I can't stand my mum

[Firework81]

Name changed incase outing and because i feel guilty even writing this but I am really at breaking point in my relationship with my mother.

It's always been extremely fraught between us since childhood, I moved away as early as I could and in the last few years things had really improved with the distance, to the point we were speaking every couple of days etc (all effort made by me now i look back) and I decided to move back to build on that but since being closer again it's just become glaringly obvious that nothing has actually changed at all. I just cannot find any common ground with her at all, her values and ethics are just so completely different to mine (she's racist, loves to gossip, unbelievably selfish and utterly devoid of empathy and so critical and negative of everyone and everything) she's just a complete drain. She's also made some extremely hurtful comments such as blaming me for my ex cheating on me because I didn't lose my baby weight fast enough and that i probably didn't make enough effort in the bedroom to satisfy him, he takes nothing to do with our child but sends a card at birthday and xmas and she will rave about how good it is of him to do that and what a good dad he is which really hurts when I'm the one who's been left to do 100% of the rearing after he let us down.

I absolutely dread doing things with her because she sucks the joy from everything, expects everyone to bend to her whim, complains and gets worked up over little things and just makes it all so stressful. And it makes me so sad because I really, really wish I had a good relationship with her. I see other women my age out for lunch etc with their mums and I wish that I could do that. I feel totally torn between wanting my child to have a relationship with his grandparents because he loves them to bits and feeling guilty for letting them have time with him because I worry about what way she is in front of him when I'm not there but equally when I am there, I challenge her (respectfully) on things and then she has a massive reaction which feels worse for my child to be around.

Her and my dad are much older now and I'm seeing their health really starting to decline and I feel really guilty about the fact that I just dread the idea of being tied into caring for her now that I'm local again. I know it's something I'll have to do because I would never leave my sibling alone with it (i know they also dread the idea), but I do not know how to find common ground with her or find compassion and patience for her - she presses every button I have and I'm constantly on guard around her to the point it brings out the worst in me sometimes. How do I navigate this? How can I find safe neutral topics we can talk about or some sort of common ground to build on? I've worked with some extremely difficult people in my lifetime and I've never met anyone I couldn't find some connection or compassion or even just understanding towards but I just don't seem to be able to do it with her? I think on some level it's because I feel hurt by her and need to be able to forgive her for letting me down, hurting me and not meeting any of my emotional needs from early childhood on, but it's hard to forgive someone who doesn't take any accountability? How do I move forward? I'm already in counselling and she's a frequent topic of conversation but wondering if anyone has any advice?

I grieve for a good mother relationship so feel your pain, my mother is a pure narcissistic person who has control me and imposed her views for years afew years ago I literally flit met a nice man moved just far enough away she doesn't visit, it's fabulous, she knows only what I tell her and I visit once per few weeks, she is declining slightly but I was told by her that I will be living with her to look after her in later years I stayed silent, won't happen and she is in for a shick😁🤔, I have told my sister in no uncertain terms I will do a weekly visit tops and if she declined to a point beyond this care home it is, absolutely fed up of feeling to be expected to be one that deals with any crap, current help her shop, do little bits of DIY, sort basics on cars etc, I absolutely will not get to a point where I live with her(had to ten years ago after a emergency break up and six months of making life hell for me, never again, I absolutely wish I had heart to back off, other family members live away visit once a year, and are golden children,
Recently I'm backing off for my own sanity, suggest same for yourself.
Unfortunately we cannot live life for our parents and her attitude towards people has left her with few friends her doing.

OP I have been NC with my own mother for the last 37 years.
She is a vile person.
My own dd (now 21) used to question it when she was a child, I just explained she wasn’t a nice person.
I have strived to be the complete opposite to my mother, and have been rewarded with the most wonderful dd.
I used to feel sad when I saw friends with their mothers, but I also knew I could never have that with her.
I came to terms with it long ago.
Please try to distance yourself, life is too short to deal with toxic, horrible people in your life, even if they are close relatives.

@Cinnamon77 I’m seconding the PP that your advice is up there with some of the worst I’ve ever read on MN.

there is nothing in OPs post to suggest that her mother is “slightly difficult” or that she has a habit of cutting out people for “not behaving exactly as you want”

the OPs mother is abusive and it’s absolutely ok for the OP to decide she doesn’t want to be around someone like that.

I can relate to that on several counts. It's a lot to accept that your mum is horrid, more so when she's only horrid to you (that's my situation). You'll never have the "lovely lunch out" type of relationship that others appear to have, but peace and distance is better than trying to force something that just isn't achievable.
I just don't like my mum any more though I do help a bit, meet for coffee if she asks etc. It's a chore though. I would never treat my own kids how she's treated me and that makes me sure I'm right to keep some distance and not just being ungrateful and mean etc.
Give yourself permission to distance yourself. It's not acceptable to expose your child to her nasty views, especially when expressed in public.

Personally, I’d pull back. My mother has rather right wing typical Daily Mail reader ideas. My sibling and I chose to move hours away to escape her many years ago. I can cope with a weekly phone call and I deal with the guilt of her being older/needing help by organising this from afar.

Give yourself permission to pull back: you are not obliged to help her/spend time with her. She sounds terrible, particularly making comments about how great your dc’s father is! She sounds like she’s on a wind up. She won’t change and your relationship with her will not miraculously improve. I feel your pain, I’d love a different relationship with mine, I see her sister’s relationship with my cousins which is amazing but my mother will never be like that. You can mourn the imperfect relationship but it won’t change. You can choose to be upset or simply understand that she’s not the maternal model you want and pull back.