A question for women who’ve successfully made true friends as an adult

[AmITheProblemOne]

This might be an odd question but how exactly, as in step-by-step, did you convert acquaintances into friends?

I’m mid-40s, I think (?) I’m nice, kind, interesting, have wide range of hobbies and interests, interesting career etc and while I have a million acquaintances I never “convert” them into friendships.

DC is year 3 and I’m starting to see that many of the other school mums now seem to be actual proper friends with other mums. I Bumped into two mums out today having lunch in a restaurant and I thought wow they must be good friends, and not mere acquaintances, to be spending their Saturday together, without their kids.

I’ve hosted plenty of play dates / little parties for Halloween / Xmas but it rarely leads to invites back. Take for example one of the mums I saw out today, I’ve had her & her DC round for play date/coffee, I’ve initiated a trip out with our family and there’s and I’ve had her kid to our Easter party …. But nothing back so I’ve kind of stopped bothering with her now, because what else would you do when no reciprocation. This is quite common for me.

I make sure I listen and ask people about themselves etc. So confused what I am doing wrong but it’s gotten me down.

So ladies who have successfully converted acquaintances into friendships- what’s the magic formula?! Any top tips for a lonely mum? Thank you

I think it just depends on whether you click with the school crowd. i have a group of friends from Dc's nursery. We are still in touch but moved. DC goes to a different school from the others. At their current school, I have put in the hours but the reality is we just don't click with the area we live in. It's a very posh and naice place, everyone works either in the city, law or tech while I am a messy leftie academic. It was never going to work out. The other mums are fine, they are good people, just not my people. I used to be upset about that but by now, I just accept it.

I have one friend. One person in the entire world I could call at 3.00am and ask them to help me get rid of a body. I have a few casual acquaintances. Other than that, I am very self sufficient. It’s much better that way.

I wonder if you're quite pretty OP. I hate to be that person, but there is some truth that when women are coupled up and have children in particular, they might not invite you into their life if they see you as some kind of threat

@EarthSight

I definitely used to be considered attractive and never had problems meeting men in my single 20s. I definitely look a bit rough round the edges (!) now as I’m a tired mid-40s mum and lack the time or motivation to do hair / make up / grooming! I’m the opposite of a glamour-puss.

However I do work out 5 times a week and am confident in a bikini in my mid-40s. Not because I think I’m a sex goddess or anything just because I know I’m fit & strong & don’t care what other people think. I’m also sporty & pretty competent at various sports.
But I wouldn’t say I stand out as being “prettier” than the other mums at the school gate, no.

I don't know if there's a 'magic formula' to making friends as an adult - my two closest friends both started as mum friends I met at the kids school and we just clicked and got on, made each other laugh. I had lots of friendly acquaintances who I would have group nights out with, the odd coffee etc, usually because our kids were friends but a lot of that waned when the kids grew up - I still see them but it's infrequent, busy lives etc.

The friendship with my two closest friends has lasted 20 years and still going strong - our kids have grown up and we've supported each other through the ups and downs of life.

I would say if you know a mum at school that you get on well with, invite her to lunch or coffee, suggest a night out with a few other mums - do something fun like a comedy club, quiz night or a darts/bowling/themed bar, have a few drinks and a good laugh! Don't make the kids the centre of your friendships, make time to enjoy some kid-free time with other mums and let off a bit of steam ☺️

It’s so true, I am also in London and feel that constant need to make new friends otherwise the circle shrinks as people move away.

I am rather tired of the grind to be honest and sometimes daydream about just living in a small town with the same people year in year out. I might hang up my boots soon and just accept the circle shrinkage 😆

I found that friends with school mums came not at the school gates but more commonly from the messaging before and after a play date (the organisation of it.. which sometimes led to a text exchange after the thankyou for having x then ‘have a great weekend.. what are you up to?’ .. ‘oh I’m going to do X YZ’ onto ‘oh yes I’ve been there ‘ etc ).. and it led from there into more of a chat / exchange .
Certainly not with all of them but the 2/3 mums that I am now close friends with.

My other now closest local friend and I met when I started at a choir on the same night she did. We got plonked next to each other and got chatting as we were both new. We have now been close friends for 15 or so years.

Other than that there is one person at work who I have recently become friends with . I saw her in the kitchen at work and said I liked her dress.. we got chatting about our love of trash TV and now chat outside of work.

So no real strategy but agree with others who say don’t force it if you can tell they are not someone you’d click with. Just be friendly, listen, ask questions and try and find something (gym, wine, shit DH, kids being friends, new café you want to try, film you want to see, I like your hair / jacket .. whatever) and when it clicks the friendship will come. You only need 2 or 3… not loads. I can’t stand massive groups!

I can't help as I have the same issue! I think I've given up trying now.

I'm part of a 'group' which is online for something all members have in common with. Trying to make friendships out of if, other than social media friends, is impossible.

You can arrange all the meals out and coffees possible, but it morphs back to online only every time. And most conversations goes back to the one thing we all have in common. Nothing seems to more on from there.

I met my one real mum friend because we were neighbours who were casual about all sorts of things-- dropping in on one another, helping one another out, and making a mess. We loved getting our kids out and doing things that were relatively chaotic- outdoor things and messy art projects. Everyone else I met was relatively uptight about things, but the two of us were less so- that was our first bond-

Then we supported one another through some very difficult times, including chronically ill children and marriage troubles.

I really hope you find your person, or people, OP- it takes time- it took us years to get really close.

Play dates and such like are for the kids not the adults

it can take time for a reason for the friendship to emerge - a shared interest in something other than the kids - being in a hobby group or volunteer role might be more sucessful

ro get beyond the superficial level takes something emotional to bond you - something to laugh over or cry over

and your 40s can be rough - so many parents are just so busy with everything that friends take a bcaknseat

but keep at it because as you can see there are many lonely mums out there

True friends will never stop supporting us in life.

I feel I need to defend the hot girls! I have some stunningly gorgeous friends who I have met and befriended as 30+ adults. They’re lovely people who happen to be hot. Some are single. Some are married and some of the married ones are about to become single. I don’t think being hot stops you making friends though I’m talking as a friend and observer of the hotness. I haven’t struggled with attractiveness holding me back 😂😂😂

I’ve made quite a few friends as an adult although my besties are still my oldest friends.

My last job was very fruitful in making friends, most of us were women ‘of a certain age’ who had similarly-aged children so we all bonded like that. I left there 5 years ago and still v much in touch with 4 of them that I see regularly, only one still works there. Occasionally I’ll see a couple more if someone organises a bigger meet up.

Also made mum friends at primary - mums of DC’s friends mainly. You’d pick up from a play date and get asked in for coffee and it’d go from there, or they’d be a coffee after drop off when a lot of the mums hadn’t gone back to work yet. I was in a group of couples for a while who’s go out for dinner, etc. it was all pretty organic I suppose …
My loneliest time was when DD was a baby as only two of my friends had children then (I was 30) and DD wasn’t the easiest of babies. I went to toddler groups etc and did make a couple of friends (one I really clicked with, but they moved 100+ miles away).

I just find making friends quite easy - I’m easy going, have a good sense of humour - happy to chat. I’m no looker but presentable so probably not a threat to anyone but not an embarrassment either!

We are both a bit odd and don't have many friends because neither of us can be bothered with pandering to other people and their bullshit.

Quite rightly people weren't keen to be friends and although it's my own fault that my personality traits push people away, I was actually quite sad that I didn't have a close friend. She felt the same.

We met when we ended up sitting next to each other and got talking on a park bench. We are both very honest and both felt quite vulnerable due to the lack of friends but we were very straight and open with each other.

It was the first time that I felt that someone got me, if you know what I mean. She felt the same.

We are very close now and speak, meet or message every day.

I am so happy that I went to the park that day. We have both had a series of issues including health problems and we have been there for each other.

I think I've been lucky, as one long time adult friend I made was waiting for me in the first village we lived in after emigrating up from darn sarf. So we just hung out for a bit, doing village events and each other’s houses and then 40 years went by…
No mum friends.
Then another few through shared interests. Art classes, Protests, etc. still got some of them, years later.
A couple from work. Not many that I wanted to keep.
And some through being pagan, mainly because you already have a good notion of what is important to them, compatibility, etc and it saves a lot of sifting and time.