Wife hit me, unsure on how to proceed.

[Random3932]

Will keep this very short. My wife has never been aggressive to me in the six years we have been married, nor I to her.

Yesterday we were playing a game and in the course of joking around (with her, with her laughing), I knocked over something she had built in the game. She suddenly slapped me, pretty hard. It was an aggressive slap. No alcohol was consumed by either of us, no drugs etc... This was just out of the blue,

I left and spent the night at a friend's - haven't been back since.

Haven't disclosed the reason why to anyone. Would appreciate some perspectives on this. Will leave it at that. Thanks.

Well I disagree. It’s his wife, and it was totally out of character.

Absolutely. Leave. Anything else would be to say that even on one occasion it is acceptable, which it isn’t.

I agree with this.

First she needs to apologise. If this is entirely out of character, a discussion needs to be had about what is going on in her life that led to this outburst and if a GP appointment is required that should be encouraged.

Throwing a marriage away on the basis of one out of character action is a bit previous.

Meet and discuss. Understand more before you make a decision.

Many abusers do apologise but go onto further escalate their behaviour. She would never face slap a person in the street or a work colleague like she did to her H, a person who she purports to love.

She may not want to see her GP and could well say there’s nothing wrong with her.

Anger management courses are no answer to domestic violence.

This is a 6 year marriage with no previous violence whatsoever. On that basis I think it’s sensible to move cautiously rather than do anything in the heat of the moment. Any violent tendencies would surely have surfaced prior to this if she was that way inclined. I may be wrong but I think a proper discussion and then possible medical investigations are appropriate.

Double standards - if this were a wife posting that their husband had slapped them, it would be ‘ltb’ all the way.

there is no excuse - no medical emergency - no ‘I just forgot myself’. It’s domestic violence.

Agreed!

Was it really out of character or has there been signs? If you really think back. Has there been anger issues, raising of voice, doing some things a bit too hard when things don't go her way etc.

Completely agree. I don’t understand why posters are trying to find excuses - is it just because it’s a female DV perpetrator?

I once slapped my boyfriend. I absolutely hate a particular part of my body being touched (not anywhere sexual BTW), which he knew, and we were joking around, he touched there and I slapped him. I don't think I could have stopped myself, it's a reflex. Other people have touched me there too and I'll crouch or double over or push them away without thinking about it. Could it be something like that?

If out of character though, I suppose you're left with abuser, unwell, or massive lapse of judgement followed by profuse apologies. I'd hear her out after six years if everything has otherwise been great. Has it?

I can’t agree with that. If this was a man who’d done this to a woman, nobody would be saying that.

(this could also be a same sex marriage, I don’t see where it’s specified that this is a male poster although I may have missed that, but that’s neither here nor there).

OP, I’m sorry this happened to you. You need to leave her.

A Few wife/husband hit me threads about ATM.

It'd kill any love I have for my husband if he hit me. I probably wouldn't report a slap but I would leave him. I'd recommend anyone else leave too. Once you've crossed that boundary once there's no going back

I had such a relationship with a woman years ago because we had a kid together even though she would hit me all the time. I would leave almost every other weekend, she would use her own child to emotionally blackmail me by coming to my house with her crying, flowers, apologies etc.

I finally left after 3 years and with her arrested. 10 YEARS LATER, i am still in therapy, face PTSD with women, it's hard.

Document everything when you speak. This is a bad sign and it may happen again if you let it go just that easily.

Please observe the double standards OP - ignore them.

remember you are on MUMSnet

I’d be saying the exact same thing if a man had hit his wife after never exhibiting any violent behaviour at all in 6 years and over something very minor such as a game. Chances are it’s not anything medical but that possibility shouldn’t be ignored.

Then your standards need to be higher. You think hitting someone over something minor makes it better? That’s worse! That someone couldn’t control themselves over something minor?!

I hit my dh with a tea towel once. I can't remember why I was so upset. We had very small kids at the time.

DH pulled me down two steps by the ankle (,I had been sitting on the stairs) once, even longer ago. Again I don't remember why.

I have never done it before or since and neither has he, we have been together 36 years.

I suppose I am saying, talk to her. It might still be over, but people can have lapses and make mistakes and it not be part a pattern of abuse. I guess you will know if she is brittle, threatening, controlling, rage filled, jealous...or whether this appears out of character.

That’s my point exactly 🤦 I’m not minimising it - I’m saying that a totally calm person for 6 years prior losing their temper that badly over something minor is a concern. Look at my previous posts as to why I’m saying there could be a medical reason for this .

That doesn’t make it acceptable.

As usual the responses based on the fact it’s a woman who has hit a man doesn’t fail to disappoint

If my husband had behaved like this towards me, and I knew it was totally out of character, I would be worried and wanting to seek help for him rather than filing for divorce.
Of course domestic abuse should never be tolerate, but that doesn't sound like what's going on here.

The 1st slap always is. It only becomes part of their "character" when it becomes more than 1. I never thought my ExH was capable of hitting me.....until he did.

I have not said I think it’s acceptable- I don’t BUT the situation OP described is very unusual and given my own experience with sudden out of character violence I just wanted to make OP aware there could be a medical reason behind this.