How do you know when love has gone from a marriage ?

[Rainbow898]

I’ve been married to my husband for almost 20 years, both late 40s. We have children and day-to-day life is currently stable after a recent confrontation in which separation was strongly considered on my part. Since then DH has been putting in much more effort to help me, be more involved with family life, be supportive & communicate better.

However for years before this, things weren’t great. He was emotionally distant and dismissive, and I often felt unseen and under appreciated left carrying the mental load which built up a lot of resentment and distance in me. Now that he’s trying, I can see it and I do appreciate it, but Im struggling to feel anything romantic anymore.

There’s no anger, just a sort of flatness and physical affection feels awkward for me, like something I feel obligated to do rather than because I want to do it. I keep wondering if this is just emotional burnout that could recover with time, or if it means the romantic love has gone?
I care about him very much as a person, but I just don’t know if I’m still in love with him which makes me sad.

Has anyone been through this and found the feelings came back once trust and connection were rebuilt? Or did you reach a point where you realised it had changed for good?

I don’t have anything to add except I’m so sorry and know exactly how you feel. Guess I’m here for the same answers myself. I know how hard it can be so thinking of you.

He stopped being my best friend, and stopped sharing his feelings with me.

I don’t like to be the doom monger but it’s often the gradual erosion of love and respect, the lack of any intense emotion, that can be hardest to come back from. When it’s been grounded away over a long time, it’s not easy.
And for sure, intimacy without desire can be worse than none at all and will do nothing to build back any positive feelings. I hope others may be able to post things that have worked for them, but this is not something I’ve experienced: You’ve both got to want it the same.

You fell in love with the person you thought he could be.
You fell out of love with the person he's shown you he is.

You can't forget what you know. You can't pretend not to know that he's spend years and years not caring about your happiness. Doesn't matter that he's suddenly started to do better. You know deep down that he's not doing better because he's suddenly started caring about you. You know he's doing better because he doesn't like the alternative where you leave him and he has to take care of himself.

When someone sees your suffering and doesn't feel a drive to do better, but they do feel that drive when they've been put with their back against the wall, then there's nothing genuine about these changes. And you just know that as soon as he sees the chance, he'll go back to his old ways.

And that's why you no longer love him.

yes

You fell in love with the person you thought he could be.
You fell out of love with the person he's shown you he is.

OMG this is so true.

Unfortunately I can't offer anything positive about staying- I left my husband over a year ago now and I've never been so happy and fulfilled.

I felt like we were just completely coexisting for about the past ten years to be honest. I should have left him earlier but was waiting for my youngest to get to a decent age.

I could have written this myself, although mines is a 5 year marriage known him for 7. But literally same feelings 😢

I've got a toddler and I'm being encouraged by some to think of him ans the situation he'll be in before I consider leaving my partner. If you could go back in time would you not wait for your youngest to become older?

I always thought that you can fall in and out of love over a long relationship.

Personally for me I did it at the right time to be honest I don't think if I went back in time I would do it any earlier.

I am 55 now and established in my career so I've been able to buy my husband out of the house and continue things for my children who are older now two of whom are adults.

So I guess I kind of sacrificed that part of my life but now I feel like I can really enjoy myself and I'm looking forward to the next 20 years.

there might be something to this, but it might also be a bit unfair to decide that he's only making changes now for selfish reasons.

it's entirely possible that he realises that he's taken you for granted, and hasn't valued what you bring to your family as much as he ought.

many people are guilty of just getting comfortable with the status quo, without actively questioning whether it's benefitting the people closest to them, or even benefitting themselves. habits are hard to break.

You fell in love with the person you thought he could be.
You fell out of love with the person he's shown you he has been recently.
You could fall back in love with the person he decides he wants to be.

it is definitely possible to rebuild emotional and physical connection and intimacy when it's been lost.

what you need to decide is whether you truly believe the changes he's made are for the benefit of you both, and your family, rather than just his own comfort. and if so, are you also willing to work towards getting back to a happier partnership.

the only way to do this is through open communication by both of you, sustained effort and patience.

(if you still feel like there's something worth salvaging from your perspective.)

For me in a similar length relationship it was death by a thousand cuts. In the end there was nothing he could have done to bring back the feelings he’d eroded for years.
If he’s trying now, then great. But you can’t forget the years he took you for granted and that will irrevocably change your relationship. You could spend more time together and rekindle a romantic relationship or try counselling. But it will take both parties to put the effort in. For me, when I was done it was over. It may be for you, or not. Only you can decide.

Once that switch is off I don’t think there’s any going back

A fire doesnt start without ignited passion.

Beautifully put - I feel like this too - doesn’t mean I don’t care a lot still but yep certain actions meant I fell out of love

@Girlmom35what a fantastic response.

This is EXACTLY the stage I am in with my husband. I can't do it any longer. Together for 26 years, living together defacto for 25, married for 18. I have a 10 yr old and a 17 yr old. When 17 yr old is finished with senior and 18/19ish I am out of here. That gives me close to two years to save, plan and build friendship with coparenting him and strengthen outside support networks. Be strategic. If you are sure it's done then plan, plan, plan before you leave.

That's really sad and I'm sorry that has happened.
I had a horrible time in my marriage where I felt like that from my wife.
I would always ask her how her day had been and the answer just became "alright" or "busy"

My wife is my best friend. And I get excited to tell her new things all the time. Even if I know she will not be remotely interested. I just can't help it.

It did become like a heartache knowing she did not feel the same and slowly I lost the butterflies I felt and the excitement to tell her anything.

We ended up just existing and it felt like part of me died each day she would say "alright" or "busy".

It took a lot and there were some really big and really hard things to get through but I never not once gave up on my wife and now we are doing so well. She tells me everything about her days again and all the thoughts and worries each day brings. I tell her about my day and when i'm excited about something and she has that smile back when I talk about something really geeky in my work that she has no interest in but can see my excitement and that makes her happy.

Before that. When we thought we were done. I had written a letter to her explaining how i felt and my understanding that it was over. As communication had got that bad.

This is how i ended the letter.

--

But then in the quiet, in my love for you is also the need to see you happy. To know that your not sad. To know you feel alive and forfilled. There is the sense of peace waiting for me when you feel joy.
And thats really big too. You are my best friend after all. Who wouldn't want their best friend to be happy? I do.

There comes a point where the flame has burnt so low that rekindling is virtually impossible, no matter how you may try, it reaches a point where it’s not as if you even argue anymore, there is just a constant nothing, living in the same house because it’s convenient and it’s not that you actually hate each other, that would actually make it easier to move on, you just don’t love each other or want any real relationship/ intimacy anymore because it’s really just not worth the effort to be constantly pushed away/ ignored

I fell out of love with first DH.

We married too young and grew apart over 15 years.

Ober a couple of years i tried a few times to tell him we needed to work on it and try a bit harder. I was ignored.

For the final 2 years of us being in the same house i had openly given up and became more and more distant - no physical contact at all.

It was only when i met someone else and was honest and told him (bound to happen i was still only early 30s) that he suddenly started to make this big fuss about marriage being important and love and trying again and working at it. Sound familiar ?!?

Well sorry that ship had sailed! I left.

I think once the spark has gone and you've thought about it and tried and they've responded way too late then it's dead in the water.

It's not your fault. Sorry OP 💐

There is life after a split though. I'm very happily remarried (17 years 😊)

Thank you all for the replies, I’ve read every one and it really does help to hear different perspectives.

It’s sad though how many others seem to be in the same position. I guess it shows how common this kind of disconnect can be💔

I honestly do think something has switched in him and he is really fighting for this marriage now but I just can’t seem to be able to bring myself to match his energy anymore. It’s a real head vs heart situation where my head is saying stay as it’s the easiest option and it’s not “that bad” but my heart feels done.

I feel, and this is just my opinion as I am in the same boat, follow your heart. I feel like if you did leave and you become much happier that is fantastic, or maybe leaving will make you realise hold on I do want to be with him. But I feel like staying as it is an easy option may not be the greatest idea xx

@Girlmom35 has it exactly right. Same situation here, and although he’s been trying for the past 6 months 8 can’t get the feelings back unfortunately. We are splitting up. I’m not interested in someone that only tries when you say you’re leaving personally. It’s very sad as I do love him, bet he’s eroded the trust and intimacy not me. Therapy helped me pick through my own feelings, and boundaries I’d need to set in the future to avoid this happening again.

I feel it's the classic 'life gets in the way' issue. Compared to younger years you probably have bigger/better jobs, more responsibility, challenges like elderly parents and grandparent, deaths, all the logistics of kids.... so the other person is at the bottom of the pile.

I hate the phrase date nights, but it's important you put each other first at times and make them feel wanted and like the most important person.

I believe this is right too.

My PILs have always lived "for the kids/grandkids", and never really made time for each other. Their marriage has been pretty miserable for a long time now (for this as well as other sometimes related reasons)

My DPs are almost the opposite - they've always held that as long as their relationship is a good one, and they're both happy and fulfilled, this is a positive environment for me/sibling, and a strong model for us to follow.

It's arguable that sometimes they prioritise themselves a little too much, but I get it's a fine balance to strike.

DW and I started off heavily influenced by my PILs (we married very young, and spent much more time with them), and our marriage became very difficult as a result - we both had periods where we felt extremely unseen/uncared for.

As we've got older, with more exposure to other marriages among our peers, we've redressed that balance much better. We always make time/space for each other - even if it's over text through the day because other commitments take over.

Our marriage is much the stronger for it.

It also helps when the kids get older and are less demanding on time/energy - but you still need to consciously reconnect with each other - it doesn't happen automatically!