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Original poster

Is this acceptable parenting?

44 replies

halloweenanon · 31/10/2025 09:16

I’m curious about an incident that took place yesterday.
I had taken children away for the week. 13, 11, 9.
Shortly after arriving home, DC9 was waving a plastic sword type thing around the kitchen. Part of a new halloween costume. I had asked several times to stop, and it was dinner time.
DC11 arrived for dinner and DC9 was waving the plastic toy around near DC11’s place. DC11 grabbed it to stop and it snapped. DC9 screamed.
I told off DC11. Immediately, DH entered. Asked what happened. I started to try to explain from the start (DC waving toy etc.) but DH stopped me from explaining. As soon as DH learnt what had happened, he told DC11 she would pay for replacement toy. I protested as the break had been an accident and DC9 had already been asked to stop many times before DC11 had grabbed it to get to her place as she walked past.
I said I would pay but DH insisted DC11 pay. She burst into tears. I followed her upstairs to comfort her.

After a while, DC9 was upstairs crying loudly about the incident and how unfair DC11 had been. I went it to explain. At this point, DH arrived in the bedroom and placed himself between myself and DC9 to stop me talking to and I couldn’t see DC9. I think I protested but then had no option but to leave room.

After a while, I was preparing dinner for DC9 and myself (I let other DC eat together somewhere else). I was calmly talking to DC9 about what happened. DH arrived in kitchen and explained to me he was only prioritising the needs of the children, I had taken too long to explain (I had barely had the chance and I had also felt I had dealt with the situation originally before he had turned up - I had told off my daughter immediately and we were ready to move on at that point) and then he made a comment about the children being my responsibility when this happened so I had responsibility for what happened.

Children recovered quite quickly but I felt upset and still do by what happened. It had been a fairly minor parenting incident that I was managing and it was turned into a huge issue by DH, or that is how it felt. I am unsure whether I am being oversensitive? But I also feel some of his words and actions were wrong/unnecessary.

OP posts:
redjeans28 · 31/10/2025 15:53

Your son gets free rein and your DD needs to tow the line. Your DH is creating a golden child in your son.

Original poster
halloweenanon · 31/10/2025 16:54

redjeans28 · 31/10/2025 15:53

Your son gets free rein and your DD needs to tow the line. Your DH is creating a golden child in your son.

Edited

I don’t disagree

OP posts:
mummypigoink · 31/10/2025 17:07

redjeans28 · 31/10/2025 15:53

Your son gets free rein and your DD needs to tow the line. Your DH is creating a golden child in your son.

Edited

As is the OP by criticising their daughter for the consequences of their son misbehaving.

Frankly OP you sound quite ineffectual and I’m not surprised your husband has to take over if this is happening often. What on earth was there to explain? DC 9: you were told to stop. You should not have been waving a plastic sword near your sister’s place. It is your fault your toy is broken.

Original poster
halloweenanon · 31/10/2025 17:19

mummypigoink · 31/10/2025 17:07

As is the OP by criticising their daughter for the consequences of their son misbehaving.

Frankly OP you sound quite ineffectual and I’m not surprised your husband has to take over if this is happening often. What on earth was there to explain? DC 9: you were told to stop. You should not have been waving a plastic sword near your sister’s place. It is your fault your toy is broken.

Show quote history

DH stepped in to tell off DD. I had parented the three children all week without an issue. I am definitely not generally ineffectual - I was brought up strictly and had been with family all week, with DC expected to behave. DH barely parents them. Perhaps I wasn’t tough enough on DC9 initially which is why he continued to wave the toy around but as I said, only he and myself were in the kitchen at that point. When the break occurred I told off DD initially and also DS for waving the toy around - either at that point or later (because DH came in quickly).

OP posts:
LouiseMadetheBestBroccoliPasta · 31/10/2025 17:48

"At this point, DH arrived in the bedroom and placed himself between myself and DC9 to stop me talking to and I couldn’t see DC9. I think I protested but then had no option but to leave room."

This is really crazy. Your H was acting as though you were attacking your child. He is deliberately undermining your authority, actively harming your relationship with your son, and creating a dreadful dysfunctional golden child-scapegoat dynamic between your children.

He is a very toxic parent.

What is your marriage like?

WhatNoRaisins · 31/10/2025 17:52

Is your DH a controlling person in general? How are his listening skills?

That made for a very uncomfortable read to me.

Motherofalittledragon · 31/10/2025 17:58

Your DH is a dickhead!

MissyB1 · 31/10/2025 18:04

Two separate points.
1: Your dh is arrogant and controlling. His behaviour is worrying. That needs addressing.
2: One warning followed by a consequence is the most effective way to deal with your ds. Multiple warnings simply encourage him to ignore you.

Original poster
halloweenanon · 31/10/2025 18:38

MissyB1 · 31/10/2025 18:04

Two separate points.
1: Your dh is arrogant and controlling. His behaviour is worrying. That needs addressing.
2: One warning followed by a consequence is the most effective way to deal with your ds. Multiple warnings simply encourage him to ignore you.

  1. this is behaviour I am seeing in increasingly over recent months and is worrying me. But not of this severity previously.
  2. yes - I am going to work harder on this!
OP posts:
Original poster
halloweenanon · 31/10/2025 18:40

WhatNoRaisins · 31/10/2025 17:52

Is your DH a controlling person in general? How are his listening skills?

That made for a very uncomfortable read to me.

he is but usually of his own environment rather than involving the children/parenting like this. Not a great listener when it comes to me but I’m used to helping him solve his problems rather than the other way around (if that makes sense)

OP posts:
Original poster
halloweenanon · 31/10/2025 18:41

LouiseMadetheBestBroccoliPasta · 31/10/2025 17:48

"At this point, DH arrived in the bedroom and placed himself between myself and DC9 to stop me talking to and I couldn’t see DC9. I think I protested but then had no option but to leave room."

This is really crazy. Your H was acting as though you were attacking your child. He is deliberately undermining your authority, actively harming your relationship with your son, and creating a dreadful dysfunctional golden child-scapegoat dynamic between your children.

He is a very toxic parent.

What is your marriage like?

not great but this behaviour had shaken me as this hasn’t been usual.

OP posts:
whatwouldlilacerullodo · 31/10/2025 18:55

halloweenanon · 31/10/2025 14:24

I probably should have removed it. But until this point, only myself and DC9 in kitchen and I was cooking so sort of turned a blind eye. DC9 not obeying instructions from me is an issue at the moment which is annoying the other DC too. I have spoken to him this morning again about following instructions.

Show quote history

Your DC does not respect you because that's what they see their dad doing to you. My XH used to undermine me just like that and DS2 started to copy him. I divorced XH. You are modeling a bad relationship to your DC.

Original poster
halloweenanon · 31/10/2025 18:57

whatwouldlilacerullodo · 31/10/2025 18:55

Your DC does not respect you because that's what they see their dad doing to you. My XH used to undermine me just like that and DS2 started to copy him. I divorced XH. You are modeling a bad relationship to your DC.

Show quote history

This has worried me.

OP posts:
TalulahJP · 31/10/2025 19:36

DH apparently has no respect for your parenting. Or possibly even you in general.

so I’d be sitting down after dc are in bed and calmly asking what made you feel you had to step in and undermine my parenting. Twice. You are happy to leave je getting in with it tge rest of the time so why did you feel today you had to intervene.

Tell him that because he made a mistake, not fully understanding what had gone down before he came crashing in, now dd will expect to lose some pocket money meanwhile ds who was misbehaving loses nothing. That’s not right. If you go back on that you undermine him. So what is he going to do to make things right.

He sounds like a right dick.

Original poster
halloweenanon · 31/10/2025 19:49

TalulahJP · 31/10/2025 19:36

DH apparently has no respect for your parenting. Or possibly even you in general.

so I’d be sitting down after dc are in bed and calmly asking what made you feel you had to step in and undermine my parenting. Twice. You are happy to leave je getting in with it tge rest of the time so why did you feel today you had to intervene.

Tell him that because he made a mistake, not fully understanding what had gone down before he came crashing in, now dd will expect to lose some pocket money meanwhile ds who was misbehaving loses nothing. That’s not right. If you go back on that you undermine him. So what is he going to do to make things right.

He sounds like a right dick.

He did it because he heard DS9 upset. DH doesn’t feel comfortable with the bond I have with DD. I get on well with all the DC but DS9 is the one that chooses to spend most time with DH.

OP posts:
WhatNoRaisins · 31/10/2025 19:50

I agree, try talking to him but if he isn't willing to listen to you then I don't know where you can go from that. Listening isn't a "nice to have" it's an essential for a relationship with a spouse.

jannier · 31/10/2025 20:14

halloweenanon · 31/10/2025 10:08

I think to demonstrate my parenting had been ineffective before the event, then he had been required to step in to fix the situation. I have to admit, I was barely listening by this point and eventually gave up trying to make my point.

Show quote history

Is he always a controlling obnoxious twat

jannier · 31/10/2025 20:16

halloweenanon · 31/10/2025 18:57

This has worried me.

Show quote history

It should DH is teaching him not to respect females

User2025meow · 01/11/2025 10:17

jannier · 31/10/2025 20:16

It should DH is teaching him not to respect females

Show quote history

This is what I also wonder about generally- i think it’s good for those of us who have boys and girls to just check in on- to make sure we’re not (and our DH are not) reinforcing this unconsciously. The wider societal issues misogyny etc start in the family.

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