More interested in having kids than getting married/finding love

[Username3020]

As a man I feel like the reason why im pushing myself to date is just to have kids, I have never really been into the idea of marriage or all that romantic stuff. Romantic relationships come with a lot of emotional maintanence and having to meet a womans emotional needs, I would prefer to just focus on raising kids and I also would prefer the woman im with to focus more on our kids than me. I dont need no love or attention but im happy enough providing for a family and I will give all that loving attention to our children.

The truth is if I didnt want kids then I would have Zero interest in a relationship because I dont see the point in being in a relationship if your not going to have kids.

Im not asexual or anything and im very sexually attracted to women but I feel like I cant love a woman like I can with my own kids, I can be friends with a woman and I have had female friends in the past but I also wouldnt really care if a woman I had kids with just left me because I would just focus on being a father.

I know of men who cry and feel depressed when they break up with thier GF but im not like that

Maybe the solution is to find a same sex couple who want a donor that they are also happy to have involvement in their child’s life? Otherwise you’re just in an unhappy relationship that damages a child.
I remember reading a couple of articles years ago with people in this donor but involved situation, it was working well for all of them, no clue if the child is damaged in that scenario though!

You may feel different towards the woman after she has carried and delivered your child.

Not that I agree with it but use a surrogate and raise your child by yourself, plenty of women already do this.

@Lennonjingles Maybe you could be right but then I feel like I shouldnt lie to a woman and pretend to love her just so that she carries my children, I would make a bad partner because im not emotional and I would forget a lot of her emotional needs

I would like to meet someone who is similar to me.

@TomatoSandwiches but Im kind of against surrogacy because that feels like prostitution

i agree with you to be anti surrogacy @Username3020

you can adopt or foster - you have a lot of love to give clearly!

if you want your own child, then you maybe should post about your situation on a group for sperm donors/single mum by choice. There are thousands of women in your shoes who want a baby but are put off being a solo mum by choice due to everything falling on them - what if they die? What if they need a night off? How can they afford it financially?
if you state that you’re a good man, good role model, love kids, want to bring one up and be a great parent, you would like to find a coparent and understand that for the first year baby will live with mum and you can visit and help as much as possible, with the hope that baby will then start to spend overnights with you when older either every other weekend with midweek contact or 5050 if you live close enough, you MIGHT find a woman who is open to this arrangement. The main fear they will have is you are a paedo so you can show DBS check, character reference, get to know her over time etc. or if you are ‘approved’ for fostering etc this would also help.
good luck!

Look for someone like yourself then, add woman who will be happy to draw up a contract about how you go about parenting and what days you get, compensation and eventualities etc.

If you find a woman willing to consider coparenting with you I’m sure you could do family counseling together to iron out details

Ps maybe have a bit of counseling about your own views on relationships too op it’s quite unusual’

Romantic relationships come with a lot of emotional maintenance and having to meet a woman's emotional needs, I would prefer to just focus on raising kids
Spoiler alert. Kids need emotional maintenance and have emotional needs, too.

@Unexpectedlysinglemum but I feel like 99 percent of women who want kids also want a romantic loving relationship and I feel like I wont be able to meet thier emotional needs.

I also dont want to be a single father because I understand the importance of my children having a mother figure

Look into adopting. It's incredibly selfish to want a woman there purely to either have your children or help raise them (or take on most of the donkey work) without having any genuine love and relationship effort back. Unless you find a woman who is onboard with this arrangement ( doubtful) then why not go it alone? It will be hard work but you won't also have a relationship you don't want to focus on so win win?

Not necessarily as evidenced by the amount of threads on here where couples split up shortly after first child due to man not feeling he’s getting enough attention and/or man just cheating/still not helping with chores etc.

@MoominMai I wouldnt cheat tho and I also would pull my weight and help out aound the house

💯

Otherwise the woman will just become resentful and if that causes a split then OP will be co-parenting and in a way ending up single but with kids except there’s more complications than if he just say adopted alone. Though I get the impression OP wants his own biological children.

This

Please don't foster or adopt the level of emotional challenge is huge.

I'd ask yourself seriously whether you actually do want children/a family or whether you are using it as a societal measure of a man's success to provide for a family.

I suspect the answe is actually you'd be happiest in a low demand relationship without children

Have you actually ever had a 'real' relationship?

OP, why don’t you adopt or foster?

So, if you can’t meet the emotional needs of a partner, how can you expect to do so for children? As others on this thread have mentioned.

I am wondering what are your motivations for wanting children? What’s the appeal of that for you?

Not many women want to just be sperm depositories to be honest. 🙄

Ideally, children need two loving parents, who love each other, not just a sperm donor relationship.

I feel like I know the female version of you - she had been badly burned by multiple relationships with men and decided to get a sperm donor in the end. The thing is she decided she was willing to take the emotional and financial hit of not having support for herself and the child because she had been so hurt by men she believed that there was little point in them possibly upending a happy family, as this is all she had seen and known. In your situation you want the woman to do all of that and also be happy not to have emotional involvement from you just because you don't cheat. Does that mean she can't go on to find love and you co-parent if she got married, for example? You could maybe find an asexual woman willing to inseminate but it isn't clear if you expect to live with her and pretend to be in a relationship?
Why do you like the idea of having your own kids so much?

Part of being a good parent is modelling a healthy loving relationship for your children. Children want their parents to love each other or at least to have loved each other - for most children it's painful and damaging when their parents can't maintain a civil relationship. Children thrive best in a close and loving family environment.

You don't sound like you're cut out for parenthood at all - in fact you sound like you have some complicated emotional problems. Maybe you should explore this in therapy?

I was the same for years, women love a romantic man. I was romantic as a friend, but i wasnt forward enough to make someone my intimate girlfriend.When someone doesnt adhere to the romantic gestures in bonding they get friendzoned.

For a woman to bear your child, and the emotional and physical consequences for her , let alone financial in terms of earning potential frankly you’re not up to the support required. It is good for women you recognise this.
I suggest adopting.

“Endofyear · Yesterday 22:32

Part of being a good parent is modelling a healthy loving relationship for your children. Children want their parents to love each other or at least to have loved each other - for most children it's painful and damaging when their parents can't maintain a civil relationship. Children thrive best in a close and loving family environment.
You don't sound like you're cut out for parenthood at all - in fact you sound like you have some complicated emotional problems. Maybe you should explore this in therapy?”

For me, it’s this.

@Username3020 - i’ll be honest: I’m really surprised that so many posters are comfortable with the idea of you fostering, adopting or using a surrogate to have a child. You’ve said nothing to suggest you have the right emotional make-up for parenting and your attitude to the “emotional demands” of maintaining a relationship with a woman suggests you may struggle with the demands of parenting because children are extremely emotionally and physically demanding, particularly in the younger years but also as teenagers and young adults. I may be completely wrong, of course, but do you understand what’s driving this desire for children in you? Perhaps that needs further analysis first.