Affair was much worse than he admitted to.

[Recentclock]

I had a previous thread in AIBU, where I had found out my husband was having what I thought was some sort of emotional affair: https://www.mumsnet.com/talk/am_i_being_unreasonable/5326813-husband-swapping-instagram-details-at-gigs.

We had since reconciled and things have been better but I have now found out that he actually went on holiday with her for a week last year when he told me he was going with work colleagues, and he has still been messaging her as recently as June!

He made me feel like I was some paranoid lunatic whenever I asked him if he was messaging her again. Turns out it was a whole lot worse!

I don’t even know what I’m asking, I just found out today. I feel so lost and alone 😞

I'm so sorry. Do you know what you want to happen next?

Really sorry to hear that, OP. People who are cheating tend to minimise. How did you find out? Did he tell you? Does he know you know? You don’t have to make any decisions yet. You can sit with this information while it percolates. You might choose to rethink the reconciliation but the key point is you don’t have to decide anything yet.

I remember your first thread, i really believe hes not a man to trust.
I assume he physically cheated on you during that week? How did you find out?
I'm sorry OP, it must be so hard after everything he did and hoping for a successful reconciliation.
You deserve so much better than this, I hope you find peace x

I went snooping and found some little love notes from her on receipts from the place they had been together. I am not the sort of woman who can sit on something like this so I have confronted him. He is full of self loathing and apologies and is flying home early (from a genuine trip) “to try and fix it” I have told him he can’t stay here when he gets back.

My suggestion would be too get really angry, stop feeling lost and alone and tell him to fuck off. He has told you who he is twice, don’t let their be a third time.

So what work did he do before while lying to your face? Did he have individual therapy to work on why he wants validation from other women? Or did he just make promises based on lies and misinformation and you rugswept?

He played DARVO and made himself into the victim when he's abused you physically and emotionally by cheating and his lies.

Get STI testing ASAP. You've been exposed to someone else's flora and possible STIs.

Get your ducks and financials in order and see a lawyer for info as to what you can expect if you divorce him.

He didn't come clean on his own. You found evidence. He's not sorry about his affair, he's sorry he got caught.

@Recentclock, my heart goes out to you. Your pig of a Husband has been duping you and cheating with this OW for at least a year, all the while contemptuously accusing you of lunacy.

His emotional infidelity and then holidaying/physically cheating with her for a week were horrific betrayals, and staying in touch all this time was a continuation of the affair. He even kept her little love notes. He has felt entitled to shit all over you via stealing your agency and consent/choices, as well as putting your sexual health at risk. The man feels no true remorse or empathy.

Get fierce and keep him gone, @Recentclock. There’s no ‘fixing this’. Don’t allow yourself to be bamboozled by his crocodile tears or this performative gesture of flying home. It’s a con. You know what this lying narcissist has done and what he’s capable of. Reconcile at your own peril.

Oh there is no coming back from this. He is not to be trusted. Be careful he will not treat you well. He is not a good person

Hold on, this pos is trying to make you feel you're mad while systematically deceiving you. Unforgiveable.

You have this chance to get legal advice and to look at how life would be if you split from him.
Spend this time wisely.

He hasn't been honest with you at all and will now backtrack hugely and use every trick in the book to convince you not to divorce him.

But that is your decision to make, not his.

I hate to say it but I imagine there is a lot more that you don't know about so prepare yourself for that.

You need to walk away. You'll never trust him again. How can you he's lied repeatedly? He's still not telling you the truth and letting you find shit out in dribs and drabs. He's minimising the reality of the affair to try and control the damage rather than admitting the full truth and taking accountability. You'll be reliving his affair and the betrayal over and over ever time you get more details. There's no way forward. He'll cry,, be self deprecating, potentially suggest gestational suicidal but that's all about him and is just manipulation. Walking away from a lying, cheating, shagger isn't ruining your family. His behaviour has ruined your family.

He went on holiday with her? What a piece of shit! I’d kick his sorry arse to the kerb because he’s making a fool out of you.

Thanks for your thoughts everyone. I am still here, cycling through blood boiling anger and total despair. I am finding the level of his deceit quite disturbing, when he came back from his jolly holiday with her he was happily telling me the details of everything they did, pretending it was with work colleagues! He is on his way back, adamant to fix things. I have booked some therapy to begin to understand why I am happy to accept so little.

Quite honestly OP given what you have found out about his holiday with his OW and his continuing contact with her I would seriously be expecting that there are an awful lot more incidents of deceit and cheating yet to emerge.

From your other thread it's quite clear he has a long history of having a roving eye where other women are concerned.

For your own self respect and future happiness you really need to end this relationship. He has proven he has no hesitation in lying to your face. You cannot trust him one iota.

There will be more yet to come out I expect. He is clearly not an honourable man, do not let his weasel words con you into taking him back. Keep strong OP x

What on earth does he think he can say or do to fix this mess that he has deliberately and repeatedly committed to creating? There is nothing that can change his choices and his deceit. Do not trust a word he says.

Quite. What an actual piece of shit he is.

Sorry to read this. It just makes it all worse. Take care.

How are you doing, @Recentclock ?

I would find it extraordinarily difficult not to be absolutely scathing about his lack of any sort of integrity to have coerced me into thinking I was being unreasonable.

To have made out that YOU were in the wrong for being suspicious and having so little decency or honour that he not only continued being deceitful but was also MALICIOUS in his treatment of you. Actually causing you to doubt yourself and criticising YOU to cover up his failings.

That’s worse in my mind. To have been caught and to continue to act so base and lacking any dignity that he tried to weasel his way by manipulating you