Would you stay friends with an ex if you’re both in new relationships?

[Alyah]

A friend of mine was talking about this recently — she’s still on friendly terms with her ex, and they meet up now and then just to catch up. Her new partner isn’t very happy about it and says it’s not really appropriate once you’re in a new relationship.
She insists it’s purely friendship and that cutting him off feels unnecessary since there are no feelings left.
It got me thinking — can people genuinely stay friends with an ex without it causing tension, or is it always a bit of a bad idea once new partners are involved?

Yes definitely! As long as there was no cheating / horrible behaviour then I’m quite happy staying in contact.

I'm still mates with my ex we dated as teens both have kids he's single I'm married he's 42 I'm 38 we went Blackpool other day watched k pop in cinema went out for our bdays I stop at he's house ( share bed) nothing else were just really good mates we have sleep over with he's daughter and my daughter

Well it wasn't for me or hubby both cut ties with exes and moved on..i just think it's odd

Your married partner is ok with you sharing a bed with your ex? Is he/you now gay?

Are they meeting one on one or in a group?
30 minutes for coffee or holidays together?
Did they break up years ago or weeks ago? How long were they together?

I think that you can be friends but the devil is in the details.

The important thing about your friend's situation is that her current partner isn't happy about her meeting up with her ex.
If she cares about her current partner and it is supposed to be a serious relationship then you would think she would prioritise his feelings and stop contact with her ex.

The situation that @bobcat1987
where her H is apparently happy for her to spend her birthday with her ex, go on dates with him and sleep in the same bed as him sounds more like an open marriage than a monogamous one.

I think it’s important to be clear on your boundaries. I had a partner who attempted to stay friends with the ex. It didn’t work out, they were never friends in the first place so trying to make a friendship out of their breakup didn’t work. I’d never be part of such a shitshow again. Fine for some people I suppose, but not me.

No. I met my ex for a drink in the early days of my relationship with DH, just to catch up and see that he was OK.
I came away thinking no good could come from us being friends. Fundamentally he's someone who I had huge sexual chemistry with, and I wouldn't want that to complicate my relationship with DH, so I never got in touch again.

No

Does your husband know you shared a bed…if this is real!

Generally I think the current trend to "stay friends" often leads to trouble in future relationships. I think its best avoided. Just break up and move on.

If you were friends before being a couple then after some time has passed then yes I think its Ok to be friends again but only if both parties have no feelings anymore. But you need to prioritise your existing relationship. So no referring back to the time as a couple and being respectful in terms of how and when you communicate

I think this depends on a lot of factors.
Were you friends - actual platonic friends - before becoming a couple?
Are you part of a shared social circle that inevitably leads to staying in contact?
Are there children that are keeping you tied to each other?

It also depends on what your definition is of being 'friends' with your ex.
Co-parents have a very good reason to spend time together because it allows their children to celebrate important moments with both parents together.

I think it's important to respect the partner you have - on the condition that they aren't extremely jealous or insecure. If you don't have a very good reason to stay friends, then they have every reason to expect this contact to be limited.

Every relationship is difficult if they mutually wanted to end it / it's been long enough that spurned lover has moved on etc then why not? Who doesn't he trust? Why does he think his gf would be unfaithful? I stayed mates with my ex into my new relationship, he came to my wedding. Last time I saw him he was with his be partner and is have hugged him hello and chatted but it was just as you were allowed to go out in public not not breathe on anyone. I'd he invited me for coffee tomorrow I'd go, I'd tell hubby and is judge him if he had an n issue with it

I separated from my husband in March this year and I have a new partner. Since separating I have been to see my husband on his boat a few times and we have had lunch out once. He even asked for my advice when it came to dating! I was with him 33yrs, and I still care about him, but there is nothing else there.

My new partner doesn't like it, but he accepts it. He said at the beginning he thought it was weird, but he knows I have a big heart and that I care about others - and he gets it. However, I haven't spoken with my X much lately, so I think we will naturally just drift apart.

DP and I both have friends who are ex's. At this point, its been at least 20 years since we went out with any of them so it's not something that really gets thought about any more, they're just our friends.

In the early days we did tend to set some unspoken boundaries though naturally. Didn't tend to hang out with an ex one on one, no activities that are too datey (so grabbing a McDonalds fine, candlelit dinner not), and not talking too much about our past relationship, especially not in front of our partner.

With those rules in place, there's never really been an issue.

I wouldn't be ok with someone I was in a serious monogamous relationship also having one on one dates with and meeting up to catch up with their ex. I'd be out of there.

If it was a semi new relationship, I wouldn't get serious if they were still meeting up with their ex and would likely let the relationship drop.

This does not mean co-parents. But I very rarely dated men with kids.

Your friend can decide who she wants to see, new partner or ex because if new partner is unhappy with her still having a relationship where she's meeting up with ex, NP is not going to stick around much longer.

I think it depends on the relationship and how/why it ended.

One of my closest friends is technically an ex. We were friends for 10 years. Everyone kept going on about how it was inevitable we'd end up together. The only people that didn't see that was us. After a chat, given we both had disastrous love lives, we decided to give it a go. It lasted a month. It was downright weird kissing. The closeness was had, and still have, did not convert into physical attraction. We both took it as a lesson in not giving in to peer pressure!! He and DH get on well.

My best friend has an ex she couldn't possibly stay friends with. He didn't want the relationship to end. Even years later if their paths cross he has a constant need to make comments and little 'in jokes' as if trying to prove to the whole room that he knows her better than anyone. She's now happily married with three children, but he still spouts that one day they'll "drift back together". Her husband, quite understandably, does not enjoy it when they're in the same company (only on odd occasions now).

No one should prioritise someone else's feelings if they're irrational and jealousy-based. No one should prioritise their partner's feelings if that involves curtailing their personality or individuality, including their friendships.

There's no one-size-fits-all rule for exes and it's really stupid to pretend there is. Some splits are acrimonious and you wouldn't want any contact with them anyway. Some splits are amicable and there are no romantic feelings left, and it makes no sense to give up a good platonic friendship just because you didn't work as a couple. Some splits do involve lingering romantic feelings and in those cases keeping in contact tends to be a bad idea.

Personally I think exes are usually the people there's the least to worry about. They've been there, done that and had the opportunity to keep doing that - if they wanted to be together they would be. Exes usually know there's a very good reason they're exes.

I am but it's under very specific circumstances

He was my rebound from my first love. Me and first love broke up and I jumped straight into dating this guy. We'd been friends for years and got on really really well so I sort of thought it'd work. After a couple of weeks we both realised we really were just friends and broke up amicably, staying friends.

He's one of my oldest pals now, 17 years we've been friends and he's on my very short "ride or die" list. I'm married, he's married, he and my husband get on famously, I went on holiday with his wife this year and I adore her. The boundaries are iron clad and there's absolutely no room for any doubt on either side.

Well i agree with you that " no one size fits all"
Yes it depends on the nature if the split and the nature of the continuing contact.

Tbh whether the the man the pp shares her bed with is an ex or not that seems like a step too far imo if she is supposed to be in a monogamous marriage. Even if sex doesn't take place the intimacy of sharing a bed with another man tramples on the boundaries of marriage.

I think being friendly with someone you went out with when your were 19 & now you are 45 and just happen to live in same area is fine.

Breaking up with someone, moving on to the next person, and still keeping in touch is a bit odd i think, unless there is a genuine tie such as kids.

I’m friends with several exes. I’m a very low drama person, but also have very good boundaries. Dh and I have been together 17+ years, so these are exes from 18-25 years ago. They are nice people and there’s no weirdness there. I’m even friends with ones now wife and Dh and I went to their wedding!

But I live far from where I used to live now, so our communication is simply online, birthdays, kids’ birthdays or celebrations, chatter about common interests, sending condolences when parents have died, etc. I don’t think I’d meet up with any of them now, or at least not without good reason, though I did years ago.

I think it’s fine as long as it’s all respectful and well above board. I have no interest in touching any of them with a barge pole. Dh knows that and I suspect they do too. 😂

Me and my ex and both our spouses are all friends. We even attended each other's weddings. I do think the reason this works for us, though, is because my ex and I are both very different people now to who we were when we were together so it's almost like I'm friends with a different person if that makes sense. I look at him now and see a friend and not an ex.

Probably not - current gf is one I would hate to lose as a friend but it depends how it ended. Not friends with anyone else from my past though.

I have remained friends with ex’s so it’s a none issue for me.