I can't stand my mum

[Firework81]

Name changed incase outing and because i feel guilty even writing this but I am really at breaking point in my relationship with my mother.

It's always been extremely fraught between us since childhood, I moved away as early as I could and in the last few years things had really improved with the distance, to the point we were speaking every couple of days etc (all effort made by me now i look back) and I decided to move back to build on that but since being closer again it's just become glaringly obvious that nothing has actually changed at all. I just cannot find any common ground with her at all, her values and ethics are just so completely different to mine (she's racist, loves to gossip, unbelievably selfish and utterly devoid of empathy and so critical and negative of everyone and everything) she's just a complete drain. She's also made some extremely hurtful comments such as blaming me for my ex cheating on me because I didn't lose my baby weight fast enough and that i probably didn't make enough effort in the bedroom to satisfy him, he takes nothing to do with our child but sends a card at birthday and xmas and she will rave about how good it is of him to do that and what a good dad he is which really hurts when I'm the one who's been left to do 100% of the rearing after he let us down.

I absolutely dread doing things with her because she sucks the joy from everything, expects everyone to bend to her whim, complains and gets worked up over little things and just makes it all so stressful. And it makes me so sad because I really, really wish I had a good relationship with her. I see other women my age out for lunch etc with their mums and I wish that I could do that. I feel totally torn between wanting my child to have a relationship with his grandparents because he loves them to bits and feeling guilty for letting them have time with him because I worry about what way she is in front of him when I'm not there but equally when I am there, I challenge her (respectfully) on things and then she has a massive reaction which feels worse for my child to be around.

Her and my dad are much older now and I'm seeing their health really starting to decline and I feel really guilty about the fact that I just dread the idea of being tied into caring for her now that I'm local again. I know it's something I'll have to do because I would never leave my sibling alone with it (i know they also dread the idea), but I do not know how to find common ground with her or find compassion and patience for her - she presses every button I have and I'm constantly on guard around her to the point it brings out the worst in me sometimes. How do I navigate this? How can I find safe neutral topics we can talk about or some sort of common ground to build on? I've worked with some extremely difficult people in my lifetime and I've never met anyone I couldn't find some connection or compassion or even just understanding towards but I just don't seem to be able to do it with her? I think on some level it's because I feel hurt by her and need to be able to forgive her for letting me down, hurting me and not meeting any of my emotional needs from early childhood on, but it's hard to forgive someone who doesn't take any accountability? How do I move forward? I'm already in counselling and she's a frequent topic of conversation but wondering if anyone has any advice?

Hopeful bump

I'm sorry OP but you are never going to get the mother you want: she is always going to be the person that she is.

I understand where you are coming from. Seeing other people with close and loving relationships with their mothers makes you crave that for yourself.

I honestly think that if you can move away again that would be the best thing for your mental health. If you did that you could even consider whether going no contact with her might be easier for you.

Imagine a friend in this situation. What would you advise? Do that.

I could have written parts of your post. For me it did reach the point where I was pushed to step away and it’s been the best thing for me, I feel lighter away from her negativity.
She’s since noticed and apologised but it’s best for me to keep the distance there as nothing will change long term.

Definitely move away from her if you can. She sounds utterly dreadful. Even if you can't move, don't be sucked into providing any care for her as she ages and keep your distance.

She is not a good influence on your children with her disgusting racist views and her ridiculous support of your useless ex-husband.

I agree with a previous poster about going no contact with her. She brings absolutely nothing positive to your life.

What does she say that's so racist?

I once explained to a boyfriend that my sister had a very difficult personality and that there must be something to explain it and he said to me… “yes, there is, it’s called narcissistic personality disorder-look it up!” So that is my advice to you. You have to set realistic expectations with your mom. I’m sorry. It’s very difficult. But understanding that it’s just who she is and has nothing to do with you or your actions should help you figure out how to deal with the situation.

I know that feeling well. I find myself thinking if i just try this, do this or say this I will be accepted and acceptable. But it will never happen. We have to accept that sometimes it's just not going to be the relationship we want. They are not the mother you need.

I moved away and i am genuinely grateful every day for that distance, freedom to be me and the support network i have away from her. I almost feel a feeling that I'm drowning or suffocating in some way when i go to visit.

I think maybe you should do the same.

It's too late now, but i think your mistake was moving closer.
I've had very difficult feelings towards my mum for my entire adult life (I'm in my 40s). A lot of what you've shared rings true for me - she's hyper critical, judgemental, interfering, lacking in empathy, a martyr, and she plays my sister and me off of one another.
I've had a lot of therapy, and I don't know if that's helped, or just getting older has helped, and allowed me to let a lot go. These days, especially now old age is creeping in for her, and she's had cancer, I've softened and believe she did the best that she could.
But either way, I've always lived 3 hours away, and wouldnt dream of moving closer, so I can manage my exposure to her, and that means we have a really good relationship. I keep her at arms length and don't share a lot with her (she's desperate to know what I earn, for instance, and what I weigh, but I'll never tell her). She'd be SO judgemental of my lifestyle if she lived close enough to see it (too many frivolities, too many drinks at the pub, too much time at the gym, too many meals out, too much money spent, not miserable enough). I've been "grey rocking" for years, so when mum tells me "Janet's son is earning £200k a year", I just say "Good for him". Or if she tells me about a neighbour who's put on weight, I say "Oh right". I don't indulge anything, and keep chat very surface level.
But you're going to have a VERY hard time putting those boundaries in place when you live close by.

It's not "overt" racism but it's lots of little harmful comments like if she sees a few families from a different background she'll comment on why there's so many of them gathered and be suspicious about what they're doing and why they aren't working whereas if she saw white famiies gathered that would be a non Issue. Lots of talk about "foreigners" and negative stereotypes and she'll be loud and rude in public and stare or make nasty comments - it's embarrassing. She spends her days reading her 'news' on Facebook since she retired and its obvious that her algorithm is pushing certain content that's becoming increasingly right wing which I have tried to explain and warn her about but I think it's just given her the ok to be open about her views. I work in the community in a post related to tackling racism so I feel like I can't go out with her in public locally because I'm scared of what she might do or say and that affecting my work through association. Plus I just don't want to be around that type of mentality.

If she's just a victim of algorithms then maybe show some compassion for her? Plus the racism you've described doesn't sound that racist / bad. What would you do at work if you met someone from the Caribbean community who has anti African views (which can be prevalent)?

If you go NC with her just make sure you can live with yourself after she's died. Also make sure it doesn't set a precedent to your own children - it could be seen as 'if you can't deal with anything slightly difficult, just cut your parents off'.

She's a victim of algorithms because of the type of content she has chosen to read. If she reads and likes xenophobic and racist content, the algorithms will push similar content into her feeds. She isn't a victim, she is consciously and deliberately making racist remarks.

Lots of people have awful parents and cut them off due to their behaviour and don't miss them when they are dead.

Posters like yourself often try and use emotional blackmail to try and make the OP feel guilty if she puts in boundaries or reduces or cuts of contact with a difficult parent.

Whereas you sound like a five year old.

If you cut off every person in your life for not behaving exactly as you want then you're going to end up very lonely and never grow up

ops mother is indeed no victim of algorithms.

Op - you need to grieve for the relationship you should have had rather than the one you actually got. It is not possible to have a relationship with someone this disordered of thinking. Keep up with the therapy sessions.

Have a read of and or post on the current Well we took you to Stately Hones thread on these Relationships pages.

Dealing with someone like ops mother is likely dealing with a wilful six year old. Her emotional development stalled at around that age.

I see my elderly mother, a nasty piece of work, a couple of times a year and I stay for twenty minutes at most, letting the ranting and bile wash over me.

It suits me. I’m completely unrepentant and feel no guilt. I hope you can reach the same point, OP. To use a cliche: “you reap what you sow”. There’s another one about beds and lying on them too.

I sympathise OP.

I’m 42 and after a lifetime of a very challenging, controlling, damaging and manipulative relationship with my mother I now haven’t spoken to her for almost 7 months.

I’ve had counselling which has helped immensely but I will always grieve for the mother I never had and I will always feel sad about the childhood I had, and the way the relationship continued on throughout my adult years too.

I still struggle with the idea that I’ve cut all contact as it’s not the ‘norm’ in society but her presence in my life was just too damaging and one day back in April the final straw came, and now I am where I am.

I feel sad that things have turned out like this, but in a lot of ways I’m much more at peace in myself and I am able to relax and feel calm.

Ask yourself, if she wasn’t your mother would you want this person in your life?

It’s surprising (and very sad) how many people tolerate poor behaviour from other people, no matter how damaging it is to their own emotional and mental health, just because they are family.

Well done!
Worst advice I have ever read!
She isn’t a “victim” of algorithms, it’s because of what she reads.
And racism isn’t ok, no matter who expresses it.

PP used the expression ‘managing my exposure to her.’
This is a really useful phrase. Realising that the DM is not in charge of her DD’s life can help to channel thoughts and energies in a different way.
My situation is no where near as difficult as yours but I’m going to use the ‘manage my exposure’ phrase a lot more from now on.

My advice is to minimise contact as low as you can bear. I am completely NC with my own mother and the relief is fabulous.

'What would you do at work if you met someone from the Caribbean community who has anti African views (which can be prevalent)?' I think there is a difference between working professionally to try and address racism and promote healthy integration and choosing to socialise with people who are showing racist behaviours. I understand that leaving her to an echo chamber is not ok either and I feel responsibility to keep challenging her, but equally I need to manage what my child is exposed to as well. Blaming an algorithm isn't ok, it's emboldened her to be more vocal and less caring about what others think of her views but it's not created those views in the first place.

I do worry about the precedent for my son that we don't look after people who are difficult and i worry about makinghis family smaller especially since his dad has let him down, but equally I want to teach him to stand up for himself and protect himself and I'm a very different mother to him than she ever was to me. She will sometimes use him to make digs at me or mock me in front of him and that's not exactly setting us up well for teenage years and respecting your parents either.

What you are dealing with is loss- you will not have the relationship you want with her and she can’t / won’t be the person you need.
and it is hard when you see other people who have good close relationships with their parents.
Maybe seek support elsewhere from other family and good friends and limit seeing her.
if it’s too much, limit it to cards and odd phone calls. These people drain you.

I’ve been NC with my mother for years and I miss her like a hole in the head. She’s been spiteful and downright cruel since I can remember. As far as I am concerned blood is not thicker than water. I was born into a hateful situation and staying in it for the sake of wanting a family for my beautiful DS would go against every iota of my moral duty as a parent.

Hi OP - she sounds extremely difficult to get on with. How difficult for you.

I have had similar issues, but not as bad, with my dad and its been a journey.

A spiritual view has been helpful to me, by people like tara brach or thich nhat hanh.

You might find this beneficial:

I could have written large parts of your thread. I moved away. Best thing I ever did. I am civil at family events but we no longer have a relationship. I channel my feelings about not having a good mother into being the best mother for my DC