Advice please! Very tricky family situation

[BellaTrixLeStrange1]

I’d really appreciate some advice from you all.

bit of background: two years ago my FIL
had a mild stroke. He was initially expected to make a full recovery, but developed vascular dementia. He sadly died about two months ago.

My DH had a difficult relationship with him. His dad was physically violent and neglectful towards him when he was growing up, my DH’s mum fled the home due to domestic abuse which my DH witnessed as a child. I had no relationship with FIL, I think I met him maybe 4 times in total. I felt deeply uncomfortable being around him.

During his illness my DH visited him every week usually twice, and did various behind the scenes work with lawyers and doctors, carers etc. That was as much as he could do both practically and emotionally. We have young children, we both work incredibly long hours, and for the past year I have been in and out of hospital myself without a severe flare up of Crohn’s disease which required surgery.

Since he died though, my SIL has become incredibly angry with us and has cut us off because she thinks we should have done more. She did visit him more often, but she lives closer, works part time and doesn’t have children or a long term chronic illness. She’s said some incredibly hurtful things to and about both of us and about our family life and children. I get that she is grieving, but my DH is too. Our children have started asking why their Aunty isn’t around anymore.

I don’t know what to do. What would you do?

I wonder if your husband is in any way grateful for what she did? Or perhaps it’s just expected that she would take the heavy end as ‘she doesn’t have kids and lives closer?’. I feel sorry for her. You only saw FIL a handful of times so you have no idea how difficult it was, and maybe there’s truth in the terrible things she’s saying and you don’t want to hear it.

People can act very strange when they're grieving. I had what I thought was a good relationship with my SIL. My MIL died 20yrs ago, relatively young, from cancer. FIL died 6 yrs ago. Then my DH, her brother, got cancer straight after FIL death. It returned a few years ago and DH died last year aged 59. SIL has a lot of pent up anger at losing her family members, two of them very young, and she has no other siblings. SIL has not spoken to me for 6 months, since DH ashes were scattered. I'm just giving her space to deal with her feelings.

I’m going to go against the grain and ask if it would be worth responding to her messages with kindness?

I don’t know if your DH has it in him, but if he really is so sad for her as she has no one, it could be worth a try.

so every time she messages something hurtful/hateful, he responds ‘I get that you are hurting and we are always here for you if you need us’ or’I had a very complicated relationship with Dad, but I’m sorry the situation has hurt you’.

he could try responding to her emotions (pain, grief etc) rather than her words?

she’ll either stop messaging if that really isn’t what she wants, or she’ll eventually hear what he has to say.

MIL and you could just continue to ignore though.

I wouldn’t necessarily block though, although I’ve never been in your situation so I don’t know for sure.

You need to tell her that you don't agree with anything she is saying and that if she continues to leave nasty voice notes and talk badly about you to others you will be blocking her and taking appropriate steps to stop her hate campaign against you. She is bullying you - like father like daughter maybe?

The SIL is the one that cut them off. She doesn't want patronising platitudes she wants to hurl abuse at them.

Of course he is grateful - he told her that many times including in the speech he gave at their father’s funeral. He did as much as he was able to do, and still did a large amount.

As I said in my OP I only saw him a handful of times, partly because I always felt deeply uncomfortable knowing about the abuse. Partly because I’ve spent the past year in and out of hospital and recovering from surgery for Crohn’s disease.

I agree that this is something for your dh to
handle.

The fact of the matter is that many of us eventually become frail and bed bound and need practical help and this blunt reality doesn’t evaporate whether our families are NC or LC or whether we are nice or nasty or whatever!

And that puts everyone in an uncomfortable situation.

It sounds like your dh did what he could and some would argue, given his childhood, much more than most in the circumstances!

He needs to communicate directly with your sil about his perspective. I have sympathy for her because sometimes someone just has to step up in these situations as relying solely on state care can be very problematic.

However, I have every sympathy with your dh too given his childhood situation.

There is no right and wrong here. Both your dh and sil are justified in their differing stances. The only thing that can resolve this is communication and trying to understand the other’s perspective.

Feel like I should add that during the entirety of his illness FIL was either in a care home or hospital, so at no point were either DH or SIL doing any kind of physical care for him.

If block her tbh. Give her space and hopefully she grieve, get over it and come back with an apology.

You,have done plenty! Please go easy on yourself,sounds like you both have a great deal to managed already.From what I have read.To my mind you are doing great! Many people out there would not of been so Caring! Relatives, often get judgemental in situations when they are in unknown territory.Give her & you guys some space,untill you feel able to resume the relationship.

Block her and tell your MIL and everyone else that you don't want to hear anything about her

Address the abuse openly, abuse is abuse.