AIO

[Tired26]

I’m literally going crazy. I have no idea how I’m feeling, just keep replaying the conversation over in my head! Beyond mad at him!
Background- been with partner on and off for 33 years but back together for 10 year straight! No infidelity! Partner goes to a family funeral in another country, he has lots of family flying in from his home country and other countries for the funeral so the family homes are quite busy with aunts and cousins etc. Anyway on a video call with him, he mentioned that he has to share his bed with a female for 2 nights (she lives in the country he went to), I asked who was the female and he explain that it was a cousins adopted daughter (not an official adoption just was taken in by his cousin at a young age) female is now a grown lady in her 50s (just a bit younger than him) he has known her from they were kids and he said they used to play together when they were small! Then he goes on to say that she moved to a different part of the country and had 3 kids herself, he then said he asked her “how comes you moved and had 3 kids but never gave me nothing” and her reply was “you never told me you was interested, you went back to your country, if you was interested why didn’t you call” I now feel that at some point over the time they must of been interested in each other for them to have that conversation and they have now made it clear to each other they were! Friends think I’m being silly and have said if that was the case he wouldn’t have told me about the conversation! And they think he was just bantering as he is a wind up kinda guy! I’ve feel like I should ask questions. 1. Who was there when this was said, as if it was in front of his family it’s disrespectful as they know we’re together and I talk to them all. 2. Was it just said between him and the female? If so where? As they shared a bed for two nights, I’m now crashing out that something may have happened with them sharing a bed.
I messaged him and said “I don’t get why he was comfortable to tell me about sharing a bed and the conversation between him and this female, he sent back 😂 a laughing face. I’m now not talking to him unless I really have to, even then my tone is cold and I come off the phone as soon as possible, but he is being his normal self.
What’s everyone’s take on this? Thank you!

Is he usually so lacking in consideration for your feelings OP? He thinks it’s funny that you have concerns over this and that’s the best he can do?

This interest that they had in each other, was it before you and your partner met?
Is she in a relationship?

Maybe talk to him rather than sit worrying about this.

It sounds to me that he’s being gaudy and smug towards you.
As in, “ I’m sleeping with this woman I fancied years ago, what are you going to do about it ?”

He’s disrespecting you publicly. There is a high probability he’s had sex with this woman.

He's expecting you to “ talk” to him ( ie do the “Pick Me “ dance)

I’d dump him like a ton of bricks ! There would be no negotiating as I’d have instantly lost interest in him! Mega ick factor !

No he isn’t normally, he is a jokey kind of guy though and from his actions since the phone call I don’t think he realises I was serious.

when he was explaining who she was, he said she was just a friend he knew from when they was young, didn’t mention any interest, we have had loads of conversations over the years about exes, people we’ve liked but never pursued etc so we are quite open. But I’ve never heard her mentioned. I don’t know if she is in a relationship or not.

I wish it was that easy 🙃 he’s not back until Thursday and I don’t want to start with the 21 questions as soon as he walks though the door.
But a conversation is definitely needed.

its not really a pick me thing, we live in 2 different countries and he hasn’t been back to this country for 15 years and I doubt he will be going back for another long while!

Thats another thing, you have literally disrespected me in front of your family…

He is seriously telling you he " has to" share a bed with another woman?
There must be plenty of other alternatives before he " has to " sleep in the same bed as her.

Was the floor not available? Seriously.

Seems that way, maybe the floor was like hot lava 🤦🏼‍♀️🤷🏻‍♀️

Doesn’t seem to be 🤷🏻‍♀️

He does seem to be getting some gleeful joy out of telling you this... a joke is a joke, but this seems deliberately disrespectful when you've made it more than clear that you don't see the funny side.

A talk with him when he gets back is definitely what's needed, but in the meantime I suggest you give some thought as to what you would like to get out of the conversation and what a satisfactory resolution would look like.

Wishing you all the best.

Thank you

how comes you moved and had 3 kids but never gave me nothing.

you never told me you was interested, you went back to your country, if you was interested why didn’t you call.

So this asshole wanted you to know that he was flirting with a woman from his past and would be sharing a bed with her??

@Tired26, I would be livid if my H, away for festivities, announced plans to share a bed with another woman and then divulged their flirty acknowledgment of fancying each other in the past. It is disgusting that your H actually initiated the conversation with her and then goaded you with a laughing face when you took issue. He wanted to upset you, knowing that he wouldn’t be back for days.

None of this would be happening in my marriage and it shouldn’t be happening in yours. He is making a mockery of you in front of his family and in private with this woman you’ve never even heard of. He is getting a buzz from unsettling you.

@Tired26, I would be exploring my options and telling him to stay elsewhere when he gets back to town on Thursday.

@Tired26, my apologies for typing marriage instead of partnership and festivities instead of funeral.

I can not believe your friends think you are overreacting. It’s actually very common for cheats to hide in plain sight and declare the situation and conversations they got in.

But whether he’s cheated or not is secondary to his much he has disrespected your relationship and the lack of empathy, thought and sensitivity he has shown towards you.

Romantic relationships should leave you feeling safe, your replaying is because you do not feel safe and he has put you there.

I don’t think this is funny, I don’t think he’s a funny bantering kind of guy, I just think he’s nasty.

Why does he HAVE to share a bed with her? Surely there were other options.

Sorry but I'm not believing that he's staying with family , and the sleeping arrangement includes two cousins being put together ( opposite sex ) to sleep in the same bed .
Can you call a family member to query it ?

He’s definitely staying at his families house, that’s confirmed. The sleeping arrangements are suss because if she was an actual cousin I could understand, things happen, but she isn’t “a real cousin” so no blood relation. She is just someone who was taken in by his family member at a young age. So it’s just disrespect by him

This is my problem

No problem it’s fine. 😊

This is exactly how I feel! It’s the complete dismissal of how I was feeling when I messaged him. The hurt of the conversation they had and the sharing of a bed. All seeds planted by him.

No doubt he’ll be coming back to you all smug and self important and ready with gaslighting answers to your questions.

Find your anger, OP. Tell him you've lost interest in him and send him off to a hotel.
Certainly don’t agree to sex with him in case you catch something off him.

Cheats lie and tell you what they think you want to hear. Are you going to fall for it ?
Surely, he has now destroyed your trust in him ?
That’s aside from the equally important issue of his contempt and disrespect for you.

Just Edit to add that whether he did or didn’t sleep with this woman is irrelevant. He was keen that you knew he was interested in her and he set out to make you feel insecure and shit. Not a good man. He’s not worth it.

My take on it is that you don't seem to have a voice in this relationship.

That’s the be all and end of it. Why did you share a bed with another woman! Whether he slept with her or not is secondary to this.

No worries there he won’t be getting nothing from me either, I’m to ignorant for that. Whether I stay with him really depends on his actions now.

Not only do I have a voice, it’s bloody loud to. I just choose to have this discussion when his home and in front of me, rather than him being 1000s of mile away, where he can choose to not answer his phone or hang up. I need to see his face when asking questions.

Ok then. Btw did you say up thread that you live in two different countries? Did you mean you are from two different countries? If you do live in two different countries how often do you spend together and is it always him that comes to you?

No we live together, we are both from the same country! He just has family in a different country and that’s where he went.