A question for women who’ve successfully made true friends as an adult

[AmITheProblemOne]

This might be an odd question but how exactly, as in step-by-step, did you convert acquaintances into friends?

I’m mid-40s, I think (?) I’m nice, kind, interesting, have wide range of hobbies and interests, interesting career etc and while I have a million acquaintances I never “convert” them into friendships.

DC is year 3 and I’m starting to see that many of the other school mums now seem to be actual proper friends with other mums. I Bumped into two mums out today having lunch in a restaurant and I thought wow they must be good friends, and not mere acquaintances, to be spending their Saturday together, without their kids.

I’ve hosted plenty of play dates / little parties for Halloween / Xmas but it rarely leads to invites back. Take for example one of the mums I saw out today, I’ve had her & her DC round for play date/coffee, I’ve initiated a trip out with our family and there’s and I’ve had her kid to our Easter party …. But nothing back so I’ve kind of stopped bothering with her now, because what else would you do when no reciprocation. This is quite common for me.

I make sure I listen and ask people about themselves etc. So confused what I am doing wrong but it’s gotten me down.

So ladies who have successfully converted acquaintances into friendships- what’s the magic formula?! Any top tips for a lonely mum? Thank you

i think you just have to seek out those you click with. I don’t honestly think there’s much more magic to it. I just had various coffees with a whole bunch of other mums and those I clicked with I made further coffee dates with a month or two down the line. That really was it I think. Probably didn’t make anything as terrifyingly intimate as a dinner plan for a good two years! I’d say I have maximum 4 mum friends I’ve had dinner with. Probably ten I’d happily see for coffee or lunch on a week day. I wouldn’t tend do to a weekend lunch as too busy ferrying children to parties
Edited to add - I don’t imagine for one minute you’re doing anything wrong , just perhaps there isn’t anyone amongst the other parents you properly click with? It really is just the luck of the draw
edited again to add - I’ve probably had a grand total of 7-10 dinners with school mum friends in 6 years. It’s not frequent!

One, we worked together for several years and then after I left that job, we met up for lunch about once every month or so, and then that’s developed into more frequent visits to each other’s houses for a cup of tea.

The second, we did the same keep fit class, and when the class closed, we decided to meet up for a walk every week or two, when we were both free, and then after a couple of months of walking together we started going for coffee after the walk.

Thanks @HeddaGarbled

@Anotherdayanotherpound thanks.

Yes I do seek out those where I think there’s a click / connection. Some of the school mums I’ve identified quite early on we don’t click so not made any effort there (beyond being friendly when our paths cross of course).

@Anotherdayanotherpound when you say you had coffee with a load of mums did you just randomly message them and initiate that?! No one has ever asked me for coffee / lunch / walk etc.

I’ve never had lunch or dinner with a school mum, DC now Year 3

Parties! We hosted a few kids parties at our house, and left booze for people to help themselves to. This was a great way to get properly chatting to the other parents (although may not work if everyone has to drive of course).
Or just host an actual party/BBQ. I now have some really good mates from school who we met through various parties/social events such as these.

Be vulnerable but not needy.
having an honest and vulnerable connection is the difference between mates and true friends. Share a struggle or a flaw or something real and honest that could make you seem incompetent or a bit of a dick etc. that’s your route to true friendship in my experience. Shared vulnerability.
btw. They might not go for it! Some don’t and then you’re basically embarrassing yourself for nothing but that’s the cost of doing business so only use this with people you think are going to be good friends and who seem to like you. Good luck. X

Meeting up without the kids I found was an easy way to get to know someone properly. Also a small group (3/4) rather than 1:1 makes it less awkward if you don’t click. Coffee? Exercise class? Cocktails?

I have a few groups of mum friends where we regularly meet up as a 3/4 and then 1:1 relationships grew more easily from that.

I think you need to get drunk, (or for an even more sure thing, high) with someone to easily initiate a fully fledged friendship. Take from that what you will but it has been my experience in life.

It’s why making friends at uni was so much easier, because you’re plastered and up to wild antics together. It’s very hard to recreate that with a series of coffee meet ups in your 40s.

Obviously it’s not the substances that are the cause of the friendship but it’s the breaking down of barriers and the sheer additional length of time you spend with someone if you’re having a long night out-into a early the next day together.

I am sure there are ways to recreate this sense of bonding if you’re sober but it’s certainly easier over wine!

Anyway due to this, I agree with the PP who said to have parties.

For more practical tips, try to be the person who brings people together. So have a 1:1 first with a few people, if you think they would enjoy each others company, organise something with everyone together. “Sophie, would you fancy coming around for a wine on Thursday, I’ll invite Claire too I think you’ll get on!” - or a BBQ with a few couples. That way you start to build a little network.

You do have to do 1:1s as well/first though as you don’t want to give the impression you’re too awkward to be alone with anyone.

Any local exercise groups you're interested in, eg running/netball/tennis? Usually attract a few mid-40s women up for socialising afterwards. Identify a mum who might be potential friend and invite the family round for dinner/lunch/bbq. Helps if your kids get along but not essential. You can put a film on for them at that age. Suggest a whole class coffee/local drinks. Only a few will show up but you might meet someone you connect with.

I was quite explicit about the fact I was hoping to make new friends. I joined a WI aimed at younger folk near me and was pretty up front about it. Arranged things outside that. I also host plenty at home. I think those are the key ways, though I do admit it is difficult.

There is a women's outdoor walking/swimming/etc group which has local branches called love her wild. I haven't been before but it looks like a friendly bunch.

My closest friends (met when I was 40+) are amazing but it took time for the friendships to build. Starting from shared activity is great, and if you particularly click with someone then suggest a casual, no-pressure outing (eg - gym class, walk, but not dinner!). It’s a bit like dating - as the others said, be yourself, be honest, listen, don’t be needy. Then if there’s a deeper friendship to be made, it will develop naturally.

Make a commitment to say Yes to as many offers of social interaction that you get - you’ll soon find that the people who are meant to be your friends will find you.

Do not focus on trying to build a gang or a friendship group. Look at your friendships with each person as a relationship that stands on its own and can survive without a group dynamic. Look after the individual friendships and the group fun will soon follow.

Most of all, be patient. It takes time for an acquaintanceship to grow into a friendship. Don’t set yourself artificial deadlines or targets. You’ll find your ride-or-dies eventually.

And don’t think that there’s anything wrong with you - there’s not. It’s just harder than it used to be to make real life connections- a phenomenon that’s acknowledged all over the world at the moment.

My best friend I met as a substitute for her job, we did a handover of her work, then the following week I handed it back. And had a beer. It's been 15 years and she's a second sister.
Another close friend I met on the bus! She was a newcomer, couldn't understand the local language, so couldn't work out what the bus driver was saying (it was the towns holiday, so buses were free!). We exchanged numbers, met for coffee and to show her ropes etc.Ta-da!
Other friends are ex-work colleagues (we all move around a lot in my industry - not porn!!)

I never made 'mum' friends, but acquaintances who I chat to if I meet on the street (primary is long past).

I think you need to be kind to yourself.
For almost the entirety of my children's lives at primary school, my social life was mainly acquaintances. I am ditsy and flakey and some could cope with that and some not.

By the time they were at secondary school and parents weren't involved with social functions for the children there were some fabulous ladies who stuck around... No birthday parties to bump into each other, lets arrange a coffee etc.

I am now aged 50+ and have a small group of like minded women who meet once a month for a meal and chat nonsense on WhatsApp several times a day.
In between times we see each other in ones and twos but the 6 of us together once a month. Turns out we are all neuro divergent so very forgiving of each other's foibles.

Give it time, if it is light and fluffy for now don't panic, everyone is putting one foot infant of the other pretending to have it all figured out.

I have made some genuine friends on the friendship element of bumble. Like online dating but for friends. It's hit and miss just like in real life but you have the advantage that people are definitely looking for friends. I did that without getting drunk or putting a tonne of effort into hosting. It was just the odd meal out to begin with

I didn't make friends with any of the school mums at primary school, we just never clicked.

By the time women reach their 30s, most adult women don't have time to make many additional friends. Even if they do, so many people are incredibly set in their ways, don't like change, and the thought of building a new friendship from scratch makes them socially anxious. Therefore, any new people who are let in usually have a purpose that is not already served by their existing, average well adjusted friend group. To be let into their lives, the new woman usually has to be -

a) Particularly interesting or glamorous - these women usually have an interesting or usual careers or lifestyles, have lived in different countries, or their husbands career is very varied so they usually have a lot stories to tell as a couple. They make good guests at parties.

A woman can also be interesting to others because of the drama-filled, chaotic emotional lives she leads, which entertains other regular people and provides plenty of gossip material.

b) Entertaining / funny - these women are also good to invite to dinner parties and they liven up a scene and socialise easily with new people. They cheer people up.

c) Socially useful / valuable in some way - usually they have useful social connections in the community or in their field of work, and people want to be around those women in order to access those other people and increasing their own social standing in the community. A woman might also be a very good listener and give great advice, which is valuable as well.

Otherwise, she might be useful to be someone else's +1 at certain occasions.

d) Relatable Plain Jane - they are not seen as any kind of threat to the other woman, or they're even used to make the other woman looks interesting or pretty in comparison.

The first 3 are the most common, in my opinion.

I wonder if you're quite pretty OP. I hate to be that person, but there is some truth that when women are coupled up and have children in particular, they might not invite you into their life if they see you as some kind of threat.

Wine

I have never gone looking for friendships, they have just happened. I have a really great ‘later in life’ bunch of friends (by which I mean friends I’ve made through NCT, baby groups, and the kids’ school). I think I just gelled with people who make more of an effort than I do. I’m also still very close with friends from my school and uni.

I firmly believe friends are the family you choose, they all mean far more to me than my siblings. My husband is the same, gets on with his siblings but adores his friends.

I started a group around my hobby, with an advert in the paper. 6 people turned up, including my now ‘best friend’ and another close friend. The others have unfortunately passed away. We met every month until Covid then we met on line. Still meet every month, 30 years January. We’re all in our 60s

Yes, if I thought I might get on with someone I’d ask if they were free for coffee after drop off one day. It wouldn’t have worked if I’d been working full time though as I wouldn’t have been free. I think if you’re unavailable during the working week it’s much harder/almost impossible to make friends with school mums

I think that you have to show some vulnerability. Give and ask for favours (not too hard work) but don’t take the piss. It’s a really fine line unfortunately. I think building a group can help with school and friends through clubs and classes help as there’s downtime to chat on the sidelines/while waiting

My three closest "new" friends as opposed to childhood friends were all mums of other kids in my kids’ classes. We spent many, many hours together at the park with the kids and it just sort of morphed into a deeper friendship through going on walks, arranging nights out etc. Now are kids are teenagers and not even really friends with each other anymore but we still meet up at least once a week. I think you just have to keep insisting - I would say that it is not always easy to tell in advance who will become a real friend. It is not just about who you click with, it is also about what life stage they are in and whether they are actively looking for friendships or don’t have the time.

I’m early 40s and have managed to convert 2 mum contacts and 2 work contacts into ‘proper’ be yourself, share your problems friends over the last 5 years. I don’t know if that’s a good hit rate or not!

I’m always a bit restrained when I first meet people and like to sit back a bit until I’m sure we at least have some common ground and similar energy. If I think I’d like to move it on from acquaintances I push the conversation a bit deeper and show a bit of vulnerability.

Then if we’re clicking I’ll push into going for a walk, park visit, play date where mum stays for coffee if it’s a school thing. Or invite for a drink after work if it’s work (I’m much slower at work as it’s harder to reverse out if you change your mind!).

I’ve proactively done this with about 10 people over the last five years and the four I really liked moved into regular dinners and catch ups. I invite/arrange more than others but I don’t take that personally. If people respond enthusiastically when invited and are engaged and fun when we’re out I’ll keep inviting.

Im in London and lots of people move in and out so I think you have to be proactive if you dont want your social circle to shrink! But also lots of people are looking to make friends. It’s not as hard as you might think.

I don't know, our little group at school is just the ones who didn't fit into the older standing group as we were mostly first time Moms, so just time I guess. I walk to and from school with one as we live near each other. Have you tried initiating child free time with them?

Otherwise I guess hobbies. I do some volunteering but again it's mainly been time and exposure to each other in quite hard circumstances.

I would start from the premise that it's very rare to make a real friendship with school mums. I made my first real mum friend when my kid was in year 6. After all, the only thing you have in common with these people is kids the same age.

I also think it takes a really, really long time. Think about the friends you made at school or university, and how many hours you spent in each other's company. As a busy adult, it takes years to put in that same number of hours.

I would also say that how easy it is depends on where you live. I have lived in fairly insular rural places where people mostly socialise with family, or friends they've had all their lives. It's really difficult to break in and you end up only being able to befriend other incomers. It's much easier to make friends if you live in a place with high population turnover, where you can meet lots of people and most of them are in the market for new friend.