Staying out late

[chs123]

Hello, my husband and I have been together 20 years and have two children.

a few months ago, he had a one night stand. I was devastated and asked him to leave. We separated for about 6 weeks but have been working on our marriage for the past month. Generally things are going well. We have just finished 4 weeks of counselling.

Tonight, my husband had his first night out since getting back together. It was supposed to be a couple of drinks and home early. It is now 1.30am. This was one of the biggest causes of our marriage breakdown in the first place and something we discussed lots in therapy. We agreed we would plan ahead if it was going to be a few drinks or a proper night out. Bearing in mind the last time this happened he cheated on me.

I am ready to end my marriage right now but feel genuinely gutted. I really hoped we could sort things but he clearly doesn’t love me or care for me, although he does seem to when sober. Am I doing the right thing?

It was 3 months ago he cheated. He told me the next morning. It has taken a lot for me to forgive and try to move on which is why I was so upset last night

It is awful he cheated .. It happened to me one time aswel , except he didn’t confess to me the next morning or anything, infact he embarked on a year long affair & then dumped me for her , she was a work colleague..

I think that he told you shows geuine regret ..
I hope you guys work it out ..
You need to come to agreement obviously with regard to socialising x

He doesn't seem to be getting that his marriage is very close to being completely over due to his infidelity.

That he would feel comfortable messing you about again the first time he goes out tells me that he is taking you for granted, AGAIN.

Perhaps he needs to move out again while you take more time and space.

Ultimately he isn't taking the damage he has done seriously enough.

Do you really want to be with him?
Can you really forgive, if not forget?

What is he like overall as a husband?
What are the housing/ financial consequences to ending the marriage?

Honestly, I don’t even know what I want anymore. I suppose I want to be with him if he was the best version of himself. But you’re right, I am absolutely taken for granted and something needs to change. I honestly thought things would be better after the last few, very difficult, months. Sometimes things have to come to crisis point to get better. But looks like not in this case.

Financially, it will be tough but I know that shouldn’t come into the decision. I just want my little family of 4 to be happy, but perhaps that’s not an option.

Show him these posts OP ….
Hopefully he wants his little family of four to be happy aswel 🤞..

He says that’s all he wants. But his behaviour says otherwise I suppose

Four weeks of counseling (individual? Marital?) is not nearly enough to deal with infidelity in your marriage.

You basically rugswept cheating only 3 months ago and he's already back to his former behaviour. He's not changing.

Of course he's pleading and begging and apologizing. It worked before, along with a mere few hours of counseling.

Time to show what kind of treatment you accept in your marriage. Do you want a cheater who stays out late drinking? You say he would resent if you asked him to stop drinking. Does he have issues with alcohol?

Ask him to leave and go through an alcohol program if there's issues there and at least a year of individual therapy to find out what in him is broken that made him cheat. He has to work for your marriage after he broke it, are you afraid he won't do that?

I suppose I mean he might eventually resent having “rules”. I’m not his mother and don’t want that type of relationship. I do think he has a problem with alcohol. He only drinks on nights out (averaging every second Saturday) but when he does, he just can’t seem to be able to stop.

He's abusing alcohol if he can't stop drinking once he starts.

If he would resent boundaries like either limit his alcohol intake or stop drinking and go to rehab, and not cheating to stay married, then he's not fit to be a husband.

Actions not words are what you need to focus on.
Words are cheap.
His actions are what you need to look at.
He has an alcohol problem.
I think you need to prepare for the worst, and hope for the best.
Don't show him this thread.
Keep it as a safe space for yourself.

I do think your DH needs to work a bit harder, nobody is saying he shouldn’t go out every couple of weeks, but to say he’s only going for a couple of hours and staying out a whole lot later, really isn’t acceptable and he should see that it’s going to cause more trust issues. Do you both go out together at nights without DC, I would need to see more effort from your DH and stick to what’s agreed.

Thanks, I completely agree. He is promising the world just now, saying he will do whatever it takes, etc. but obviously I’m not convinced as I have already done such a hard thing trying again in our relationship. We sometimes go out but not very often, it would definitely be nice to but childcare can be difficult. I suppose I don’t know whether to walk away now or give him this chance to prove himself- then I get mad at myself cause how many chances can I give. I don’t want to be a doormat.

He doesn’t like or respect you.

It really is time to pull the plug before he completely destroys your self esteem. 💐

Didn't he already promise to do whatever it takes, after he cheated? And he's shown he can't stick to that.
However, I know how hard it is to walk away.
Have you had a conversation with him about what he was thinking when he stayed out? Did it even cross his mind how you'd be feeling, waiting at home, knowing he'd breached your agreement? Two options - he didn't think about it, which means you're just not that important, or alcohol made him not think (in which case he needs to address relationship with alcohol); or he did think, but decided his night out was more important than your relationship, or that he'd get away with it. Neither are very promising; he's not considering your feelings.
Is he ACTUALLY willing to make permanent changes to his behaviour? Not just for six months, or until he feels he's earned free rein, again, but forever?
In reality, in your shoes, I'd probably give him one more chance, but I'm not sure I'd feel like the rot hasn't really set in, now - that he's let me down one too many times and broken important promises, and whether I'd come back from that, or emotionally detach myself for protection, to the point the relationship is doomed, anyway.
How are you feeling? Can you come back from this if you do give him one more chance? Or has it flipped that final switch, for you?

Thanks for your reasonable response- you sum it up perfectly! I’m not sure if I want to give him another chance….as you say he has a big chance and couldn’t do it then. I worry this cycle will just keep repeating. So do I walk away now? But on the other hand, alcohol is definitely a factor, and without that, things could definitely be better. I just don’t want to be the reason he stops going out with friends- I know that won’t make for a long happy marriage. I’m absolutely not telling him to do this, he is saying that. But I know that won’t last forever.

How old are your children?
Is he struggling with the reality of parenting young children & still trying to go out & drink like he did before he became a father?

If they are still quite little, is his turning over a new leaf going to be sustainable or is he just going to slip back into his old ways once he thinks he's "forgiven"?

It's not fair to leave you worrying and wondering each time he goes out & his relationship with alcohol doesn't sound acceptable for an adult with family responsibilities.
Do you think he really gets that? As you say, you aren't his parent and shouldn't need to set boundaries for him around alcohol etc, that change needs to come from him.

Only he can decide whether he wants to fight to keep the relationship. He keeps choosing booze over you. Alcohol
is often a symptom but tis only the drinker that can decide whether moderation or abstaining is the path forward. Will he go to AA?

Our kids are 6 and 10 so parenthood is not new! Things have gradually got worse over the years with regards to going out, it wasn’t always like this. Life is hard and busy- between work and kids clubs it can feel never ending and I think he sees it as a release. I just wish he would see Saturday night family time as a release instead.

It does sound like the relationship is screwed. I think, if it carries on, you'll be facing these situations again in future (or certainly waiting for the day it happens again), or you'll carry guilt that he's not living his life the way he clearly likes to, in order to keep you happy. Neither bode well for the long term. Neither are healthy ways to live, for you.
He fucked up once, did four hours of counseling and promised the Earth to get you back (hardly much actual hard work on his part), and has now broken your trust again. Promising change worked last time, and if it works this time... well, it'll work a third, fourth, fifth time, won't it? Until, like you say, you end up feeling like a right doormat, having wasted more time on someone who doesn't put his relationship first.
He already knew he was on borrowed time, and STILL couldn't stop himself from behaviour that broke an agreement, and that would cause you upset.
And if alcohol is to blame, what's to say that won't be the cause of him cheating again? Do you want a relationship with someone who has an alcohol problem?
He sounds pretty selfish, tbh. He wants you stay for his own needs, but can't, or isn't willing to, behave in a way that makes the relationship right for you.

This post says it all, really.