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Original poster

To think this is flirty?

46 replies

GRJ212 · 30/10/2025 19:47

posted in Aibu earlier but didn’t get much of a response. Just after any other opinions.

I do have major trust issues following being cheated on repeatedly in a previous relationship. So I do struggle sometimes with knowing what is appropriate and what isn’t. Been with DP for ten years and no cheating but I do still struggle with trust at times.
He’s been in a new job for a little under a year and yesterday I saw his teams chat between him and a female colleague open on his laptop at our kitchen table. I’ve had a weird gut feeling about this lady for months. He rarely mentions her name to me despite me seeing it pop up on teams all the time. I had a look through the chat and there were a fair few things that really didn’t sit right with me but now doubting my own judgement.
At one point he mentioned her birthday and she asked if he would be wearing a particular item of clothing, to which he responded “if it would make you happy”. They also have a sort of in joke between them, in which they call each other made up characters and he’d made her a little picture of their two characters together. At one stage she had mentioned him throwing her under the bus to which he had responded “I’d never do that to you. Ever.” I don’t know it just feels a bit much. He also seems to regularly check in and ask if she’s ok etc.
I just cannot work out if I’m over thinking it. If this was the way he was with ALL colleagues I think I’d feel a bit better about things. But it’s not. Just with this woman. And now I can’t get it out of my head.

OP posts:
LomotheGreat · 30/10/2025 20:15

GRJ212 · 30/10/2025 19:47

posted in Aibu earlier but didn’t get much of a response. Just after any other opinions.

I do have major trust issues following being cheated on repeatedly in a previous relationship. So I do struggle sometimes with knowing what is appropriate and what isn’t. Been with DP for ten years and no cheating but I do still struggle with trust at times.
He’s been in a new job for a little under a year and yesterday I saw his teams chat between him and a female colleague open on his laptop at our kitchen table. I’ve had a weird gut feeling about this lady for months. He rarely mentions her name to me despite me seeing it pop up on teams all the time. I had a look through the chat and there were a fair few things that really didn’t sit right with me but now doubting my own judgement.
At one point he mentioned her birthday and she asked if he would be wearing a particular item of clothing, to which he responded “if it would make you happy”. They also have a sort of in joke between them, in which they call each other made up characters and he’d made her a little picture of their two characters together. At one stage she had mentioned him throwing her under the bus to which he had responded “I’d never do that to you. Ever.” I don’t know it just feels a bit much. He also seems to regularly check in and ask if she’s ok etc.
I just cannot work out if I’m over thinking it. If this was the way he was with ALL colleagues I think I’d feel a bit better about things. But it’s not. Just with this woman. And now I can’t get it out of my head.

Here's my logical thought process: He might not mention said team member because he is aware of how you might feel about him talking about another woman. (I assume he is aware of your insecurities).
If said woman was a man, the chat you came across would not cause concern. If you reframe it and turn her into a man, there is nothing to see. Loads of colleagues become close and have personal jokes.

However, I can empathise with you because a lot of the time I cannot decide whether my instincts are real, or on overdrive.

If he had anything going on with this woman, flirting or otherwise, he'd be an absolute plonker to leave his laptop on your kitchen table.

Splendidbouquet · 30/10/2025 20:17

I replied on your other thread OP and my opinion is still the same: having a private running joke between them and wearing clothes specially for each other shows their relationship is going down the route of inappropriate closeness. They are acting like bf and gf.
You need to talk to him about boundaries before their relationship goes any further.

Offredismysister · 30/10/2025 20:22

Not sure what sector he’s in but clearly professional boundaries aren’t a thing.

The wearing the top, saying he’d never upset her & designing the characters is weird & inappropriate & I’d think the same if it was a man.

What is your relationship like otherwise?

Gowlett · 30/10/2025 20:27

These sort of exchanges used to go on between me & one or two men in my office. I was a fun, flirty person. But they always started it. Think Daniel Cleaver (or more likely his older boss). It was accepted back then… Doesn’t mean anything will happen. She’s probably just playing along with the whole thing!

Subwaystop · 30/10/2025 20:56

Sounds inappropriate but was the computer really on the kitchen table or did you sneak a more invasive snoop?

Original poster
GRJ212 · 30/10/2025 22:08

Computer was really on, unlocked and with teams open! It is usually locked and I’d just popped down to make a brew. I DID have a proper snoop though at the chat though I scrolled up to see earlier messages. Those messages were over the course of a good few weeks. I told him I’d snooped and his response was that he didn’t feel he’d crossed any lines, there was no intention behind it and he doesn’t fancy her. He apologised if I was upset and said he would rein it in. But I’ll never be able to tell if he actually does. And although his response was good, it’s probably pretty much what he would say either way I would have thought.

OP posts:
Coffeislife · 30/10/2025 22:27

At the moment it seems innocent however there is a chance it could develope especially as both are doing things that could easily lead to a different revelation. What's the deal with the characters thing ??

bridezillaincoming · 30/10/2025 23:06

No just no. It’s so inappropriate and disrespectful! I wonder if he would think the same about not crossing boundaries if it was the exact same messages but from you to another man… I already know the answer to that!!

Gilgogirl · 31/10/2025 03:17

Splendidbouquet · 30/10/2025 20:17

I replied on your other thread OP and my opinion is still the same: having a private running joke between them and wearing clothes specially for each other shows their relationship is going down the route of inappropriate closeness. They are acting like bf and gf.
You need to talk to him about boundaries before their relationship goes any further.

Why do you want to stay with someone who doesn’t make feel secure or that you could even trust. What’s in it for you to stay in this unstable relationship where you don’t feel protected never mind respected. Why are you staying with him.

UpDownAllAround1 · 31/10/2025 05:30

Cant see anything wrong here

waterrat · 31/10/2025 05:56

Yes its flirting.

MsDogLady · 31/10/2025 06:23

@GRJ212, yes, this is flirty. They sound like a new couple.

In my view their connection is too close and intimate: he acknowledges wanting to make her happy and will wear her requested clothes on her birthday; they are in an affectionate bubble with in-jokes and relate as characters they’ve made up, a picture of which he drew for her; and he reassures her that he will always protect her. The emotional intimacy and reliance between them is inappropriate for a partnered man, and it feels like they’re already in EA territory. Have you investigated his phone?

He has really let you down, @GRJ212, yet he denies that their dynamic is inappropriate. How will you ever know if he has indeed distanced himself? I don’t believe I could move forward with these unsettled feelings.

SoManyDandelions · 31/10/2025 07:15

If a work colleague asked me to wear a particular outfit on their birthday to make them happy I'd be 🤮 If we had been friends, that would probably signal the end of the friendship.

Your DP's behaviour is definitely flirty and definitely inappropriate.

Original poster
GRJ212 · 31/10/2025 07:19

So the work outfit is something that everyone in the office was taking the p*ss out of. Not sure if that makes it any better or not. She was joking saying oh it’s my birthday are you wearing it. To which he replied “if it will make you happy”.
There are 3 kids involved and I have absolutely nowhere to go. I’m also not sure I can blow up everyone’s lives over this. It’s apparent that nothing physical has happened. But then am I really supposed to stick around forever wondering if it will?

OP posts:
VimesandhisCardboardBoots · 31/10/2025 08:17

I can't see that he's done anything wrong here. This all sounds like standard work chat to me.

You, on the other hand have crossed some major lines, and I'd be absolutely fuming if I were your husband. I could lose my job if it was found out my partner had gone through my Teams chat.

OchreRaven · 31/10/2025 08:17

I don’t think those messages automatically suggest an affair is or will happen. He’s maybe being a little flirty and enjoying this woman’s attention. The fact he didn’t get angry or dismissive when you told him is a positive sign that he’s probably not hiding some serious feelings for her.

I would be honest with him that your history means you have trust issues and this has triggered you even though you believe him. Ask him to be really open with his communication with this woman and not to say anything to her that he wouldn’t want you to read. Tell him you want him to have friends and don’t want to control who he can be friendly to but you also need to feel secure that nothing is going on behind your back and that your feelings are his priority. If he can agree to this then try to let it go and hopefully his actions will match his words.

smallsilvercloud · 31/10/2025 08:37

It does seem a bit too close, the picture of their characters makes it seem all cutesy, he wouldn’t be going there far with a male colleague. I think have a discussion, it’s makes you uncomfortable, if he’s respects your relationship he should put a stop to it. I had similar with my ex, no evidence of cheating but crossed boundaries on more than occasion, it’s ends up making you think you’re crazy.

Original poster
GRJ212 · 31/10/2025 08:58

Thanks for all the advice. I’m still in two minds over how to move forward over it. It’s difficult because he doesn’t seem to have actually crossed any lines. It’s more that he’s standing too close too the edge of it. It’s hard to actually articulate what it is in the messages that has gone too far. He has definitely said all the right things but I’m still struggling with the fact I’ll never actually KNOW what’s going on and it’s just a matter of blind trust.

OP posts:
Original poster
GRJ212 · 31/10/2025 09:01

OchreRaven · 31/10/2025 08:17

I don’t think those messages automatically suggest an affair is or will happen. He’s maybe being a little flirty and enjoying this woman’s attention. The fact he didn’t get angry or dismissive when you told him is a positive sign that he’s probably not hiding some serious feelings for her.

I would be honest with him that your history means you have trust issues and this has triggered you even though you believe him. Ask him to be really open with his communication with this woman and not to say anything to her that he wouldn’t want you to read. Tell him you want him to have friends and don’t want to control who he can be friendly to but you also need to feel secure that nothing is going on behind your back and that your feelings are his priority. If he can agree to this then try to let it go and hopefully his actions will match his words.

I think I’m struggling also as he doesn’t actually really acknowledge that there is anything in there he wouldn’t want me to read. He said he doesn’t think he’s gone too far, he doesn’t think he was being flirty but if it upsets me then he will modify it.

OP posts:
CoachNot · 31/10/2025 11:55

Yes, he is being disrespectful & inappropriate.
Would he show you these conversations?
Would work read there messages & think they are appropriate?
Is he in a senior position to her?

DiscoBob · 31/10/2025 12:06

The one with the clothing, 'if it will make you happy'. Is a bit needy and weird. Like what item of clothing could someone's colleague wear that would provoke a strong feeling of happiness? Like why would they care?! But it doesn't sound like she's saying anything especially untoward.

Original poster
GRJ212 · 31/10/2025 12:26

CoachNot · 31/10/2025 11:55

Yes, he is being disrespectful & inappropriate.
Would he show you these conversations?
Would work read there messages & think they are appropriate?
Is he in a senior position to her?

According to him, yes he would show me these conversations as he says there was absolutely nothing in it! And then I get properly confused trying to explain WHAT actually is in it that bothers me.

OP posts:
Original poster
GRJ212 · 31/10/2025 12:28

DiscoBob · 31/10/2025 12:06

The one with the clothing, 'if it will make you happy'. Is a bit needy and weird. Like what item of clothing could someone's colleague wear that would provoke a strong feeling of happiness? Like why would they care?! But it doesn't sound like she's saying anything especially untoward.

She doesn’t seem to be particularly inappropriate but there were a few little bits I wasn’t keen on. Like at one stage she says “so Mr (name) (name) what can I help you with (whatever) system” to which he says a straight answer and she then remarks that he’s being blunt. He then apologises and says he was busy. I don’t know. It didn’t sit well with me but I appreciate possibly all just normal work friendliness

OP posts:
Original poster
GRJ212 · 31/10/2025 12:39

CoachNot · 31/10/2025 11:55

Yes, he is being disrespectful & inappropriate.
Would he show you these conversations?
Would work read there messages & think they are appropriate?
Is he in a senior position to her?

It’s a weird structure. They are sort of the same level but he is paid more so I suppose senior to her.

OP posts:
Offredismysister · 31/10/2025 14:21

I’m reading between the lines that’s he being Mr cheeky banter guy with her & he’s not like that with you? Has he been distant lately, does he seem checked out of you & family life. Either way, it’s made you feel uncomfortable & that’s not ok.