Advice about my husband please

[Harrietthesky]

I’ll put everything into bullet point type sentences to help my brain.

my husband hasn’t worked in 7 years
he is technically my carer. However I run a business and support the entire family.
when I am unwell (brain injury, ptsd, autoimmune disease) he lacks empathy. Even gets annoyed.

he games almost constantly to the point my son doesn’t ask him for help or for a drink etc he asks me. When I’m exhausted.

he lets my son play on iPad constantly.
when I suggest things are not fair I get full body anxiety because I know how awful the atmosphere will be.

we do laugh, we are intimate and we do go on days out but the pressure and the stress and disrespect feels overwhelming and at the moment my anxiety feels like I might die .

So what does he actually bring to the relationship? Does he actually do any caring? Would you and your son be better off/happier without him?

Why can't he get a job?

Doesn’t sound like he’s your carer in any meaningful sense. Why can’t he work?

What are you getting out of this relationship now?.

How is he at all your carer when he games constantly?. What sort of example is he showing your child?.

He makes you laugh, you go on days out and are intimate.

That is a very low bar you have for yourself here. Do you think your son and you would be better off without him?. You could well be.

How is he your carer? What does this involve?

The point of having a carer is that they care, but it sounds like he's just not doing this. So he has a choice - either overhaul his daily routine and actually care for you and your son properly, basically be a SAHD. Or return to work. If it's not viable for him to go full time because there are things that he does do for you that you've not mentioned and which he needs to do, then he can pick up some part time seasonal work - which will get him back into the general experience of working - maybe he could do some work for you and your business even?

If he's not doing anything to help you or the family and you are running the business on your own then he's not your carer , he sounds like a selfish lazy arsehole you'd be better off without him.

Being a carer is very hard and it does not come naturally to all, particularly if it’s meant a sacrifice (I.e. having to give up a job because of it). It sounds like he’s got resentment and possibly compassion fatigue. He’s got in a rut with gaming (avoidance?) and needs to get out of it

Thanks for these replies. He CAN work. He chooses not to. He also has full control of my money due to my brain injury.

im fine 90% of the time but occasionally I can be unable to stay awake/ function. But if I got reasonable amount of rest it would never come to this.

it makes me very sad. I’m such a determined person and I refuse not to work.

I could not have him around my business simply because I want to be alone when I work. I manage fine on my own.

it’s almost my escape. I do love him. I know it’s a low bar. I suppose I’m scared. What would life be like without him. I know I deserve better.

also/ hes not exactly lazy as he is at the gym every day, he is very work lazy.

I agree with the others - what does he actually do or bring to the relationship? Would having a cleaner or gardener help you more, and make your life less stressful? You could pay them out of the money you would save from kicking this deadbeat out.

Days out and laughter can be fulfilled by a friend - for free.
Intimacy? Well, isn't that based on respect and no resentment? So really it's about sex rather that Intimacy which can be fulfilled by a sex toy or a fwb - for free.

Im so sorry but he is an awful human being, never mind husband. Living off his disabled wife under the guise of caring for her, whilst letting her work herself sick and ignoring his kids. Divorce him, you will be better off financially, physically and emotionally.

So you earn the money and he controls it all? He’s got a remarkably good deal hasn’t he? Are you sure you need him? He doesn’t seem to bring much to the table and is actually making you unhappy.

OP, please raise your bar. I suggest some counselling for yourself to help you get clarity and some support from a professional. The fact that your DH does not care yet no doubt claims a carers allowance, controls your money, chooses not to work and spends his days gamimg or going to the gym is totally unacceptable. He sounds utterly selfish.

How did it happen that he has control of your money? Did you agree to it? Get back control of it, and have a long hard think about whether to continue this relationship. It sounds very unsatisfactory. I realise it must seem scary to contemplate living just with your DC but it could be very liberating for you. 🌺

I don’t have any disabilities but I work full time while my husband looks after the house and me, (and our son while he grew up) He never stops thinking about me and was a very hands on parent of our son. I had and have to do nothing if I don’t want to. He is a true carer.

Your husband sounds incredibly selfish, even without taking into account your medical issues. I can’t believe he needs to control the money given you are capable of running a successful business. I think you need to get him to support you properly and if he doesn’t, leave.

God almighty there is always one absolutely absurd male apologist on here. He doesn't care, he has no fatigue because he does nothing.

I'm struggling to see why he has full control over the money, if you can successfully run your own business?

Take back control of your own money for a start. I think he needs a wake up call stop making life so easy for him. He needs to get a job what a lazy man how can you respect that, btw what type of parenting is he teaching your don, if you won’t fix things for yourself but love tour son at least do it for him - what a dreadful example he is being set

Is he claiming benefits for being your "carer"?

Yes I went through a particularly bad time with my fatigue and handed everything over to my husband. Anything Numerical is unfortunately near impossible for me while I’m suffering badly with my injury which is so heartbreakingly frustrating.
I have a financial advisor who helps me with everything internally who I know would also happily help with other things in my personal finances if it came to it.

Re you being scared, scared of what?. Him?. His reactions ? The unknown?. Feel the fear and do it anyway.

This is no relationship model to be showing your son is it?. And you’re not getting anything out of the relationship either so why stay?.

He should not be in full charge of your money and you’re also subbing his gym use. Use your financial advisor instead to look after that .for you.

Thank you everyone. Part of me feels like if I broke up with him he wouldn’t be able to leave. He has no real friends, he cut himself off from family etc. I couldn’t let him be homeless.

his moods turn on a dime which is another thing. He’s never hit but has broken objects and he cannot exercise any patience if little one has a tantrum at all, so as you can imagine the tantrums escalate and then I have to deal with it.

any criticism even slight is met with awful moods which make me feel so uneasy, not out of fear but the uncomfortable atmosphere.

He lacks empathy in a big way, if I’m ill he tends to be quite angry, he refuses to research my conditions which you’d think he would be ok with but never attempts to understand even when I’ve sent nhs leaflet pdfs etc.

If I ever bring up my brain injury I get accused of talking about it non stop which I know is untrue.

I feel very stuck.

Where he goes if and when you split is not your problem. He’s an adult and capable of working. He has a cushy deal with you with him doing nothing other than gaming or being at the gym.

He is also not available to your son. Do you want such a man around you let alone your son?.

What do you mean he would not be able to leave if you broke up with him?. Again not your problem so do not take ownership.

He is not treating you at all well and breaking objects (I would assume your possessions in the main) is an example of domestic violence within the home. His moodiness too is an example of emotional abuse. Therefore your relationship to him is over, like it or not.

He certainly does not care about you and your child. You have a choice re this man and your child does not.

I feel very stuck.

That's because you are in an abusive relationship. It's still considered physical abuse even if it's not directed at you but at walls/doors in your presence. You are being physically, emotionally, mentally AND probably financially abused and that's an awful lot for you to understand and accept. I get that.

I think you need to contact Women's Aid to try and put your thoughts and emotions into some sort of order, and to find a way through the darkness.

As a physically and mentally able adult he will be expected to find a job to provide for himself. Any job. It's not down to you to provide for him for life, judges don't do spousal support any more because it is deemed unfair so stop being emotionally guilted.

Secondly start collating all financial information and contact a solicitor for a one off consultation to find out your rights. Knowledge is power.

how can you be responsible enough to run a business but not to manage your money?

I think you might need to seek some legal advice, do you have any trusted family or friends?