Clare’s Law

[charlielou90]

Hey, please no nasty comments, I’m asking for advice, I did a Clare’s law on my daughters father, as one of his ex’s told me to. I didn’t think anything of it. But obviously went through it. And just now I’ve had been to the disclosure information with the PC! And oh my god I burst into tears hearing everything that was told! He’s never once lay his hands on me, or even been horrible, he does raise his voice though. But what I just told I’m in so much shock! But when I asked for it on email or sent to me by post she said I’m so sorry I can’t do that due to the information that has been told and Incase I share it. Which I never would knowing how dangerous he now is!! But how do people actually get the information as proof?? I wanted to show my mum so she’s knows everything. My house has now been put on priority for the police to come if he was to ever come to mine with a weapon!!
I’m so upset and shocked.
The PC officer I was talking to said I wouldn’t even mention to him you’ve done a Clare’s law because of how dangerous he is you never know what could happen. So I said I agree I will NOT tell him.
Anyone been in this situation? X

I asked what she meant by harmed and she said “drove his car in to his ex’s house” causing harm to his ex and his ex’s child, no prison was mentioned x

@QueenClinomania "Talk to women's aid for advice how to handle him. They will have the best advice."

This is good advice.

You said you wanted to tell your mother, but it seems that you felt you needed proof of what the PC said to convince her. Do you have a good relationship with your mother? Is she supportive to you?

Yes he has raised his voice at me before, I’m not sure with his ex’s though, I was to stunned to ask questions, he’s even stalked their houses, there was 10 or 11 assaults but was all dropped by the people who made the reports. This is what is confusing me, I said why were they dropped and the PC said “could be his ex’s were scared to go ahead and make a full charge on him” as he’s a dangerous man x

I am very close to her yes, but I wanted to show her evidence as it was a lot to take in for myself, i literally just have my mum to talk to , no one else im pretty much on my own. X

Hi OP
You've had helpful advice from others so sorry to pick up on this small bit, but you're not allowed to share that information with others (ie your mum)
I think you will have signed something to say you acknowledge that, and that sharing it publicly could get you into trouble.

Perhaps consider just telling your mum that you have found out through the police that he has been violent before to others, and that you can't share anything else.

You could create a log of important dates, when you met him, when you broke up, any incidents that might be useful in the future, any messages he sent which are abusive or insulting - screenshot any WhatsApp messages in this vein in case he deletes the chat/messages.

Also contact the NCDV as they might be able to help you with a Non Mol but these are usually only granted where there has been violence or threat of violence and likely future violence. Unfortunately if he hasn't actually been violent to you this might not work for you, but it is still an avenue you could look at and at least record your concerns.

I'm so glad Clares Law is working well.

Ohhhh wait….. I didn’t know I couldn’t talk about it to my mum. I did ask the PC about showing evidence but she didn’t tell me not to tell her? But yes I did sign something to not post it, which I don’t think I have on here. I’ve kinda kept it hush. Just wanted some advice. As I’m so in shock x

OK, good to hear.

He sounds extremely dangerous. I strongly advise to call women's aid and perhaps also talk to the police about how to protect yourself and DD from him. It's good that he's not on the birth certificate but bad that you're in such close proximity. Is it possible to stay elsewhere/find another place to live?

The stuff she told me about him I wouldn’t ever believe if it came from someone who knew him / me! It’s still baffles me.

and I will look into some where else to live.

https://www.paladinservice.co.uk/

This is really helpful - personally, I would discuss all this with a professional first .And ask for advice how to protect yourself and your daughter and your wider family. Anyone driving into a house with a partner and a child inside sounds like a family annihilator and is exceptionally dangerous.

Thank you! I will look into that. X

It's OK to post about it anonymously here. Just don't put any details that could identify you or him.

And as PP said, "just telling your mum that you have found out through the police that he has been violent before to others, and that you can't share anything else."

You can tell your mum you have been shown evidence that he is an exceptionally dangerous man and you are doing everything you have been advised to protect yourself and your daughter. Any mum worth their salt will believe you without you needing to show evidence or explicitly state it was through Clare’s law.

Get the support you need and protect yourself and your child from him. This must be such a shock but you are absolutely doing the right thing.

"The stuff she told me about him I wouldn’t ever believe if it came from someone who knew him / me! It’s still baffles me."

Yes, it's for this exact reason that Clare's law was created. No one would think that these superficially charming, even normal-seeming men are capable of such devastating violence, and they move from one victim to the next, and get worse and worse. Deep down, men like this hate women and/or project their own self-hatred on women. They have no self-insight, they feel like victims, they are extremely misogynistic, they have a lot of self-entitlement and rage. They are incredibly dangerous.

Thank heavens you found out now.

His parents likely know at least some of this stuff but will have largely heard only "his side" (men like this never ever tell anything close to the truth) and they were wanting to rationalise it as being "an exaggeration", or "she's jealous and wants to get my boy in trouble", or "she's crazy". The misogyny of men like this often starts at home. So yes, his parents are absolutely not safe for you or DD either.

Are his parents rich?

OP, you have posted a few identifying details here. For your own safety, you should report your own post and get this thread removed.

Driving a car into your partner and child's house is fairly rare I would think. x

Actually, you are right! Ahhhh sorry I’m just in a panic and shocked! I will report it now. X

If you still want advice or support from us, you can make a new thread that does not reference any specifics.

@charlielou90 can I ask if the offences and issues were recent - in which case yes take precautions as advised.

or is he now in his late 40s and these happened in his late teens and he’s never been in trouble since kinda thing?

Maybe that explains why you’ve never seen a hint of this behaviour? Or you’ve been lucky… mind you you say an ex told you to check him out so maybe it’s recent.

regardless - I wish you the best of luck. I had to take drastic measures when I found out about my exs history when I was pregnant many many years ago ago and I know how heartbreaking it is contemplating navigating a relationship / coparenting with someone when your eyes are opened to them.

Hey, well there was an awful lot in 2018 and 2023! Which has shocked me, because he’s obviously been cheating on me that I didn’t know about in 2023! But thinking about it. Makes sense now, as he did go quiet alot, and “spent time at his sisters” I’m guessing his ex has just found I have his child and is now helping us find out what he’s really about?

i donh want to say to much…. He’s early 30’s! X

Block him on everything and don’t engage with him any further. Protect yourself and your daughter. He knows what he’s done, you don’t owe anyone else an explanation.

You know what’s weird, he blocked me on instagram and facebook I think last year it was, because apparently he didn’t like the likes I was getting on my pictures, but now I’m thinking , maybe he was hiding me incase someone came forward to me.
oh I don’t know it’s all confusing and really upset me about everything he has done! I do wish I could tell you all, so you know how I feel. X

I appreciate that you couldn't ever have known or suspected that he was violent if he never showed those behaviours to you, and that must be a terrible shock.

But you have said he shouted, snatched his phone out of your hand, 'went quiet' for long periods and disappeared (under the pretence of spending time at his sister's) during your relationship and now sees his daughter 'only when it suits him'? To be honest, there are already quite a lot of red flags there - obviously not ones you'd expect to see leading to violence, but certainly things that would not make me think he was a lovely guy.

If someone listed those things to me about a man, I wouldn't assume violence, obviously! I would, however, think they were not a nice bloke at all and I wouldn't feel they were a lovely, fun person to be around. I'd think they were a total prick. I definitely think you can raise your bar for what you consider to be a good man.

Regarding the awful, awful things you've now learned about him - my god, that must be a horrendous shock and I hope you've got enough support. It's understandable that you're confused about his Jekyll-and-Hyde character too - but I think some people are capable of being a cheerful, fun sort of person with everyone except their actual partner. If he isn't your partner and he doesn't live with you, I'm wondering if the things that typically trigger his horrific behaviours are things that simply haven't arisen because you're not together and while you were actually dating he was in fact busy stalking someone else and saw you as a fun distraction rather than his property, which I imagine is how he saw his other girlfriends.

You say he sees his daughter 'only when it suits him' which to me suggests that he currently has everything his own way. I suspect his violence/aggression may well be the kind that surfaces when he doesn't have things his way all the time, and that's really worrying.

FWIW, my ex-partner was also 'the most happiest, fun, chatty man ever' to most people - and before we actually got together seriously, he was like that to me too. It was only once the relationship was serious that he became abusive, and only after we actually lived together that he became dangerously violent.

He likes to have lots of women on the go at the same time, and he is very secretive. Classic controller.

He's also used to intimidating and terrifying women and getting away with it. That means he'll keep doing it and it'll get worse.

Have you had dates or relationships with other men since you split up with him? What was his response?

It's important that you start building your support team: your mother, women's aid, police, so that you feel strong and supported enough to figure out and take the steps you need to take to get yourself and DD away from him safely.

And I’ve been stupid all this time to realise.

I’ve not been on any dates, relationships, or even spoken to another man since me and him start talking “4 years ago” I’ve kept myself to myself. My social medias are pretty boring I can’t lie haha, I don’t add loads of people or anything.

I’ll definitely be talking to my Mother about things, and looking into other things.
his parents want to see the little one this week and now I don’t even think I can trust them, they always come see her, never miss a day or late to see her, they come once a week. And have done since the day she was born. I just don’t want to see them, surly they would have known about all this? Or am I thinking to much now x

"I’ve not been on any dates, relationships, or even spoken to another man since me and him start talking “4 years ago” I’ve kept myself to myself."

That's likely why you haven't seen his mask drop fully yet.

Men like this want to own women, like objects, and the more women in their harem the better, because it makes these freaks feel "better" than other men. They also like owning children, for the same reason.

Because this ownership props up their very fragile self-esteem, these men are very violent when their ownership is threatened by other men, or by women rejecting their ownership of them.

I imagine that every time he was violent with the other women, they were rejecting his ownership ie they wanted to end the relationship, or they were challenging him in some way.

That means when you end this situation - where he can pop over whenever he wants to check on his property and make sure no other man is sniffing around it - he's going to lose the plot.

I know you're really shaken and need to process what you've heard today, but I strongly recommend you get together with your mother and call women's aid as soon as possible. In the meantime, you should act as normally as possible.

But predators like this are often VERY quick to smell disturbances in the wind and can act very badly very quickly. He in particular will be waiting for something like this, he knows this stuff could get back to you, that's why he snatched his phone from you. If you can't handle seeing him or his parents, or think you won't act normally with them, then maybe you should say you're not well, or someone in your family is not well - something plausible that gives you some breathing time to set up your ducks.

The more I hear stuff like this from you lot is making me think more about him, like oh yes he’s done that, done this, and now it’s all coming together. Wow! Seriously it was sickening to hear what the Officer was saying, to the point she looked at me and said “are you ok would you like me to stop”

and it’s even more crazy why all these ex’s and other others he’s hurt / assaulted when all that have never taken oh further!

oh yes you are right I will make an excuse this week to his family and say I’m not feeling well because I know I will not be acting like my normal self.

oh I’m so glad you ladies have let me talk out and have helped me today! So thank you all! X