Staying out late

PennyRest · 02/11/2025 05:01

Hope he’s back now and you’ve had a chance to find out what’s happened. I’m really sorry you’re having such a stressful time

Sequinsoneverythingplease · 02/11/2025 05:02

It’s over, you know it is. Don’t prolong this agony. Do not waste anymore time on a man who has long checked out.

Desmodici · 02/11/2025 07:23

I'd be surprised if four weeks of counseling were enough to deal with the issues.
It seems like now counseling has finished, he feels he no longer has to be accountable. He was on his best behaviour while an outsider was scrutinising your relationship, and now it's just back to the two of you, he can slip back to old ways.
Bottom line is you don't trust him (understandably), and he is unable to behave in a way to regain your trust. At the first opportunity he's broken an agreement you'd both made, putting his wants before the needs of your relationship. I think that tells you where you stand.

Splendidbouquet · 02/11/2025 07:24

So he has fallen at the first hurdle OP.

I'm so sorry OP but if he really was remorseful about his cheating he would have made sure he stuck to his promise of a couple of drinks and home early.

Sitting worrying about what he is up to and with whom will be your future life if you continue with your marriage.

So yes I don't think.he has left you any option but to end things.

Cinnamon77 · 02/11/2025 07:25

Message him?

Splendidbouquet · 02/11/2025 07:26

Cinnamon77 · 02/11/2025 07:25

Message him?

Why?
I think you've missed the point.

pinkfondu · 02/11/2025 07:28

If he can’t get it right tge first time, he never is

Kidsgotothatschool · 02/11/2025 07:28

Only you will know when you are done and it’s ok to make a decision in your own good time but what’s clear is he had a responsibility last night to build trust and he has failed.

What an idiot.

Askmehowiknow2021 · 02/11/2025 07:32

You are doing the right thing by ending the marriage. For context, my idiot of a husband had a brief “thing” which almost destroyed me and us. It takes a Herculean effort, from both of you, to rebuild what he broke and, in behaving like this, he is not making the required effort. Judge him by his actions, not his words. I’m so sorry op, but I think it’s time to call it a day x

Omgblueskys · 02/11/2025 07:33

Op why on earth does he think this was ok , staying out later than expected, of course your going to worry, to over think things, didn't councilling teach him anything about ' respect, reassurance, so his frist night out he jumps in , no respect, no reassurance,

Sent all the alarms off,
I do hope he can explain his poor behaviour op and reassure you all over again,

It's draining op, hope your OK, but reality of no trust ' and of course he made choices here' so yes you don't trust him right now,
His behaviour is paramount here op, and he's already let you down ,

PersephoneParlormaid · 02/11/2025 07:34

He’s had a one night stand. Will you honestly ever trust him again?

susiedaisy1912 · 02/11/2025 07:36

Dont break yourself trying to fix this.yiu can’t make someone want to be with you and he obviously doesn’t. He’s willing to break trust and hurt you deeply whilst remaining married and getting all the benefits that comes with it. End it now and move on. It won’t be easy and you will grieve for what you once had and what you thought your life would be like but honestly even if you get through this ‘rough patch’ it will happen again.

SoManyDandelions · 02/11/2025 08:15

It will be interesting to hear how he rationalises his behaviour when he wakes up/sobers up.

He knew what he needed to do to save your marriage. He fell at the first hurdle. It seems that getting drunk with friends is more important to him than being married. This was his choice.

If he was genuinely remorseful, admitted he has a problem with alcohol and decided to give up drinking then I might be able to see a way forward. But probably not.

Cinnamon77 · 02/11/2025 08:23

Splendidbouquet · 02/11/2025 07:26

Why?
I think you've missed the point.

Edited

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To find out where he is obvs. He could be in hospital or something

Goditsmemargaret · 02/11/2025 08:25

SoManyDandelions · 02/11/2025 08:15

It will be interesting to hear how he rationalises his behaviour when he wakes up/sobers up.

He knew what he needed to do to save your marriage. He fell at the first hurdle. It seems that getting drunk with friends is more important to him than being married. This was his choice.

If he was genuinely remorseful, admitted he has a problem with alcohol and decided to give up drinking then I might be able to see a way forward. But probably not.

These would be the only circumstances under which I would consider continuing to work at it.

The awful thing about infidelity is how much work the innocent party has to do to move past all the hurt and feelings of betrayal. It only makes sense if the other party makes the same effort.

If he agrees to stop drinking... Maybe if you want to keep going.

Otherwise, no way.

I'm so sorry OP. I know you want to save your marriage. But he's not a good husband.

Splendidbouquet · 02/11/2025 08:25

Cinnamon77 · 02/11/2025 08:23

To find out where he is obvs. He could be in hospital or something

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Given his previous history I think that is probably very low down on the list of probabilities.

blythet · 02/11/2025 08:30

Cinnamon77 · 02/11/2025 08:23

To find out where he is obvs. He could be in hospital or something

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And you think he might be in hospital and have the ability to text? Surely then he should’ve text her!!!

Ilovepastafortea · 02/11/2025 08:37

blythet · 02/11/2025 08:30

And you think he might be in hospital and have the ability to text? Surely then he should’ve text her!!!

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Either that or the hospital would ring

Cinnamon77 · 02/11/2025 08:41

blythet · 02/11/2025 08:30

And you think he might be in hospital and have the ability to text? Surely then he should’ve text her!!!

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He could have been mugged or be unconscious. The point is you don't know.

Yes, on the balance of probabilities, this looks awful for the marriage and I've got nothing but sympathy for the OP. But until she finds out where he is / what he's done, it's all speculation.

If he comes back and says he just forgot about coming home because he was having fun etc then I don't think that's a good enough (or believable) reason and the marriage needs to end

SoManyDandelions · 02/11/2025 08:42

SoManyDandelions · 02/11/2025 08:15

It will be interesting to hear how he rationalises his behaviour when he wakes up/sobers up.

He knew what he needed to do to save your marriage. He fell at the first hurdle. It seems that getting drunk with friends is more important to him than being married. This was his choice.

If he was genuinely remorseful, admitted he has a problem with alcohol and decided to give up drinking then I might be able to see a way forward. But probably not.

Just to clarify...I'd want the decision to give up drinking to come entirely from him. I wouldn't suggest it or try to persuade him to do it. It would need to come from him.

blythet · 02/11/2025 09:01

Cinnamon77 · 02/11/2025 08:41

He could have been mugged or be unconscious. The point is you don't know.

Yes, on the balance of probabilities, this looks awful for the marriage and I've got nothing but sympathy for the OP. But until she finds out where he is / what he's done, it's all speculation.

If he comes back and says he just forgot about coming home because he was having fun etc then I don't think that's a good enough (or believable) reason and the marriage needs to end

Show quote history

im not saying it’s completely impossible that something like that has happened.

my point was if he has the ability to text then surely she should’ve been the first person he would’ve contacted?

if he’s unconscious and can’t text then it’s not like a text from her will suddenly change that and give him the ability to reply.

Hope you’re ok op

cloudtreecarpet · 02/11/2025 09:29

This was his moment to prove to you that he gets it and that he is prepared to put you first and he has completely failed.
Of course you would feel insecure about him being on a big night out after what happened before, he should have known that and come home early & sober to reassure you. He hasn't.

I'm afraid it shows that he isn't taking your attempts to repair the marriage seriously & that he doesn't respect you & your feelings enough.

It's time to think about ending it - unless of course he has amnesia, has been mugged, is in hospital or any of the other wild excuses being bandied around are correct.

But we both know they won't be.

Missj25 · 02/11/2025 09:45

chs123 · 02/11/2025 01:31

Hello, my husband and I have been together 20 years and have two children.

a few months ago, he had a one night stand. I was devastated and asked him to leave. We separated for about 6 weeks but have been working on our marriage for the past month. Generally things are going well. We have just finished 4 weeks of counselling.

Tonight, my husband had his first night out since getting back together. It was supposed to be a couple of drinks and home early. It is now 1.30am. This was one of the biggest causes of our marriage breakdown in the first place and something we discussed lots in therapy. We agreed we would plan ahead if it was going to be a few drinks or a proper night out. Bearing in mind the last time this happened he cheated on me.

I am ready to end my marriage right now but feel genuinely gutted. I really hoped we could sort things but he clearly doesn’t love me or care for me, although he does seem to when sober. Am I doing the right thing?

If he never cheated OP , the going out until all hours isn’t right , you mention that was the biggest reason for the break down of your marriage.. like is this something he does every weekend? , aside from staying in the past month, but that was because he cheated ..
How did you find out ? ..
If he’s someone out til all hours a lot , how do you know this was the first time ?..
The fact this is what he has done on his very first night out is shit ..
I’m not saying he’s probably gone off with someone at all , but he should have been home when he was supposed to be home , end of story after what happened..
Stupid man …

Original poster

chs123 · 02/11/2025 11:44

Hello, he came home at 1.45am. I don’t grudge him a night out of course, but we have spoken about how it will be hard for me to begin with and that boundaries need to be set. We spoke about the difference between a few drinks after football and a proper night out- yesterday was supposed to be a few drinks after football…

He is pleading and begging, apologising for being selfish but with no real reason. I genuinely don’t think there was any cheating but feel hurt that he didn’t think about how hard I would have found last night. He’s saying he won’t drink ever again, etc, but I know that will eventually build resentment.

OP posts:

Missj25 · 02/11/2025 12:04

chs123 · 02/11/2025 11:44

Hello, he came home at 1.45am. I don’t grudge him a night out of course, but we have spoken about how it will be hard for me to begin with and that boundaries need to be set. We spoke about the difference between a few drinks after football and a proper night out- yesterday was supposed to be a few drinks after football…

He is pleading and begging, apologising for being selfish but with no real reason. I genuinely don’t think there was any cheating but feel hurt that he didn’t think about how hard I would have found last night. He’s saying he won’t drink ever again, etc, but I know that will eventually build resentment.

Did he tell you he cheated OP , how did you find out ?