Does anyone else feel like they’re carrying 90% of the emotional load at home?

[Nanase]

I’m just trying to see if this is a common thing or if I’m actually losing the plot.
I live with my partner and our child, and I’ve noticed that I’m the one who remembers everything. Not just the obvious things like appointments and school stuff, but all the small constant things—what size clothes the child has grown out of, when we’re running low on toothpaste, which family member we haven’t called in a while, what needs cleaning, who’s having a rough week and needs checking in, etc.
My partner helps, but it’s usually only when I ask, tell him, remind him, or make a plan. And the reminding in itself feels like another job. It’s like I’m the “manager” and he’s the “assistant,” and I don’t want our relationship to feel like that.
Sometimes I just want someone to notice things without me pointing them out. To think ahead. To see what needs to be done and just do it. I don’t need perfection; I just want to feel like the responsibility for holding our home and family life together is shared, not sitting on my shoulders alone.
I don’t want to nag, and I don’t want to feel resentful, but I can feel the resentment creeping in lately, and I hate that.

Are we married to the same man @Rainbow898

tell me what I need to do. Errr no you have eyes and a brain please use them.

also in couples counselling 🤯

Do you work part time, full time, on maternity, sahm?

Sahm of a 3 year old according to her other thread, which also started and then when didn’t get answers wanted, shuffled off without a response

Oh 😂

well in that case OP yes if you’re doing 90% of that stuff then that’s fair. That is what you’re home to do.

What about the financial load? No one really suffers if an adult misses out on a birthday card but you can't survive long without an income.
I wrote about my two grandmothers on the other thread. One grandma had six kids and worked as a hairdresser. The other had four kids and was a hospital laundress. They both worked very hard but would have laughed at the work involved in keeping a tally on mental load. My grandfathers worked hard and one in his spare time from manual work, built a house for his wife and children.
It seems wrong today that women don't take responsibility for financial contributions. Some women never really go back to work after children even when said children have left home. The number of economically inactive women is increasing. The Government is trying to encourage women back into the work place. I am not sure they would count remembering extended family birthdays as a job.

Both my grandmothers outlived their husbands as do most women. You could extrapolate from that statistic that mental load is good for women’s health (joke). However, it doesn’t seem to do women any harm in terms of longevity.

I'd say I only carry about 60% of the load but that's ok as I only work part time.

Earning the household's money is quite a hefty mental load, to be fair.

Yeah, that’s exactly how it feels sometimes. Like another job you didn’t apply for. I don’t want to give up on the relationship, but I’m starting to understand why so many women say this. It’s not the tasks themselves; it’s the constant responsibility of noticing and remembering everything. It’s exhausting. I just want it to feel like we’re both adults running a home, not me quietly managing everything in the background.

I do actually work a bit outside the home too—just part-time, a few shifts here and there. It doesn’t cover much financially, but it’s something. So I’m not just home all day every day doing nothing.
I get that the majority of the house/child stuff will fall to me while I’m home more; that part makes sense. It’s more the mental load of having to remember and manage everything on top of it. That’s the bit that’s wearing me down.

I do part-time.

Then I think that’s fair that you’re doing 90% if you’re working part time. Your DH is mentally carrying the workload and the financial side of things, which when you're the one that falls to that is also a lot to carry.

Really, I'd say it was the other way round (women marry men hoping they will change, men marry women hoping they wont) - men typically dont see the mental load as an issue because they want to problem solve IF it becomes becomes a problem. Woman tend to drive the idea of having children which makes life so much more complex - I dont think men consider having children and/or what extra work this will entail until the child arrives...

Yep. My husband wants us to go and see a musician that he really likes ... 4 times I've asked " have you booked those tickets?" He has now.

This.

DH is not lazy. If I announced I was off for the weekend with girlfriends he wouldn’t hesitate to say ‘enjoy’ and have the kids alone (and I do). If I wanted to do a hobby and announced I would be out an evening a week, he would be fine. But he only deals with immediate needs - kids that need feeding, bathing, taking to the park. He’ll put a wash on. He’ll walk the dog.

What he doesn’t do it think ahead - it’s like if a problem hasn’t obviously and immediately presented itself, it doesn’t exist. He doesn’t book Christmas activities. He doesn’t declutter clothes and toys. He doesn’t buy clothes in advance of the seasons - I have coats, hats and gloves sorted by October. He doesn’t organise birthday parties. He doesn’t make weekend plans. He doesn’t arrange play dates. He doesn’t contact family with regards to when we will next see them.

He was arguing the other day that he does exactly half, and I said ‘Ok, what have you organised for Christmas then?’. His mouth gaped open like a fish, while I reeled off the 7 or 8 things I have already done to prepare which have to be done now and not later (like booking very popular local attractions and school nativity tickets). He took my point but nothing will change.

Exactly Ticklyoctopus - I don't view that as a problem however, that's just the way things are. If we boiled down a relationship to a formal division of labour with clearly defined KPIs and such then I don't think many men would bother in first place (I wouldn't). I think a healthy balance is somewhere in-between - I have friends where both parties are mega organised - but it bores me to death hearing about how inflexible things are because of this (it takes over, e.g. they can't have a quick ad-hoc drink or two because they have a Tesco delivery). No one ever died due to a birthday party being planned on the hoof.

Only working part time then realistically most of it really should boil down to you to be fair as you have more time on your hands if he is working full time. Single mums have to do both so two full time jobs. Such is life.

Yes, you're right.