’s not 8. That ship has long sailed. He now needs to learn how to adult the hard way. He needs to move out, get a job, and learn how to behave like a responsible adult, a lesson you should have prepared him for over the years.

It could well get him beaten up or stabbed if he did that to a random in the street. You might want to talk to him about his behaviour and his own safety.
Many people are on a short fuse these days.

Some people are so judgemental on the site, it’s honestly laughable. Perfect parents with perfect children who never, ever put a foot wrong. OP - ignore the judgement. DS is 17 - the prefrontal cortex (responsible for decision-making, impulse control, and long-term planning) isn’t fully developed until around 25yrs old in adolescent males. DS is allowed to be annoying sometimes!!

DH was completely out of order with his response in the situation you’ve described.

Thank you Swan song. He’s not stupid enough to be rude to strangers to get himself stabbed. He was being persistent (not diagnosed but I think mildly autistic but for years we though it was adhd but Camhs never deemed him bad enough) he doesn’t let up even though it and it makes sense and seems fine to him to act in certain ways.

No one would get the chance to call either of my sons a nob.

Would watching the John Lewis Christmas ad help 🤔

Your DH was in the right, your son needs to learn not to be a twat.

You’re right he does need to learn but should I shout in his face and call him a fucking idiot and Nob head. I doubt it…