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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

To think this is flirty?

46 replies

GRJ212 · 30/10/2025 19:47

posted in Aibu earlier but didn’t get much of a response. Just after any other opinions.

I do have major trust issues following being cheated on repeatedly in a previous relationship. So I do struggle sometimes with knowing what is appropriate and what isn’t. Been with DP for ten years and no cheating but I do still struggle with trust at times.
He’s been in a new job for a little under a year and yesterday I saw his teams chat between him and a female colleague open on his laptop at our kitchen table. I’ve had a weird gut feeling about this lady for months. He rarely mentions her name to me despite me seeing it pop up on teams all the time. I had a look through the chat and there were a fair few things that really didn’t sit right with me but now doubting my own judgement.
At one point he mentioned her birthday and she asked if he would be wearing a particular item of clothing, to which he responded “if it would make you happy”. They also have a sort of in joke between them, in which they call each other made up characters and he’d made her a little picture of their two characters together. At one stage she had mentioned him throwing her under the bus to which he had responded “I’d never do that to you. Ever.” I don’t know it just feels a bit much. He also seems to regularly check in and ask if she’s ok etc.
I just cannot work out if I’m over thinking it. If this was the way he was with ALL colleagues I think I’d feel a bit better about things. But it’s not. Just with this woman. And now I can’t get it out of my head.

OP posts:
DiscoBob · 31/10/2025 15:06

GRJ212 · 31/10/2025 12:28

She doesn’t seem to be particularly inappropriate but there were a few little bits I wasn’t keen on. Like at one stage she says “so Mr (name) (name) what can I help you with (whatever) system” to which he says a straight answer and she then remarks that he’s being blunt. He then apologises and says he was busy. I don’t know. It didn’t sit well with me but I appreciate possibly all just normal work friendliness

Show quote history

Hmm...I can't tell whether they are frenemies, flirting, normal colleagues who are bantering or genuine friends.

Have you socialised with him and her? If it's above board and they're mates surely he'd want you to maybe be friends with her also?

Original poster
GRJ212 · 31/10/2025 15:10

Offredismysister · 31/10/2025 14:21

I’m reading between the lines that’s he being Mr cheeky banter guy with her & he’s not like that with you? Has he been distant lately, does he seem checked out of you & family life. Either way, it’s made you feel uncomfortable & that’s not ok.

Not overly distant. Maybe a little. I’m trying to look back and think but nothing massive that sticks out. It wasn’t like I looked at the laptop because I was thinking he’d changed or whatever. It was just because her name popped up a lot and I thought it odd that she is rarely mentioned.

OP posts:
Original poster
GRJ212 · 31/10/2025 15:12

DiscoBob · 31/10/2025 15:06

Hmm...I can't tell whether they are frenemies, flirting, normal colleagues who are bantering or genuine friends.

Have you socialised with him and her? If it's above board and they're mates surely he'd want you to maybe be friends with her also?

Show quote history

Not socialised with him and her. He hasn’t been with the company that long (under a year). Only been one work event in that time and it wasn’t for partners to attend. As best I can tell from the chat (and from what he told me when I asked) they’ve not exchanged numbers, he hasn’t added her on any social media or anything. This may not be the truth though.

OP posts:
DiscoBob · 31/10/2025 15:19

GRJ212 · 31/10/2025 15:12

Not socialised with him and her. He hasn’t been with the company that long (under a year). Only been one work event in that time and it wasn’t for partners to attend. As best I can tell from the chat (and from what he told me when I asked) they’ve not exchanged numbers, he hasn’t added her on any social media or anything. This may not be the truth though.

Show quote history

Ok it sounds like they don't really have any correspondence outside of work or work channels? But you're still feeling something isn't right. So maybe there is something there?

What would happen if you said I'm not comfortable with this and think you need to rein it in with personal chat?

Original poster
GRJ212 · 31/10/2025 15:32

DiscoBob · 31/10/2025 15:19

Ok it sounds like they don't really have any correspondence outside of work or work channels? But you're still feeling something isn't right. So maybe there is something there?

What would happen if you said I'm not comfortable with this and think you need to rein it in with personal chat?

Show quote history

That’s exactly what he offered to do. But I just have a niggling feeling, like I would never know if he has actually reined it in. It’s just blind trust. And if things do develop I’ll be forever kicking myself that I knew.

OP posts:
Original poster
GRJ212 · 31/10/2025 15:34

I also worry that any time he has to stay late at the office, any time he has a work event I am going to be thinking the worse. And that’s no way to live.

OP posts:
caringcarer · 31/10/2025 15:35

It is flirty. Hopefully he will reign it in now he knows you are upset.

DiscoBob · 31/10/2025 15:35

GRJ212 · 31/10/2025 15:32

That’s exactly what he offered to do. But I just have a niggling feeling, like I would never know if he has actually reined it in. It’s just blind trust. And if things do develop I’ll be forever kicking myself that I knew.

Show quote history

Has he cheated before? If he's saying he'll rein it in and you don't trust him to do so, then it must be pretty hard to be with him?

caringcarer · 31/10/2025 15:36

caringcarer · 31/10/2025 15:35

It is flirty. Hopefully he will reign it in now he knows you are upset.

I would probably point out it is boosting this women's confidence at the expense of undermining your self esteem and confidence. You are his wife and he should want to make you feel cherished.

Original poster
GRJ212 · 31/10/2025 15:47

DiscoBob · 31/10/2025 15:35

Has he cheated before? If he's saying he'll rein it in and you don't trust him to do so, then it must be pretty hard to be with him?

Show quote history

Not cheated no. But there have been instances where trust has been broken. And things he has intentionally not told me so that he can avoid a difficult conversation

OP posts:
Original poster
GRJ212 · 31/10/2025 15:50

caringcarer · 31/10/2025 15:36

I would probably point out it is boosting this women's confidence at the expense of undermining your self esteem and confidence. You are his wife and he should want to make you feel cherished.

Show quote history

This is true and I will point it out. Even though he is so far denying that the messages are anything beyond flirty and I’m really struggling to articulate what about it all feels like a line has been crossed or nearly crossed.

OP posts:
UpDownAllAround1 · 31/10/2025 15:53

So you are saying now trust has been broken before. Drip fed into it. Not going to get any better

Original poster
GRJ212 · 31/10/2025 16:07

The trust wasn’t really broken in a cheating way though. So the first time was very early in the relationship his ex girlfriend kept contacting him asking him for certain belongings. It got to the point where I was like just don’t contact her back. Anyway, he did and then when asked about it told me he hadn’t. I later saw a message that was clearly a response to his. There was nothing in it or whatever. They clearly didn’t have any feelings for one another but he said he lied to me as he felt like I’d be upset that he had messaged after he had agreed not to.
The second time was more recently. He was messaging one of the mums from DD’s school and it developed into a friendship that he never told me about as he knew I wouldn’t be happy about it. The frequency of the messages was a lot. But again there was absolutely nothing in them of a sexual nature and he had already stopped any contact with her before I found out. BUT he did initially deny it when i questioned him.

OP posts:
DiscoBob · 31/10/2025 17:13

GRJ212 · 31/10/2025 15:47

Not cheated no. But there have been instances where trust has been broken. And things he has intentionally not told me so that he can avoid a difficult conversation

Show quote history

Yeah that's not great. You don't deserve to feel like you don't trust him.

HundredMilesAnHour · 31/10/2025 17:22

So he’s not ‘allowed’ by you to have female friends? Hardly surprising that he’s not honest with you about any female contact then. You sound controlling and insecure. Which impacts how he behaves. Then you sense he’s behaving differently and snoop through his laptop (which could get him fired!) and trust him even less. And so the vicious circle continues…..

tragichero · 31/10/2025 17:38

It's flirty and I think it crosses a few lines, but I don't see any evidence they have actually cheated.

The made up names with the picture is the bit I really wouldn't like.

It's a good sign they haven't swapped numbers (as far as you know).

I do think it's possible for workplace friendships to become flirtier than they should just out of boredom and being flung together in adversity. It doesn't always imply cheating intent.

It's positive he has offered to reign it in. Will he agree to letting you read their future messages to set your mind at ease, do you think? It wouldn't be an unreasonable request, as he has crossed a few lines in this instance. (Normally I think everyone should have their privacy, but in this case I would understand your need to check the chat, in his position).

shivermetimbers77 · 31/10/2025 18:10

I would read that as flirty too. You did the right thing to mention it and hopefully he will rein it in now.

Original poster
GRJ212 · 31/10/2025 18:28

tragichero · 31/10/2025 17:38

It's flirty and I think it crosses a few lines, but I don't see any evidence they have actually cheated.

The made up names with the picture is the bit I really wouldn't like.

It's a good sign they haven't swapped numbers (as far as you know).

I do think it's possible for workplace friendships to become flirtier than they should just out of boredom and being flung together in adversity. It doesn't always imply cheating intent.

It's positive he has offered to reign it in. Will he agree to letting you read their future messages to set your mind at ease, do you think? It wouldn't be an unreasonable request, as he has crossed a few lines in this instance. (Normally I think everyone should have their privacy, but in this case I would understand your need to check the chat, in his position).

I don’t know if he’d let me read their future chats. TBH I’d feel a bit weird asking. See previous poster who already thinks I’m overly controlling. I imagine demanding to read teams chats would probably seem like that. Maybe I should ask him, but then He doesn’t actually agree any lines have been crossed but said he will be more mindful about how he communicates with her.

OP posts:
Original poster
GRJ212 · 31/10/2025 18:29

HundredMilesAnHour · 31/10/2025 17:22

So he’s not ‘allowed’ by you to have female friends? Hardly surprising that he’s not honest with you about any female contact then. You sound controlling and insecure. Which impacts how he behaves. Then you sense he’s behaving differently and snoop through his laptop (which could get him fired!) and trust him even less. And so the vicious circle continues…..

I’ve never once said he’s not allowed to have female friends? He’s had many, including multiple previous female colleagues as his old work place. But I’ve never felt like this before about any of them.

OP posts:
HundredMilesAnHour · 31/10/2025 19:15

GRJ212 · 31/10/2025 18:29

I’ve never once said he’s not allowed to have female friends? He’s had many, including multiple previous female colleagues as his old work place. But I’ve never felt like this before about any of them.

Show quote history

You wrote in an earlier post “He was messaging one of the mums from DD’s school and it developed into a friendship that he never told me about as he knew I wouldn’t be happy about it.”

Yoy wouldn’t be happy about that? If you don’t mind him having female friends, what’s the problem? Same question when you told him to stop replying to his ex in the early days of your relationship. This is why you sound controlling. Of course he also sounds like a wimp as he nods along to what you say and then carries in behind your back and lies about it.

So which started first? Your lack of trust or his lying? You both need to break this circle of behaviour or you might as well break up unless you intend to spend the rest of your lives being unhappy.

Splendidbouquet · 01/11/2025 04:44

GRJ212 · 31/10/2025 16:07

The trust wasn’t really broken in a cheating way though. So the first time was very early in the relationship his ex girlfriend kept contacting him asking him for certain belongings. It got to the point where I was like just don’t contact her back. Anyway, he did and then when asked about it told me he hadn’t. I later saw a message that was clearly a response to his. There was nothing in it or whatever. They clearly didn’t have any feelings for one another but he said he lied to me as he felt like I’d be upset that he had messaged after he had agreed not to.
The second time was more recently. He was messaging one of the mums from DD’s school and it developed into a friendship that he never told me about as he knew I wouldn’t be happy about it. The frequency of the messages was a lot. But again there was absolutely nothing in them of a sexual nature and he had already stopped any contact with her before I found out. BUT he did initially deny it when i questioned him.

Edited

So basically he has history for being dishonest with you in his relationships with other women: he lied to you about messaging his ex and he had a secret friendship with a school mother.

No wonder you can't trust that he will rein in his relationship with this woman colleague because his previous history suggests he will say one thing and do another: he will just makes sure he hides it from you.

He obviously needs the attention of women outside your marriage. And he has shown he is not open and trustworthy. I couldn't live with a man who undermined me and our relationship in the way he obviously does.

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