Is this acceptable parenting?

[halloweenanon]

I’m curious about an incident that took place yesterday.
I had taken children away for the week. 13, 11, 9.
Shortly after arriving home, DC9 was waving a plastic sword type thing around the kitchen. Part of a new halloween costume. I had asked several times to stop, and it was dinner time.
DC11 arrived for dinner and DC9 was waving the plastic toy around near DC11’s place. DC11 grabbed it to stop and it snapped. DC9 screamed.
I told off DC11. Immediately, DH entered. Asked what happened. I started to try to explain from the start (DC waving toy etc.) but DH stopped me from explaining. As soon as DH learnt what had happened, he told DC11 she would pay for replacement toy. I protested as the break had been an accident and DC9 had already been asked to stop many times before DC11 had grabbed it to get to her place as she walked past.
I said I would pay but DH insisted DC11 pay. She burst into tears. I followed her upstairs to comfort her.

After a while, DC9 was upstairs crying loudly about the incident and how unfair DC11 had been. I went it to explain. At this point, DH arrived in the bedroom and placed himself between myself and DC9 to stop me talking to and I couldn’t see DC9. I think I protested but then had no option but to leave room.

After a while, I was preparing dinner for DC9 and myself (I let other DC eat together somewhere else). I was calmly talking to DC9 about what happened. DH arrived in kitchen and explained to me he was only prioritising the needs of the children, I had taken too long to explain (I had barely had the chance and I had also felt I had dealt with the situation originally before he had turned up - I had told off my daughter immediately and we were ready to move on at that point) and then he made a comment about the children being my responsibility when this happened so I had responsibility for what happened.

Children recovered quite quickly but I felt upset and still do by what happened. It had been a fairly minor parenting incident that I was managing and it was turned into a huge issue by DH, or that is how it felt. I am unsure whether I am being oversensitive? But I also feel some of his words and actions were wrong/unnecessary.

He was a complete dick and undermined you.

I think the 9yo learned a good lesson about natural consequences. I wouldn’t have told the 11yo off for a mistake and I’d have been incredibly pissed off with DH for getting involved.

Your DH is a twat!

He was treating you like a misbehaving child as well.

Stopping you talking to your own child and placing himself as a barrier between you and your child is very worrying behaviour.

You need to talk about this when both of you are calm but if he can't see he behaved totally unreasonably then you will need to think how you want to proceed because such behaviour is likely to escalate.

“he made a comment about the children being my responsibility when this happened so I had responsibility for what happened”

If that’s what he thinks, why did he feel
the need to stick his nose in, interfere and undermine you? He can’t have it both ways.

Why on Earth is DC11 being vilified when DC9 should have done as he was told THE FIRST TIME and then they toy would not have got broken. Sounds like natural consequences to me. And it sounds like you are terrified of your children being upset.

I think just be aware that you may be in an unequal relationship. Does your DH discuss things generally with you, allow you to speak, and allow you to make decisions or does he try to dominate you/the household? Your description of him blocking you physically from talking to your child is disturbing. You say you had no option but to leave the room. That's not true. Just because he is bigger than you, you can not let him intimidate you. He sounds very disrespectful but of course I don't have all the details.

Also you have three children - and they are watching. Do not let them learn unequal gender dynamics.

Precisely.

Isn’t this basically the kid version of fuck around and find out?

I think to demonstrate my parenting had been ineffective before the event, then he had been required to step in to fix the situation. I have to admit, I was barely listening by this point and eventually gave up trying to make my point.

This.

DC9 should replace it with own pocket money refusing to pay attention. DH could have a timeout in the shed.

This. I would have taken the sword when it carried on after I told him to stop. Your 11 year old was justified in grabbing it to stop being hit with it as it was waved around. 9 year old loses sword and learns you don’t wave swords in peoples faces. Done.

I don’t have an issue with the children being upset. I have an issue with unfair treatment which what I perceived here. I had already told off DC11 myself for grabbing and she was upset enough (they are generally well behaved and lovely children around me).

The 11yo shouldn’t have been told off - and your 9yo should have been told “well, that’s what happens when you don’t listen”.

Wow. What an arrogant prick.

So, does your DH have a history of undermining you?
Or in the interests of balance, do you have a history of being an indecisive parent (either in reality or in his eyes) and he feels (rightly or wrongly) he needs to step in and bring things to a conclusion?

9yo should have just been told it was their fault for not listening. I would have said that to my 5yo at 9 I'd certainly not be buying them a new toy for ignoring me.

Undermining at times, yes. I am not indecisive as a parent and do most of the parenting - I seem to have managed to have parented the children fairly effectively so far. Genuinely, had he not stepped in, we would have swiftly got on with dinner with DC9 probably crying for a while about the toy.

I probably should have removed it. But until this point, only myself and DC9 in kitchen and I was cooking so sort of turned a blind eye. DC9 not obeying instructions from me is an issue at the moment which is annoying the other DC too. I have spoken to him this morning again about following instructions.

Your kids are fine, these things happen.

Your husband behaved appallingly. He modelled extremely poor behaviour in front of the children.

I don’t know what more I could do with DC around, other than leave the room. I did try to assert myself for a while but wasn’t getting anywhere, and wanted to remain reasonably calm with DC around.

you were wrong dc11 when it was completely dc9 fault land expecting them to pay for replacement is totally out of order

I don’t think DC11 was entirely blameless as she herself didn’t ask for it to be put down first and I’m not sure whether or not she was in the room when I was asking. But having said that, I might have done the same thing if I was her. The plastic was really weak.

But she shouldn’t have to ask - your 9yo was being badly behaved and faced the consequences.

Perhaps. They were both told off, ultimately. Her for grabbing the toy rather than asking (or asking me), and him for waving it around and not following instructions. This was about an hour after getting home so they’d had the afternoon in the car.

I still don't think the 11yo should have been told off. Your 9yo was being a brat.