Would you reconsider your marriage over this?

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DH has said that the dominant people in mental health institutions are the result of Pakistani cousin marriage. Obviously this is untrue and some kind of racist talking point he's picked up. He also keeps banging on about immigration and the cost of hotels. I don’t share several of his political beliefs, but didn't think he was actually racist, until now.

I don’t have the headspace to deal with this, as I’m in the first six months of a new job and need to focus all of my efforts on that (as well as the kids, parents, house etc.)

When he said it, I was busy with other things, so other than me saying, "That's clearly not true" we haven't discussed it. He can tell I’m out of sorts, but I’ve said there’s nothing wrong, as nothing good can come of us talking about this, and I don’t want it to derail my working week.

What would you do? How do I bury this for now and stop this thought running around my head, which is essentially “F*&%, I’m married to a racist”?

We’ve had an endless sh*tshow the last few years - illness, death, financial woes - and I thought things were on the up. Why does he have to come out with this bombshell now, FFS?

Yes. It is a racist statement because it is wrong. It doesnt necessarily mean HE is racist. He could just be wrong. People are so quick to condemn nowadays. If he said people who marry their cousins are more likely to have children with health problems - would that be racist? What about if he pointed out that people who marry their cousins in the Uk are more likely to be Pakistani?

He's entitled to have his own opinions, other people may not see them as "crackpot".that's just my opinion.

Some of his mates support space exploration.

@Charliede1182 you are correct - people talk about red flags on here a lot , but a big issue is quite often by the time the red flags are flying you may as you say have a lot of ‘entwined’ arrangements in place - be it kids, houses, businesses etc - it isn’t that straight forward in lots of cases just to say ‘well f* you, I’m off’ - people change and it can be 3 years down the line, it can be 30

@Tralalalama when I did nursing training back in the late 80s, I do remember my placement on the secure psychiatric unit for6 weeks ( asa nurse- not a patient) and both another nurse and a psychiatrist mentioning quite casually that the amount of Polish people they had in with schizophrenia was very high and out of all proportion to the number of Polish people living in the area - it wasn’t meant in a racist way, it was meant more in an interesting professional observation way and none were sure why this was the case. I do think sometimes observations can be made by people who aren’t racist without a racist agenda, more as a societal observation - I do think it very much depends who the observation is made by though and if they genuinely are always negative about anyone non British or certain religions/races etc

My issue is largely with his clear racism, but also with the fact he has no critical thinking skills. He clearly hasnt done any research or clarified any of these beliefs, so he was just glancing over headlines and accepting them, probably because they already matched his beliefs. The marriage would be over for me. Get your ducks in a row and be savvy before he works it out, just put up with it for now

Well I wouldn’t like my husband to express views like that but it would be a ridiculous thing to consider divorce over.

OP - I think you need to focus on your job, kids, etc. You've had difficult events to get through in the past few years, and people often deal with those by re-directing their pain somewhere else. As it seems to be happening to him.
I don't think he turned into some evil person - I think he is most likely just worn down by life and in venting/raging in a mis-placed sort of way.
Not sure this warrants divorcing. Try ignoring?

Cousin marriage among Pakistani as main reason for MH hospitalisation - is obviously something he heard somewhere that is so obviously wrong. I am sure he'll get off that horse all on is own as common sense will win out.
As to immigration in general, and specifically usage of hotels - it is a far more complex issue. And one does not have to be racist to consider it an issue.

The gaming console needs to go. That's a start.

You yourself have said you don’t have the headspace to deal with it. Fine, but then I think it would be silly to reconsider your marriage without taking the time to sit and have a proper conversation with him to understand where these views are coming from and what’s going on. His issue with the cost of hotels used for immigration is not a racist one, so i’d say by giving this example, you’re also guilty of a lack of careful consideration in your thinking. Many people have issues with this for logical and practical reasons.

You're a bit dramatic !

What is true is that in certain parts of the country Pakistani cousin marriage is very common and due to the close genetics of both parents there is a disproportionally high number of disabled children and children with learning difficulties. That’s not racist, it’s a fact

He may not be wrong about the MH hospitalisation actually. There are very high levels of depression and poor mental health amongst first generation Pakistani women in the U.K. This is particularly common when women come over to get married and are often lonely and isolated and have low levels of English and are less likely than women born in England to be in paid work. If you then add in the increased risk of them having children with additional needs it makes sense that in some areas they may be the largest group accessing mental health support. We also know that culturally they’re least likely to look for that support so by the time they do they’re more likely to present at a time of crisis. Your husband may well not be coming at this from a racist angle

It's fact that children born of consanguineous marriages (first cousins) have twice the likelihood of stillbirth or birth defects as other racial groups.

Sorry, wrong thread!

I talked to our resident Schizophrenia researcher, who had some fascinating things to say about this. At least, I found them fascinating!

"I can't find any particular data to support that claim, but here are a few possible reasons off the top of my head:

1. Schizophrenia is more common among migrant groups generally. Migrating to a new country is inherently traumatic, which increases risk of schizophrenia. This is especially bad for any groups that also experience discrimination, isolation, or challenges assimilating in their new country. I don't know if that is the case for polish migrants in the UK, or why it would be worse than for other groups, but it is possible.
2. Poverty is also a risk factor for developing schizophrenia. Poland isn't the poorest country in Europe, but it is poorer than many others so that might contribute?
3. Along the same lines, poor maternal nutrition can be an additional risk factor. Obviously, people from lower socioeconomic backgrounds are more likely to be affected by that.
4. There might be a particularly large Polish community in that part of London that could be warping the perception of doctors, particularly if it is just an anecdotal increase.
5. If substance use is higher in that population for some reason, that may contribute.
6. Cultural differences might shape how symptoms present, which might lead to British doctors diagnosing schizophrenia when actually another related disorder might be more accurate. Possibly UK doctors are less familiar with Eastern European cultural differences compared to other parts of Europe? This happens a lot in the US - black Americans are significantly more likely to be diagnosed with schizophrenia and less likely to receive diagnoses like depression and bipolar.

But really, I'm not completely sure why a pattern like that might emerge. As I say, I can't see any data to support that specific pattern. But we only have a fairly loose understanding of the causes of schizophrenia anyway, so it could be any number of other factors.
After all of that pondering, I think the actual reason is probably just the simple fact that people from Poland make up the second largest European migrant group in London. The three largest groups of European residents living in London based on the last census were from Romania (175,991), Poland (149,397), and Italy (126,059). All other European groups were between around 26,000 and 78,000 people. So it actually isn't that unexpected that the doctors would see a higher percentage of people from Poland compared to other European countries.
They may not be properly accounting for the actual demographic make-up of London. I had no idea that there was such a large Polish population there. But it could be a combination of the larger population and some additional population-specific risk factors. Very interesting, regardless!"

I'd sit down with him and look through all the information he's looking at and give him your information and talk about it. There are high levels of immigration in western countries and some people are getting nervous. At the same time, I very much doubt the majority of people in institutions are due to cousin marriage. There could be some common ground you can agree on and then agree to disagree on others.

When you have a bit of time and arent so exhausted just ask him where he got his information from. Then try and tease it out a little to see more clearly where he's coming from. Then you will have a better idea of whats going on and what you want to do.

It’s the zeitgeist right now, people who held less politically correct views feel they are now able to air them. It’s the Trump/Farage effect, what in the past were far right extreme views (BNP with 5% support) becoming mainstream (Reform with 30%+ support). So your DH probably always harboured those tendencies but kept it under his hat.
if it’s any help my wife and I vehemently disagree on Israel/Palestine. She thinks Israel is justified because of what happened when Hamas attacked whereas I think Israel are being a teensy weensy bit genocidal in their response. We just agree to disagree. As long as you can be adult about it.

Thanks all - this is a very useful conversation.

@Putneydad7 it’s helpful to know about you and your wife’s opposing views on Israel, thanks. Do you just agree not to talk about it, or do you discuss it?

I couldn't be married to someone who was thick or blinkered enough that they believed racist tropes from TikTok without applying any critical thinking skills. DH and I sometimes disagree on political matters but we both have well reasoned positions and can discuss respectfully. My XH wasn't thick by any means but his critical thinking skills were severely hampered by his life experiences and he was impossible to debate with. It was part of what killed my respect for him.

If you look at stats for intention to vote Reform and male/female split, I suspect you won’t be alone. There must be millions of couples where the husband is a bit more right wing. There are primeval urges for a man to protect and for a woman to nurture. When the immigration debate has been whipped up into the rhetoric of “invasion” it is bringing out those “protect” instincts.
In answer to your question. It does occasionally come up, but one of us (usually me) changes the subject before it becomes heated.
She is also massively anti-trans and I am a bit que sera sera on that topic. But that is very different as it affects women more so I would never try to contradict her.

Oh my Aunt (dad's side) said something similar the other day, about autism. I had to remind her that my mums (her best friend) parents were first cousins. We are white British. That forced her to put a sock under n it rather quickly 🤣 it's nonsense.

She is also massively anti-trans I am curious as to what you mean by massively anti-trans! I have never met any women who are anti-trans. Tbh it doesn't sound like a healthy relationship if you are describing your partner as anti-trans (or racist) without discussing it.

I don’t know if the mental health institutions statement is true, but he’s correct in saying that first cousin marriage through several generations can cause physical and mental health issues. He’s also correct in saying that the hotels are expensive. None of these statements are racist. I’m half Asian, but not an Asian country where first cousin marriage is common.