Advice please! Very tricky family situation

[BellaTrixLeStrange1]

I’d really appreciate some advice from you all.

bit of background: two years ago my FIL
had a mild stroke. He was initially expected to make a full recovery, but developed vascular dementia. He sadly died about two months ago.

My DH had a difficult relationship with him. His dad was physically violent and neglectful towards him when he was growing up, my DH’s mum fled the home due to domestic abuse which my DH witnessed as a child. I had no relationship with FIL, I think I met him maybe 4 times in total. I felt deeply uncomfortable being around him.

During his illness my DH visited him every week usually twice, and did various behind the scenes work with lawyers and doctors, carers etc. That was as much as he could do both practically and emotionally. We have young children, we both work incredibly long hours, and for the past year I have been in and out of hospital myself without a severe flare up of Crohn’s disease which required surgery.

Since he died though, my SIL has become incredibly angry with us and has cut us off because she thinks we should have done more. She did visit him more often, but she lives closer, works part time and doesn’t have children or a long term chronic illness. She’s said some incredibly hurtful things to and about both of us and about our family life and children. I get that she is grieving, but my DH is too. Our children have started asking why their Aunty isn’t around anymore.

I don’t know what to do. What would you do?

She's being unreasonable. You did plenty. Depends how old your kids are but I'd tell them aunty's having a bad patch and doesn't want to see anyone. Who is she saying all these hurtful things to?

She sounds like shes struggling with grief. Give her space and be there in the background and tell kids she's just still really upset about grandad xx

Just let her go. There is really no kore you can do. Tell your kids you don’t know why their aunt doesn’t come around anymore. Don’t make a big deal of it but don’t avoid it.

Ignore it. I don't see there's anything else you can do. Caring for elderly parents is really hard, and even harder when you have complicated feelings towards them. There's no point trying to explain yourselves to SIL - unless she is actually in your shoes, she won't understand.

Tell the children she is busy if they keep asking. Sometimes sibling relationships do break down with the strain of elderly parents.

The hurtful things are sometimes said to us - via voice notes sent to us directly, or to my MIL or mutual friends.

I would block her from being able to contact either of you. You do not need such a toxic and or otherwise malicious communicator in your lives.

If either your MIL or friends believe her then that is down to them. Your true friends know the truth. Those that matter do not mind and those that mind do not matter.

That’s where I have been at, but surely there’s a line that gets crossed when grief makes you start badly hurting other people, and how do you know where that line is? I kinda feel like me, DH and our kids don’t really deserve to be a punch bag.

Agree with you OP.
Block her both of you, and tell your MIL etc you don't want to be told anything coming from her.

Just disengage and don’t rise to it. She is lashing out and if she’s not willing to share grief and support, then you need to leave her to it until she’s had some time to process. Then she might be more receptive to talk. Or not, but that’s up to her.

Is your DH feeling strong enough to say that to her? Eg that you know she's grieving, as you are, but that she's being unfair and unkind in what she says and if that's what she thinks then please don't contact you. Be honest with your friends about how hurtful and difficult this has been. Do they know about your FIL' s violent past? Does your SIL actually know this or the full extent of it?

Your MIL surely must know how difficult he was, as another victim of his abuse. But as SIL is her daughter that's tricky. How has she been coping with it?

“but she lives closer, works part time and doesn’t have children or a long term illness” That doesn’t mean she doesn’t have other demands on her time, money, attention.

Maybe what she actually means is her brother could have done more to help her. And in the midst of grief, it’s coming out wrong. That doesn’t mean she should be rude or use you as a punchbag. But grief is chaotic and confusing and messes people up.

Perhaps my view is biased as I lost a parent in the last year. I dealt with it largely alone, whereas my brother had his wife and children. He barely gave me a second thought. You can block the messages and calls, not visit or have her visit, but bear in mind she is clearly struggling with her grief.

Some good questions there! SIL usually has no/very limited contacted with MIL. SIL is younger than my DH, and was not a victim herself, but she idolised their dad and demonised their mum for having to leave. I think (but I don’t know for sure) that’s a coping mechanism, as SIL doesn’t want to have to admit the truth about their dad.

DH, me and kids all have a great relationship with MIL and she is a big part of our lives. She’s been finding this situation really difficult.

Its really sad that SIL is clearly struggling ot I guess she wouldn’t be acting this way, but her behaviour is so incredibly hurtful, and I’m not sure I’d be able to trust her again, knowing that she has the ability to behave in this way.

I absolutely understand that perspective. Before I had children or was married, my dad died too of lung cancer. I moved in with him and nursed him because he wanted to die at home, my sister didn’t do much because at that point she had three kids under 5. So I do understand that these situations can be incredibly lonely, and that grief can mess you up.

Part of the reason that this is so sad is exactly because we recognise that we have more support around us than she does, and yet she has pushed us away when we are really the only people she has.

All you are going to hear on the thread is to just relax and let her be and say what she wants. You keep living your day to day life

You did what you could while battling your own issues. She seems very bitter. Block her and move on with your lives

It is sometimes the case that people with no kids cannot comprehend the level of commitment required. This may contribute to her misunderstanding of your situation.

There are 6 well documented stages of grief. The second stage is "Anger". You have become the target of her anger. If she can work through the 6 stages then the anger should subside.

When we are highly charged with emotion, we often say or write things that we later regret. She may already regret her words.

If she has no children to love and return her love, then the loss of her father is quite possibly the loss of the closest and most important person in her life. This should not be ignored. It is not an excuse for her to be hurtful, but it may help to understand her.

I think that what you do next depends upon how you and you DH value your relationship with her. If she has been a problematic person who you would be happy to distance yourself from then doing nothing is a good first step in distancing. However, if she has been an amazingly positive person and great with your kids, then you may wish to build bridges and restore the relationship.

Building bridges would require some communicating from you. If you chose this path then I think you should state that you fully understand her anger, and can see that she is still suffering from grief, but you should also let her know exactly how much help you gave to your FIL and the circumstances, such as hospital appointments, that prevented you from doing more. Identifying some specific situations where your FIL benefitted from your help would send a powerful message. You should then state how hurtful her words were but under the circumstances you have forgiven her, as it is all just part of the grieving process.

Hopefully this would then trigger an apology from her and a reconciliation.

It sounds to me like she is really struggling in life and the “unfairness” of the situation has triggered something for her.

Im wondering whether she sees their childhood very differently, and considers it “unfair” that your brother got more time with his parents together?

Im wondering whether she has an underlying assumption that as the older sibling he should be leading on care? I’m wondering whether she feels that it’s sexist that she has done more ? Or has an underlying sexist assumption that you should have been doing his care?

In your husbands place I would say to her that the messages are hurtful and he is going to begin deleting them unread, and has asked you and mil to stop sharing them with him. But, that he is willing to do a short block of family therapy sessions together with her if she thought that would be helpful .

It sounds like therapy could be very useful for her anyway, it sounds like she’s struggling a bit with a number of things outside her grief (no friends, issues with family that you mentioned) etc.

Finally, I just wanted to point out that people don’t often change without a lot of work. If FIL was that abusive to MIL, it is highly likely that his relationship with SIL also contained abusive elements and that part of the reason she isn’t able to acknowledge your husband’s lived experience as traumatising is because her father has behaved in a similar way to her as he did to MIL and she hasn’t left/cut contact etc.

If she has cut you off, what else can you do?

If you start contacting her, she will probably say you are harassing her.

Leave her be and if she says one more bad thing block her completely.

Just block her and tell MIL that you don't want to be told if she continues to say such awful things about you and your DH.

Your DH and your MIL obviously bore the brunt of your FIL's abusive behaviour and it was very good of your DH to visit him twice a week during his illness. I certainly wouldn't have done that.

Your SIL will be the loser as you say that she doesn't have many people in her life but she has chosen to unfairly abuse you and her brother. Notwithstanding her grief, she will reap what she has sown.

Her grief doesnt trump your DHs grief.

You should also block her and fuck her off. Why have a complete tosser like that in your life?

Fuck that shit.

There is often resentment where one sibling is doing - or feels like they're doing - the lion's share of the care for an old or ill parent, even when purely practical things like geography make it impossible to go 50/50.

Your situation is clearly a lot more complicated because FIL's children have very different life experiences with the same person that they're never going to see eye-to-eye on.

Ultimately though this is an issue for your husband to resolve. SIL sounds like she's struggling with grief, but that doesn't give her carte blanche to take it out on you. She needs to be set straight, but it has to come from him.

Your DH should contact her and say that whilst he understands she is grieving, neither of you are prepared to tolerate her unreasonable behaviour and if she doesn't stop you will both be forced to block her and cut off contact. She's using you both as a punchbag and it's out of order.