Does anyone else feel like they’re carrying 90% of the emotional load at home?

[Nanase]

I’m just trying to see if this is a common thing or if I’m actually losing the plot.
I live with my partner and our child, and I’ve noticed that I’m the one who remembers everything. Not just the obvious things like appointments and school stuff, but all the small constant things—what size clothes the child has grown out of, when we’re running low on toothpaste, which family member we haven’t called in a while, what needs cleaning, who’s having a rough week and needs checking in, etc.
My partner helps, but it’s usually only when I ask, tell him, remind him, or make a plan. And the reminding in itself feels like another job. It’s like I’m the “manager” and he’s the “assistant,” and I don’t want our relationship to feel like that.
Sometimes I just want someone to notice things without me pointing them out. To think ahead. To see what needs to be done and just do it. I don’t need perfection; I just want to feel like the responsibility for holding our home and family life together is shared, not sitting on my shoulders alone.
I don’t want to nag, and I don’t want to feel resentful, but I can feel the resentment creeping in lately, and I hate that.

It’s called the mental load, welcome to motherhood.

Just 90%? I wish.

Nope.

It’s very common and often the death knoll to relationships. Men acquire a wife , women acquire another child who has to be managed.
Yet somehow they achieve dominance in all issues of politics and world domination. But can’t recall the clothes sizes of their own children. 🙄
Start assigning responsibility now.
Sunday eve meets to talk through who does what.
It’s often a follow on from maternity leave where you do it all.
Sympathy and solidarity as you are not alone.
But firstly, his family are his responsibility so you can stop that for a start. Missed family birthdays? It’s on him.

I just shared this on another thread. You have the wrong coffee table.

https://www.youtube.com/results?search_query=magic+coffee+table+and+laundry+basket

This was also shared https://www.huffpost.com/entry/she-divorced-me-i-left-dishes-by-the-sink_b_9055288

This has been my life since the day I became a mother.
This does not get better.

There's a study on happiness levels.
Men are happiest when they're married.
Women are happiest when they're single.
If marriage was something that benefitted women, they would have already found a way to make it illegal somehow.

There's a whole male loneliness epidemic going on with men because more and more women are choosing to be/stay single.

100% in my house because I am the single happy mother.

No

I carry 100%

Just the way I like it. Single parent. Queen of my domain!

At least 90% of mothers carry the mental load I imagine

Me too

bliss

I suppose from his perspective he’s bringing in 100% of the family income (I was in your other thread)

which family member we haven’t called in a while
who’s having a rough week and needs checking in

These are not household jobs. These are things you can choose to do or not do, and he's not obliged to share that "load".

Family member? You handle yours and let him handle his. If he hasn't called someone in his family for a while, it's not on you to manage that for him. Let it go.

Who's having a rough week outside the household, I assume? Isn't that just called.... being friends with people? I don't consider it a chore. If I'm snowed under with my own life I don't consider it an obligation either. I also don't require any help with it. If I don't have time to ask a friend how they're doing it's not something I pass on to DP to do for me.

t’s very common and often the death knoll to relationships. Men acquire a wife , women acquire another child who has to be managed.
Yet somehow they achieve dominance in all issues of politics and world domination. But can’t recall the clothes sizes of their own children.

It's cause an effect. Men don't have all this other stuff going on so they have more space for the world domination.

Just like so many women in high powered careers will admit that either they ahve someone at home taking care of this stuff OR they are almost always more exhausted, more burnt out, working harder than their male counterparts becuase they have to keep it all going on, all the time.

I’m carrying 100% and then people wonder why I am not in the mood for their shit.

I don’t have anyone at home, beyond my partner who I expect to do his fair share of all variations of household/family load.

In varying degrees, it's part of being Mum and it will never change despite how hard Instafeminism wishes it would, unfortunately for us

Another single Mum here, 100% feels a lot less when you aren't having to manage the impact of a man baby too...

I have seen this happen to friend and family. Although I do think about hings more I made sure front he start we were as 50/50 as possible

Without kids we always halved cooking and cleaning. I told him from the get go my families birthdays/presents/days out were my responsibility and his side of the family was his. I don't get involved on the planning around his side.

When we had a child I had 9months off and he had the last 3 months alone. I needed him to understand how hard it was being at home with a child and I didn't want to always be the default parent. One of us drops off the other picks up. We share bath time/feeding responsibilities aswell as bedtime. We have a shared family calendar where appointments etc are put. I usually do doctors etc and he does school related bits and will tell me when parents evening is.

Getting up on the night.. he goes out to work so will do any waked between 9pm and 12pm. I then do 12-6am and he will be up anytime after 6 to get her breakfast and get ready for the day before I take over about 8am. I work until 4pm so have more downtime.

It's not perfect but it works well for us as there's no way I was taking on man child!.

I haven't seen the other thread, but are you financially independent OP?
It's a really bad idea to be dependent on a boyfriend if you're not independently wealthy.
Does having this bloke around enhance your life? That's the sole reason to be in a relationship.

Yes it's very common.

I gave up on men when I worked out that having a man living in the same house as me was the same as having an additional part time job (withouth the pay).

It was 99% in my case. ExDP was mostly like another child but much more badly behaved than our actual children. Note the ex.

That's great, and is how it should be. But the chances are your male peers overall probably have a partner who does MORE than 50%. And if not, that's brilliant and perhaps a sign things are finally changing. I certainly havent seen much sign of it where I am and I'd say that I work with a lot of men who, compared to the men I worked with 20 years ago, are WAY more involved and engaged than before. They're still not really doing 50% though.

Are you on mat leave op with your first child? It does change things a bit if the assigned roles in your household are 1 person money, 1 person everything else.

Yes and we are now in couples counselling, the mental load being a major factor. I allowed it to continue for far far too long and resentment well and truely set in. Nip it in the bud as soon as you can is my advice.

My husband said he just assumed I was happy taking care of it all so didn’t think to ask (what a treat for me). Then said “all you need to do is ask me to help” - I shouldn’t need to ask, that’s just adding another thing to my list of things to do - I may as well do it myself if I also have to remember to remind you to do something!! Sigh.

Yep though my OH works a lot more hours than me so I do have to carry the majority of the load. As the kids have gotten older, I’ve started delegating more and more eg he is responsible for all healthcare appts and sports clubs for one child. It took a while to get into a routine but it’s working.

I’ve also had to say before that if he insists on infantilising himself, I would have to find someone else because I don’t want an extra child. And I mean it.