Should I ask for a break?

[Ejs890011]

my husband comes home last night was super happy, we had a lovely cuddle on the sofa I said I didn’t want sex.

then when I went to bed an hour later he proceeded to say “it’s crazy so many couples break up in the first year of a baby being born”
I asked what does he mean then he proceeded to say oh I am just saying.
I was like ok so I went back to playing my monopoly go on my phone. Then he goes and starts saying how he is miserable even before our son is born. We don’t cuddle anymore.

he then states he wants to go to the gym to work on himself and feel better for his mental health and have something he wants to do.

now I give him lots of chill out time, he has a bath every night he chills in there for 20 mins while I look after our son even though I have done all day.
weekend just gone he washed his car. I ended up having to wash the dogs and look after our son.
we went swimming the three of us and he said he would do the cooking as he loves cooking makes him happy. So I ended up having a shower with our son watching me as I couldn’t leave him on his own as he was irritable.

also I wanted to paint a piece of furniture this weekend and told him on Friday that I wanted to finish so if he can stay with the baby. He said sure but Saturday rolls round and he wants to fix his lawn mower for a few hours so I can’t paint my furniture as I have to look after our 14 week old son.

Now I don’t appreciate him saying he has nothing for himself when he has all that time. I have no time for myself during the day. I interact and play with our son then, when he has his nap he only naps for 20mins so in that 20mins I do housework. So I really never have a break.
also we don’t have money at the moment, I don’t even have money to buy a correctly fitting bra and I am very unhappy in myself because of it. But we need to pay bills so I get on with it. Yet he can go and get a gym membership.
I just feel I want to have a break because I can’t make him happy anymore and it’s so much pressure on me and he doesn’t appreciate half of what I do for him.
should I take a break? Also should I ask him m to leave our house or should I live with our son to my parents house?

???
None of those things are him having time to himself. My advice would be, instead of walking out at the first hurdle, talk to him, work things through together. Communication is the absolute key here. It’s not your job to make him happy. It’s both of your jobs to try to work together as a family unit though.

That sounds really tough, and it’s clear you’re doing everything you can to keep things going. You’re looking after your baby, managing the house, and trying to support your husband while getting very little time or space for yourself. It’s completely understandable that you feel exhausted and unappreciated.

Right now, it might help to step back and get some breathing room. If you can stay with your parents for a few days, that could give you a chance to rest and think about what you really need. You could also use that time to decide what boundaries or changes you’d need in order to stay together.

When things calm a bit, try to talk to him about how you’re feeling — that you’re both struggling, but you can’t carry everything alone. He may not realise how much you do every day.

If he isn’t willing to make changes or share the load, it would be fair to think about a longer break. You deserve support and space to feel like yourself again.

He's lonely and missing you your tired and touched out. It will pass. Try not to point score it doesn't ever help.

Sounds likes he is looking for an out anyway

Sounds to me like you’re both thinking the grass is greener on the other side but actually neither of you is really getting time for yourself or time for yourselves as a couple. Talking and working together on the problems would be a start unless you want this to be the beginning of the end of your marriage. Time and effort is needed for each other

Leave.

Put down Monopoly Go and talk to him. Tell him you both need time to yourselves and together as well.

It's really hard when you have a young child but you need to be kind to each other as well as yourselves.

I remember both of us feeling this so much with babies and so did all my friends! It’ll pass OP. There isn’t any time because there just isn’t, but it’s the way it goes when babies cannot be left alone for a second. I know how sad you are isn’t family splitting up stuff, this is drudge with a baby stuff

Your complaint is not having time away from your baby and having no money, how will kicking him out help either of those things?

WE WERE ON A BREAK

You've had a child together, yet neither of you appear to be able to just fucking talk to eachother.

He's telling you he's unhappy and feeling distant from you, using every word and action possible except the words "I'm unhappy and feeling distant from you".

And you'd rather act like a high schooler and "take a break" than have a conversation about how you're feeling underappreciated and taken for granted.

Literally just. Talk. You're going to have to get used to it because having kids doesn't get any easier down the line if both of you communicate in riddles and silence and passive aggression. It's also not nice for your kid so time for both of you to grow up and work on your communication skills.

Lawnmower repair and bathing aren't enjoyable, are they?
Neither spouse can ask the other to leave the marital property, but how do you think the marriage, and your life, would be improved by living in your parents house?

A lot of men underestimate the grind involved with rearing a young child, and when it finally dawns on them they often scurry away, throwing themselves into obscure tasks and projects, and magically discover new hobbies that take them out of the house for extended periods.

Some of them have also been raised in households where their mothers did rather a lot for them growing up and from that they developed the misconception that women are hardwired to enjoy the grind and that rather than needing time away from their young child, relish in it.

The solution to the problem, whether he is an underestimator or a misconceiver, is communication - specifically about the toll that carrying this load largely alone is taking on you and your appetite for intimacy, and what tangible actions you would like to see happen for the good of your relationship.

If you need a couple of days at the parents to clear your head in order to approach this calmly, then that may be a good idea.

Men are not mind readers. They need to be told what we are thinking and and how we are feeling. Let's start with that.

A 20 min bath every day? Whilst op has to settle with a shower with the baby nearby. Cleaning his car is time to himself....my ex would spend ALL day cleaning his car, that was his thing. The division of child caring is not equal, OP is doing the majority and he wonders why shes not up for sex??

Op sounds like resentment is creeping in both sides, if its not nipped in the bud now you will go past the point of no return.

OP didn’t have to have a shower .. she chose to have a shower and to also take the baby as he was unsettled - she could very easily have had a bath and left the baby with her husband. He cleaned his car while she cleaned the dogs - so both were cleaning something. He didn’t demand sex or complain OP wasn’t up for it. It’s like we’re reading different posts 🤔

We really aren't. The jobs he does that are mentioned are not family chores. Tinkering with a lawnmower for 4 hours?? She had to do the dogs on her own and mind the baby because he decided to clean his car.

The op had to take the baby whilst she showered and he cooked because the baby was irritable...... doesnt sound very relaxing to me regardless of whether she showered or had a bath. But he gets an uninterrupted 20 min bath every day.

She wanted to have a bit of non baby/no distraction time to paint some furniture and that didnt happen because she done all the baby work. Why couldnt he have taken the baby when he was cooking, orr cleaning the car or having his bath?? He sounds utterly selfish if you ask me.

he was probably looking for some kind of engagement or conversation with you and this happened …

I was like ok so I went back to playing my monopoly go on my phone

I think the gym sounds like a great idea- for BOTH of you. If money is tight you could suggest you take up running instead. Or go to one of those free outdoor park gyms. The main thing is whatever money/free time investment he gets. You get equal. Explain that to him and stick to it!

Exactly. He wanted to connect with you and you ignored him for a game on your phone.

Sounds like both of your conversation skills are lacking , both of you need to make an effort.

that first year of adjusting to a new baby is tough but you don’t just walk out over trivial things.

The early years of parenting are really hard.
Mine are older now but I wish I'd spoken up sooner about needing time to myself and not martyred myself to the kids, my dh and the housework. It doesn't do anyone any good in the long run.
You need to state clearly to him what you need and ask him what he needs and then figure out the logistics to make it happen.
It's also really important that you get time together to be a couple. We couldn't do babysitters in the early years but even organising a little at home date once the baby is down where you do something a bit different and focus your attention on each other can make a massive difference.

So if he doesn’t fix the lawnmower the garden chores can’t be done. Washing dogs = washing car. Op didn’t have to take baby to the shower, she could have left him with her dh, she chose not to do this. She didn’t paint furniture because her dh was fixing a house appliance. She could easily have insisted he had the baby while she did what she wanted, but she didn’t. And let’s also remember, he tried to engage but she chose to play a game on her phone instead.
There is miscommunication on both sides here.

This is exactly why so many couples break up in the first year after a baby is born!!! Neither of you have the free time or flexibility you used to, one or both of you doesn’t have the enthusiasm or energy for intimacy that you used to, and exhaustion means you don’t communicate clearly. Your DH is trying to tell you he wants some time to himself and going to the gym would be very sensible as it’s wonderful for mental health and endorphins. You equally understandably need a break and feel you aren’t getting them. The solution is to sit down together and work out a plan that gives you both some free time (which by the way is much easier when you only have one child). Eg he goes to the gym after work three evenings a week, three other evenings you get equivalent time off either to go out (even if it’s just a walk or sitting in a cafe with a magazine). Or whatever. But the solution here is communication and you each getting equal time to yourselves, not kicking him out.

Wow, really dont get it do you. You must live in a above average marriage.

There's not really many things to go wrong with a lawnmower. . . Oil, spark plug etc. It doesn't take 4hrs.

Ill guarantee she didn't choose to take the baby for a shower, more like "oh take him with you as im concentrating on cooking"

He could have done the dogs and baby whilst she cleaned the car. Ill guarantee it wasn't an option.

I really do get it. I’m not sure what you mean by an above average marriage .. but yes we share chores, children equally. If I need/want a long bath then I simply leave dc with dh. I suspect OP takes her ds with her instead of being assertive and telling him he needs to have the baby. Neither of them sound mature enough to muddle through this amicably, communicate and work together 🤷‍♀️
Love your ‘guarantees’ btw 🤔
We’ll have to agree to disagree 🤷‍♀️